People Who Burn Bridges

[MrCastle]

Now I was going to title this "young women who burn bridges" since those are the only people I've experienced this with, but to prevent a flame war, I'll keep it pc.

 

I'm just curious as to the thought process behind this. I'm talking about people who flake, knowing they have to see you at work or school a few days after. People that ignore your messages knowing they have to see you later on that week, etc.

 

I'm genuinely curious as to the psychology behind it. Do they look that far into the future? Do they realize "oh s***, if I do this, it's gonna be awkward when I see him next week". Do they live in the moment and not think about the consequences? Do they burn their bridges knowing full well they burned them but just don't care about the aftermath? Do they even feel like they've done wrong? Is it an entitlement issue? Do they feel they can treat people however they want with no consequences?

 

Have you ever burned a bridge with someone you had to see on a regular basis and if so, what was going through your mind at the time?

 

Or, have you ever had someome you had to interact with on a daily basis burn a bridge and if so, how did you handle it?

[lolwutb]

I've done this before and I think it was truly just a period of self-centeredness for me. Or it was a mean way for me to send a guy a message that I didn't care for him like he cared for me. I didn't care that it would be potentially awkward when I saw him because I didn't care enough to allow myself to feel awkward about it, if that makes any sense.

 

FYI, I'm certainly not defending those actions of the past lol. It didn't win me many friends and certainly not one good romantic relationship.

[MrCastle]

I've done this before and I think it was truly just a period of self-centeredness for me. Or it was a mean way for me to send a guy a message that I didn't care for him like he cared for me. I didn't care that it would be potentially awkward when I saw him because I didn't care enough to allow myself to feel awkward about it, if that makes any sense.

 

FYI, I'm certainly not defending those actions of the past lol. It didn't win me many friends and certainly not one good romantic relationship.

 

Interesting. So you were aware of the consequences of your actions. See, I'm dealing with something similar and my initial thought was "Wow, how immature of her to not realize this is going to taint our relationship for good".

 

But now I'm thinking of it as "Hmm, maybe she knew and just didn't care".

 

So it's not a matter of immaturity but rather a matter of apathy. Interesting.

 

Either way, like you said--it's not gonna win anyone a popularity contest anytime soon.

 

I'm always too nervous to wrong somebody. I don't mind burning a bridge with someone who has wronged me, (technically they burned it, I'm just letting it stay burned) but to knowingly do something that will forever taint a relationship--I'm always scared 1.) it'll come back to me (karma) or 2.) i'll need them at some point down the road and they won't be there to help me.

[movingon12]

I would agree it's probably that they just don't care and they don't see a future where they would need you in their lives.

 

In the case of ignoring messages, it's also quite likely that they just aren't in an emotional state to give a sensible answer at the time. So they know it's better that they say nothing at all - if they started replying it would just escalate into expletive filled ranting/desperate pleading.

[Pasttense]

"knowing they have to see you at work"

 

This is one reason many strongly advise not to have relationships with people you work with.

[MrCastle]

I would agree it's probably that they just don't care and they don't see a future where they would need you in their lives.

 

In the case of ignoring messages, it's also quite likely that they just aren't in an emotional state to give a sensible answer at the time. So they know it's better that they say nothing at all - if they started replying it would just escalate into expletive filled ranting/desperate pleading.

 

I find the whole thing fascinating. I feel like Larry David from Curb Your Enthusiasm sometimes with the interest I take in the details of human behavior.

 

In my particular case, without giving too much away, I had planned something with this girl. We had been planning it for a week, and both of us seemed like we were into it. The night before we confirmed the plans and she seemed eager.

 

The next day, the day of our plans, nothing. No phone call, no text, no excuse or apology. I had to see her in class a few days later. I did not make eye contact with her or anything. What struck me as interesting is her lack of remorse. How you go from being interested to being totally shut off with no explanation or anything, when I have to see you for a few more weeks, is just wild.

 

At the very least, call and cancel, even though it's last minute, you save some face and lessen the blow in terms of awkwardness when we inevitably meet again in person. Not just totally torch a bridge with someone you see weekly.

 

The psychology behind the move is what fascinates me. Did the girl think that far ahead? Did she say, "man, if I do this, in this particular fashion, not respond to texts or calls or apologize or anything, I'm pretty much guaranteeing this guy will be pissed to the point that he won't want to talk to me anymore. I have to see him in a few days." Did she say "screw it I'm doing it, I don't care." Did she say "Why is he acting so weird? What did I do?"

 

The whole thing is interesting. The way some people act with no regards for the feelings of others.

