Can I simply decide once and for all to forgive my wife?

[jnj express]

The other guy may not have just been promoted---to avoid possible sexual harrassment by you/your wife-----he may have been made to move, by the company bosses.

 

Why don't you make your wife take a polygraph---your local police dept. will tell you who the best operators are, and you can get to the bottom of this once and for all

 

There had to be something going on tween your wife, and this guy----a man just does not take a walk with a lady, and have sex, unless there was some type of flirtatious invite---or they were already in an A----Her ONS, is not an A, it is a one time destruction of you, and your mge, it is her spitting on her SACRED VOWS.

 

You have done nothing wrong, at any time----what you are going thru is normal, as I am sure your sub--conscious is pretty much giving you a lot of grief---and since you keep getting TT, it still hasn't filled in all the gaps, and your imagination is running wild

 

Why would your wife wanna go to this party this year---so she can get drunk again, and be a target for the lecherous men who want their shot at her---------why is she still working there, if she is in a situation where she is now thought of as the local whore---why would she go there day after day, and put herself thru that type of mental harrassment---It sure as He*l can't be very good for your mge

 

Have you set in any boundaries, with consequences for her---such as get off the sauce---stop flirting-----stop contact with men beyond strict work duties---or is she just back in her cushy lifestyle as it was prior to her spreading her legs, and then lying about it.

 

Bottom line what type of life, do you wanna live for the rest of your life---cuz from what I read here, you are pretty miserable, and your mge., does not seem to be getting any better

 

It won't be long before she is in a full A., and using her problems with you and the mge, as justification for her next A., which actually may have already happened with her ONS lover

 

Also did you tell the other wife-----does she know, and if not, why not, she has a right to know what kind of scum she is married to.

 

Bottom line POLYGRAPH your wife, and get this out in the open, once and for all---then decide your, and I mean YOUR future.

[road]

Don't ask third time trying to post this.

 

Your WW is trickle truthing you. Doing damage control only admitting enough to get you to believe all has been revealed so you stop asking questions.

 

To get all the truth out you must schedule a polygraph test for WW. Tell her the date of the test. As the date gets close WW will trickle truth what she thinks will be just enough to get you to cancel the test. Don't cancel.

 

You must expose this affair to make sure it never restarts. Expose all at once on the same day. Do not warn anyone that you are going to expose because they will try to block it.

 

You must expose WW parents and her siblings, OMW, and the business where they work.

 

Expose at work by sending emails and follow up by sending registered letters to the business.

 

Expose the affair to CEO, Board of Directors, and Head of Human Resources. Make the letter brief and to the point. Just state in the letter that WW had an affair with her Supervisor on business property, on company time on salary. You want to know what the Business is going to do about WW supervisor preying on subordinates.

 

You tell your WW to bad she does not want to give up her job. That is the consequence of her affair.

 

You tell WW that she is not going to the party alone this year because she has shown that she can not be trusted.

 

You tell her that you can not go because you will not see people looking at you and saying to themselves and each other there is the BH whose WW that banged the OM.

 

From the way you described that WW pushed to work with the OM means that she pursued the OM. That the this affair happend before the party. So you have only been told 10% of the truth.

[BetrayedH]

You're getting some sound advice here. Your current approach is considered, "rugsweeping." It's a normal reaction but as you can see, it doesn't work.

 

You need to go through this event, not around it. You need complete honesty from your wife. You need the full picture.

 

One of the biggest problems here is not even so much the affair itself but the fact that your wife has lied to you, appears to be continuing to lie to you, and you are accepting it. I could reconcile with a truly remorseful wayward spouse but not with one that is actively lying to you. She needs to redevelop trust with you and that begins with honesty.

[stillafool]

The fact that your WW doesn't want you to go to counseling with her is very telling. What spouse wouldn't want their BS to come to counseling as afterall isn't that the point of it to improve your marriage? She is hiding a lot from you and I wouldn't be surprised to find out that she was in a full blown affair. The fact that she has such a bad reputation is pretty much proof of that. Don't go to the party and I agree with others that she should not want to go either. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Just take care of yourself. You seem like a very trusting person and your wife is taking advantage of this.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry for you Rob.

