kaylacole Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I've been talking with a guy friend of mine about new relationship stuff, and I would like some outside perspective from you guys and gals=D Question: When dating within say the first year, do you find yourself avoiding the appearance of being needy, attached, clingy, etcetera when you are dating somebody new? What benefits do you find from this form of play, especially if you actually do feel these things, and are afraid to show it? Are you doing this from past experience, and isn't this just called "taking it slow"? I've been dumped for getting too close too fast, and so have a lot of people out there that I know, but, when you really like-love somebody, it is tough to fake the affection you want to show them. So what benefits do you get from holding back, and showing self-control? My buddy says he has learned through heartache that he has to maintain distance from the women he finds himself with. He used to jump all-in with the ladies, and now keeps himself un-attached until they first cross the line of being needy, clingy, attached emotionally. He says it is a game that everyone is playing, but I am not so sure it is the right game, even if his strategy makes a certain sort of un-elcucidated/un-spoken sense. 3
CptSaveAho Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Have you ever played with 2 magnets with opposite polar ends and when you push them together they repel themselves away from each other. That's what I look for in dating, that polarization. That amount of work from both sides to hold together each other I'm not a fan of people that jump all in too quick and too soon. It's like going fishing and a 15 pound flounder just jumps in the boat. At first you are excited about it and show it off to all your friends, after the excitement wears off, you realize you put no effort into catching that fish and it just jumped in the boat. Not really why I went fishing 3
Redbirdinabrightsky Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 You cant become too close to rapidly. As a man if you show that you are into her too quickly she will always lose interest and you will inevitably be dumped for being clingy or needy inside of the first year. You can show no vulnerability, none. All women no matter how sweet they think they are will stomp your heart out for showing too much interest, no matter who she is. A man cannot trust a woman until she is the one texting/calling/talking about feelings/writing notes/asking 'where is this relationship going'/saying sweet nothings. The man that does show emotion this will get stomped invariably, unless he looks like Brad Pitt. The only emotion tolerated by women today is that of humor, for everything else they will drop you. So you put up a giant wall and pretend everything is fine all of the time. This is the only way to avoid a heart stomping.
soccerrprp Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 SIGH...unfortunately putting up that wall is often the best approach. I'm doing it now with my current GF who, in turn, has been really hurt in the past and is also being careful. I understand her and give her the time and space she needs...but, I also make a quiet effort to not become too attached to her. Not the hones, right thing to do, perhaps, but i've found it's the safer thing to do. SIGH....to bad we can't just open ourselves up and be honest...it just seems that so many people today have issues that make establishing a healthy relationship straightforward. 2
Author kaylacole Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 How do you even learn to maintain distance, to maintain the opposing magnetism? What book can I buy. I have no idea how to control it an I think it would be nice to know if it is an art or science... meaning, do some people just have this like an art? Or is this science anyone can let themselves in on? Because it seems to me that a lot of us females and males alike NEED SOME SORT OF GUIDE ENTITLED: HOW TO NOT RUSH IN, a manual for fools...
CptSaveAho Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 (edited) emotional maturity... just years of experience of being an idiot and doing the things the wrong way... there's not really a guide... just be yourself and dont be a fish that jumps in the boat... let actions speak louder then words... aka if someone is trying to sell you a story and their actions dont back it up... just walk away Edited December 11, 2012 by CptSaveAho 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Yeah, that works the best for me. Showing any emotion to a guy always leads to heart break. The best bet is keeping the walls up and acting cold, distant, aloof - it gets them every time. The only thing I got for showing emotions in the past is "Aw you are so sweet" and we all know that sweet is a passion killer. 2
Author kaylacole Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 'Play it cold, distant, aloof' and 'Don't jump into the boat too fast' and 'keep up a wall, and stay funny' There have to be more sayings, more tips on how to not get messed about for jumping in too fast, more 'rules of thumb' ya know????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????/
CptSaveAho Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Just be yourself and learn from your own mistakes... you know sometimes you might not make mistakes... it just wasnt meant to be Everyone is different... hence why "dating" is a nightmare 2
tigressA Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I thought emotionally standoffish, aloof and cold was the way to go until I met my man, and all that went out the window. At first I was afraid because I had walls I'd been constructing for years and they were rather high. When you meet someone right for you, if you want to keep them, you will be honest and open with them about your feelings and they will not get scared. They will not run. They will stay, and more than that, they will reciprocate--maybe not immediately on your level, but they will give you all they have then and everything else when it comes. 7
Bito Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Showing emotion and being needy are two very different things. 2
NoMoreJerks Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 honestly, if you need to play such games with a guy because he can't maintain a normal relationship / healthy emotional attachment, is he really worth the effort? are you going to play this game for years, if not decades? my ex was like this, and believe me, it woud not have worked out between us.
