Can I simply decide once and for all to forgive my wife?

[road]

Don't ask third time trying to post this.

 

Your WW is trickle truthing you. Doing damage control only admitting enough to get you to believe all has been revealed so you stop asking questions.

 

To get all the truth out you must schedule a polygraph test for WW. Tell her the date of the test. As the date gets close WW will trickle truth what she thinks will be just enough to get you to cancel the test. Don't cancel.

 

You must expose this affair to make sure it never restarts. Expose all at once on the same day. Do not warn anyone that you are going to expose because they will try to block it.

 

You must expose WW parents and her siblings, OMW, and the business where they work.

 

Expose at work by sending emails and follow up by sending registered letters to the business.

 

Expose the affair to CEO, Board of Directors, and Head of Human Resources. Make the letter brief and to the point. Just state in the letter that WW had an affair with her Supervisor on business property, on company time on salary. You want to know what the Business is going to do about WW supervisor preying on subordinates.

 

You tell your WW to bad she does not want to give up her job. That is the consequence of her affair.

 

You tell WW that she is not going to the party alone this year because she has shown that she can not be trusted.

 

You tell her that you can not go because you will not see people looking at you and saying to themselves and each other there is the BH whose WW that banged the OM.

 

From the way you described that WW pushed to work with the OM means that she pursued the OM. That the this affair happend before the party. So you have only been told 10% of the truth.

 

 

I am bumping up my own response to you. You have to stop wishing and start doing.

 

I have mapped out what you need to do. So man up and git'er done.

[Rob76]

When do you intend to stand up for YOURSELF

 

Your wife cheats, everyone at work calls her disgusting names, she has a disgusting reputation---that wasn't just dropped on her---SHE EARNED IT

 

She has her A, and basically you have done nothing----SHE STILL IS OUT WITH HER FRIENDS, AND SHE STILL SEEKS ATTENTION FROM OTHER MEN

 

What is it you want----if you wanna be miserable, then do nothing as you are doing now, listen to her moan and groan about how she is the victim---and continue to watch her seek out other men, until she cheats a 2nd time----

Your blowups and arguing are getting you nohwere she is just playing along with you---until you finally do slide this under the rug---basically she cheated, and she is controlling the R.

 

Or you can put your foot down tell her no more whining, no more complaining on her part---and now it is time for her to do all the heavy lifting, no more discussions about how to solve this problem---YOU TELL HER, WHAT WILL BE DONE---END OF DISCUSSION

 

If she doesn't like it---tell her fine, go get an atty to defend agst your petition for D---cuz at this point she ain't a wife, she is just your roommate who still considers herself single, as she looks for attention from other men.

 

I am not sure what you will do---but so far, all you have done is complain, and do nothing for a year---by the way many R's take 2 to 5 yrs, so you still got a long way to go---if R., is your choice.

 

You're right I suppose. I can't argue. I have mentioned divorce to her which really upset her, so it's not as if I hadn't considered it.

 

What is R? Reconcile? That's what I want if possible, but not if she doesn't care to try.

 

It really hasn't been a year yet, not for me. I guess the year ago was finding out what she said she'd done, which is bad I admit. But I got past it I think. It was finding out recently that she'd done much worse, that he pretty much got whatever he wanted from her that night, that she hadn't stopped it at any point like she'd said, but let him do everything.

 

Then he walked away from her, from the whole situation and is loving life in another place. I hate this part.

 

But finding out what really happened recently has started it all over for me. So really I'm going to take action and deal with this, it's really why I'm here. I don't intend to sweep it as some of you have called it. I will handle it because it feels like it just happened. With mind movies it feels like it keeps happening.

[road]

It was finding out recently that she'd done much worse, that he pretty much got whatever he wanted from her that night, that she hadn't stopped it at any point like she'd said, but let him do everything.

 

Then he walked away from her, from the whole situation and is loving life in another place. I hate this part.

 

But finding out what really happened recently has started it all over for me. So really I'm going to take action and deal with this, it's really why I'm here. I don't intend to sweep it as some of you have called it. I will handle it because it feels like it just happened. With mind movies it feels like it keeps happening.

 

 

Time to man up and expose this affair.

 

Then time to schedule a polygraph test.

 

Then time to paternity test the kids.

[Rob76]

Time to man up and expose this affair.

 

Then time to schedule a polygraph test.

 

Then time to paternity test the kids.

 

I hear you, but fortunately no kids yet. We've been trying since 2010 (I talked about it above) but it hasn't happened for us. I think maybe some of her behavior is tied to that. She talks children all the time. It complicates things because if I walk away she'd probably never have kids.

[Artie Lang]

dude, she cheats on you then rips you up about NOT being man enough for her- WOW!

 

take your balls out of her purse, man.

[Rob76]

dude, she cheats on you then rips you up about NOT being man enough for her- WOW!

