Mystery2Me Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 May I offer my gratitude to everyone who contributes to this site. Let's see if I can keep my story brief. -Married 15 yrs, 2 grown step-children, but no children with H -5 yrs ago reconciled after H had A -H dropped "We need to separate" bomb on 15th anniversary during dinner and moved out -2 weeks later he followed with "Divorce" bomb -H said he would file and pay for D. Also denied OW -Immediately secured myself with respect to finances and home. Started IC. -Hired private investigator and have proof of affair -After which NC, now at 4 months. Separated for 7 months -I have a lawyer and filing for D this week Needless to say I was blind sighted and devastated by all of this, and more importantly the cowardly and cruel way he went about it. After first A, we reconciled because he promised to recommit to our M. He admitted to planing his abandonment for over a year, but of course led me to believe all was well. We went on vacations, family events...blah, blah, blah. Also he purposefully dropped the bomb, at the time when my work demands were high and prevented me from dealing with this mess. So, I have not said ANYTHING but in hindsight the NC allowed get myself together. So, I've decided to D the bastard! He has gone too far and I am tired of it all. Of course, he's keeping all of hush-hush for fear of damaging his image and who knows why. Now that I'm READY he's going to be taught a lesson. That's right, I'm going tell it ALL to all parties He no longer deserves the privilege of being my H as he has not taken care of his responsibilities. During this time, with support from my family/friends I've focused on myself and am trying to build a life for myself. Life is not perfect, and am not happy about this, but I do feel a sense of closure. So here I go moving forward: 39 yrs old, PhD in hand, 5 ft 4 in, 120 lbs...choosing happiness. Blessing, comfort, and peace of mind to us all. 8
GLDheart Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 He sounds like an insecure person using these affairs for validation. I'll bet he's doing damage control now demonizing you and smack talking you to anyone that will listen. 1
Cedarman Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Sounds like you are in control of the situation. It's tough, but sounds like you are handling it well. And you nailed it with the "cowardly and cruel" comment. He told you on your Anniversary after planning it for a year? That's unbelievable. Good luck. 1
Author Mystery2Me Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 GLD thanks! He may very well be chatting up things. Odd thing is, his step-Mother passed away just a few weeks ago...and the obituary published in our home town (we both live about an 1-hr away) newspaper listed me as his wife. So looks like he keeping it under wraps, and away from his family. Btw, I did not attend the funeral....and my parents told me about the newspaper. Anything is possible at this point, I just thank God I got my ducks in a row instead of wasting time talking to him. Nothing tells the story like video surveillance.
Author Mystery2Me Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 Cedarman you said it unbelievable. Just very recently have I started to feel more in control. For several months I could barely hold it together, panic attacks, deep depression, overwhelmed, and just confused. I have pretty much lost faith in relationships, for I was a good and supportive wife and my life has been turned upside-down. Far from being out of the woods yet....praying it will get better.
MsOptimist Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 (edited) Sounds very similar to what my stbx did to me - the cowardly and cruel way, except I have no solid proof of an affair. I'm adopting the same attitude as you - choose happiness, wash your hands clean of his lies, hold your head up high, and karma will come back around. I'm almost 4 months into my separation (over 2 months moved out), and things are already so much better. I'm focusing on me, living my life how I choose, and seeing that there's life after all of this. And there are MUCH better people out there to spend time with! Now I just wish I had the funds to D my husband as you are doing! I'm still adjusting to a single income and putting money into savings every chance I get. Edited December 11, 2012 by MsOptimist
revitup Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Mystery,You are way ,way ahead of the game.You have a PhD and actually have the wisdom to use it. I think this man has actually done you a favor.Something tells me that you have a better life ahead of you. 5'4" 120 lbs,gainfully employed with a good work ethic and intelligent as well!What this joker has taken for granted will soon be the blessing which a deserving man has been praying to find. Sometimes God does for us,that which we didn't have the heart to do for ourselves.Don't feel sorry for this guy at all.Do not feel that you have done anything wrong.And by all means know that you have the right to be happy today. Video surveillance and private investigators!I love it. Why this dude walked out on you is....A Mystery2Me!! You rock! 4
worldgonewrong Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Mystery,You are way ,way ahead of the game.You have a PhD and actually have the wisdom to use it. I think this man has actually done you a favor.Something tells me that you have a better life ahead of you. 5'4" 120 lbs,gainfully employed with a good work ethic and intelligent as well!What this joker has taken for granted will soon be the blessing which a deserving man has been praying to find. Sometimes God does for us,that which we didn't have the heart to do for ourselves.Don't feel sorry for this guy at all.Do not feel that you have done anything wrong.And by all means know that you have the right to be happy today. Video surveillance and private investigators!I love it. Why this dude walked out on you is....A Mystery2Me!! You rock! I had to quote Revitup's fantastic post for truth. And I bolded/underlined the parts that I hope you, Mystery2Me, will truly take to heart during this time. Amen, Revitup!!!