 

If it's the last day of school, I can understand. When it's weeks before and I still have to see you next semester, it's a ballsy move.

 

Why burn a bridge that didn't have to be burned? Or did she think I would just take it lying down? Oh well. What's done is done.

[todreaminblue]

Now I was going to title this "young women who burn bridges" since those are the only people I've experienced this with, but to prevent a flame war, I'll keep it pc.

 

I'm just curious as to the thought process behind this. I'm talking about people who flake, knowing they have to see you at work or school a few days after. People that ignore your messages knowing they have to see you later on that week, etc.

 

I'm genuinely curious as to the psychology behind it. Do they look that far into the future? Do they realize "oh s***, if I do this, it's gonna be awkward when I see him next week". Do they live in the moment and not think about the consequences? Do they burn their bridges knowing full well they burned them but just don't care about the aftermath? Do they even feel like they've done wrong? Is it an entitlement issue? Do they feel they can treat people however they want with no consequences?

 

Have you ever burned a bridge with someone you had to see on a regular basis and if so, what was going through your mind at the time?

 

Or, have you ever had someome you had to interact with on a daily basis burn a bridge and if so, how did you handle it?

 

 

I am not one to burn bridges with people i care about...if i have to see someone every day or once a week........and i care about them apparently i am pretty easy to read......i think deceit burns bridges so that is why i have exes as friends and keep life long friendships i havent been deceitful i am straight up might hide and run on occasion but i specifically set out to not have guilt in my life had enough of it to last me into this life and the next...if a person has burned a bridge with me i am not vindictive....i fade away...distance myself.....if i annoy someone same deal......can you give a specific example of a the type of bridge burnt...its a bit vague on the question or i am vague and over tired..not wanting to burn a bridge or anything....smilin........deb

[movingon12]

But would it really be that much less awkward in class if she'd called you up and said 'hey I've changed my mind about you. I'm not interested. Bye!'

 

You guys would still feel weird around each other and you'd still probably avoid talking to each other.

 

Out of simple politeness I think she could have texted you with the old 'my granny's sick I can't come out' line. But then you would have tried to reschedule, and she would have had to say no...

 

So yes a bit weird, maybe she heard something about you that put her off, who knows, but I would say her cancelling and then feeling too embarrassed to be around you is about on a par with her not confirming and then feeling too embarrassed to be around you.

[todreaminblue]

I find the whole thing fascinating. I feel like Larry David from Curb Your Enthusiasm sometimes with the interest I take in the details of human behavior.

 

In my particular case, without giving too much away, I had planned something with this girl. We had been planning it for a week, and both of us seemed like we were into it. The night before we confirmed the plans and she seemed eager.

 

The next day, the day of our plans, nothing. No phone call, no text, no excuse or apology. I had to see her in class a few days later. I did not make eye contact with her or anything. What struck me as interesting is her lack of remorse. How you go from being interested to being totally shut off with no explanation or anything, when I have to see you for a few more weeks, is just wild.

 

At the very least, call and cancel, even though it's last minute, you save some face and lessen the blow in terms of awkwardness when we inevitably meet again in person. Not just totally torch a bridge with someone you see weekly.

 

The psychology behind the move is what fascinates me. Did the girl think that far ahead? Did she say, "man, if I do this, in this particular fashion, not respond to texts or calls or apologize or anything, I'm pretty much guaranteeing this guy will be pissed to the point that he won't want to talk to me anymore. I have to see him in a few days." Did she say "screw it I'm doing it, I don't care." Did she say "Why is he acting so weird? What did I do?"

 

The whole thing is interesting. The way some people act with no regards for the feelings of others.

 

If it's the last day of school, I can understand. When it's weeks before and I still have to see you next semester, it's a ballsy move.

 

Why burn a bridge that didn't have to be burned? Or did she think I would just take it lying down? Oh well. What's done is done.

 

 

oh that type of bridge.........no normally if i say i will do something i do it even if i am dog tired insane depressed i mainly do it i dotn let peopel down with out a reason...i do tell them and yes i am honest......i think it sucks....i have been let down ...i call it piking....even though a piek dive is very graceful piking on a person i snot graceful or dignified....i hav epiked on a few dates .....i have given the reason...and it has always been legitimate...i wouldnt be that way just ignore unless i was really really mentally ill...its mean..wasting tiem and effort of soemoen isnt on my agenda for life......deb

[gaius]

Why burn a bridge that didn't have to be burned? Or did she think I would just take it lying down? Oh well. What's done is done.