I think it is obvious that you really still do not have the full story. The fact that she had no problem to trickle-truth to you is a problem. Your wife is apparently an excellent liar who only compelled to tell you she had sex with this guy because of the STD threat. The fact that you both have been trying to get pregnant is really disgusting.

 

Another problem I have with this story is that apparently this man had no problem going up to her and getting her to have intercourse with him and whatever more you clearly feel she is still withholding. Why would he have felt so confidant and comfortable to even attempt to do this unless there was on going previous romantic involvement. This story does not make sense.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Yes, she wants to go with me. But seeing how people talk there I think it would be awful.

 

I can not wrap my head around why she would want to go to this party. Even more difficult to grasp is her asking you to tag along to be further humiliated. This party is the worse trigger of them all. She's asking you to go back to where her co-worker banged her; with other co-workers present. How in the world is that going to be good time for either one of you???

 

She's already heard the "will there be a repeat performance" jokes from co-workers.

 

Any wayward wife with an ounce of compassion and decency would be RUNNING from this party.

 

This whole going to party decision is a big flaming red flag for some underlying issue or mental disorder. Is she that blind to the reality of the situation?

 

If you went to this party, it will be one of the worst experiences in your life. Again, I don't understand how your wife doesn't see this. Is she trying to be stoic and stubborn? Does she have the emotional maturity of a 13-yera old?

[Bryanp]

One last thing. The fact that she would ask you to attend with her the same XMAS party where she screwed this guy and many of the fellow colleagues knew about it is mind-boggling.

 

Ask your wife if the roles were reversed and you had sex with another woman at your XMAS party and many of you workers knew about it; if she would be willing to go the same party the following year to be paraded around looking like a pathetic fool? For your wife to even suggest not only going to the same party but also bringing you along to feel humiliated says a great deal about her lack of sensitivity to you and your pain. Do not have children with this woman. She may be beautiful on the outside but she is not in the inside. Your wife clearly has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? You need to contact an attorney to understand your options. Good luck.

[nofool4u]

She cried all night and I fumed in another room. I done this before and it seemed I just exploded every few months and it started all over again. But I just couldn't stand it and early this morning I basically came to the conclusion I just had to love her again. I had to stop letting all this ruin our marriage and stop being so proud.

 

I'm not saying that you need to continue to behave as you have been, but this isn't what will ruin your marriage. What will ruin it is the fact she cheated and can't be trusted.

 

 

I know she loves me and won't do it again.

 

No, you don't know that. There is only one way you will know and that is for you to be with her at EVERY social event. Thats the only way you will know.

 

 

I know also I didn't always give her what she needed. Can someone just decide to forgive? Is that how it works? Does it work to simply move on and stop fighting about the past or will I fail at this again?

 

No, thats not how it works, unless you are a complete pushover.

 

I'm not saying you can't or to not forgive. But if you are to do so, then a few things need to happen, but it is up to you. However anything less than the slightest effort in the following directions and forgiveness would be given blindly if you chose to do so.

 

Things that should happen before you decide to forgive her.

 

1) She needs to get another job. I know its not feasible in this day an age to just quit your job. But she needs to start looking for another job. I don't care if she loves where she works or not. She starts looking, keeps her current job until she finds something else, even if it pays less.

 

2) She no longer should be going to social events without you. She has proven that the one time you couldn't go, she was all over another guy. Just one time in your absence was all it took.

 

I don't think that is much to ask of any cheating spouse. If a cheating spouse doesn't want to respect the wishes of their BS after the initial disrespect, then why be married? Its not about control. Its about you trusted her to go to a party, and she took advantage of your trust and good nature. She screwed that up.

 

 

 

So question is, before forgiving her, what is it you are going to expect of her before that happens?

 

As far as you having triggers and getting angry once in a while, sorry, she will have to put up with it. She did this to you. The anger will probably subside after some time, and no, a year isn't nearly enough. But until she can prove to you she will treat you like a husband and honor your fidelity, then she has no right to complain about the pain she has caused you.

[nofool4u]

You need to let go.