todreaminblue Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I've been talking with a guy friend of mine about new relationship stuff, and I would like some outside perspective from you guys and gals=D Question: When dating within say the first year, do you find yourself avoiding the appearance of being needy, attached, clingy, etcetera when you are dating somebody new? What benefits do you find from this form of play, especially if you actually do feel these things, and are afraid to show it? Are you doing this from past experience, and isn't this just called "taking it slow"? I've been dumped for getting too close too fast, and so have a lot of people out there that I know, but, when you really like-love somebody, it is tough to fake the affection you want to show them. So what benefits do you get from holding back, and showing self-control? My buddy says he has learned through heartache that he has to maintain distance from the women he finds himself with. He used to jump all-in with the ladies, and now keeps himself un-attached until they first cross the line of being needy, clingy, attached emotionally. He says it is a game that everyone is playing, but I am not so sure it is the right game, even if his strategy makes a certain sort of un-elcucidated/un-spoken sense. I have never ever been dumped for being too needy........because i am pretty reserved when it comes to clinging to someone........i find it hard to ask for lifts from friends.....i am just coming round to it i still think ok how am i getting home and can i walk it......i dont like to appear needy and i dont have a clue why i am this way because i always have been the one who is needed...i am always there if people need me...if i can help i will.... as far as relationship goes i think it is sad people cant just show what they feel, there are red tape lines everywhere....dotn do this dont do that you are goign to get dumped.....i dont like to show affection unless i feel it will be reciprocated or wanted and i am keenly aware of personal space...i kissed my sister on the cheek again this afternoon because i am in a high mood...actually i think i am becoming outwardly affectionate....her face was worth it....people i know love it when i do show affection because they know i mean it.....i am genuinely happy....and i should be happy and affectionate more often if the smile on my sisters face was anything to go by.....i think all people should show how they feel...if you need someone to be close by you should move closer.....if you want some one to reach out i guess you need to reach out too....in saying all that its hard for people to know when is the right time......i am always trying to go by social cues....i am more careful in regards to others.......and their wishes...if i was hugged or clung too....i hold on....i would like to consider being needy is someone who needs me.if that person needs me that is a beautiful thing......i didnt think this way last year.i resented being needed a lot has changed...i was suicidal........i dont dump because someone wants a hug and luckily that hasnt happened to me..deb
todreaminblue Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Showing emotion and being needy are two very different things. showing you wish to be needed or you need someone are emotions..its also accepting sometimes you need people...or certain people not the whole world in there but some....i dont think its bad to say hey yeah, guess what i do need ya want ya.....love ya......all emotions.......clingy is another matter....deb
NoMoreJerks Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 There is nothing wrong with "needing" people in the sense that you greatly desire to find someone to be with (and would be less happy if you didn't find someone) -- needing someone doesn't mean needing him / her all the time, or being clingy. THis is a cliche that people use to justify dumping their gf/bf..... IMO, it is bull****. Showing that you like them and "need" them (without being "OMG I want to spend every minute of every day with you" type needy) is not a bad thing, nor is it necessarily a "red flag." IMO, people who run away when their gf/bf shows emotions and 'need' are people who are emotionally incapable of maintaining a long-ter relationship.
