Weird guilt feelings

[Tainted love]

I am going through rainbow of emotions at the moment, but one surprising one is guilt.

 

I feel like i am potentially going to feel guilty about actions I am thinking of taking to stop the affair. My SO and his coworker had an 18 month affair. He claims it was sex only which I dispute because of clues from her, gifts exchanged, time spent together talking. He claims that because he has exposed the affair (which again I dispute as she sent me pictures of them together so he had no other way out) he is tring to work on us. I suggested that there should be consequences for them both - for him, most likely losing me and the life we have built together. For her, telling her husband and exposing the affair at their workplace.

 

My SO and his mother who seems to think it is her place to sort everything out, think that by even thinking of consequences I am crazy as well as potentially putting him in a situation where he also loses is job. I was even told that taking action would compromise my integrity?!? I feel the underlying message is 'just get on with it - he has seen the errors of his ways'.

 

The OW has also been contacting me, after contacting him. She has minimised their affair and I suspect they have cooked this up together. I replied, suggesting that these sorts of actions have complications. I was polite enough, not crazy.

 

I feel really broken and unable to cope at the moment and have some awful family problems that I'm also dealing with. I'd really appreciate any advice from those who have been through the pain and come out of the other side.

 

Am I still being gas lighted? I can't seem to see anything through the pain.

[Realist3]

Exacting consequences shows an immaturity, and yes it will hurt your integrity.

[Tainted love]

Can you be more specific on how it would hurt my integrity? At this moment I feel like I'm the only one in the whole sorry situation who is experiencing consequences, yet I had no part to play in the affair.

Edited December 11, 2012 by Tainted love
Spell

[Furious]

I am going through rainbow of emotions at the moment, but one surprising one is guilt.

 

I feel like i am potentially going to feel guilty about actions I am thinking of taking to stop the affair. My SO and his coworker had an 18 month affair. He claims it was sex only which I dispute because of clues from her, gifts exchanged, time spent together talking. He claims that because he has exposed the affair (which again I dispute as she sent me pictures of them together so he had no other way out) he is tring to work on us. I suggested that there should be consequences for them both - for him, most likely losing me and the life we have built together. For her, telling her husband and exposing the affair at their workplace.

 

My SO and his mother who seems to think it is her place to sort everything out, think that by even thinking of consequences I am crazy as well as

potentially putting him in a situation where he also loses is job. I was even told that taking action would compromise my integrity?!? I feel the underlying message is 'just get on with it - he has seen the errors of his ways'.

 

The OW has also been contacting me, after contacting him. She has minimised their affair and I suspect they have cooked this up together. I replied, suggesting that these sorts of actions have complications. I was polite enough, not crazy.

 

I feel really broken and unable to cope at the moment and have some awful family problems that I'm also dealing with. I'd really appreciate any advice from those who have been through the pain and come out of the other side.

 

Am I still being gas lighted? I can't seem to see anything through the pain.

 

 

 

Ask yourself if you would have wanted to know if the OW's husband knew of the affair but never told you.

[Decorative]

First- welcome, and I am sorry your find yourself in this position .

 

I am a betrayed spouse- years past the end of my spouse's affair.

 

I exposed far and wide- because the affair had gone into a false recovery after the initial DDay. At that point- I was gaslighted and made to feel insane for 9 months. Then I was able to get proof that the affair was continuing.

 

At that point- I kicked my spouse out, told him to go to her, and told lots of people on his side, and on the OW's side. The affair was over at that point- it did not survive the light of day.

 

I have never regretted it for a minute.

 

Only you can decide if exposure is the right step for you. I believe in it fiercely- especially if there is another spouse involved who does not know. Everyone deserves the truth of their own life.

Edited December 11, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Tainted love]

Thanks Bent. The action I was thinking of taking was to expose the affair to her husband. I would want to know if I were him. But I guess I'm not him and it feels bad being the bearer of such hurt. I'm also not too sure about who he is or where they live as I've found out they have moved recently.

