movingon12 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 No, detachment is not the road to take. Nor is putting up walls and expecting the other person to do all the work. They will misinterpret your detachment for disinterest and they'll leave. The road to take is balanced attachment. You both need to be on the same page. Whether that's page 1, or page 100, it doesn't matter - but you need to be in the same place, going in the same direction, at the same speed. My case is, I know, exceptional, but my husband moved in with me after we'd known each other for 2 weeks. But that's because it worked for us. There is no other man that I'd ever met that I felt that comfortable with, that quickly - and it was the same for him. Yes we zoomed through the relationship book very quickly, but we were going at the same speed. And that's what matters. If you're picking out engagement rings whilst she's still debating whether you're 3rd date material - it's not going to work. Don't shut yourself off from your feelings - but do be sensible, and - with a clear head - make a judgement about whether you've both invested the same amount of effort.
Author kaylacole Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 Not so sure, seems like distance is the only safe way to play the dating game. Not getting too far into the other person prematurely, logically weighing the benefits of being with them versus the things you are not attracted to and making a calculated decision. This to me does not mean that your heart is not involved, it means not the you are "Just not that into him" it means you are not going to fall for somebody who is quality. You hold them at arms length, you take a good clean look at them and let them wait on your doorstep, waiting, knocking, hoping to get in out of the cold. It is like those Buddhist monks who have to wait three days outside of the doors of the monastery without food water or sleep, only the really motivated, the really interested, are the ones who get inside. One there, you let them stay as long as they like because they have proven themselves. Distance and detachment are the only way to force the other party to play their real game and be authentic about their desire for you. 1
Redbirdinabrightsky Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 After being one of the guys who played the open deal, like Ninjainpajamas, I realized that every time I did I lost something that I really really wanted. Maybe I got taken over by wanting the other person too much. Now though, I play it cold out of not wanting to get hurt again, and what I have realized is this: when I treat them cold, and keep distant, they always want more, even after I break up with them. Ninjainpajamas' take on things makes the most sense to me, but I am not at all willing to put my heart out there like I have in the past. I am just done getting stomped on. I am not going to be the stompee any longer. What I am doing seems to be working, so whichever way you personally want to play it, then I hope it works, but keeping them cold on the doorstep is the only way to guarantee not getting hurt.
RachR Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Yes I hold back, because I, subconscious or not, fear they are going to cause me pain.
RachR Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Yes I hold back, because I, subconscious or not, fear they are going to cause me pain. But I don't really want it to be that way. 1
movingon12 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Distance and detachment are the only way to force the other party to play their real game and be authentic about their desire for you. No. Why should they have to play their real game and be authentic whilst you're putting up walls and making them wait out in the cold? What if they've been hurt before too? (Most people have to one degree or another). What if they need reassurance from you that you're serious? I know a lot of guys will put up a bravado of not caring - but 2 minutes on the 'breaking up' section of this site will show you how much some guys can hurt when a relationship goes wrong. If you want a relationship that is going to last, you have to be willing to be vulnerable and get hurt. Both partners do. If one person isn't going to take a risk, the relationship will never thrive. (And no, you can't wait until you're certain - that's not taking a risk). I was hurt and didn't think I'd ever be able to trust any guy again. But when you find the right guy, you'll be willing to take the risk. Which doesn't mean going too far too fast, but it also doesn't mean locking him out and waiting for him to prove himself. 3
DC4 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 (edited) You cant become too close to rapidly. As a man if you show that you are into her too quickly she will always lose interest and you will inevitably be dumped for being clingy or needy inside of the first year. You can show no vulnerability, none. All women no matter how sweet they think they are will stomp your heart out for showing too much interest, no matter who she is. A man cannot trust a woman until she is the one texting/calling/talking about feelings/writing notes/asking 'where is this relationship going'/saying sweet nothings. The man that does show emotion this will get stomped invariably, unless he looks like Brad Pitt. The only emotion tolerated by women today is that of humor, for everything else they will drop you. So you put up a giant wall and pretend everything is fine all of the time. This is the only way to avoid