 

take your balls out of her purse, man.

 

I know. She's apologized in the past, but i get the feeling she meant it anyway. One time I asked her, when we had a good moment, did you mean it about other men? She admitted yes, she likes other kinds of men. It makes it harder because I've been a solid husband, not great but solid, all this time, and she likes men like him or others who just treat her wrong.

[Holyoak]

I have mentioned divorce to her which really upset her, so it's not as if I hadn't considered it.

 

No more mentioning, DO IT!!!!

 

As it is now you have no wife, she is abusing you, and you are allowing it... I agree with the co-dependency comment above and it is very hard to break, along with the "nice guy" tendencies you seem to have. I wonder if she is upset for you, or is it still all about her and tears she sheds for her, not you?... IMO and experience, she is playing you, eating cake, blameshifting, rugsweeping.... The whole cheaters handbook is what you are getting, and it MUST stop some way before you can even consider reconciling with any hope that it will stick.

 

Maybe you are stuck because you figure you will never find another women as pretty, you will be alone, you NEED her to be normal... If so, drop that **** right now. What you are going through is much worse than any of those potential situations by far, and every day you sit in limbo kills a bit more of your soul, self respect, and dignity.

 

Then he walked away from her, from the whole situation and is loving life in another place. I hate this part.

 

Well, as others have said you must expose it on the other cheaters side. This hate will eat you alive until you do, WW may flip-out, and do not care one iota about the consequences. Unfortunately, your WW reminds me of my STBXWW a lot, and their lack of empathy, anger, and cruelty is unreal... Time to get PISSED OFF!!!, and get the ball rolling. You deserve much better than how it is now from a lying, cheating spouse who's main concern in life is her selfish self.

[stillafool]

I hadn't thought of this. Why would this happen? I can't understand why a woman would do this, let alone her.

 

She wants you to attend the party to 'save face', stroke her ego, and feed her narcissism. People at her job knows she's a slut and they (especially the women) are talking about her like a dog while the men are standing by waiting for their chance to jump her. She has alot of nerve to go out partying with her friends with all of this mess she's created going on in her home. You need to stand up to her and not fall for her crocodile tears. To be honest you should move out and let her know you DAMN WELL mean business.

[aed]

After reading the entire story and comments, I have only one thing to ad:

 

Get yourself together and kick your wife out of your house, call a laywer and go for divorce. IF you still hope that your Marriage wil workout:

Still KICK HER OUT of the house, call the laywer tell him you maybe want a divorce. Tell her she has 6 months to convince YOU that she is changing and has changed. And that she is showing that she is doing everything that is in her power to make things right. And take full responsability for her actions. If she is not doing this. Go for divorce!

 

But you need to get your self out of this manipulating ****hole, you call a marriage.

Edited December 12, 2012 by aed

[Darren Steez]

You're right I suppose. I can't argue. I have mentioned divorce to her which really upset her, so it's not as if I hadn't considered it.

 

What is R? Reconcile? That's what I want if possible, but not if she doesn't care to try.

 

It really hasn't been a year yet, not for me. I guess the year ago was finding out what she said she'd done, which is bad I admit. But I got past it I think. It was finding out recently that she'd done much worse, that he pretty much got whatever he wanted from her that night, that she hadn't stopped it at any point like she'd said, but let him do everything.

 

Then he walked away from her, from the whole situation and is loving life in another place. I hate this part.

 

But finding out what really happened recently has started it all over for me. So really I'm going to take action and deal with this, it's really why I'm here. I don't intend to sweep it as some of you have called it. I will handle it because it feels like it just happened. With mind movies it feels like it keeps happening.

 

err so you were not over it...

 

Dude you sound beta, no offence. This woman sticks the boot in and all you do is ask "Why did you say those things to me...I'm really hurt"

 

She knows you more than you know yourself and purposely says those tings to put you down and what does she get? More talking and you trying to understand her. Read the entire thread, no doubt you'll still be together one year from now, things still unresolved pretending to have "dealt" with it.

 

People don't just fly off with put downs without formulating it in their heads first and carefully choosing their words especially if their hurtful. The real rub is whether she gives a toss about you enough to stop those words coming out her mouth, even though they maybe thinking it. So to say I don't remember is a load of crock.

[CantgetoveritNY]

I know how the poster feels. I see a lot of comments here about how he should just get rid of the WW. I agree. It makes total sense. But can take that advice myself? I'm in a very similar situation just add kids. It took me months to figure out that the advice you all are giving him and me is the only way to go. So to the poster - I did file for divorce. She was served and is very frightened. Tables are turned. I still don't want a divorce. I hope she really gets help and decides to change. But you and I have to realize that it is a huge change that we need from these women. It may not be something they want to change. It may not be possible to change that much about yourself. We have to be willing to dump them or put up with being treated very badly by them. If your not really willing to dump her then you will be abused by her.

