screwedovertwenty Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I have not seen what the OW looks like. I did send her a text on Dday. Then there were texts from her. She claimed it was only sex but then seemed to be hurt when she was informed that he told me she wasn't worth it. I told her to leave me alone and he told her to leave me alone and there have been no further texts. I believe that there it was just sex for him but she had feelings. I need to see her though. She hangs out at the bar next to my husbands job. All he has told me is that she is about the same size as me with short hair. Will it be worse knowing or wondering???
mereyurk Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Funny you say this because my husband cheated on me about 2.5 months ago. Met her at a bar and I really want to see what she looks like. I have people telling me its not a good idea and others seeing why I would want to. Not sure it it would make it worse or not. She does go to this bar frequently and I'm hoping to go one day and she is there. Funny thing is he said she is my size as well. Just different hair. Very odd we seem to have a similar situation.
Ninja'sHusband Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 From what I understand this is a very personal thing and is something you have to decide for yourself. I already knew OM, so it was just a matter of getting my WW to spill "who". I think I would have wanted to have seen them as well. The mystery would have probably driven me crazy. 1
BetrayedH Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 When I met my W's OM, I was pleasantly surprised that he was balding with glasses. It's common that they "affair-down" meaning the AP is typically average at best because it is more about opportunity than looks. At the end of the day though, it's no better that the OM was homely. What does it say about me if she chose a low-life instead? It's a catch 22. The fact that our spouse had an affair is the problem, not who it was with (except perhaps in the event of a double-betrayal - with a close friend or family member). I think the point is to reach indifference. Your H's affair had little, if anything, to do with you and the OW could have been anyone. Seeing her may make you feel better or worse in the short term but I think the goal is for her to not impact you at all. 4
JamesM Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I think the point is to reach indifference. Your H's affair had little, if anything, to do with you and the OW could have been anyone. Seeing her may make you feel better or worse in the short term but I think the goal is for her to not impact you at all. While I think your H could have chosen anyone, it is possible that he chose someone similar to you as he likes your type. But as BH said, the OW could have been anyone that filled the void. Many BSs want to see the other person to take away the mystery and to understand the situation completely. I think this is good. But if you want to see her so that you can make a comparison to yourself, then ask why. Is it so that you can feel better about yourself and minimize her because you think you look better? Or would it make it better if SHE looked better? As BH said, it is a catch-22. Everyone is different. 1
beenburned Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I agree with BH! I have never seen who my H cheated with. All I know is that in our case, it was all about sex, opportunity, egos. However, it would be completely different if it was a long term love affair with the same OW. That would imply it was her specifically he was attracted to. In that case, I would want to know everything about her and their motives.
road Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Usually AP's are not as good looking as the BS. Reason is if have it going on you don't need to cheat. You will have no problem finding eligible people wanting to date you. Seeing how ugly your WS AP is not going to make you feel better. You will only be filled with disgust on how your WS could let that AP touch your them. Then seeing that the the AP is a 10 is not going to be a morale builder for the BS. It is a lose lose game. Better to quit when you are already behind.
Spark1111 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I agree with BH! I have never seen who my H cheated with. All I know is that in our case, it was all about sex, opportunity, egos. However, it would be completely different if it was a long term love affair with the same OW. That would imply it was her specifically he was attracted to. In that case, I would want to know everything about her and their motives. And that was me....and I have a hugely overactive imagination, and this woman intentionally on accident met us out with friends in the early days of the affair (checking out the competition, I guess), and then showed up at my FIL's wake and snubbed me. I thought she was hard of hearing! So in the shock of dday, I needed to know everything about her and did within 72 hours, but I left her alone and assumed she must have been something like me. Over two years later I finally talked to her and discovered she was NOTHING like me. Kinda crazy and dramatic. For me, it was a good thing to discover. Love, schmove. Lunacy attracts lunacy and my H was pretty crazy at that time. 1