 

I agree, but its not something he just needs to do as if he needs to just get over it.

 

Before letting it go, some time needs to pass and his "wife" needs to do what is necessary for him to let it go.

 

It has to start with her.

[TaraMaiden]

I agree, but its not something he just needs to do as if he needs to just get over it.

 

Before letting it go, some time needs to pass and his "wife" needs to do what is necessary for him to let it go.

 

It has to start with her.

 

Having seen the follow-up comments, I can only agree.

[Rob76]

I agree, but its not something he just needs to do as if he needs to just get over it.

 

Before letting it go, some time needs to pass and his "wife" needs to do what is necessary for him to let it go.

 

It has to start with her.

 

Thanks everyone for this help so far.

 

If she's going to change or whatever, what has to happen? What signs am I supposed to look for that this won't happen again? How can I trust again?

 

It seems almost impossible for things to change. I worry that we'll never get past this, especially after a year. that's why I just wanted to forgive. It seems like I've been angry or depressed forever.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

She cried all night and I fumed in another room. I done this before and it seemed I just exploded every few months and it started all over again. But I just couldn't stand it and early this morning I basically came to the conclusion I just had to love her again. I had to stop letting all this ruin our marriage and stop being so proud.

 

I know she loves me and won't do it again. I know also I didn't always give her what she needed. Can someone just decide to forgive? Is that how it works? Does it work to simply move on and stop fighting about the past or will I fail at this again?

 

Rob,

 

During my reconciliation with WW I had blow ups frequently. The first year they were ignited by triggers, mind movies, deep hurt, depression, etc. (I give my wife a lot credit for withstanding my blow ups.) As time went on and we maneuvered through counseling, the blow ups became less frequent. I'm 4 years past D-day and I've had two blow ups this year. I would think that what you are experiencing with the fighting is not uncommon. You're still hurting badly and still seeking answers.

 

Deciding to forgive? Yes, you can decide to forgive but I don't think it is that easy.

1 - For me forgiveness was not a one-time decision. For the first 2 years it was a daily decision. Some days were easier to forgive than others. Some days I didn't forgive her, but the next day I would.

 

2 - For me to be able to forgive her, we had to go through the discovery process first. I had to understand what happened (full confession), why it happened (self-esteem, family dynamics, communication issues), what do we do to move forward (boundaries, new ways to communicate, counseling). I see forgiveness without digging deep as Cheap Forgiveness. Others might call it rug sweeping.

 

Does it work to simply move on and stop fighting about the past or will I fail at this again?

You will fail again because this has not been resolved.

>You're not sure about full disclosure of the affair

>You two have not started MC together.

 

There is still a lot of work to be done. Do you REALLY know why she had an affair? Does your wife even know herself?

 

PS - In your posts you make comments that makes the OM out to be the bad guy and the aggressor. I wouldn't be so quick to jump to that conclusion. Your wife could easily have been the pursuer and the aggressor. What if the OM was seduced by your wife? Have you considered that to be a real possibility?

Edited December 11, 2012 by Betrayed&Stayed

[stillafool]

It seems like your wife just wants you to go to that party to prove to her (female) coworkers that she can cheat and still hold on to her husband.

[drifter777]

Thanks everyone for this help so far.

 

If she's going to change or whatever, what has to happen? What signs am I supposed to look for that this won't happen again? How can I trust again?

 

It seems almost impossible for things to change. I worry that we'll never get past this, especially after a year. that's why I just wanted to forgive. It seems like I've been angry or depressed forever.

 

Start marriage counseling. If your wife refuses to go then tell her to pack her sh*t and leave.

 

Nearly everyone has told you this but it's worth repeating until you accept it. Your wife is lying to you regarding the extent of her cheating. Period. The only way you can get to more of the truth is to threaten her with divorce. Tell her you KNOW she is lying - you don't have to tell her how - and you are giving her one chance to come clean about ALL of her cheating. If she truly wants to stay married to you then she will give you much of the truth about her sexual activities during your marriage. She will still be lying since she is confident you cannot know or prove many of the disgusting details, but it may be all the "truth" you will ever get.

