"spilling the beans"...

[frozensprouts]

a poster in another thread asked me my opinion on telling your friends and family about the affair, so i thought i'd sat another thread that dealt with that topic...

 

To answer the question...

 

i told my mom and dad- my dad had been having some health issues around the time I found out my husband had been cheating, and i was writing for a phone call to find out how he was doing. as luck would have it, it came right around the time that I found out exactly what was going on, and i was really upset, answered the phone without thinking, and it was him...he wanted to know what was wrong, so i finally told him...they were really supportive of me and whatever decisions i made- mind you, my dad's first reaction was to throttle my husband, as he had hurt his little girl and grandchildren, but once he found out we were reconciling, he was very supportive of us and so was my mom

 

I told a few close friends who were really great to me and took me out a few times ( and I learned in the process that when you are upset, it is never a good idea to dye your hair red...mine ended up a color that would have made Ronald jealous:laugh:)

 

one of my good friends was also my neighbor and he husband was the WO on a course my husband was on at the time...let's just say he ended up having to do some extra drill...but he was also someone my husband looked up to, and they were able to have some good talks about it

 

unfortunately, their daughter was couldn't sleep one night and overheard them talking about my husband and what was going on...she was a good friend of our kids, and she, being six and not understanding keeping things quiet, told my kids what she'd overheard...that was really awful

 

I told my husband's sister trying to figure out what was going on with him ( she called him and they had a good talk)...

 

I also talked to a friend of mine who's a MWO and who knew what we were going through as he had been there himself when they were much younger. He and his wife were great and were really there for me...she was really bale to help me work through some things and knew how I was feeling

 

the other person I told was my husband's squadron's padre...at first, that felt kind of weird, as I am not religious, but he was fine with that. He was able to be supportive and answered all my questions about what my husband's affair could mean for him at work ( his other woman was a close co-worker, and that is against the regulations, and there could have been some pretty serious fallout from it). The padrekept everyting confidential, helped me through a lot of bad times, and I learned a lot of swear words I'd never heard before in both english and french

 

that's what worked for me...but everyone is different. What works for you may depend upon your family and how they would react and also what your plans for your future are...you have to do what is right for you

 

it turns out the people where he worked did find out what happened, as my husband told his warrant what had happened, as he wanted to take responsibility for his actions. They were good about it at work, and it showed up on his yearly evals and cost him a promotion, but it could have been much worse

[waterwoman]

I told almost no-one - my 2 closest friends who have been wonderful. I'd not have managed without them. They told their partners as they are also my friends.

 

I would have left it at that but I had reason to beleive that another couple friend of ours had heard the rumours (that were rife at the time) and that they had been avoiding us since so I rang the wife to speak to her about it - they hasn't heard but her H had noticed my H behaving oddly and texting all the time so he got fed up with it and stopped going out with to play snooker with H on a thursday night.

 

H told his youngest sister as they were very close. I ended up telling his other sis whe she came down to stay as we got a bit drunk together....

 

He told one other close friend.

 

Since D-day I have found out that many others knew (well they had heard the rumours) which is the most humilating thing I have ever experienced and made me lose it with H big-time.

 

Two of our friends (couples) have been avoiding us and when we finally went for a meal with them both last Friday I felt very uncomfortable.

 

Not told my parents, or H's mum

 

At the time I wanted to tell everyone so he and she could face the music. But in the end I am the one that feels hurt by other people knowing. I am the failure, the one to be pitied. I HATE it!!!

[underwater2010]

I told three of my girl friends from work. I could not keep it in as I had to work the next day, to top it off we had strippers that night. Which set me off because there were married men there. Just bad timing all around.

 

I told my best friend. She offered to take the kids so I could confront him.

 

He told his cousin and best friend who both slapped him upside his head and told what he stood to lose.

 

As for family. I did not tell my mom or sister because they would hold it against him forever. That is just how they are. I did not tell his parents because they went through it with their daughter already and accepted the OM with no questions. It would not do any good. Add to that the fact that his father has no respect for me, you could see how it would go.

 

Now if he does it a second time....THE WHOLE WORLD WILL KNOW!!!

[beenburned]

I only told my parents/grandparents in order to get their advise and support, since I was totally devastated.

 

Since my d-day happened many years ago, most couples who had children were told to try and reconcile for the children's sake. Which I did, but if I had not had children at that time, I would have definitely divorced him.

