Can I simply decide once and for all to forgive my wife?

[Rob76]

Hello, I hope this is an appropriate question for this section. I read the pinned post at the top but am not sure if this was a proper affair or not. I apologize if I'm in the wrong place.

 

My wife had a drunken hook up about a year ago at an office party that I should have been at but had to miss for work. She had some individual counseling about other issues but that came up as well. We've worked to forgive each other our various problems.

 

Some of the trouble is the ongoing fallout for her in her career. She'd told me it was just fumbling around kissing, some nudity on her part, and overall just a stupid mistake. She admitted after a lot of counseling and advice that she was drunk but knew what she was doing, he wasn't drunk at all she says and that they'd gone a lot further than she'd told me originally.

 

Also she has to deal with an office where most employees are men in her industry (commercial finance for agriculture) and she's now viewed as that kind of woman, with a few men now making suggestions to her and the few female coworkers avoiding her. The man in question moved to another office a few hours away after a promotion which is why she decided to stay after this, though he's married with children and hadn't bothered her after that night anyway.

 

After she admitted it was still being talked about (she'd mentioned stupidly I think that she wanted me to attend this year and I can't see doing it) we had a huge fight last night and I said basically she'd have to move mountains to earn my love back again.

 

She cried all night and I fumed in another room. I done this before and it seemed I just exploded every few months and it started all over again. But I just couldn't stand it and early this morning I basically came to the conclusion I just had to love her again. I had to stop letting all this ruin our marriage and stop being so proud.

 

I know she loves me and won't do it again. I know also I didn't always give her what she needed. Can someone just decide to forgive? Is that how it works? Does it work to simply move on and stop fighting about the past or will I fail at this again?

[TaraMaiden]

You mention she had counselling....

 

How about you?

[Rob76]

You mention she had counselling....

 

How about you?

 

I haven't though I've thought about it.

[TaraMaiden]

It sounds currently, as if you need it more than she does....

 

Really - I'd get some. These are obviously unresolved anger/resentment issues, which perhaps professional guidance could help you negotiate your way through.

 

I think only after you have confronted your anger and resentment - can you then choose to forgive her.

 

"The Past is over. Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better Past".

 

You need to let go.

And I think Counselling - both individual and joint - will help.

[Rob76]

It sounds currently, as if you need it more than she does....

 

Really - I'd get some. These are obviously unresolved anger/resentment issues, which perhaps professional guidance could help you negotiate your way through.

 

I think only after you have confronted your anger and resentment - can you then choose to forgive her.

 

"The Past is over. Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better Past".

 

You need to let go.

And I think Counselling - both individual and joint - will help.

 

That makes sense.

 

So you don't think just forgiving and moving on finally will work?

[TaraMaiden]

Hasn't so far... has it?

 

It's been a year.

How much longer do you feel it's acceptable to keep whipping her with this, when you claim you have already accepted and forgiven her? Pride got in your way more than once?

If the marriage gets to the point of ruin, will you still wonder then whether forgiving and moving on might have been sufficient?

The fact you're here seeking guidance would indicate that you know that so far, this isn't working as you'd like.....

[road]

Was your WW a peer of the OM or ranked below the OM?

 

Are the women in the office WW's peers or higher then your

 

Are the men where WW works hitting on her, her peers or are they ranked higher then your WW?

 

Was the affair exposed? Who knows about the affair?

 

I understand how you will feel everyone will be laughing at you at the party this year. Did you let your WW know about this concern?

 

I suggest you get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

 

Waiting on your asnwers to offer guidance.

[drifter777]

Only in fantasy can someone simply "decide" to forgive this kind of betrayal. You can decide you are willing to try to reconcile, but forgiveness is not a gift that you can give to her, it's something your wife will have to try and earn. You might want to read the book "How Can I Forgive You?" by Janis A. Spring.

 

You should put more focus on your personal recovery from what she has done to you. See a counselor yourself and the two of you should consider marriage counseling.

 

Do you have children? If not you should think long and hard about continuing your marriage. Reconciling with a cheating wife is more difficult and takes much longer then you can imagine and without children it is not worth the painful journey.

[Rob76]

Was your WW a peer of the OM or ranked below the OM?

 

Are the women in the office WW's peers or higher then your

 

Are the men where WW works hitting on her, her peers or are they ranked higher then your WW?

 

Was the affair exposed? Who knows about the affair?

 

I understand how you will feel everyone will be laughing at you at the party this year. Did you let your WW know about this concern?

 

I suggest you get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

 

Waiting on your asnwers to offer guidance.

 

My wife was ranked below him but not directly. She'd done some work for him on another project and there had been a lot of direct interaction. He had practical authority I guess.

