Need some guidance

[Justtiredofit]

Before I get into the questions, I need to give you a little background on my situation:

 

-Married coming up on 19 years, wife's second marriage, my first.

 

-While she was in school in 2010, she engrossed herself into school and I engrossed myself in hobbies and we grew apart.

 

-Mid 2010, she said if I didn't quit spending so much time w/ hobbies, she would leave.

 

-Jan 2011, she left (after I quit my hobbies and began spending more time with her). I later found out she was texting another man, sending naked pics, and making plans to meet up, but never did (my daughter lived with her). I began an EA with a woman from college (Amber).

 

-Feb 2011, she found out other women were after me and she wanted me back.

 

-March 2011 we moved back in together.

 

-Nov 2011, I stupidly left her thinking I wanted to be with Amber. Amber and I had been talking/texting again since October, making plans to start a life together. (Stupid, I know). Wife fought and fought and fought for our marriage, threatened Amber and everything.

 

-Jan 2012, I went back to my wife.

 

-August 2012, wife was texting a man that she "had an interest in". I left and she begged, screamed, and pleaded for me to come back, to the point that I could hear her throwing up on the phone. I stayed at a friends house for two weeks, then we reconciled and went on a cruise.

 

-October 2012, on the cruise, we vow to put our marriage back together for good, no matter what it takes.

 

-December 2012, (yesterday), after "Honey, baby, love of my life"-ing me since October, great sex, wonderful times together, she says "I don't know what I want".

 

She says "I love you...I don't want you to leave.....I can't see my life without you.....I just don't know what I want." Well, last night I just couldn't lay down beside her, I couldn't sleep so I went to the couch. Today I set her up with a counselor and told her that I will be moving out as soon as I find a place. I will establish NC, except for business/kids (older kids), move out as soon as I can, then reactivate my divorce petition I filed two years ago. I'm DONE with the back and forth.

 

I cannot afford to support myself at this time, as I just began a new sales career and have to build up. But I'm NOT using that as an excuse to stay at the house or flounder around with this. This really sucks because Christmas is coming and this will be another screwed up Christmas for my kids (16 and 20). But it HAS to be done.

 

I know I'm doing the right thing.....I just need a little bit of cheering to help me out. I love my wife very much and want to be with her, so my emotions are up and down. I had to go to the bathroom a couple of times at work today to cry it out, it hurts so badly. BUT....I KNOW that this is the right thing to do.

[Justtiredofit]

Yes, very true. I went home last night after being out late. I went and slept in my bed under a different blanket. I told her I'm only doing this to avoid freezing to death in the living room and that I didn't want to send any messages. Should I:A) Stay at the house, sleep on the couch and continue on financially until I file for divorce or we work things out.B) Go stay at a friends house temporarily and continue the same with bank accounts and finances.C) Move out now, change banks, change finances now.I noticed a lot of readers, but not a lot of folks responding. I really need some advice here folks!

[Cb3657]

If your really ready to move on take option C, anything else is half measure, It really sounds like you two are dedicated to dating others over what, 2 years you both had other people in your marriage reads like twice each. If you love her and want to stay toghther you may want to negotiate a open marriage, I don't see how else this will work, your both dating.

[Yasuandio]

Yes, very true. I went home last night after being out late. I went and slept in my bed under a different blanket. I told her I'm only doing this to avoid freezing to death in the living room and that I didn't want to send any messages. Should I:A) Stay at the house, sleep on the couch and continue on financially until I file for divorce or we work things out.B) Go stay at a friends house temporarily and continue the same with bank accounts and finances.C) Move out now, change banks, change finances now.I noticed a lot of readers, but not a lot of folks responding. I really need some advice here folks!

 

You have really been jacked around. However, you also have been an active participant in the dance. I would venture to say, you don't trust her and she doesn't trust you. That might be a fair position for both sides to embrace.

 

So, what do you do?

 

For one, I would stop talking about it (you know, avoid stuff like the explanation for the separate blanket, blah, blah). How does that help? I'm sure statements like that push her buttons, and poke a stick in the "feeling" department - if anything. Maybe you were checking for a response, her tempature, a reaction perhaps? A positive sign?