[Summer Breeze]

We lived near his family and when I started moving out there was no way to hide it. I didn't hide a thing. I'd told him to let them know something so they wouldn't ask me. He knew if they asked me I'd tell them the truth, and I did. My family lived a little ways away and I told them we were leaving but didn't give them any details. They respected that I would tell them when I was ready and I did. They were shocked and by the time I told them I was through the worst of it.

 

It is something that is very personal and sometimes I think people lash out with the information without thinking about it. If you tell someone you can't unring the bell. You're bringing them in and in such a painful event they will probably have opinions and thoughts, and as one poster said they may never forgive. It can be a tough decision but it's like most--you have to make the best one you can at the time.

[beenburned]

SB,

 

I agree totally with "you have to make the best decision you can at that time"!

This also pertains to everything about infidelity:divorce, reconciliation, kids, extended family, and your own future.

 

What we knew at that time is totally different now that we have knowledge, experience, and maturity.

[CantgetoveritNY]

I told almost no-one

 

At the time I wanted to tell everyone so he and she could face the music. But in the end I am the one that feels hurt by other people knowing. I am the failure, the one to be pitied. I HATE it!!!

 

WaterW, I hate to say it but I feel the same way. I know we both should not be feeling this way but I for one can't help it. One the one hand I know my family would be tremendously supportive of me and helpful. Her family too. But I really just can't stand the thought of them finding out. I thought we had a great marriage! Crap! This sucks.

[GLDheart]

I've told pretty much everyone (that is important to me) that I talk to. It wasn't about damaging her rep or hurting her in any way by spilling the beans...

 

I really just needed peoples help. I needed thier insight. I needed thier experience. I simply had no freakin clue what had just happened to my life.

 

This forum has been one of the best things for me to put this awful trauma into perspective.

[frozensprouts]

in this kind of situation, you have to do what's right for you, and what feels right at the time may, in retrospect, not have been the best way to handle things...

 

but you can only do what you think is best given the knowledge that you had at the time

[Spark1111]

well, as a blind-sided newbie to infidelity! I told a lot of people as I was spitting nails angry that he had lied to me and treated me really poorly as the affair escalated and she began to pressure him to leave me.

 

Which I found out later he never intended to do.

 

so, based on the romantic text I intercepted on his phone, I REALLY thought we should be heading towards divorce.

 

Even in all that anger and pain, I still hand-picked those I told, and in retrospect, it was not to protect him, it was to protect my children from the stares and judgements of others.

 

So for reasons of fairness, I only told those who loved us both because I reasoned he would always be the father of my children and I still wanted him treated kindly in that life long role.

 

One sister of his already knew, my brother, and two girlfriends who provided therapy on a weekly basis. My mom knew, his parents are gone, and generally the whole town figured it out as we separated for awhile.

 

it's interesting because the first text I received after I through him out was "PLease don't tell anyone"

[SidLyon]

I told my H's immediate family and most of mine as well as most friends. I also told the OW's immediate family including her parents-in-law, brother-in-law and adult son. I also told the other MM she was having an A with, and his BW too. Last of all I told her employer (a religious organization).

 

I've had no cause to regret it.

[skylarblue]

I told my H's immediate family and most of mine as well as most friends. I also told the OW's immediate family including her parents-in-law, brother-in-law and adult son. I also told the other MM she was having an A with, and his BW too. Last of all I told her employer (a religious organization).

 

I've had no cause to regret it.

I don't know why this made me laugh, but it did (I'm in no way trying to make light of the situation so forgive me if it comes off as so). I just thought "this girl is going straight commando", and it just kept getting better as I read along.

[Realist3]

I told my H's immediate family and most of mine as well as most friends. I also told the OW's immediate family including her parents-in-law, brother-in-law and adult son. I also told the other MM she was having an A with, and his BW too. Last of all I told her employer (a religious organization).

 

I've had no cause to regret it.

 

What was the outcome?

[SidLyon]

What was the outcome?

 

My fWH and I now have a good marriage.

[CantgetoveritNY]

I don't know why this made me laugh, but it did (I'm in no way trying to make light of the situation so forgive me if it comes off as so). I just thought "this girl is going straight commando", and it just kept getting better as I read along.

 

Maybe it is different for men? I'd like to hear from men about this. I feel totally humiliated that my WW did this. I don't even want the most loyal and supportive people around me to know what happened. Anyone have insight on this? It seems women want the opposite? Frozen, maybe a new thread on this?