 

I don't know who exactly the men are hitting on her. I know a few have made comments along the lines of her doing a repeat of last year, that kind of thing. I don't know how serious it is, though she doesn't seem as concerned about it as she is about my response to the whole thing.

 

What do you mean exposed? Also was this an affair or something else? She had told me that he had her alone for a time during that night, had opened her blouse and had his hand up her skirt. That was it, other than kissing and fondling. This is all I knew until recently.

 

It wasn't until her counselor who is apparently usually very impartial recommended she tell me that they'd had sex because of the std issue that I found out that more had happened. Does this qualify as an affair? He left her alone after that though he was transfered. I just wonder what the definition is.

 

His colleagues and his boss knew about it after some things were said, but he was promoted out of city.

 

My wife knows that I'm concerned about what is being said.

 

I will try that book, thanks for the rec.

[Rob76]

Only in fantasy can someone simply "decide" to forgive this kind of betrayal. You can decide you are willing to try to reconcile, but forgiveness is not a gift that you can give to her, it's something your wife will have to try and earn. You might want to read the book "How Can I Forgive You?" by Janis A. Spring.

 

You should put more focus on your personal recovery from what she has done to you. See a counselor yourself and the two of you should consider marriage counseling.

 

Do you have children? If not you should think long and hard about continuing your marriage. Reconciling with a cheating wife is more difficult and takes much longer then you can imagine and without children it is not worth the painful journey.

 

I have struggled so much but I haven't thought of leaving. We have no kids yet. She's hesitant to have me at counseling. I want to forgive and just move on if possible.

[Rob76]

Hasn't so far... has it?

 

It's been a year.

How much longer do you feel it's acceptable to keep whipping her with this, when you claim you have already accepted and forgiven her? Pride got in your way more than once?

If the marriage gets to the point of ruin, will you still wonder then whether forgiving and moving on might have been sufficient?

The fact you're here seeking guidance would indicate that you know that so far, this isn't working as you'd like.....

 

So I am at fault anymore? I had worried that was the case.

[drifter777]

I have struggled so much but I haven't thought of leaving. We have no kids yet. She's hesitant to have me at counseling. I want to forgive and just move on if possible.

 

If possible? Haven't you already found out that it is not possible? You will not find a magic, silver bullet here (or anywhere else) that will make you just "get over" her cheating.

 

You need counseling for your own healing. If you are serious about trying to reconcile you need marriage counseling. This is hard work and you need to start taking this seriously.

[whichwayisup]

I have struggled so much but I haven't thought of leaving. We have no kids yet. She's hesitant to have me at counseling. I want to forgive and just move on if possible.

 

Why is that? Maybe there is a bit more to this story and she's afraid to come clean, like possibly they were having an affair and whatever happened at the party, others found out so she had no choice but to tell you? Just makes me wonder..Most who want to save the marriage, will do ANYTHING necessary to make it work..Including going to marriage counseling (with spouse and on their own) as well at some actually quit their jobs too. Even though xMM left that job, maybe it's time your wife does too since she's still being gossiped about and has a reputation.

[Rob76]

Why is that? Maybe there is a bit more to this story and she's afraid to come clean, like possibly they were having an affair and whatever happened at the party, others found out so she had no choice but to tell you? Just makes me wonder..Most who want to save the marriage, will do ANYTHING necessary to make it work..Including going to marriage counseling (with spouse and on their own) as well at some actually quit their jobs too. Even though xMM left that job, maybe it's time your wife does too since she's still being gossiped about and has a reputation.

 

I'd thought of this. Maybe something is hidden still. I don't know why she lied to me before. I wanted to forgive but when I found out the truth it was like it started up again. But I admit being so mad at her at different times this past year.

 

She says if we do joint counseling then she will be browbeaten by the counselor. I don't know why. I don't really know how it works but what she tells me from her individual counselor.

 

I know many at her job know what happened. I don't know how that affected things but I know that he was promoted out of this office to a level only available elsewhere.

 

There are things that happened then also that she has refused to tell me because of how it would affect me she says. I have my suspicions what they were but I haven't gotten up the courage to say tell me.

[Ninja'sHusband]

That makes sense.

 

So you don't think just forgiving and moving on finally will work?

 

 

Depends on how truly remorseful she is. Some of us have tried that. I thought it would work for me...but my wife continued to lie about what happened, continued to put her self in situations where the OM was. No matter how much I wanted to forgive her and preserve our family, it wasn't healthy or sustainable for me.

 

Is she

1) being truthful?

2) being transparent?

3) being remorseful, apologized deeply?

4) showing love?

5) ending all contact with OM?