 

If you are going to divorce, then maybe you should try not to sleep in the same bed - just get an extra blanket, sweatshirt, and two pairs of socks - if that's what it takes. I don't know where you live, nor the climate. But there must be a way to get warm.

 

It was 32 last night in Atlanta. I'm not running the heat - to save costs, and I stayed warm.

 

With all the choices you have pointed out - and this back and forth history - I would imagine you are spinning like a top. Sometimes it's not a good idea to make huge decisions when your spinning. A, B, C, and D all have consequences, and make a "statement" to your wife. Which statement do you really want to make? To me, somewhere I detect you may be undecided, unsure. Am I correct? Yas

[Justtiredofit]

Hey Yas, thank you so much for your reply. Since I put down my affair down on January 1 of this year, I have been 100% in this marriage.

 

However, a long time friend of mine posted pics of her and me together from 20 years ago, (not anything bad). People started asking questions and looking at my wife funny, then that is when she sent me for a spin when she texted that man in August. So I left her. She begged me to come back so I did.

 

Then, Sunday she sent me for another spin when she said "I don't know what I want".

 

[Ya know, to me, "I don't know what I want" means "I don't want you, I want him". When I said that to her, she said "Look straight into my eyes...I SWEAR TO GOD there is NO ONE ELSE." She normally just hem-haws around saying no...no... and looking down at the ground.]

 

So it's a possibility that there is no one else. and if that's the case, then I am willing to put the brakes on the leaving train. When you leave, it can cause more damage.

 

Since Sunday, she cries saying she doesn't want me to leave, "I love you", "I can't see my life without you", etc. But if there is another man, I will not compete with him, stay in the same house with her, nor stay married to her.

 

This is why I'm torn.

[Yasuandio]

Hey Yas, thank you so much for your reply. Since I put down my affair down on January 1 of this year, I have been 100% in this marriage.

 

However, a long time friend of mine posted pics of her and me together from 20 years ago, (not anything bad). People started asking questions and looking at my wife funny, then that is when she sent me for a spin when she texted that man in August. So I left her. She begged me to come back so I did.

 

Then, Sunday she sent me for another spin when she said "I don't know what I want".

 

[Ya know, to me, "I don't know what I want" means "I don't want you, I want him".

 

It appears she just cannot decide right now, which man she wants, with all the cake in her mouth. It is so GD good!! A double layer of mouth-watering frosting, and sprinkles! Oh dear, I know for sure I would have trouble resisting this set of yummy circustances myself (BTDT).

 

When I said that to her, she said "Look straight into my eyes...I SWEAR TO GOD there is NO ONE ELSE." She normally just hem-haws around saying no...no... and looking down at the ground.]

 

AND....What would you do? (I picture her licking the frosting off her chops, and salavating like a Pavlov's dog!).

 

I'm sorry, I just had to type the previous sentence - I couldn't restain myself.

 

So it's a possibility that there is no one else.

 

Right. Dude Man, Get REAL!!!

 

and if that's the case, then I am willing to put the brakes on the leaving train. When you leave, it can cause more damage.

 

Has she caused, or is she causing any damage with the cake-eating issue? How about you? How's you taste for cake these days? Sorry- I got sarcastic - please - excuse me, but I wouldn't be tempted to write such a thing, if there were not a good reason - I'm too nice, and tact (most of the time).

 

Since Sunday, she cries saying she doesn't want me to leave, "I love you", "I can't see my life without you", etc.

 

Yeah, right (that works great with cake plumping up her chipmunk cheeks - more effective than botox on those smile lines).

 

But if there is another man, I will not compete with him, stay in the same house with her, nor stay married to her.

 

Is there another man? Do you or don't you know that? Or don't you wanna believe it? What are the facts? Listen man... listen to common sense, listen to reality, and most importantly yourself your gut instinct.

 

This is why I'm torn.

 

It is your choice to be "torn," or in denial. I regret how tough this post I've entered is for you to endure, but I am trying to help you. I wish I had this kind of straightforwardness directed at me YEARS ago. You requested guidence, now here it is. Please reflect and write us back. LS community cares. Yas

 

PS There's always more than one perspective - and mine is only that - one perspective.