 

I did toy with the action of telling her manager but I'm even more worried sort this. I know they would both probably lose their jobs. I doubt my SO could even do anything else for work as its specialised.

 

I guess I just want to come out of this feeling clean, remaining a good person and not letting their badness infect me. But these actions go against how I am as a person, I hate the thought of causing others pain. I'm not out to destroy anyone, it just feels unfair that her life goes on unmarked, especially as she contacted me to say 'I guess I should say sorry'.

 

Ya think?

[Decorative]

Thanks Bent. The action I was thinking of taking was to expose the affair to her husband. I would want to know if I were him. But I guess I'm not him and it feels bad being the bearer of such hurt. I'm also not too sure about who he is or where they live as I've found out they have moved recently.

 

I did toy with the action of telling her manager but I'm even more worried sort this. I know they would both probably lose their jobs. I doubt my SO could even do anything else for work as its specialised.

 

I guess I just want to come out of this feeling clean, remaining a good person and not letting their badness infect me. But these actions go against how I am as a person, I hate the thought of causing others pain. I'm not out to destroy anyone, it just feels unfair that her life goes on unmarked, especially as she contacted me to say 'I guess I should say sorry'.

 

Ya think?

 

You? Are not bringing pain.

 

His wife and your husband brought the pain. You are a reporter, not the creator of it.

[Tainted love]

Thanks Decorative. It's good to hear from someone who came through the other side. I have only had one D Day so far, two would send me crazy I think, although I have my suspicions that if they continue to work together, I'll see a second D Day before long.

 

When you exposed, did you worry about the consequences of your actions before you did it? Am I over thinking it? I can feel I'm being manipulated but I don't feel like I've got the strength to fight back - not yet anyway.

 

Realist, I've had a look at some previous posts. I can see why you would say looking for consequences shows immaturity. We differ, as I think living a life lies and not giving someone the chance to live happily without you is unfair to say the least.

[Nyla]

Looks like your SO and his mother are trying to get you to look the other way and keep quiet. There is no reason why you should listen to him; your SO only carea about how disclosure will effect him. Your SO's mother is protecting her son, morals be damned.

 

The lies and deception must end NOW.

[Tainted love]

I was in your position years ago. I didn't know the other BS either. I spoke with a mutual friend who gave him my number and asked if he would call me. We met, talked and then I told him what I knew. I offered him a portion of the emails that I had (hundreds of emails). Then he laughed...loudly. I thought he was laughing at me to call me crazy...he told me he had some suspicion and hired his own PI. We teamed up, developed a plan, executed the plan and both were exposed....using their own emails.

 

We both needed to know so that we could be tested. Both spouses had cheated before and we needed to be protected. I wasn't sorry, still not. But you must do what you feel but please consider telling her BS.

 

Protection is something that's playing on my mind. Both the financial protection her H should take and the fact they both had unprotected sex, risking us both to STDs. It sounds so good how you started to plan together. In my daydreams when I expose them, her partner is angry at me. I don't know why it plays out this way.

 

Maybe I need to get my strength up. I'm definitely not doing anything before Christmas, I'm struggling to function never mind open up the next horrible episode. Plus, a tiny part of me wants him to have a happy Christmas (the husband, I mean, I couldn't care less if my SO has one).

[Tainted love]

Looks like your SO and his mother are trying to get you to look the other way and keep quiet. There is no reason why you should listen to him; your SO only carea about how disclosure will effect him. Your SO's mother is protecting her son, morals be damned.

 

The lies and deception must end NOW.

 

I know now where he gets his manipulative ways...inherited. I understand she is trying to protect him and she's being so loving and caring with me but with the undercurrent that I'm just making a big ol' fuss and I wouldn't be silly enough to end our relationship when were so good together. I have asked her to let me be while I think.

[Decorative]

Thanks Decorative. It's good to hear from someone who came through the other side. I have only had one D Day so far, two would send me crazy I think, although I have my suspicions that if they continue to work together, I'll see a second D Day before long.