6) Committing to being faithful from now on?

 

Sounds like she has done much of these. #1 is one of the toughest, but it's also one of the most important. We need the truth. It will surface, especially now that you are on your toes.

[Rob76]

Depends on how truly remorseful she is. Some of us have tried that. I thought it would work for me...but my wife continued to lie about what happened, continued to put her self in situations where the OM was. No matter how much I wanted to forgive her and preserve our family, it wasn't healthy or sustainable for me.

 

Is she

1) being truthful?

2) being transparent?

3) being remorseful, apologized deeply?

4) showing love?

5) ending all contact with OM?

6) Committing to being faithful from now on?

 

Sounds like she has done much of these. #1 is one of the toughest, but it's also one of the most important. We need the truth. It will surface, especially now that you are on your toes.

 

Thanks for this. Yes, I thought that she was truthful about the whole thing from the beginning. I thought she told me quickly. I really thought for a long time it was just some make out session. I didn't understand how she could lie about something so important that could affect us so much. Why lie? Why not make it the truth from the start and begin healing? Now I'm starting over it feels like it at least.

[whichwayisup]

This is the trickle truth..And that's not right or fair to you.

 

And, no way is the MC (marriage counsellor) going to brow beat her. That's her making another excuse not to own her stuff and totally come clean.

 

Time to prepare to sit down and talk to her. Everybody here will help you prepare to have that talk, what to say and how to get her to own it all, come clean and go to MC with you. IF she is afraid of this counselor, taking sides etc, then another one.

 

You love your wife, she loves you, but the marriage is at a stand still until the truth comes out and together you two work through everything..Even if it is bad. Her holding back is fear of losing you, fear of hurting you and also, selfishly on her behalf, facing all that she's done and having to deal with the consquences again.. Painful yes, but if you two truly are wanting to work through this, then it's got to happen. Hiding and lying, keeping secrets is not going to help at all, in fact it'll just make you mistrust her more and be harder for you to forgive and work through it all.

[Rob76]

This is the trickle truth..And that's not right or fair to you.

 

And, no way is the MC (marriage counsellor) going to brow beat her. That's her making another excuse not to own her stuff and totally come clean.

 

Time to prepare to sit down and talk to her. Everybody here will help you prepare to have that talk, what to say and how to get her to own it all, come clean and go to MC with you. IF she is afraid of this counselor, taking sides etc, then another one.

 

You love your wife, she loves you, but the marriage is at a stand still until the truth comes out and together you two work through everything..Even if it is bad. Her holding back is fear of losing you, fear of hurting you and also, selfishly on her behalf, facing all that she's done and having to deal with the consquences again.. Painful yes, but if you two truly are wanting to work through this, then it's got to happen. Hiding and lying, keeping secrets is not going to help at all, in fact it'll just make you mistrust her more and be harder for you to forgive and work through it all.

 

I feel like I know what happened. At least I have an idea now. I think her counselor was concerned I didn't know so she pushed her on it, at least that is my impression.

 

The trickle truth? That makes sense to call it that it has really delayed everything for us not to tell me up front.

 

I wish he hadn't put her in that situation. He goes on to happiness and we still deal with this today, though that is my fault for always having it come back up.

[Rob76]

She wants to attend the Christmas party this year? Did I interpret that correctly?

 

BTW, no kids = run as fast you can to the nearest divorce attorney.

 

Yes, she wants to go with me. But seeing how people talk there I think it would be awful. He's gone so that's not an issue, that's why I agreed to let her stay there, but now that's becoming a problem. I honestly didn't know how far things went that night with him until she told me not that long ago. It feels like it just happened. The situation she described originally hurt very much, but seemed like something a foolish h.s. girl would do with a guy she admired. Once I found out what really went on and how people at her work are acting it became different. I don't think all know, but a few men and apparently most of her female colleagues.

[whichwayisup]

Would she be willing to start looking for another job? It might help.

[Rob76]

Would she be willing to start looking for another job? It might help.

 

I've suggested this a half dozen times since that night. I don't understand her attachment to the place given what she tells me. I know she'd have to change industries, this company is much larger than the town we're in. She can't hit the corporate office without running into him. I don't know if he'd pursue again or avoid her anyway given his wife and kids. I don't know why he did this to us to begin with. Why not just respect? I don't understand what's happened.

[Furious]

Yes, she wants to go with me. But seeing how people talk there I think it would be awful. He's gone so that's not an issue, that's why I agreed to let her stay there, but now that's becoming a problem. I honestly didn't know how far things went that night with him until she told me not that long ago. It feels like it just happened. The situation she described originally hurt very much, but seemed like something a foolish h.s. girl would do with a guy she admired. Once I found out what really went on and how people at her work are acting it became different. I don't think all know, but a few men and apparently most of her female colleagues.

