Divasu Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I’m not sure this is really appropriate for this section, since we weren’t in a relationship. I was dating a guy for two months who since confirmed he's not interested nor "available" for a relationship. Prior to his verbal declaration --- I had asked when we'd see each other again and his response was not to rush it...(we hadn't seen each other again after having sex for the first time; he still called all the time and 'suggested' a date way into the future). The Climax: We both had a night free, had not seen each other for a couple of weeks. No interest expressed on his part to see each other, he was staying in for the night. Earier that day, we spoke back and forth. He called as I was leaving work, spoke briefly, I said I'd call when I arrived home. I called, we had light banter and I ended the convo to run errands and said I'd call later. When I did, I got his answering machine (I didn't leave a message, I was a bit upset by this point). Early the next day, I went to see a movie. He sent a text saying hello, and casually asked why I hadn't called back the night before. I explained I did, but got his vm. I told him I was off to see a movie; he commented "a movie, hmmm..." Then said he was going to a work function in the evening and would call later (which he did). We spoke briefly later that evening. The following day, he contacted me (I did not reply at this point) and he text me the day after, at which point I said to him to check his email. To which I wrote that I do not think we're headed in the right direction based on: (1) His disinterest in seeing me; not seeing me (2) His comments in response to that: "neither of us know each other well enough yet for him to jump first into something he is unsure about". I ended it by saying "I am pulling back at this point". I figured the guy is not interested and I will give him space and give myself space. His response: He said "he isn't in the mindset of a 'relationship' right now and he hasn't given much thought to it" and "it takes him some time to know". "He's just getting back into dating after coming out of a failed relationship". "We never discussed boundaries". "I am a secretive person" (which is partly true, but not in a malicious way). "I'm a very bubbly person" and "he's not used to that type of personality". He then asked me to clarify what I meant by "pulling back". I said that he was giving me contradictive signals (and a few other things that I probably should not have said because I was pretty mad). After a couple days, he texted me as if that email exchange never occured. He then made reference to our mutual friend's party that we're both invited to and if I'm still going and that he's going to try to go if he can find someone to cover his work shift. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this. At this point, I'm merely looking for feedback and suggestions on how I can handle myself better in the future. I am not looking to get 'back together'. Moreso, items to pay better attention to, things of that nature...
CptSaveAho Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 ACTIONS... he lost interest after you slept with each other. He just got out of a failed relationship. He's basically looking to hookup on his own terms
Author Divasu Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 Thanks CptSaveAho, I've concluded that long ago. I'm glad that you posted in my thread, because I've read some of your advice in other threads and I think it's pretty spot on. In one thread in the Dating Section, you mentioned that "the ball should always be in his court... he asks, you accept or reject...". Why is that? As an aside, I get asked out a lot and it's pretty rare that I ask out men. I'm still not opposed to it, even after this incident. But, at what point should a woman initiate date-wise IF/WHEN she has been dating someone for a while? (This probably does belong in the dating section, so my apologies). Nice name btw.
CptSaveAho Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 If you like a guy, by all means ask him out but the problem is with that is initially early on he might get lazy and expect that from you all the time. You would end up "leading" the relationship and probably start to resent him after a while. There is nothing wrong with planning dates, asking a guy out on dates after youve been actually dating. You need to watch his actions. If you plan something and he doesnt go or doesnt give you a counter offer or doesnt respond in a timely manner, he needs to be let go. Don't read into words. Past behavior foreshadows future behavior. I used my own actions to write this on a girl that has been asking me out for a bit that I am not really "interested" in. 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 ... At this point, I'm merely looking for feedback and suggestions on how I can handle myself better in the future. I am not looking to get 'back together'. Moreso, items to pay better attention to, things of that nature... Do you know what you want out of dating? That wasn't clear from the timeline you provided of your interactions, and it wasn't clear from the OP. Whether you get what you want is dependent on first knowing where it is you want to go, then finding someone with the means and desire to get to the same goal. If I hitchhike and don't bother to ask the driver where he's headed and am not entirely clear in my own mind about my destination, then I shouldn't be surprised that I'm not in Boston for Christmas. Hope that analogy makes sense.
CptSaveAho Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Asking what someone is looking for in dating is irrelevant. There's a thing called "future" faking, both men and women do it, predominately by men though. If I am dating an older woman 27+ and I know shes wanting to settle down, I could hypothetically project wanting a long term relationship or even lie about it at the beginning of the relationship. Now that I'm older, I just say have a nice day and leave when that question is asked and leave. Reason being, older women tend to ask this question because they will "settle" with the image of being in a relationship and not actually get to know and date be in a relationship with the person itself aka security
Author Divasu Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 Do you know what you want out of dating? That wasn't clear from the timeline you provided of your interactions, and it wasn't clear from the OP. Whether you get what you want is dependent on first knowing where it is you want to go, then finding someone with the means and desire to get to the same goal. If I hitchhike and don't bother to ask the driver where he's headed and am not entirely clear in my own mind about my destination, then I shouldn't be surprised that I'm not in Boston for Christmas. Hope that analogy makes sense. Yes, you're analogy makes sense. I quite like it. I'm starting to get a better sense of it, what I want from dating. I'm a former relationship girl and I think with dating, I tried to apply the same mindset, and that doesn't quite work. Oh and please don't allow my failed experience deter you (from your other thread). Thanks, and thanks again CaptainSave.
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