Woggle Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 If somebody has to act like this in a relationship then why be in one? It just sounds like emotional torture. I used to be scared to death to show any emotion to a woman because I heard all the time how it was an attraction killer but I said screw it and opened up and it actually made things better. If I have to be an emotionless robot to keep somebody then they are not worth keeping. 6
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 You shouldn't be attempting to maintain emotional detachment in a relationship, you should be trying to build a closer relationship with your partner. Being overly needy, clingy, attention whoring because you are extremely insecure and desperate for a partner is another thing...that should be worked on and kept in check for yourself, you need a balance. But you shouldn't be afraid to express how you feel and what you want, if there's an issue with it then you just talk about it with your partner. And I set the bar for communication in my relationships, I don't rely on the other person to because I want to find out and know, and have that kind of relationship so I make it happen. Sometimes people who are very dependent on their partner for everything can be a bit much, I think it's necessary to have a healthy balance...too much of one thing isn't good, you'll burn it out. You need personal space, together time, and this needs to be figured out by you being yourselves and then working it out from there, you shouldn't be having to worry about scaring them off, if someone is really into you they'll stick around. People are just scared of knowing the truth and "ruining a good thing" but if you're that worried then you don't have much to your relationship because you can't be with someone where your needs aren't being met and you won't be happy...IMO when people scare others away it's because the other person wasn't that into them or they weren't looking for a relationship, you didn't lose anything, if anything you did yourself a favor by finding out. I think you're making a big mistake in your relationship being something you are not, because at some point you're going to want things to change and he's going to feel ambushed and surprised because you were holding it in the whole time and now all of a sudden there is a problem...because to him things were fine, this is something women do a lot, they're too afraid to mess things up and trying to be the perfect partner...that's just not it's about though and you can't be happy like that and maintain it forever, you wouldn't be satisfied. Personally for myself though...I'm a pretty intense/passionate guy, I go in pretty hard with someone that I'm really into and I like the closeness, communication, emotions and all of that...things go fast and a lot of walls get broken down fast and I'm very close with my partner. So for myself I've never done slow in a relationship, I knew what I wanted and I threw myself into it...wasn't burned or rejected for it, didn't turn out badly...sometimes it didn't work out, but ultimately they turned into long term relationships. I think I'm very realistic and aware however, I try to maintain a sense of self-awareness and not get caught with my head in the clouds to the point where I make too crazy of a decision out of it (even though I've done crazy things, I draw a line somewhere). I owe it to myself to not make any rash decisions that are really going to bite me in the @ss, I'm not the type of person to lie myself, I try to be very honest and truthful for what is really there and going on, I don't want to live a lie or indulge in unrequited love or anything like that, and I believe that there is something greater and worth sacrificing and striving for in the world of love/romance which makes it easier for me to let the wrong thing go...I'm not going to just take the easy way out because I'm afraid of being alone or losing someone, sometimes those people were there for a reason and apart of your life, even very important as you were with them for a reason...but it doesn't mean they were meant to be forever, you're with the people you are many times to learn more about yourself, because ultimately that's what relationships teach you...and what you really need out of a partner. 9
Author kaylacole Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 It is a tough call... when do you go "all-in" and know that it will work out? How do you know, it is such a damn wilderness of mirrors... I'm scared. Whenever I do meet that special guy, I do want to be with him all the time. I guess it is okay for a female to want that and not a male. The men I have been with who did want to be around me constantly, I didn't reciprocate, something was off. The men who were aloof or more distant, I wanted more... and they wanted less. The only way I can see a path forward is to maintain control over who gets to hurt who... by keeping detached. My guy friend, had been seeing this cool chick for 9 months, he wanted to be with her all the time. He bought a house as a Christmas gift, a secret gift, and land, for the two of them. One for Xmas, the other for Valentine's Day. The 2 had been on trips to these places as a couple. I always liked her, but he was attracted to her even more because she was aloof. Anyway, after she broke up with him for being clingy, needy, whatever... she found out that he had bought this Christmas cabin in CA, and farmland on an island in WA. She still wouldn't take the guy back. A ****ing house and property on an island... and the opposite party still drops the other person? I wish a guy would do those sort of amazingly sweet things for me, would remember all the things about me that I do about him... but for remembering the little things, they'll say I am a "creeper" when in fact I am just soaking everything about them in and paying complete attention... Am I just messed up from the get-go, and what about my buddy? What about that special somebody who would do anything for you, and for whom you would not? 1
movingon12 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I thought emotionally standoffish, aloof and cold was the way to go until I met my man, and all that went out the window. At first I was afraid because I had walls I'd been constructing for years and they were rather high. When you meet someone right for you, if you want to keep them, you will be honest and open with them about your feelings and they will not get scared. They will not run. They will stay, and more than that, they will reciprocate--maybe not immediately on your level, but they will give you all they have then and everything else when it comes. This. Plus: Showing emotion and being needy are two very different things. This. When you meet the right person, you won't need to play games and put up walls, and you won't want to either.