Most human behavior is modeled around the expected reaction to that behavior. So if they are behaving in a way that they know will burn bridges, then what they really want is to get rid of you. Calling you and rescheduling would only burden them with more of your attention.

[USMCHokie]

It's nothing more than a passive-aggressive response to avoid confrontation. I imagine that they are very conscious of what they are doing and would rather burn the bridge than create a situation where they might be judged in a negative light. Ironically, doing what they do creates that very judgment.

 

...or they are completely unaware of anything outside of themselves...

[todreaminblue]

But would it really be that much less awkward in class if she'd called you up and said 'hey I've changed my mind about you. I'm not interested. Bye!'

 

You guys would still feel weird around each other and you'd still probably avoid talking to each other.

 

Out of simple politeness I think she could have texted you with the old 'my granny's sick I can't come out' line. But then you would have tried to reschedule, and she would have had to say no...

 

So yes a bit weird, maybe she heard something about you that put her off, who knows, but I would say her cancelling and then feeling too embarrassed to be around you is about on a par with her not confirming and then feeling too embarrassed to be around you.

 

 

i think if a guy says hey not interested and gives you a reason its not awkward its respectful and honest

if a girl says the same thing......its nto awkward its gracious and truthful......you might not be able to be friends depends on the people i guess....but awkwardness exists when you have to remember what lie you told...otherwise if you are a mature person you can try to be friends...its freaking hard though..no contact is probably best unless you are kamikaze.and try to endure it.deb

[Emilia]

...or they are completely unaware of anything outside of themselves...

 

This. Expected at school I think, haven't seen it with older adults for quite some time.

[movingon12]

i think if a guy says hey not interested and gives you a reason its not awkward its respectful and honest

if a girl says the same thing......its nto awkward its gracious and truthful......you might not be able to be friends depends on the people i guess....but awkwardness exists when you have to remember what lie you told...otherwise if you are a mature person you can try to be friends...its freaking hard though..no contact is probably best unless you are kamikaze.and try to endure it.deb

 

 

I don't agree - that would be as awkward as hell for both parties.

 

And as you said, you'd still end up NC. So long term, what's the difference?

[gaius]

This. Expected at school I think, haven't seen it with older adults for quite some time.

She knows what she's doing. That's more because as you age you learn more efficient and less messy ways of getting rid of people. She's pretty new to this world.

[MrCastle]

Good answers so far. I get the not interested part, that's fine. There will always be others. My interest is in how she handled the situation, especially since the night before we were on good terms and plans were in place.

 

I understand trying to move on quickly like pulling off a band aid, but there is also something called consideration. Just basic human decency. Call and cancel, even if it's a very obvious phony excuse. Say something, anything. Don't torch everything and show up the next day like you didn't totally just torch our relationship. Or if you plan to torch it, do it when you know we won't be seeing each other any more. That's where the immaturity part comes into play I think.

[USMCHokie]

I understand trying to move on quickly like pulling off a band aid, but there is also something called consideration. Just basic human decency. Call and cancel, even if it's a very obvious phony excuse. Say something, anything. Don't torch everything and show up the next day like you didn't totally just torch our relationship. Or if you plan to torch it, do it when you know we won't be seeing each other any more. That's where the immaturity part comes into play I think.

 

For many, personal comfort often trumps others' perception of your maturity...

[MrCastle]

For many, personal comfort often trumps others' perception of your maturity...

 

So basically they don't care how they come across, as long as their needs are being taken care of.

[todreaminblue]

I don't agree - that would be as awkward as hell for both parties.

 

And as you said, you'd still end up NC. So long term, what's the difference?

 

 

I got rejected.....still in contact with the guy, still feel for him its not awkward(to me any more than me being involved with peopel in a social context is) i will be spending even more time with him in the next two weeks.......as i said i still have strong feelings for the guy he was however respectful when he rejected me makes it easier for me to kamikaze on.... maybe i am in denial.....if i were to pick up that he felt in anyway awkward or uncomfortable i would extract myself from the equation...i dont feel awkward a bit nervous and i am a natural goof, so awkward and me are friends i think...i think i smile enough and cover up i think that he is hot....lol....i try really hard..because i do like spending time with him...if i were to date someone else the no contact thing would come into play because the feelings i feel for him would need to be avoided......maybe you dotn class what i am doing as awkward...i dotn know th edifference between awkward and not awkward because i am naturally.......awkward around people i just do my best to be respectful and make them smile....then i relax...deb

[Toddbt12y1]

"I built a wooden-bridge, knowing that one day it would be destroyed, by the elements."