Snowflower Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Many BSs want to see the other person to take away the mystery and to understand the situation completely. I think this is good. But if you want to see her so that you can make a comparison to yourself, then ask why. Is it so that you can feel better about yourself and minimize her because you think you look better? Or would it make it better if SHE looked better? James, I mean this very politely but since you've never been a BS yourself, how could you possible know? I wasn't going to comment on this thread because like BH said, it doesn't and really shouldn't matter what the AP looked like. But your comment got me thinking... I saw/met the OW at an event several months before she and my H started things. I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to her because at that time, I obviously had no idea the impact she was going to have on my marriage. I remember that she was rather rude and stand offish toward me for whatever reason while her friend (both women were work colleagues of H) was polite and friendly. I remember being vaguely puzzled as to "her" rather chilly response and then forgot all about her. Months later at d-day, I had to struggle to remember what she looked like/who she was. I never saw her again. If the A had never happened I'm pretty sure I would have never thought of her again. I saw a picture of her in a professional publication about 2 years later and of course I made the comparison. It's human nature after all. So, I was just minimizing? Remember, this was 2 years later. If I had been truly that wrapped up in comparisons and minimizing, I would have found out what she looked like a lot sooner than I did. If your wife had gotten involved with an OM, you wouldn't be slightly curious as to who he was? Okay.. 1
waterwoman Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I knew what OW looked like. I'd met her and spoken to her many times although I didn't know her well. In fact my interactions with her while the A was going on make me shudder, looking back. She came round to drop something off and I asked her in for coffee - she kept asking me questions about H and our children. However once dday happened I saw hide nor hair of her. Not a peep. And she began to moprh in my mixed-up head into this glorious irrestitble femme-fatale who was still working in the same place as my H. Didn't help the twice she attempted to initiate text contact with H - twice he said no and showed me the texts. Then she sent me a nasty bitter little text. I began to hate and fear her. That faded a lot as time went by. And then out of the blue she walked past H and I when we were dropping off eldest boy for a school trip. I thought my heart was going to leap out of my chest! She looked so damned ordinary and small - I ended up feeling guilty for my feelings towards her. Long term it didn't help much.She simply weasn't that important 2
JamesM Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 James, I mean this very politely but since you've never been a BS yourself, how could you possible know? Do BSs want to know to take away the mystery and to better understand what all happened, or is that wrong? Good point. Perhaps it was out of line for me to respond to this thread. I based that on some conversations I have had IRL and online. One girl, who was a big influence in keeping me from an affair and who I was able to help with a male POV regarding her husband's affair also wanted to know what the OW looked like. Since her H met the OW online, then she could only see the profile pic and the online info. To my knowledge, she never actually met her. But it helped her to move on because she could at least put a face to the person who almost broke up her marriage. She was able to demystify the OW when she could actually examine the face and figure. By seeing that her "competition was just another person who wasn't a supermodel made it easier for her to forgive (in a sense) the OW. Interestingly enough, her OW looked similar to her, but her profile interests were completely different. Apologies if I offended anyone with true experiences if I relayed those comments from personal conversations.
underwater2010 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I got to see her picture. She is pretty now, no so much in the "sexy" photo she sent. She has lost weight after three kids and as I said looks good now. I do have to say that her picture strikes me as the type of girl that would have stabbed you in the back in high school. She has a B**** look to her. But that could be me projecting my feelings do to the affair. I am glad I know what she looks like. It could be bad for her if she were to ever cross my path in public.
NotCamelot Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I had to know/see. I would have kept the wonder in mind everyday if I had not seen what the scum looked like. And, yes, he was no comparison to me.....in a lot of ways. And my W has told me that many times since. But, if I had not seen for myself, it would have been an obsession I couldn't have broken.
2sunny Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 From what I understand this is a very personal thing and is something you have to decide for yourself. I already knew OM, so it was just a matter of getting my WW to spill "who". I think I would have wanted to have seen them as well. The mystery would have probably driven me crazy. You THOUGHT you knew him... If you want to see the OW - then you should see her. Your H should be willing to do whatever it takes to ease your mind.