a heart stomping. YIKES! I read later in this thread that you just went through a break up so I get you're hurt and angry-but try to get go of this horrifyingly negative view of women. If you want to start dating again this will be a huge problem. Sometimes people who are very dependent on their partner for everything can be a bit much, I think it's necessary to have a healthy balance...too much of one thing isn't good, you'll burn it out. You need personal space, together time, and this needs to be figured out by you being yourselves and then working it out from there, you shouldn't be having to worry about scaring them off, if someone is really into you they'll stick around. People are just scared of knowing the truth and "ruining a good thing" but if you're that worried then you don't have much to your relationship because you can't be with someone where your needs aren't being met and you won't be happy...IMO when people scare others away it's because the other person wasn't that into them or they weren't looking for a relationship, you didn't lose anything, if anything you did yourself a favor by finding out. Wow-good stuff. I needed this tattooed on me in a place that I'll see 10x a day. Edited December 12, 2012 by DC4
Marie0708 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 'Play it cold, distant, aloof' and 'Don't jump into the boat too fast' and 'keep up a wall, and stay funny' There have to be more sayings, more tips on how to not get messed about for jumping in too fast, more 'rules of thumb' ya know????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????/ This all depends on the type of guy you're looking for. Some guys will not show ANY interest if you are aloof and distant. Sometimes they need encouragement that you are open and interested in a relationship with them. Maybe once you're in a relationship you can dial back the emotional intensity by limiting how often you talk to each other a day and for how long, keep focused on other activities and people in your life too
TheZebra Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 I think if both people are equally into each other then there isn't a problem. For example, with one of my first exes it was clear that he liked me more than I liked him and at the time he would do things like call me every day, email, etc, which I thought was too much and the relationship quickly died. With my most recent ex, though, it was the opposite. We had an immediate connection/attraction and we both dove in quickly and deeply. I mean, talking every day, surprising each other with random gifts all the time, you name it; def. more stuff than what my previous ex did but instead of being repelled, I loved it. We said 'i love you' within a month of dating and that relationship went for a long time. Neither of us were freaked out because we both felt the same way and showed it the same way. I think the moral of the story is, don't buy the guy/girl that buys their significant other a $10k watch for a 1-week anniversary (and maybe don't even mention said 1-week anniversary), but don't be completely aloof either. If you like them, do things you'd normally do for them. If they get freaked out because God-forbid you broke the 3 day rule and called them on day 2, then they may not be right for you.
edgygirl Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 (edited) I think what you are all missing is the biological side which although we and scientists don't understand that well, apparently plays a crucial role in mating. I am reading Venus and Mars on a Date and by what John Gray says When a woman is too eager to please, a man doesn’t experience the distance he needs to pursue her. He explains it in detail and although it sounds like bs in the first stages of the relationship it always works this way, even when the guy is into you, he needs to fight for you until you reach a further phase when we are all allowed to show our real feelings. Again, seems to be biology and science. Only because we can't explain it, doesn't mean it is not a possible fact of human nature. He also talks about how when a man is overly clingy it turns women off. Yes it does I am sorry to say. And I am one of those who is extremely passionate and intense and takes all in as well and hate it when people play games. But there seems to be something higher and uncontrollable that's biological and that turns (psychologically sound, not needy) people off when someone is too giving in the beginning of a relationship. Edited December 12, 2012 by edgygirl
Redbirdinabrightsky Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 YIKES! I read later in this thread that you just went through a break up so I get you're hurt and angry-but try to get go of this horrifyingly negative view of women. If you want to start dating again this will be a huge problem. Wow-good stuff. I needed this tattooed on me in a place that I'll see 10x a day. yeah you are right as I am recently dumped and way way effed in the head and heart, that doesn't make me wrong. Maybe what I need to learn, is that maintaining distance, or more aptly, not jumping in so effin quick is the way to be when I really dig a girl, nevertheless, I feel that being more icy in the future will protect me, and allow me to grow. So screw it, that is what I am going to do. Sometime ya just got to learn on your own. This last girl, I'd have done, and did do, anything for. Nex time round, that will be what I am gonna be after. Tired of giving to women that I adore and then getting myself thrown out like garbage.