[SidLyon]

Maybe it is different for men? I'd like to hear from men about this. I feel totally humiliated that my WW did this. I don't even want the most loyal and supportive people around me to know what happened. Anyone have insight on this? It seems women want the opposite? Frozen, maybe a new thread on this?

 

I doubt it's different for men. My H's affair was the most humiliating thing that ever happened to me. I was at rock bottom.

 

Although I didn't really want to be further humiliated, I did want the OW to be humiliated by having everyone know about her cruel and callous treatment of me, my kids, her own family and the family of the other MM.

 

Her own BH had just died and she was certainly trying to project the image of a faithful and grieving widow which was simply untrue. He died saving her life what's more! My H had "gone off the rails" as a result of her H's death, followed by the eerily similar death of my brother-in-law and everything was an utter mess.

[CantgetoveritNY]

I doubt it's different for men. My H's affair was the most humiliating thing that ever happened to me. I was at rock bottom.

 

Although I didn't really want to be further humiliated, I did want the OW to be humiliated by having everyone know about her cruel and callous treatment of me, my kids, her own family and the family of the other MM.

 

I had no problem telling the MM's wife. I had no problem informing his professional review board that may soon likely revoke his licence to practice and make him a pauper. But tell my mother? Tell my sisters? Tell her family? Tell our friends? Oh Ugh!!!

[SidLyon]

I had no problem telling the MM's wife. I had no problem informing his professional review board that may soon likely revoke his licence to practice and make him a pauper. But tell my mother? Tell my sisters? Tell her family? Tell our friends? Oh Ugh!!!

 

I wouldn't say I had "no problem" because I did. It wasn't easy. But I did it, and don't regret it. I think it's to do with personal attitude rather than a gender driven thing, but I might be wrong...

[MissBee]

Maybe it is different for men? I'd like to hear from men about this. I feel totally humiliated that my WW did this. I don't even want the most loyal and supportive people around me to know what happened. Anyone have insight on this? It seems women want the opposite? Frozen, maybe a new thread on this?

 

I have not been in the situation of having a cheating spouse, but this discussion has come up before and I felt I was one of the few who had a similar response to yours.

 

I had the experience of being blindsided by a break up and in the wake telling all and sundry what I thought of him, his behavior, etc. (as it wasn't just simply breaking up but he did some very outlandish things). It was cathartic at the time, but some of it came back to bite me. I was so distraught that I was a bit too open and let it all hang out because I didn't know how else to process it, so I told anyone who would listen, then I ended up wishing I had been a bit more discreet. I could have given a shiiiit about protecting him, I didn't care to do that, I felt justified in telling people what he did. I didn't think that although I was the "victim" it could still reflect negatively on me but some of it did, especially when I started moving on and wanting to separate myself from the situation.

 

Humiliation was the word.

 

So yea I completely understand that feeling of not really even wanting to put it out there. I pray not to experience a cheating spouse, but if I were to, I can only imagine how I'd feel. I already know I'd tell my two bestfriends and my sister, who is also my bestfriend. That's it. They're the people who I have no shame in front of and who can talk me off ledges and who happen to also be very discreet people. I always think that if I'm ever famous, I'd want them on my team, because they'd be good PR people, who won't have the tabloids in my business esp. before I'm ready . But my initial response would be to call them and let them know and then depending on what I decide after perhaps tell my mom or my aunt. But I'm of the mind (as I am with most things) that I'd rather start with a small number then gradually increase as I see how it goes versus ringing a bell I can't unring. With my ex, I experienced the feeling of just going mad with hurt and anger and ringing the bell far and wide to all my friends and family and acquaintances, and it was just not a prudent decision for me personally. So I'd not do that again....to protect myself.

[screwedovertwenty]

I made him tell his mother and his sister. I normally am very choosie about whom I tell anything personal to. Unfortunately, as I was having a breakdown at work, there were several onlookers who inadvertently found out. I felt completely humiliated and couldn't bring myself to go back to work for almost two weeks. Now, everyone I work with knows. People I don't even like want to kick his ass. Apparently now, I am welcome into the bitter bitches club.

 

I told my three of my closest friends, who all live out of state. I do not want to discuss any of this with my own family, as they all took his side when I wanted to kick him out after all of his dui's many years ago.

[Decorative]

On the second DDay- after the false recovery - I Facebooked some of his friends, and her friends.

 

I contacted his parents ( who i found out later had known. and lied to me) my parents ( who came to my house immediately to help me), and my closest friends.