todreaminblue Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 It is a tough call... when do you go "all-in" and know that it will work out? How do you know, it is such a damn wilderness of mirrors... I'm scared. Whenever I do meet that special guy, I do want to be with him all the time. I guess it is okay for a female to want that and not a male. The men I have been with who did want to be around me constantly, I didn't reciprocate, something was off. The men who were aloof or more distant, I wanted more... and they wanted less. The only way I can see a path forward is to maintain control over who gets to hurt who... by keeping detached. My guy friend, had been seeing this cool chick for 9 months, he wanted to be with her all the time. He bought a house as a Christmas gift, a secret gift, and land, for the two of them. One for Xmas, the other for Valentine's Day. The 2 had been on trips to these places as a couple. I always liked her, but he was attracted to her even more because she was aloof. Anyway, after she broke up with him for being clingy, needy, whatever... she found out that he had bought this Christmas cabin in CA, and farmland on an island in WA. She still wouldn't take the guy back. A ****ing house and property on an island... and the opposite party still drops the other person? I wish a guy would do those sort of amazingly sweet things for me, would remember all the things about me that I do about him... but for remembering the little things, they'll say I am a "creeper" when in fact I am just soaking everything about them in and paying complete attention... Am I just messed up from the get-go, and what about my buddy? What about that special somebody who would do anything for you, and for whom you would not? I dont want the type fo relationship where a guy puts aside what he wants for me thats what i class do anything fro me as being...i certainly dont want to be bought...that's whoring to me i want to contribute...feel part of a relationship have debates.....or should i say discussions where everything i say isnt right because i know its not...ill test guys that way....say something i knwo they should say are you tripping its a nah deb....i don't want a rude guy who disagrees with em because im a woman.....but a guy who knows who he is and what he wants from life i want a passionate guy who isn't afraid to shwo me his dreams and let me be a part of them.....passionate guys can be shy until you get to know them outwardly passionate pertaining to sexual isn't what i am after off the bat....honestly a guy like that ....i know ......and he is a bit out of my league.....
movingon12 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 It is a tough call... when do you go "all-in" and know that it will work out? How do you know, it is such a damn wilderness of mirrors... I'm scared. Whenever I do meet that special guy, I do want to be with him all the time. I guess it is okay for a female to want that and not a male. The men I have been with who did want to be around me constantly, I didn't reciprocate, something was off. The men who were aloof or more distant, I wanted more... and they wanted less. The only way I can see a path forward is to maintain control over who gets to hurt who... by keeping detached. My guy friend, had been seeing this cool chick for 9 months, he wanted to be with her all the time. He bought a house as a Christmas gift, a secret gift, and land, for the two of them. One for Xmas, the other for Valentine's Day. The 2 had been on trips to these places as a couple. I always liked her, but he was attracted to her even more because she was aloof. Anyway, after she broke up with him for being clingy, needy, whatever... she found out that he had bought this Christmas cabin in CA, and farmland on an island in WA. She still wouldn't take the guy back. A ****ing house and property on an island... and the opposite party still drops the other person? I wish a guy would do those sort of amazingly sweet things for me, would remember all the things about me that I do about him... but for remembering the little things, they'll say I am a "creeper" when in fact I am just soaking everything about them in and paying complete attention... Am I just messed up from the get-go, and what about my buddy? What about that special somebody who would do anything for you, and for whom you would not? He bought her a house??? After 9 months??? That is going way too far... The problem isn't showing emotion, the problem is when one partner is completely misreading the interest level of the other, and assuming that their partner is as in love, and as interested as they are - when in fact an impartial observer would probably spot a problem between them in 5 minutes. If you mirrored your partner's behaviour, if you called/texted/asked as many questions/initiated as many dates as they did - would you be happy with the relationship? If not, you're probably not a good match. 1
Author kaylacole Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 House, cabin on 4 acres. Plus 12 acres in another state. Each in her dream locations, each her sort of dream house. And he kept them as a secret. She didn't know until a month after her break up that her dreams were waiting for her but she dropped him before then, before their one year bit. And right right about gauging interest level. Mirroring, reciprocating each others moves to initiate contact, as a way to know if needs are being met for contact... but how do you get to the other side of all that, so that you don't have to worry. I'm glad she broke up with him, but he is feeling suicidal and I don't know how to wake the brother up, she was just a, well, a bitch... Nonetheless, gauging interest level, maintaining interest level, growing interest... these are perhaps the real questions no? As in detachment is perhaps not the issue, and interest level is? If my buddy knew that this girl wasn't interested in him, and was just using him for a 9 month fling... how could he have known earlier, how could anyone? By gauging interest level...