smokey bear Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Why dont you set some boundaries or guides for example, in the first month we should date once a week, second month 2 dates a week, 3rd month up to 3-4 dates a week, forcing you to pace it until the normally 3 month mark where you can make a decent judgement, after that for showing emotion, just be confident, if you paced yourself at the start and they stuck it out you can confidently say, i have feelings for you, its been long enough to form genuine attachment and emotion. 1
Author kaylacole Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 Why dont you set some boundaries or guides for example, in the first month we should date once a week, second month 2 dates a week, 3rd month up to 3-4 dates a week, forcing you to pace it until the normally 3 month mark where you can make a decent judgement, after that for showing emotion, just be confident, if you paced yourself at the start and they stuck it out you can confidently say, i have feelings for you, its been long enough to form genuine attachment and emotion. I like this approach. It seems the most reasonable way of scheduling things. Make plans like this, yes, and if they are good, and no matter how much you like them, you hold back and see what they do without getting too attached. Action for action.
CptSaveAho Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Why dont you set some boundaries or guides for example, in the first month we should date once a week, second month 2 dates a week, 3rd month up to 3-4 dates a week, forcing you to pace it until the normally 3 month mark where you can make a decent judgement, after that for showing emotion, just be confident, if you paced yourself at the start and they stuck it out you can confidently say, i have feelings for you, its been long enough to form genuine attachment and emotion. Men should set this pace... sad part is you see people that do jump in face first (very intense), wow girl likes me, lets text and call her all the time and try to hang out every day and then wonder why it blows up in their face at 6 months. Too fast, too quick, and people tend to lose themselves in intense relationships that go faster then this early on. I thought this was pretty much the norm but in todays dating world, people want "instant gratification" 1
Redbirdinabrightsky Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Men should set this pace... sad part is you see people that do jump in face first (very intense), wow girl likes me, lets text and call her all the time and try to hang out every day and then wonder why it blows up in their face at 6 months. Too fast, too quick, and people tend to lose themselves in intense relationships that go faster then this early on. I thought this was pretty much the norm but in todays dating world, people want "instant gratification" Instant gratification is going to kill it fast, freeze it out, slow it down, make them wait for it, and yes, set the dating pace so that it is action for action, date for date. Men can only lose by moving in too fast, unless they are Brad Pitt. Otherwise kick back, date slow, and be sure that if you are doing it this way, do not be exclusive until they ask for it. Keep eggs in many baskets.
Quest4_TheLost Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I think all broken ppl play this game.. I myself have been doing it.. Some ppl also do this to push ppl away purposley for their own reasons. Its also why i have decided not to date cause if I wanted somthing serious I wouldn't want to deal with games. So as the person that now plays the "game" I think being detached in everyway is the best way to go until you know your ready to be in a real relationship. I'm sick of second guessing everything so I would rather be as unattached as possible. If this makes that person disapear then oh well. I don't care enough anymore.. If someone is meant to stay in my life they will. I was always the person that put in the most effort. I am always the doormat. This approach won't leave me in that position anymore and to a lot of ppl that is all that matters. 1
movingon12 Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Why dont you set some boundaries or guides for example, in the first month we should date once a week, second month 2 dates a week, 3rd month up to 3-4 dates a week, forcing you to pace it until the normally 3 month mark where you can make a decent judgement, after that for showing emotion, just be confident, if you paced yourself at the start and they stuck it out you can confidently say, i have feelings for you, its been long enough to form genuine attachment and emotion. The problem with this approach is it's fine if you're the kind of person who doesn't show emotion to someone for 3 months. You would be well suited to someone else who wanted to go slowly, pace it out and only have 4 dates in a month. BUT if you're a more open person, who expresses themselves more quickly, you're best suited to another open person, who also expresses themselves fast, and who would feel rejected by the idea of no more than 1 date a week. Everyone is different, and you need to find what's right for you. Personally, if the guy I was seeing only wanted to meet up once a week for the first month, and then only twice in the second month I would assume I was being strung along whilst he waited for someone better. But that's just me - I make decisions about people very fast. Others will feel comfortable going slowly. It's about what works for YOU, and the kind of relationship YOU want. Just look at how you get treated by the partner. If you're buying her gifts and she's giving you nothing - there's a problem. If you're always the first one to call/text/propose a date - there's a problem. If you're always the first to instigate physical contact - there's a problem. If she doesn't introduce you to her friends, even though you've introduced her to yours - there's a problem..... Forcing a timetable on your relationship that doesn't feel right or natural will not end well. (and does that mean no sex for 3 months? Or does the having sex come before the showing emotion??) 1
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