[Rob76]

I know how the poster feels. I see a lot of comments here about how he should just get rid of the WW. I agree. It makes total sense. But can take that advice myself? I'm in a very similar situation just add kids. It took me months to figure out that the advice you all are giving him and me is the only way to go. So to the poster - I did file for divorce. She was served and is very frightened. Tables are turned. I still don't want a divorce. I hope she really gets help and decides to change. But you and I have to realize that it is a huge change that we need from these women. It may not be something they want to change. It may not be possible to change that much about yourself. We have to be willing to dump them or put up with being treated very badly by them. If your not really willing to dump her then you will be abused by her.

 

Thank you so much. I'm sorry to hear you're in the same boat. I get that many people think I should just call it quits with her. Isn't there any other option? Maybe not.

 

I think my wife became very afraid as well when I started to talk about divorcing. She seems almost in anxiety these days. I think she was totally surprised that I thought that way. I'd always told her I'd never divorce her and now here we are.

 

I agree also with the idea that some people can't make the huge change necessary to be good spouses. What am I asking of her that is so horrible? Stop treating me as an enemy to be fooled and treat me as a husband? These are the questions I ask her, trying to understand her resistance to making the changes we need to stay together. You'd think I'd asked her to cut off her own hand or something. It's all very confusing.

[stillafool]

What's confusing is why you stay and put up with it. She doesn't RESPECT YOU! Women don't respect men they can run over. Forget it she will never act the way you want her to. Why haven't you left her already?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

What am I asking of her that is so horrible? Stop treating me as an enemy to be fooled and treat me as a husband? These are the questions I ask her, trying to understand her resistance to making the changes we need to stay together. You'd think I'd asked her to cut off her own hand or something. It's all very confusing.

 

You're asking her to treat you with the respect, but she doesn't respect you.

 

You're asking her to stop requiring external validation to affirm her self-worth, but that is how she feels good about herself. Being hit on by other men strokes her ego, and makes her feel valuable.

 

You're the enemy because that helps her to justify her bad behavior. It makes you the terrible person, not her.

[Rob76]

You're asking her to treat you with the respect, but she doesn't respect you.

 

You're asking her to stop requiring external validation to affirm her self-worth, but that is how she feels good about herself. Being hit on by other men strokes her ego, and makes her feel valuable.

 

You're the enemy because that helps her to justify her bad behavior. It makes you the terrible person, not her.

 

Why would a woman lose respect? Is that just too complicated to figure out, or not worth it? Should I bother trying?

 

I know she needs the external validation. She always has, and her mother and even grandmother were apparently the same way. She sees insulting behavior from other men as being affirmation for some reason.

 

I think that I'm the enemy as justification, that's true. But also she seems to see me almost like a parent in some ways rather than a husband. She acts like a teen daughter sneaking out rather than a wife who's cheating. I don't get it but even she has called herself the "baby" sometimes, to be taken care of rather than to be a partner in the marriage. It's bizarre to me but it's taken years to even notice it.

[Chi townD]

Look dude, you're going through what every betrayed person goes through.

 

First, you triggered. She suggested going to the Christmas party and THAT was your trigger. It brought everything flooding back to you. That's where your marriage fell apart. That's the location where she betrayed you and she suggests that you go to the place where it all happened? Betrayed folks trigger all the time and even for the smallest of things. You look at a doll and you could trigger. Because, you may think that you can buy that doll at the mall and the mall is where she met up with the OM.....(not your case, just an example of how easy it is to trigger)...I mean, it gets worse than that drinking game Six degree's of Kevin Bacon.

 

Second, you're probably having mind movies. Your wife won't tell you exactly what happened. Therefore, your mind plays tricks on you. You have incomplete data and you can't process what happen, so your mind fills in the gaps with "mind movies" to make it complete. But, the mind movies are still there and you don't know if what your thinking actually happened.

 

Then, you need to get to individual counceling as well as Marriage Counseling. Doing both is not unheard of at all. BUT!! You need to do your homework. You need to find a marriage counselor that specializes in infidelity. If you go to any run of the mill marriage couselor, they're gonna tell you that she cheated and it was all your fault because you didn't do this, that or the other. Bottomline is that she made a choice to cheat, and a Marriage Counselor that specializes is going to know this.

[stillafool]

Why would a woman lose respect? Is that just too complicated to figure out, or not worth it? Should I bother trying?

 

 

It's pretty easy to figure out why she has lost respect for you. The reason being you stay with her even though she cheats. I'm a woman and we do not respect men who we can run over or don't make us accountable for our actions. You seem desperate for her, will do and put up with anything to hold on to her and she knows this. It makes you weak in a woman's eyes. Women want and need a strong man.