Edited December 11, 2012 by Yasuandio

[Justtiredofit]

UPDATE

 

We talked this morning and she admitted to still having feelings for this man from the summer. She has had feelings for him for a long time.

 

The thing is, he is a friend of mine that she began talking to when I left her for another woman, because she knew that I was spending a lot of time with him. So she contacted him at that time trying to get information and advice from him about what I was doing and how she could get me back, etc.

 

She also doesn't know that when I asked him this summer if there was anything going on, he said:

 

"Same complaining about you except for one text she sent me, and I want to tell you, but I don't want to hurt you or our friendship. You and I are friends....I am friends with her ONLY because of you, and it stops right there. She sent one text and asked me to meet with her to talk about y'all, and I didn't feel comfortable about it so I started ignoring her. From now on, I'll just send you every text she sends me."

 

He sent me every text from that time forward. I checked the records, and everything lined up. (And then you know the rest of the story....I confronted her, we split up, she begged me back, etc.) He's a very good friend of mine, fine Christian man, etc. He's going thru a divorce himself as well. He's not the least bit interested in her and never will be. Another way I know is I talk to his best friends, they were like "WTF? He wants to get back with his wife....?"

 

The thing is, should I just come out and TELL him what he already suspects? Should I:

 

-Just bust this right out in the open, exposing everything and tell everyone involved? and make a big-ass stink?

 

OR

 

-Tell my wife "It's either ME, or your little fantasy....which is it?"

[Yasuandio]

Justtiredofit,

 

Look at your post name. It says it all: JUST TIRED OF IT.

 

And, as you said before, I think, "You are torn."

 

Now, in this recent post - you wanna know - should you blow it outta the water and tell everyone? Or should you force her to make a choice (basically - an ultimatum)?

 

Maybe there is another choice - for now.

 

Since you are torn - and both the last options you have provided BOTH have their own certain consequences (exposing embarrasses and hurts people, and generally ultmatums force a person in a corner, and generally don't work so well) let me propose another option.

 

Have you considered just detaching, distancing yourself from all involved, disengaging from the situation, saying nothing, period. Let things fall where they are going to fall. Essentially - this proposal means "DO NOTHING."

 

Then you don't have to face yourself with this (and other) choices. Possibly, let the other players make their own choices of their own valition, and remain observant, and learn. Then go from there, after some time passes. Her actions (their' actions) will speak for themselves to you in time. Meawhile - NC or LC, and for Heaven's sake, NO SERIOUS TALK.

 

Whatta you think about that idea? Can you do it?

 

Let's see what other LS posters say about this idea, ok? I hope this helps. Yas

[Justtiredofit]

Thank you so much Yas. Yes, your Jeckle and Hyde posts have been helpful and very to the point. There has been a lot of leaving going on in this marriage. She's done it once, I've done it twice. It really causes problems and you can only reconcile so many times.

 

A friend of mine told me today that she feels my wife doesn't know what she wants and is fantasizing about this other man, because she has been very fearful about me leaving her again (especially since I left her a little over a year ago, told her I never loved her, etc. Very hurtful, but apparently I didn't know how much). I thought about this and realized THAT is the reason she keeps asking why my truck is packed, and keeps asking me if I'm going to leave her. My friend also said that I have not given her the reassurance I need to give her. I thought about THAT too, and sure enough, my wife texts me every day, little love notes, and can't wait to see you tonight, and right at my get off time she always calls. I have NOT been reciprocating at all. I just let her pour out on me to try to "keep her in check" rather than pouring the love back on her. I do this because I am fearful that if I show love, she will take advantage of that, get comfortable, then leave me. Well damn, if I poured myself out like that and my wife didn't reciprocate, I'd be fantasizing too.

 

So I've decided to dig my heels in, lose the fear, look her straight in the eyes and tell her that I'm not leaving her. I'm gonna bite the bullet, take the chance, and if she leaves me anyway, I guess that's a chance I have to take.

 

Ya know the scriptures say love your wife the way Christ loves the church. Christ would never leave the church. So I'm gonna give her the reassurance I think she needs that I'm not leaving and that my friend says she needs. And if she still wants to stay on this fantasy (which he is not, nor will he be interested so it's a fantasy only) OR even if she runs away with some OTHER man, at least I can rest saying I did EVERYTHING I could on my part.

