sadpanda87 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 help would be appreciated, thanks So its been maybe 5 months since the breakup. Have been in NC In an attempt to get over her ive started seeing other girls lately. The problem is id start off fine but as soon as something reminds me of my ex it'd go pear shaped. I start feeling uncomfortable and aggitated, even with sex. How should i deal with this? Im not unattractive and i have been frank withy dates. Ive heard 'ill wait for you' and 'let me help you get over it' but i have no confidence in when i'd start to feel better. I thought i was ready but looks like im not. Seems to be quite bad at sustaining platonic relationships but always end up in intimate situations somehow. please let me know if you've been / heard of similar problems. thanks
Axee Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Why are you dating when you arent yet gotten over your ex. Please get over her completely,start to try being alone, try not be be weak to get into intimate situations. You are in charge so keep it that way
BUBS Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I agree with Axee. I get where you are coming from, its hard to be alone in general, especially when you are heart broken and pining for anything remotely close to the fulfillment you had with your ex, but thats exactly why you need to be alone. 1, its not fair to the girls you are with, even if you are telling them you aren't over your ex, they are involved because they are hoping to be the person who "saves" that, and they will not... you have to do that for yourself and in the end all of you will get hurt. Secondly, you are going to put your ex up on a pedestal if you continue to date this soon when you obviously are not healed, no one will live up to her falsified memory, or attributes you loved, and the ones who do have qualities she possessed will only make you remember and miss her more as you already mentioned. My advice is focus on your friendships with people you are familiar and comfortable with instead. Create closer connections with them. A lot of the pain that comes from break ups has to do with the fact that you invest your life emotionally in the other person. They take on qualities of every person in your life all wrapped into one, the mother, the brother, the best friend, the lover. They become your confidant and you rely on them to guide you through your own life, contribute conversation and experiences. When they leave it gives a sense of abandonment, and we all try to fill that void by looking for one particular person in another relationship to take on that role, when in reality you need to look to many different people right now to fill the voids they can without any implications or emotions so that you do not suffer more, which is why you should focus on establishing closer bonds with friends and family to fill her void, not other women. You probably knew her for a long time, therefore that comfort, love, and so forth all occured gradually... you will not find the satisfaction you had with her because you will be incapable of investing that much time and energy willingly to getting to know someone on that level for that length of time until you are HEALED. Healed is when you imagine them with someone else it doesn't hurt. Healed is when you think of the break up and it doesn't cripple you. Healed is when you rarely think of that person, and when you do it doesn't cause grief or pain. You aren't there yet. Focus on yourself instead. 1
Author sadpanda87 Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 thanks bubs... that was quite helpful. i think it'll take a long long time before im truly healed then, when i imagine her with someone else it kills me. but i will take your advice with the friends and family. thanks.
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