 

When you exposed, did you worry about the consequences of your actions before you did it? Am I over thinking it? I can feel I'm being manipulated but I don't feel like I've got the strength to fight back - not yet anyway.

 

Realist, I've had a look at some previous posts. I can see why you would say looking for consequences shows immaturity. We differ, as I think living a life lies and not giving someone the chance to live happily without you is unfair to say the least.

 

If they continue to work together- I would be very very concerned that the affair has gone underground. This is going to sound insane- but when the affair ended- was he sad and depressed at first- withdrawing? Even though he wanted you? Coming down from an emotional high, so to speak? That was the biggest difference between the original DDay and the final one. The final one- when it was truly over- was completely different.

 

I worried about exposing. But I refused to live that way any longer, and I refused to have my children dealing with the stress that was occurring. Something had to change. And it was not my secret to keep. I exposed and set him free- and let it go. I felt sick when I did it- we have four children and a long marriage. But it could not keep going that way.

 

And I knew- that with the truth of my life, and everything in the open- everyone could begin to make decisions that would help the mess start to clear, no matter the outcome.

 

We are happily reconciled now. I have watched him move heaven and earth to show me he was worthy. Exposure was hard. But I don't regret it a bit.

[Tainted love]

If they continue to work together- I would be very very concerned that the affair has gone underground. This is going to sound insane- but when the affair ended- was he sad and depressed at first- withdrawing? Even though he wanted you? Coming down from an emotional high, so to speak? That was the biggest difference between the original DDay and the final one. The final one- when it was truly over- was completely different.

 

I worried about exposing. But I refused to live that way any longer, and I refused to have my children dealing with the stress that was occurring. Something had to change. And it was not my secret to keep. I exposed and set him free- and let it go. I felt sick when I did it- we have four children and a long marriage. But it could not keep going that way.

 

And I knew- that with the truth of my life, and everything in the open- everyone could begin to make decisions that would help the mess start to clear, no matter the outcome.

 

We are happily reconciled now. I have watched him move heaven and earth to show me he was worthy. Exposure was hard. But I don't regret it a bit.

 

It's good to hear you are in a happier place now, Dec. I suppose you showed him real strength and courage by your actions. I'm glad that you felt worried -I'm glad I'm to crazy at least.

 

I am really concerned about them working together. I don't even think it would give us the chance to reconcile as I think i would have horrific visions if he was five minutes late home. I haven't really considered if I can even give him another chance, I'm sort of waiting to see how he reacts and whether it seems truthful - it doesn't feel this way at the moment. I told him to go to her, threw him out and I can't understand why he hasn't. He seems pretty bad but after the lies he has told I sometimes think its an act or that he is feeling sorry for himself.

 

I wasn't able to see his reaction when I confronted him and then immediately told him not to return to our home.

[Tainted love]

If they continue to work together- I would be very very concerned that the affair has gone underground. This is going to sound insane- but when the affair ended- was he sad and depressed at first- withdrawing? Even though he wanted you? Coming down from an emotional high, so to speak? That was the biggest difference between the original DDay and the final one. The final one- when it was truly over- was completely different.

 

I worried about exposing. But I refused to live that way any longer, and I refused to have my children dealing with the stress that was occurring. Something had to change. And it was not my secret to keep. I exposed and set him free- and let it go. I felt sick when I did it- we have four children and a long marriage. But it could not keep going that way.

 

And I knew- that with the truth of my life, and everything in the open- everyone could begin to make decisions that would help the mess start to clear, no matter the outcome.

 

We are happily reconciled now. I have watched him move heaven and earth to show me he was worthy. Exposure was hard. But I don't regret it a bit.

 

It's good to hear you are in a happier place now, Dec. I suppose you showed him real strength and courage by your actions. I'm glad that you felt worried -I'm glad I'm to crazy at least not that you worried!

 

I am really concerned about them working together. I don't even think it would give us the chance to reconcile as I think i would have horrific visions if he was five minutes late home. I haven't really considered if I can even give him another chance, I'm sort of waiting to see how he reacts and whether it seems truthful - it doesn't feel this way at the moment. I told him to go to her, threw him out and I can't understand why he hasn't. He seems pretty bad but after the lies he has told I sometimes think its an act or that he is feeling sorry for himself.