 

Another thing many posters have commented on is the absolutely abhorrent behavior she is demonstrating by inviting you to her holiday party. Most of us who have been betrayed spouses are incredulous that any WS could be this callus, this uncaring about their BS's feelings. Wake up, man. This is a complete "in your face" by your wife. She is showing her collegues that her husband is a worm so they can stop wondering why she screwed another man (or men). It's despicable and disgusts me.

[Rob76]

Rob,

 

During my reconciliation with WW I had blow ups frequently. The first year they were ignited by triggers, mind movies, deep hurt, depression, etc. (I give my wife a lot credit for withstanding my blow ups.) As time went on and we maneuvered through counseling, the blow ups became less frequent. I'm 4 years past D-day and I've had two blow ups this year. I would think that what you are experiencing with the fighting is not uncommon. You're still hurting badly and still seeking answers.

 

Deciding to forgive? Yes, you can decide to forgive but I don't think it is that easy.

1 - For me forgiveness was not a one-time decision. For the first 2 years it was a daily decision. Some days were easier to forgive than others. Some days I didn't forgive her, but the next day I would.

 

2 - For me to be able to forgive her, we had to go through the discovery process first. I had to understand what happened (full confession), why it happened (self-esteem, family dynamics, communication issues), what do we do to move forward (boundaries, new ways to communicate, counseling). I see forgiveness without digging deep as Cheap Forgiveness. Others might call it rug sweeping.

 

You will fail again because this has not been resolved.

>You're not sure about full disclosure of the affair

>You two have not started MC together.

 

There is still a lot of work to be done. Do you REALLY know why she had an affair? Does your wife even know herself?

 

PS - In your posts you make comments that makes the OM out to be the bad guy and the aggressor. I wouldn't be so quick to jump to that conclusion. Your wife could easily have been the pursuer and the aggressor. What if the OM was seduced by your wife? Have you considered that to be a real possibility?

 

Thanks for all that you wrote. I think I've been depressed. I definitely have that or it feels like it. I can't even move some days. What are triggers and mind movies? They cause these blow ups?

 

My problem now is I think my wife is about done with my blow ups. She seems to be saying now I either forgive or I don't really love her or want to be with her. I don't know what to do, it's been a long time but she won't do counseling with both of us, she seems to have always said she did wrong, but the only solution is for me to forgive and forget.

 

Then she'll go out with friends and they flirt with some guy and it feels like it started all over again.

 

I don't know how to get her to see that she does this. She says I'm insecure and overreact, but I feel now like she's done this our whole marriage, other men coming around, and then this guy finally succeeded.

 

My wife doesn't do full disclosure. She is the rare woman who hates talking about feelings or emotions I guess. I beg her to talk, always have, she says talking about this stuff is embarrassing and would make her an idiot. then I feel like an idiot because I'm supposed to be the man and just suck it up, but she is more like that.

 

But I feel bad about the blow ups. the other night I said she ruined our marriage and she has to fix it, she just cried and cried. I tried to respond by saying I forgive her entirely, but then yesterday and this morning she just said I have to never think bad of her, not ask questions online (not this site but I'd started to read on another site from yahoo and she says stay off it gives bad ideas).

 

I know she could have wanted this. But she always has wanted male attention and the men who respond use to try and get sex, which is what I thought had happened again in this case, but this time I find no he succeeded, but I can't confront him because he is gone. He gets my wife naked at her office party and has her on the edge of a conference table and I hear of it months later when he's promoted out of city. Then I'm expected to forget it all and go to the next party and these guys are lining up to try again?

 

She has said she doesn't know why she does what she does, why she starts fights always with me or insults me, why she needs attention, but I have to just forget it she says. She says real men just earn their way in life and do what they have to and this is one of those things.

[nofool4u]

Thanks everyone for this help so far.

 

If she's going to change or whatever, what has to happen?

 

Thats really only something you can decide. I can tell you what I'd expect. And that would be:

 

-she looks for another job until she finds one.

-she doesn't go to social events without you(unless its like some girls fashion show, or something men typically don't go to to mingle)

-she refrains from doing any such behavior that can be seen as conducive to cheating WITHOUT protest.