 

I contacted her family to let them know it had gone underground.

 

I told the people in my life that I trust and love, and that I knew ( or thought I knew- I was wrong about his parents )- would be friends of the marriage. My friends were amazing. Amazing . They still are. I have amazing people in my life.

 

But that was the day that I asked him to leave. And go to her. And to make it work with her. I actually packed his stuff and left it at his parents house before I called him to tell him the gig was up . I was done.

 

He didn't want to.

[skylarblue]

Since I have not been in the situation, I can only speculate as to what I would do. I think I would only tell my closest gf and his mom if I was really close to her. I think I'd be too embarrassed or afraid how people would view him or me. In my heart, I would want to shame him. I think I would also inform AP's spouse if there was one.

 

I don't know all of who BW told. I know she told his xW, several friends, his oldest daughter, and her cousin (they're like sisters), so I imagine she told other people in his and her family. xMM was really pissed that she told anyone other than 1 or 2 of her closest gfs. We both thought it was completely wrong and unfair for her to tell certain people like the ex and his daughter and just to make him look bad at that. She's the one being unfair?! Go figure.

 

When I was the OW, I thought if BW every came after me I'd retaliate by exposing her H's A to everyone, feeling it would bring more embarrassment to her then him. Now I'm not so sure that would have even worked since it seems she had no problem telling people.

 

It kinda sucks for the WS to cheat yet the BS feels embarrassed over it. I hope that's not the case for most.

[frozensprouts]

Since I have not been in the situation, I can only speculate as to what I would do. I think I would only tell my closest gf and his mom if I was really close to her. I think I'd be too embarrassed or afraid how people would view him or me. In my heart, I would want to shame him. I think I would also inform AP's spouse if there was one.

 

I don't know all of who BW told. I know she told his xW, several friends, his oldest daughter, and her cousin (they're like sisters), so I imagine she told other people in his and her family. xMM was really pissed that she told anyone other than 1 or 2 of her closest gfs. We both thought it was completely wrong and unfair for her to tell certain people like the ex and his daughter and just to make him look bad at that. She's the one being unfair?! Go figure.

 

When I was the OW, I thought if BW every came after me I'd retaliate by exposing her H's A to everyone, feeling it would bring more embarrassment to her then him. Now I'm not so sure that would have even worked since it seems she had no problem telling people.

 

It kinda sucks for the WS to cheat yet the BS feels embarrassed over it. I hope that's not the case for most.

 

sometimes the affair can make a betrayed spouse feel like a total failure

[beenburned]

SOT brought up a good point!

 

I also made him tell his parents because he was the one doing wrong by cheating. I left him on d-day. His parents lived next door to us, so they would have immediately noticed our absense.(me and the kids)

 

I had to tell my parents, as that is where we went to stay. All of H's OW were single, so there were no spouses/boyfriends to tell.

 

I also felt humiliated by the fact he was cheating on me. No one had ever cheated on me in all the years of dating many different guys.

 

One reason I don't regret his parents knowing, is that they gave him a good talking to. They also pointed out just how different his life would be if I divorced him.

 

He was about to lose everything over some young girls that wanted to have sex with him.(no love or emotions, only lust)

[ComingInHot]

Even though I AM glad husband's exOW told me, I wish she'd done so w/having the resolution to let me be after that.

I felt humilation, embarrassment, failure, ugly, robbed, attacked, demeaned, insecure, heartbroken, rage, pity you name it.

In turn I immediately told my Mom & Dad, big brothers, best girlfriends then sent hours that she claimed she worked but didn't to her employers so I could get company monies back that were (I feel) stolen.

I told him to go be w/her and that I would NOT do the things in the divorce that he told her I would. He would Not go. He didn't want to.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, knowing (regardless of How I found out) allowed me to stop living in the lie my husband had created. My husband's says to this day, he is better having me know and all the people I told know. He says he was literally exhausted from the lies and deceit and the daily "game" he continued to play for everyone in order to cover is tracks. However, he still admits he wishes I'd Never found out. He says it's because of the hurt & pain he knows he caused by the A. I think this is only HALF true. I believe he is still thinking of how his A being "outed" , has embarrassed him, and he still thinks people feel and look differently about/at him and mostly the lack of respect & trust by me that ensued after I found out and then the exOW's continual harassment to finally he thought the A was over & he could remember fondly his time with her. Poor baby...