 

I wasn't able to see his reaction when I confronted him and then immediately told him not to return to our home.

[Tainted love]

Wow Bent, I can't imagine ever being able to hold a conversation with her never mind being her friend. Before, I always thought if he cheated (you know, when you don't think it would ever happen to you) I thought I would feel pain but find strength to deal with it.

 

Now that its happened, I feel ashamed at how weak I feel.

[Tainted love]

Oh hang on, Bent, apologies. I read that wrong, I thought you were talking about the OW!?!

[Tainted love]

I appreciate all of your replies. I was struggling today. Thanks for your wisdom - I'm glad I'm not out of the ballpark for thinking of consequences....apart from with the way wards, that is.

[Tainted love]

:lmao::lmao:..............

 

I know! I thought you were pretty open minded when I read that....

[Tainted love]

Everyone feels weak after they have been run over by a Sherman Tank. That is soooo normal. Don't beat yourself up about feeling anyway that you do. :love:

 

Thank you. This forum is such a good place filled with some great people full of wisdom after the knocks they have received from their relationships. I'm going to try to give myself a break and stop letting SO get in the way of what is right for me.

[CantgetoveritNY]

The cheaters husband will definitely want to know. He will be hurt of course but will be so glad you brought this to light. Each day he remains clueless to this adds more source for additional pain for him in the future. The sooner you tell him the better. For him and for you. The OW and your SO, they may not see it now but the only way they will learn the error of their ways is to suffer the rightful consequences of what they have done.

[Artie Lang]

your husband and your MIL are manipulating you into not exposing. as long as these two work together you will not be in reconciliation. they need to go strict NC for you to have a chance at salvaging your marriage.

 

they need to face consequences; this is not vengeful, nor is it vindictive.

 

have you even exposed this to her husband yet?

[whichwayisup]

Call her husband and tell him what you know. Forward the email she sent you with the photo attached.

 

Put the telling his place of employment on hold. Though, he needs to consider transferring or quitting his job because no way can the two of them work together anymore..That's just asking for trouble and won't help your marriage if you choose to give him a second chance.

 

Of course they are both going to minimize it, so they won't have to face consquences or the fallout of their selfish choices.

 

Tell your SO's mom to butt out of it, she gets no say in how you handle this or your marriage.

[whichwayisup]

Exacting consequences shows an immaturity, and yes it will hurt your integrity.

 

It won't your integrity at all. You need to do whatever you can to protect your marriage and keep MW away from your husband, stop the A completely. Her husband deserves to know the truth. MW emailed YOU and exposed the A so just forward what she sent to you, to her husband.

 

This isn't revenge, this is a process that does happen to prevent and stop the affair in it's tracks.

[Summer Breeze]

I agree with exposing to the other BS. The one thing I don't agree with is exposing in a way you wouldn't have exposed your WS in. My point is you maybe exposing her at work but not wanting him to be exposed. I don't see the logic in hurting the AP in a way you wouldn't hurt your WS. To me that shows you're throwing more blame on them than the one who cheated on you.

 

I also agree with WWIU on your MIL. No one should be that deeply into your M. The decisions to be made now are between you and your WS. She is there for support and that's it. That is another boundary your WS evidently has issues with.

 

I'm sorry you're here and I hope you do take the good advice you'll get from everyone.

[Tainted love]

your husband and your MIL are manipulating you into not exposing. as long as these two work together you will not be in reconciliation. they need to go strict NC for you to have a chance at salvaging your marriage.

 

they need to face consequences; this is not vengeful, nor is it vindictive.

 

have you even exposed this to her husband yet?

 

I agree, reconciling is pointless if they are still seeing each other every day.

 

I'm finding it hard tracking her H down. I don't kow where he works, he doesn't seem to have any emails I could contact him on (not for the want of searching) and my SO and his OW won't share details.

 

Anyone got any tips?