Author Mystery2Me Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 Hello MsOptimist! I hope you have a great day, and thank you for the wise input and support. I am so very sorry for all that you are going thru. However you sound well on your way and I believe you will continue to make grand strides. Without my faith I would not have made it to even this point. As you know their web of lies is a nasty business. Like many before us we stood by our spouses thru everything, and they have the nerve to reciprocate with a gift of betrayal?!?!? Well one day, most times one second at a time....I am not going to accept it. Good for you enjoying yourself. You deserve to happy and free of drama. I pray that God blesses your finances and steps as you move forward. 1
Author Mystery2Me Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 (edited) Thank you so much, Revitup! I truly appreciate your insight and you can certainly tell it like it is. Yes, I am praying all these changes are just God's plans for happiness (and a finding a special man would be awesome). Gonna take your advice and claim my right to be happy today! It means a lot to know that done nothing wrong, this a big one for me...as of course he said it's all my fault. While I know it's a Jedi mind trick, it does tend to mess with me at times. About the surveillance/PI, I couldn't deal with his lies anymore....so I wanted stone cold evidence. So I relied on my 20 yrs of scientific training put bluntly: shut up, tone down emotions, design a plan, and collect the data. Cheers and treat yourself well. Edited December 12, 2012 by Mystery2Me Correction 2
Author Mystery2Me Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 Worldgonewrong, thank you! Support is everything, and will take your advice. Take care of you! 1
worldgonewrong Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Mystery2Me: you're welcome, and thank you for sharing. At the risk of inciting negative people, I will say flat-out: God and my faith in God got me through these tough times these past 2 years. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I have an abiding love & faith in God's mercy. The 'plan' or design might take longer than we sometimes expect, but I do believe God delivers in good time; it's worth the wait, I can tell you.
Cedarman Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Mystery2Me: you're welcome, and thank you for sharing. At the risk of inciting negative people, I will say flat-out: God and my faith in God got me through these tough times these past 2 years. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I have an abiding love & faith in God's mercy. The 'plan' or design might take longer than we sometimes expect, but I do believe God delivers in good time; it's worth the wait, I can tell you. I am not a religious person, but have to say that experiences like this make you more spiritual. I say this in the sense that I try to live my life by a certain code of conduct (simplified: treat others the way you would like to be treated) and truly believed that my wife shared the many of the same values - especially with regard to marriage. And she did, until she changed. Some people will say that she did NOT change, that she simply showed her true colours. But I do not believe this. I truly believe that one day, she will re-discover her "spiritual" side, not with me, but with somebody. In the meantime, I am moving on and I am trying to be less and less concerned with her life because whatever happens, I will be OK and I am trying to get to a stage where I wish the best for my STBXW too. Not there yet, but getting there.... SLOWLY. 1
MsOptimist Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Mystery - I am a scientist too, so I like your attitude of gathering the evidence needed to support the hypothesis My husband has blamed me for everything as well - and you're right that it does mess with your mind!! Like you, I supported him in everything and would have done anything for him. So the hurt that he caused was devastating. In hindsight I probably wore my heart too much on my sleeve while not getting the same reciprocated to me. So many people have told me that I will come out of this so much better - happier, and eventually with someone better who treats me how I deserve to be treated. I'm starting to see that that can happen. It's so murky in the beginning that it was hard for me to see any light at the end of this. I think you and I both will come out stronger and happier, and losing these men will not be our losses. 1
Author Mystery2Me Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 Too right, Cedarman these dreadful experiences requires one to recognize there must existed power beyond just mankind. I am sorry that are hurting, and know that you have every right to be safe and happy. I do wish you luck as you work to detach yourself from STBXW. Admittedly after 15 yrs married and being abandoned out of the blue, I too am struggling with trying to detach from STXH. But I've accepted this is normal, it's going to take time because it was not my wish to divorce and my STXH led me to believe all was well. For me this is where spirituality/faith is huge, as I have given my wively responsibility for husband's welfare/happiness/faith/success to God. In other words at his insistence this is NOT my job anymore. While I don't wish him ill will, I have no desire spend another ounce of energy to arrive at a place where I wish the best for him. You will be better than OK, humbly I suggest you take expert and kind care of yourself. It's your turn, and may in fact be over due to celebrate who you are. 2
Author Mystery2Me Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 MsO-a fellow scientist, YAY! Blame and devastation, my hope is we can leave those behind we move forward in 2013. I don't think your heart was on your sleeve, rather that you were a loving and supportive wife. His loss that he grew to not recognize the value of unconditional love you offered. I also think it's their well earned guilt that prompts these scoundrels lay blame to soothe a guilty conscience. What a great support team, cheering you to move forward. I too am hoping that happiness is out there waiting, and agree we both will shine! :-) 1
MsOptimist Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Well I got a wrench thrown into my "moving forward" phase. He's already begun trying to crawl back as of yesterday with several long emails on how he was wrong. Wow, pretty shocked. Not that it changes anything, but still gives me a lot to think about. I hope your moving on isn't set back by something like this in the near future. Thus far it still seems too little too late, but it surfaced more sadness about the entire situation.
Author Mystery2Me Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 Hello Ms.O, Hope it's Friday has been good to you. So sorry Dear, that you are receiving mixed messages as the tend to tug at the heart strings and create even more confusion. Likewise I have and do continue to receive mixed messages, but I've decided to put my efforts toward creating a chaos-free life for myself. In my situation my STBXH very clearly let me know he was DONE and put me on notice that I would be served with divorce papers in August 2012. His chief criticism was he never got to be in control.....OK, I gave him free reign to control. Well it is now December 2012 and he has NOT divorce papers and squandered his time with the OW, so now I am in charge. At no time did he show even a basic concern towards me, but he is still publicly portraying us as HAPPILY married. For 15 yrs, even now I have never wavered or sent a mixed message....even though it hard to do today, I AM A WIFE. Doesn't matter if I like you or am head over heels in love, that's how I roll. Ultimately I can not deal with a man who would have his wife do a job he would not do. Lady, in the end do what is best for YOU. I reconciled once already, so it's okay to give love another chance. 1
revitup Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Yup,looks like a lot of the runaways are now trying new tricks to get a little control back over many of us here.My STBXWW is trying little sneaky things to get a night with me or peek into my mindset as well.That's not happening. Maybe they are realizing what actually makes that "other grass" so green!!!! You folks help me to understand that what happens ,happens to us all.We are not alone. Thanks REVITUP 1
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