 

These are just a few. Basically when work is over, her ass comes home. No drinks with coworkers, friends, etc. She f****d that up.

If she doesn't like coming home to prove she isn't up to no good, and doesn't like being expected to act like a wife, then there is your sign that she needs to be given the papers.

[Rob76]

It seems like your wife just wants you to go to that party to prove to her (female) coworkers that she can cheat and still hold on to her husband.

 

I hadn't thought of this. Why would this happen? I can't understand why a woman would do this, let alone her.

[nofool4u]

Yes, she wants to go with me. But seeing how people talk there I think it would be awful.

 

I think the Christmas parties at this company are over. I wouldn't even think she would want to show her face there anymore.

 

And I wouldn't want to go to the party if I were you either. You'd be talked about as the man of a cheating wife. And she'd have nerve to even want to go, with or without you.

 

I think you might want to tell her she screwed up ever going to the company Christmas party ever again. If she still wants to go, there is one of those signs you are looking for that shows she is NOT to be trusted.

[Furious]

Thanks everyone for this help so far.

 

If she's going to change or whatever, what has to happen? What signs am I supposed to look for that this won't happen again? How can I trust again?

 

It seems almost impossible for things to change. I worry that we'll never get past this, especially after a year. that's why I just wanted to forgive. It seems like I've been angry or depressed forever.

 

 

Every question you have is about HER, and the self imposed pressure you feel that you must forgive her.

 

You can't forgive what you don't know.

 

It seems she expects you to just get over it and take her to the company Christmas party. This is beyond cruel.

 

Why oh why, are you so insecure and afraid of losing her and not afraid of losing your own self respect.

 

She will not respect you if you don't respect yourself.

 

You don't have children yet, and can you imagine starting a family with all this dysfunction that is unresolved.

 

You must be willing to lose her if she cannot be truly remorseful, and to be truly remorseful she must give you the truth you deserve and she must seriously face her own issues.

[GorillaTheater]

She has said she doesn't know why she does what she does, why she starts fights always with me or insults me, why she needs attention, but I have to just forget it she says. She says real men just earn their way in life and do what they have to and this is one of those things.

 

"Honey, you're right. You do what you need to do and so will I. Let's try to make this divorce as amicable as possible."

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Thanks for all that you wrote. I think I've been depressed. I definitely have that or it feels like it. I can't even move some days. What are triggers and mind movies? They cause these blow ups?

 

Triggers are anything that reminds you of the affair. A movie or a song can be a trigger. Seeing your wife in a skirt might be a trigger for you. Going to a Xmas party could be a trigger. Even a phrase or a location can be triggers.

 

A Mind Movie is your imagination picturing your wife with another man. It's your imagination torturing you.

 

My problem now is I think my wife is about done with my blow ups. She seems to be saying now I either forgive or I don't really love her or want to be with her. I don't know what to do, it's been a long time but she won't do counseling with both of us, she seems to have always said she did wrong, but the only solution is for me to forgive and forget.

 

Then she'll go out with friends and they flirt with some guy and it feels like it started all over again.

 

I don't know how to get her to see that she does this. She says I'm insecure and overreact, but I feel now like she's done this our whole marriage, other men coming around, and then this guy finally succeeded.

 

My wife doesn't do full disclosure. She is the rare woman who hates talking about feelings or emotions I guess. I beg her to talk, always have, she says talking about this stuff is embarrassing and would make her an idiot. then I feel like an idiot because I'm supposed to be the man and just suck it up, but she is more like that.

 

But I feel bad about the blow ups. the other night I said she ruined our marriage and she has to fix it, she just cried and cried. I tried to respond by saying I forgive her entirely, but then yesterday and this morning she just said I have to never think bad of her, not ask questions online (not this site but I'd started to read on another site from yahoo and she says stay off it gives bad ideas).

 

I know she could have wanted this. But she always has wanted male attention and the men who respond use to try and get sex, which is what I thought had happened again in this case, but this time I find no he succeeded, but I can't confront him because he is gone. He gets my wife naked at her office party and has her on the edge of a conference table and I hear of it months later when he's promoted out of city. Then I'm expected to forget it all and go to the next party and these guys are lining up to try again?