movingon12 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 And right right about gauging interest level. Mirroring, reciprocating each others moves to initiate contact, as a way to know if needs are being met for contact... but how do you get to the other side of all that, so that you don't have to worry. Do you mean at what point can you say to yourself 'yes, they are interested, I can relax now'? I think that depends on what you feel comfortable with - it could just be them asking/ageeing to be exclusive or it might not be until they ask/agree to move in together. I suppose it depends how confident you've been with what they've done so far. But bear in mind that sometimes they might initiate less because they don't need to - you are doing it all for them. In which case, lean back and see if they lean forward. 2
Redbirdinabrightsky Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Do you mean at what point can you say to yourself 'yes, they are interested, I can relax now'? I think that depends on what you feel comfortable with - it could just be them asking/ageeing to be exclusive or it might not be until they ask/agree to move in together. I suppose it depends how confident you've been with what they've done so far. But bear in mind that sometimes they might initiate less because they don't need to - you are doing it all for them. In which case, lean back and see if they lean forward. Speaking from a hurt position now, just broken up with and dumped as I am etc, I can say that I've been a fool so often, stupidly knowing I should have held back and taken things slow with the women the I truly wanted, and was ultimately devoted to... ... that detachment is the only road to take. It for me is like placing your hand on the stove, attachment is putting your hand on the stove... I can say that I wont ever again be the one to say "I Love you" first, I won't ever be the one to ask "Where is this going?" even online I feel stupid as all get out just for admitting that I have been that needy ****ing guy, and the only thing it ever brought me was pain. I'm depressed, drunk and rambling... >>>More to the point, I merely guess, it is a matter of a test of wills, you keep aloof, distant, throw up the walls of a cold hell, and if they really want in like none other, if they will rob banks and take hostages for you, and want nothing but the warmth of your presence, then they make those first moves because they are desperate to get in. Maybe then you know you have somebody who will be as devoted to you as you would be to them. 1
Author kaylacole Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 Speaking from a hurt position now, just broken up with and dumped as I am etc, I can say that I've been a fool so often, stupidly knowing I should have held back and taken things slow with the women the I truly wanted, and was ultimately devoted to... ... that detachment is the only road to take. It for me is like placing your hand on the stove, attachment is putting your hand on the stove... I can say that I wont ever again be the one to say "I Love you" first, I won't ever be the one to ask "Where is this going?" even online I feel stupid as all get out just for admitting that I have been that needy ****ing guy, and the only thing it ever brought me was pain. I'm depressed, drunk and rambling... >>>More to the point, I merely guess, it is a matter of a test of wills, you keep aloof, distant, throw up the walls of a cold hell, and if they really want in like none other, if they will rob banks and take hostages for you, and want nothing but the warmth of your presence, then they make those first moves because they are desperate to get in. Maybe then you know you have somebody who will be as devoted to you as you would be to them. "Throw up the walls of a cold hell" and then you let them in when they can't handle the chill and want to see if you are warm inside or not? I get it, but it seems like you are pushing away against somebody when you should be pulling them toward you? Why push them away unless you are after the opposing magnet effect of opposites attract? Wouldn't that be like sabotaging somebody who wanted in? What if they give up early, and you lose a good thing?
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