 

Flame away, but even though I'll be sad, there will be NO regrets.

[Yasuandio]

Thank you so much Yas. Yes, your Jeckle and Hyde posts have been helpful and very to the point.

 

It was my pleasure. You got my number, alright, - I am bi-polar 2, and often I respond to some posted issues, such as yours, as you say, like a Jeckle/Hyde. Actually, I have been concerned about this divergent method of expression I have- to the point that I have most considered NOT posting my perspective (be it your thread, or others for that matter). But if it helped you, that is encouraging to me, and makes me very happy also.

 

There has been a lot of leaving going on in this marriage. She's done it once, I've done it twice. It really causes problems and you can only reconcile so many times.

 

A friend of mine told me today that she feels my wife doesn't know what she wants and is fantasizing about this other man, because she has been very fearful about me leaving her again (especially since I left her a little over a year ago, told her I never loved her, etc. Very hurtful, but apparently I didn't know how much). I thought about this and realized THAT is the reason she keeps asking why my truck is packed, and keeps asking me if I'm going to leave her. My friend also said that I have not given her the reassurance I need to give her. I thought about THAT too, and sure enough, my wife texts me every day, little love notes, and can't wait to see you tonight, and right at my get off time she always calls. I have NOT been reciprocating at all. I just let her pour out on me to try to "keep her in check" rather than pouring the love back on her. I do this because I am fearful that if I show love, she will take advantage of that, get comfortable, then leave me. Well damn, if I poured myself out like that and my wife didn't reciprocate, I'd be fantasizing too.

 

So I've decided to dig my heels in, lose the fear, look her straight in the eyes and tell her that I'm not leaving her. I'm gonna bite the bullet, take the chance, and if she leaves me anyway, I guess that's a chance I have to take.

 

Ya know the scriptures say love your wife the way Christ loves the church. Christ would never leave the church. So I'm gonna give her the reassurance I think she needs that I'm not leaving and that my friend says she needs. And if she still wants to stay on this fantasy (which he is not, nor will he be interested so it's a fantasy only) OR even if she runs away with some OTHER man, at least I can rest saying I did EVERYTHING I could on my part.

 

I think this is the most elegant position you could ever take.

 

I sincerely hope you share this thinking and conclusion with your wife.

 

Flame away, but even though I'll be sad, there will be NO regrets.

 

No flames! Your newfound stance has brought me to my knees, figuritively speaking.

 

 

Be safe, smart, and strong. Perhaps you will get what you give, and then you guys will be able to "write off" this confusing and unfortunate chapter in your marriage. A new start with a clean slate, so to speak. Good luck, and keep us posted. Yas

Edited December 13, 2012 by Yasuandio

[Justtiredofit]

Well, I did it. I told her that I'm digging in and not leaving, and that the only way the marriage will end is if SHE tells me, and that the only way I will leave is if SHE tells me I should go.

 

Well, I got nothing but rejection. I guess she is really enjoying this fantasy.

 

[bTW, I called my buddy again about this (the man she has this attraction to), and he is livid. He says he gave her nothing but sound spiritual advice on how to make our marriage work, and she just used him as a friggin pawn to get back at me. He said "Brother, if she ever tries to contact or talk to me again, I will tell her I want NOTHING to do with her." I found out this weekend that he wants HIS wife back really badly as well.]

 

BUT.....I did get HER to tell me it was over, and HER to tell me that she wanted me to leave. That way my hands are clean, and I will not get blamed for anything.

 

So I left the house and am living with a friend at the moment. But my original divorce petition is on file downtown. So I contacted my attorney to reactivate it. They said all that has to happen is: 1) They will draft a new terms agreement. 2) She signs and agrees with the terms of the divorce in this agreement. 3) They turn it into the judge and he signs and finalizes it. They said it will only take 3 days (waiting period has already expired).

 

I believe it's time for me to take quick and swift action. I tried, she turned me away. So now, I need to stay scarce (the more she sees me, the more she gets "fed", right?). Then I need move forward with the divorce asap.

 

Thoughts anyone?