 

She has said she doesn't know why she does what she does, why she starts fights always with me or insults me, why she needs attention, but I have to just forget it she says. She says real men just earn their way in life and do what they have to and this is one of those things.

You are NOT overreacting! Your wife screwed a guy on the conference table at a corporate party!

 

Sounds like your wife needs to do a lot of work on herself. Not in your favor, it sounds like she is unwilling to do the work. If she can not recognize the destruction that her behavior is causing in your marriage, then I have to say that you need to cut your loses. She doesn't "get it".

 

I can not emphasize this enough: reconciliation is VERY difficult with a remorseful spouse who is willing to make changes and sacrifices to help the healing process. If your wife is not 100% on board, then it is IMPOSSIBLE.

 

My wife did everything that I asked of her. Even with that, it still took us 3 years to get to a good place in our marriage. You're one year out and haven't made any headway. In fact, you're now the "bad guy" for being upset. Take control!

[drifter777]

My problem now is I think my wife is about done with my blow ups. She seems to be saying now I either forgive or I don't really love her or want to be with her. I don't know what to do, it's been a long time but she won't do counseling with both of us, she seems to have always said she did wrong, but the only solution is for me to forgive and forget.Then she'll go out with friends and they flirt with some guy and it feels like it started all over again.

 

I don't know how to get her to see that she does this. She says I'm insecure and overreact, but I feel now like she's done this our whole marriage, other men coming around, and then this guy finally succeeded.

 

My wife doesn't do full disclosure. She is the rare woman who hates talking about feelings or emotions I guess. I beg her to talk, always have, she says talking about this stuff is embarrassing and would make her an idiot. then I feel like an idiot because I'm supposed to be the man and just suck it up, but she is more like that.

 

But I feel bad about the blow ups. the other night I said she ruined our marriage and she has to fix it, she just cried and cried. I tried to respond by saying I forgive her entirely, but then yesterday and this morning she just said I have to never think bad of her, not ask questions online (not this site but I'd started to read on another site from yahoo and she says stay off it gives bad ideas).

 

I know she could have wanted this. But she always has wanted male attention and the men who respond use to try and get sex, which is what I thought had happened again in this case, but this time I find no he succeeded, but I can't confront him because he is gone. He gets my wife naked at her office party and has her on the edge of a conference table and I hear of it months later when he's promoted out of city. Then I'm expected to forget it all and go to the next party and these guys are lining up to try again?

 

She has said she doesn't know why she does what she does, why she starts fights always with me or insults me, why she needs attention, but I have to just forget it she says. She says real men just earn their way in life and do what they have to and this is one of those things.

 

The statements I bolded, above, are bright red flags that should warn you that your wife is a sick person.

 

You are acting like a fool and maybe it's time to get a little tough with you. You are exhibiting classic codependency - which is a sickness in and of itself. It means you are accepting "being controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition"; namely your wife's sick need for constant affirmation of her sexual attractiveness and willingness to actually screw men to make sure she gets it. You need to start taking care of your own needs. You need counseling. I would encourage you to move out and spend a few weeks on your own to get away from her constant manipulation and give yourself a chance to think.

 

With this last post of yours you are going to get a lot of feedback like what I'm giving you. The reason is that we've seen this story many times and we know how it ends. Your only chance to salvage your marriage is to get really tough with your wife and hope it shocks her back to reality. Tell her you want the whole truth or you are leaving. Tell her she will change her behavior and get serious about earning back your love and trust or you are leaving. Tell her it's marriage counseling or divorce. Really, this is your only chance.

[Madman81]

I think you need to lower the boom, verbally. She's refusing to give you the full story. So, you need to sit her down and give her an ultimatum. And it must be non-negotiable. Don't let her bargain out of any of the below requirements.

 

1. She must tell you everything, and answer every question you ask. Completely, leaving nothing out. No more trickle truth.

 

2. She must immediately give you unrestricted access to her email, cell phone, text messages, Facebook, internet search history. With passwords, so that you can check them any time you want to or need to. She does not permanently erase any emails, texts or Facebook messages without you getting to see them first. If the OM tries to contact her in any way, she must immediately disengage, and tell you about the attempted communication.