 

Your wife seems oblivious to how difficult it would be for you to go this company party. It's a huge trigger and if anything she should make an excuse to decline going to this function. It seems she is more concerned about attending this party rather than putting your feelings first.

[BrokenPrincess]

This doesn't make sense to me. How does the whole office know what happened? You said OM is married & his own wife doesn't know, so I assume he would've kept his mouth shut. Did someone catch them? Or was this actually more of an affair than a drunken ONS at the holiday party?

 

Also I would not go to the party if I was you. That sounds incredibly uncomfortable & embarrassing, as everyone will be looking at you & thinking about the big scandal that happened at last years party. Especially since it sounds like a gossipy office already. You & your wife should make other romantic and for that night. Or at least spend it working on her resume instead!

[Rob76]

This doesn't make sense to me. How does the whole office know what happened? You said OM is married & his own wife doesn't know, so I assume he would've kept his mouth shut. Did someone catch them? Or was this actually more of an affair than a drunken ONS at the holiday party?

 

Also I would not go to the party if I was you. That sounds incredibly uncomfortable & embarrassing, as everyone will be looking at you & thinking about the big scandal that happened at last years party. Especially since it sounds like a gossipy office already. You & your wife should make other romantic and for that night. Or at least spend it working on her resume instead!

 

I don't know that everyone knows for sure. Somehow I doubt it. I think she's reacting to the fact that his level of supervisors were aware of her interactions with him, from what she tells me now. I don't know that she knew that then. I think myself that he told his colleagues about how things were between them, which is why they say what they do now, or some do.

 

Her boss basically lent her to this man for a specific project. Some of the female workers in her region were upset she'd been chosen for it, mostly for the bonus. She'd asked him to bring her on to his section permanently or at least more often. That didn't happen but she admitted that things were too friendly between them anyway. I guess good friends or something on a professional level that bled into the personal from what it sounds. Was this an affair? I don't know if that's the case or how that works.

 

During the evening when I should have been there, he asked her to take a walk around the ring, which is the main path around the offices that I've seen. She originally told me last December that they ended up in a computer cubby for dead hardware and by then she was feeling the alcohol. Originally she said he was drunk and she was helping him but later she said he'd not been drunk, I don't know what the truth is.

 

They'd made out at that point using her words, which is what I'd pictured for most of this year, something quick, stupid and involving alcohol. He also put his hands on her where he wanted and had exposed her breasts, which she did not tell me until several days later in Dec. I had this story for most of the year.

 

I found recently because of what her counselor encouraged her to tell me for our sake, he'd undressed her at a conference area that same night, she was drunk, she allowed this though knowing what happened while it happened, they had sex she admits finally because of the std factor, which took a long time to admit though she says she was checked long before telling me. I am also angry that we've been trying for a child since late 2010 and this didn't cross her mind, but thankfully no pregnancy.

 

She won't tell me what happened between the original hook up and them having sex but I suspect it was something she won't do for me which is why she won't tell me. She was upset with him because when he left he didn't say anything to her and even that night was not kind to her when he was done she says, was short to her. I don't understand if she felt something for him but it seems absurd to me. He left and his family has transferred as well, so permanent, his wife taught school here but I didn't know him at all beyond maybe the name. Then she said he was promoted and she says they hadn't talked again.

 

Now the same party, there are several each year for different regions and depts, the same one is happening again and she says several men have made comments about will she repeat. I think the assumption is that she is available for that, by her own doing I say, but she denies and seems to see the other guy romantically at least then, she explains now she didn't know how he was she says. But that is small comfort to me, why is that her concern, if he'd been a gentleman to her to begin with we wouldn't be in this situation, us struggling while he moves on with life.

 

My wife is a beautiful woman in my eyes and the eyes of others, and a good woman to me though others might look down on her, she's dealt with this since her teens but she was always so good at handling it all, men approaching, now she's acted like she has no idea what she's done. Sorry for the rant but I just had to get this whole thing out on the page to see if it makes sense. It doesn't entirely to me though.

[Artie Lang]

i agree with the others that you haven't gotten the whole truth. sounds like she was compelled to tell you what you now know. how can you move forward without the whole truth?

 

if you don't get to the bottom of this right now, you're just asking for another d-day. multiple d-days if this was a full-blown affair.

 

 

it sounds like you haven't exposed this to OM's wife. you really need to do this.

 

i'm amazed she wants to go to this party again after what happened.....wow! you're right.....you'll probably end up the laughingstock. has she no shame?

Edited December 11, 2012 by Artie Lang