Snowflower Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 (edited) One girl, who was a big influence in keeping me from an affair and who I was able to help with a male POV regarding her husband's affair also wanted to know what the OW looked like. Since her H met the OW online, then she could only see the profile pic and the online info. To my knowledge, she never actually met her. But it helped her to move on because she could at least put a face to the person who almost broke up her marriage. She was able to demystify the OW when she could actually examine the face and figure. By seeing that her "competition was just another person who wasn't a supermodel made it easier for her to forgive (in a sense) the OW. Interestingly enough, her OW looked similar to her, but her profile interests were completely different. The BW you describe above sounds like a lot of BS who replied on this thread. If they are curious about who the AP was/is, it isn't because they are necessarily trying to feel superior to or minimize the AP. Sometimes it is helpful and healing to be able to "put a face with a name" so to speak. I knew who she was, just didn't have a clear memory of her. Apologies if I offended anyone with true experiences if I relayed those comments from personal conversations. You didn't offend me; there have just been a lot of assumptions here lately about how/why a BS is feeling the way they do or that somehow a BS is wrong for feeling anything about the affair or the AP. It gets old is all. Edited December 11, 2012 by Snowflower
Betrayed&Stayed Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 (edited) For me, I had to know. Initially on D-day and soon after the shock was so overwhelming that my focus was on my wife and the timeline of the A. I was trying to process the reality of the situation. Looking back I'm surprised that I didn't ask about the OM immediately or much sooner. Once I got past the reality that she had an A, then my questions turned towards the OM. I'm one that had to know. Otherwise it would torture me wondering who he was, what he looked like, what was it about him, etc. After all, my wife had sex with another man. I should know who this guy is. He entered my wife, my marriage, turned my life inside out. Also, I might want to have few words with this POS. BTW - He looks nothing like me. Edited December 11, 2012 by Betrayed&Stayed
scatterd Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I have been cheated on with two different husbands, I did see who the woman were.The first one was around our neighborhood she was not pretty at all and had a bad reputation. It disgusted me. The second man slept with a girl I hung around with she was very pretty. Not knowing who they were would have been worse for me. Betrayal is horrible but Emanations have away of making things look different then they really are.
worldgonewrong Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I have no interest in seeing what my STBXW's other man looks like. I'm in a happy, healthy relationship now, and her private life is her thing separate from me. If I fed any interest in seeking out what this guy looks like, it would just not be healthy/happy for me at all. I don't care if the guy is a circus midget or an Adonis; either way, seeing him would trigger something odd in me. Don't need that. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Usually AP's are not as good looking as the BS. Reason is if have it going on you don't need to cheat. You will have no problem finding eligible people wanting to date you. Seeing how ugly your WS AP is not going to make you feel better. You will only be filled with disgust on how your WS could let that AP touch your them. Then seeing that the the AP is a 10 is not going to be a morale builder for the BS. It is a lose lose game. Better to quit when you are already behind. This makes a lot of sense to me though, having peripherally known my exW's OM, I don't have the perspective of it being a mystery. At least appearance-wise, he was very different. I certainly had no desire to get to know him better ... Mr. Lucky
mereyurk Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 It seems to be a Bert personal decision. My husband told me she looks similar to way I'm built. But it really wasn't about looks. It was something else emotional that we have lost. It still drives me crazy that I don't know what she looks like. I feel not will make it worse since I have something to picture. I probably won't ever see her anyway. He met her at a TGI Fridays and maybe if I happened to go a night she is there I could pick her out. He said she goes there a lot. I just wish the hurt would go away. It's the worst feeling in the world.
Author screwedovertwenty Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 I may never see her. When she found out that I was trying to find out her last name, so that I could find out what she looked like, she freaked out. She said she is moving out of the area because her roommate has a child and can't have people coming to the house and looking for her. I doubt she really moved. I may go out to the bar one night and see if I can pick her out.
2sure Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 She was screwing your husband but feels violated that you want to know who she is?? I don't think so. Look, this is something that happened to you and it's a big deal and it is going to take some dealing with for a long time. Find out everything you need to know to make yourself an informed participant n what happened in your life. Your husband and you should go have a drink together in my opinion. But if he just can't muster that, go yourself. 5
Tainted love Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 I have seen her and met her. I didn't really notice her when I met her although I seem to remember her staring at me quite a lot, obviously weighing up the competition. When I first found out it was her, I was really shocked. She isn't what I would describe as attractive, I suppose some could describe her more as 'handsome' if they were wearing sunglasses in a darkened room. I'm glad that I know what she looked like, when she anonymously told me, she'd attached a picture of this beautiful woman, stunning in fact. Turns out she had attached a picture of a European catalogue model... I was relieved at first but now I just can't believe my SO didn't have much in the way of standards - I know it's not about looks but she didn't seem to have much personality to offer either. He must have found her compliance attractive... 1
Tainted love Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 I may never see her. When she found out that I was trying to find out her last name, so that I could find out what she looked like, she freaked out. She said she is moving out of the area because her roommate has a child and can't have people coming to the house and looking for her. I doubt she really moved. I may go out to the bar one night and see if I can pick her out. Go! She sounds like she's playing the victim as if you're going to drag her through the streets! Take the power back from her, she doesn't get to call the shots when she's in a situation she and he caused.
Recommended Posts