 

3. She must make herself accountable to you, 24/7. Where she is, what she's doing, who she's with, when she'll be home.

 

4. She must allow you to attend counseling with her.

 

And most importantly, she needs to do all of this without resistance.

 

Why, you ask? Because it's been a year, and you still don't know the whole truth. And until she becomes an open book, she's delaying the start of the healing of the marriage, and thereby ensuring that you'll stay angry at her even longer.

 

She'll probably complain that the above things are a breach of her privacy. "Privacy"? What's that? She no longer has any, except maybe in the bathroom.

 

Right now, both due to her betrayal and now due to her continued evasiveness, you don't trust her. And you have very good reasons. So if she wants to fix the marriage, she needs to bend over backwards to re-earn your trust. Trust is built by a consistent pattern of verifiable behaviour. Over time, as the things she tells you continue to check out and if there are no further surprises, your need to "check up on her" will diminish in frequency. You'll start to trust her again.

 

If she resists, it means she's not willing to do the very basic and reasonable work necessary to regain your trust. And if she won't, there's no reason to stay married to her anymore.

 

And, lastly... as others have mentioned, you should expose the OM to his wife. And do it without telling your wife that you're doing it, so she can't talk you out of it.

 

Good luck man....

[Rob76]

The statements I bolded, above, are bright red flags that should warn you that your wife is a sick person.

 

You are acting like a fool and maybe it's time to get a little tough with you. You are exhibiting classic codependency - which is a sickness in and of itself. It means you are accepting "being controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition"; namely your wife's sick need for constant affirmation of her sexual attractiveness and willingness to actually screw men to make sure she gets it. You need to start taking care of your own needs. You need counseling. I would encourage you to move out and spend a few weeks on your own to get away from her constant manipulation and give yourself a chance to think.

 

With this last post of yours you are going to get a lot of feedback like what I'm giving you. The reason is that we've seen this story many times and we know how it ends. Your only chance to salvage your marriage is to get really tough with your wife and hope it shocks her back to reality. Tell her you want the whole truth or you are leaving. Tell her she will change her behavior and get serious about earning back your love and trust or you are leaving. Tell her it's marriage counseling or divorce. Really, this is your only chance.

 

Thanks again everyone. Some of these responses are real eye openers even if a bit surprising. I guess that's what I came here for though.

 

The weird thing from my perspective is why my wife does things like you bolded above, drifter. I don't understand all the insults and anger directed at me. I don't know why she blames me. Then later when I ask her why she said these awful things to me, about how he's a real man (not those words but what she meant), how he's physically better than me, how no woman will ever want me, she tells me she doesn't even remember saying that. I don't get it. She rips my guts out with some of this crud, then she doesn't remember saying it? Is she lying to me still?

[jnj express]

When do you intend to stand up for YOURSELF

 

Your wife cheats, everyone at work calls her disgusting names, she has a disgusting reputation---that wasn't just dropped on her---SHE EARNED IT

 

She has her A, and basically you have done nothing----SHE STILL IS OUT WITH HER FRIENDS, AND SHE STILL SEEKS ATTENTION FROM OTHER MEN

 

What is it you want----if you wanna be miserable, then do nothing as you are doing now, listen to her moan and groan about how she is the victim---and continue to watch her seek out other men, until she cheats a 2nd time----

Your blowups and arguing are getting you nohwere she is just playing along with you---until you finally do slide this under the rug---basically she cheated, and she is controlling the R.

 

Or you can put your foot down tell her no more whining, no more complaining on her part---and now it is time for her to do all the heavy lifting, no more discussions about how to solve this problem---YOU TELL HER, WHAT WILL BE DONE---END OF DISCUSSION

 

If she doesn't like it---tell her fine, go get an atty to defend agst your petition for D---cuz at this point she ain't a wife, she is just your roommate who still considers herself single, as she looks for attention from other men.

 

I am not sure what you will do---but so far, all you have done is complain, and do nothing for a year---by the way many R's take 2 to 5 yrs, so you still got a long way to go---if R., is your choice.