 

I actually have so much personal experience with burnt bridges, that I think I could build a home made of ash.........

 

 

In the end all bridges built by men are fragile, being made of wood, and they rot so effortlessly to the elements: Anger, fear, love, hopelessness, hatred. Nothing survives these without at least showing signs of their age.

 

Sorry, had to say a few quotes, without the quote marks, lol. People burn bridges for their own comfort. Well, actually, it can be for the comfort of the other person as well; maybe to stop hurt between two individuals. In a sense, burning a bridge is no different than N/C.

 

But think of it like this: In war we would burn bridges, in order to stop the enemy supply line from reaching the enemy. We did this, to slowly starve the enemy into defeat. When dealing with love, friendship, or anything else(it is all love in the end..), we burn bridge to slowly drain the emotions we have invested in someone, or even they in us.

 

(sorry am tired...so this is all jumbled up, I quit, lol.)

[phineas]

So basically they don't care how they come across, as long as their needs are being taken care of.

 

Yep.

If you got her panties wet it never would of happened.

 

I've got a few women who burned bridges on me when I was fatter.

 

Now that i'm skinny their either kicking themselves & passively trying to get me to mend it because most of these types of woman would never apologize for their poor behavior. LOL!

 

Or they just tell me i'm a totally different person these days which is probably the best in the way of an explanation your going to get from someone like that.

 

Looking back I see I wasn't very attractive, but they obviously liked my personality otherwise they wouldn't of talked to me in the first place.

Now I have looks & personality so I get it.

 

I'm able to forgive, but I won't forget & will burn my own bridge at the first sign of disrespect.

[zebracolors]

In my particular case, without giving too much away, I had planned something with this girl. We had been planning it for a week, and both of us seemed like we were into it. The night before we confirmed the plans and she seemed eager.

 

The next day, the day of our plans, nothing. No phone call, no text, no excuse or apology. ...

 

Mr Castle, I wish I could meet a guy in my life who is as interesting as you seem. So I can't imagine why this girl would flake on you like that.

 

My own case is a little different, we hadn't made any more future plans but on the last date I was acting distant and probably giving off signals that I wasn't interested, but it was because of something personal that was happening to my body (don't want to get into it on a public forum) But I realized later I should have been honest with him on that.

 

At any rate I do still see him at social meet ups regularly, and we are friendly, but I don't think he has any more interest in me other than that. I was disappointed in myself because I was really starting to like the guy, but realized what I had done. Its all good though, Im glad he and I are still friendly at least.

[MrCastle]

Mr Castle, I wish I could meet a guy in my life who is as interesting as you seem. So I can't imagine why this girl would flake on you like that.[/Quote]

 

Thanks so much for that, really. I do admit I make an effort to be different and I hope one day I can unleash all the romantic energy I've tucked away for that special someone, but until then, it is what it is. Guess this girl wasn't interested. Her loss.

 

My own case is a little different, we hadn't made any more future plans but on the last date I was acting distant and probably giving off signals that I wasn't interested, but it was because of something personal that was happening to my body (don't want to get into it on a public forum) But I realized later I should have been honest with him on that.

 

At any rate I do still see him at social meet ups regularly, and we are friendly, but I don't think he has any more interest in me other than that. I was disappointed in myself because I was really starting to like the guy, but realized what I had done. Its all good though, Im glad he and I are still friendly at least.

 

At least you are friendly though. I'm finding that hard to do with anybody who's ever burned me. I just can't muster up a smile or keep up with the pleasantries if I know you've wronged me. You're gonna know you wronged me. You're gonna be able to feel the tension. It's the scorpio in me I guess.

[Imajerk17]

Well you could always straight-up ask what happened. Is there a rule against that sort of thing?

 

Did she actually no-show for your date or did she just not return contact that day? Once the date is confirmed within 24 hours I don't initiate any more contact until the date itself. I'll see her in person soon enough and we will talk then.

 

Meanwhile a lot of people are good actors pretending to be into something when in reality they are not (not over someone else...)And a lot of people are like ostridges---stick your head in the sand, i.e., vanish, and whatever uncomfortable situation you had just goes away!

Edited December 11, 2012 by Imajerk17

[Mrlonelyone]

I see what you mean. It's not just the not being interested part that make is burning the bridge...it's the making plans then just not showing up that does it. I think it's a matter of age. Younger men and women just don't think that far ahead. They value time differently.

 

It could also be a consequence of our online dating, social networking, "plenty of fish" culture. If someone is used to handling interpersonal difficulty by simply fading out, blocking, ignoring they won't know how to work any other way.