BUBS Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Break ups are exhausting I know this. In the past two months I have experienced so many emotions that I no longer feel like I have any control over them whatsoever. Its so bad that when I feel even remotely sane (which is rarely) I jump around like a crack head trying to complete as much as I've let go as possible before its gone once again. I know the concept of coping, I know time heals all, and that "no contact" is best. I know all of it, I've been over these forums, been through break ups in the past, and read enough on the internet to write my own book. Unfortunately knowing everything about this deadly disease does not cure it. I am slipping again. After a few days of sanity, where I could empower myself enough to say good riddance (though not believe it) I am back to a blubbering teary eyed mess that's desperate for him to come back. I hid the engagement ring from myself, and threw out what I could. I blocked him on social networking sites and stopped forcing myself to think of how in the world I would get my things and dog and decide to instead ignore everything, and yet I'm still breaking down. I'm afraid of Christmas, and new years... I'm afraid of everything. I built my life around this person, as most of you who are here are experiencing the same angst. This pain is almost worse than the initial break up. That false hope has dulled now that when I imagine him coming back or loving me again it hurts more with how unlikely I feel it is. Now I'm forced to deal with reality, which no matter how hard I tried in the beginning I could not allow myself to do. Waking up each day knowing I'm further away from him, from us, from a time in which he loved me, or it was completely normal to call him and be myself, is the most crippling feeling in the world. 10 years of my life dedicated to loving him, and now even when he's gone and I can finally focus some of that love on myself, it's still focused on him... its still time wasted on him. How do I stop? I've tried exercise, nutrition, cooking. I've tried socializing and isolating. I've gone no contact, and tried low contact. I've watched only happy or upbeat shows and listened to only happy or upbeat music, and I've listened to miserable music trying to get it all out already. I've deleted what I can, thrown out what I can, un-tagged what I can. I've picked up a bunch of different hobbies, none of which I can focus on. I've tried to do my homework. I've tried every suggestion they have, even gone on dates just to remind myself that people are interested in me and that I'll be just fine. I know I will be... and I know I don't have a choice. That plaguing myself over whether or not I will ever be as fulfilled or happy as I could have been growing old with him, or frustrating myself over the idea that some other bitch will be buried next to him when they die instead of me, is doing me no good in the least. I need positive responses of people who felt this way and pulled through.. Please.
KJBA2816 Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 I feel this way right now I am also at a loss. People say he's taken it hard but he is off with some new girl.. Really taking it hard? I cannot function anymore big hugs to you x
Dkp Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 I feel the sane way. I broke nc and don't even want to post a new thread after all the great advice I got. I'm losing it I busy out crying out of nowhere. I just don't understand why he doesn't care!! And meanwhile I kno he's been seeing the girl he cheated on me with. I'm so lost right now.. None of my break ups have been like this. I wanted him to be the one for me so bad. I'm sorry your going through it too
cavalier99 Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Sorry this is so rough. Your brain can only handle so much suffering and will just snap out of it (at least the worst of it) and heal itself with time. Hopefully one day soon. If you stick with NC. Have you tried praying on your knees daily and asking for help from whatever you believe in to help you get thru this? Do you breath and meditate and reflect on what you are grateful for? This has helped me pull myself into the present.
Author BUBS Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 Thanks guys. I know how you feel. I'm sure he is with someone else, as he seemed to have prospects lined up before i was out the door. I'm ashamed of myself for being so desperate, for wanting someone this much that I could allow it to hurt my life in such a horrible way. Most of us break no contact, there's no reason to be hard on yourself, though I can't say I'm not when I do break it too. I wish I had a solution for you, or for myself. "Even though sometimes the world seems about six sizes too small for our pain, the amazing **** is that no matter how deep purple the bruise is, no matter how dark and overwhelming and miserable and worthless it all seems the world will get a fraction of an inch bigger every day. Really, every ****ing day. And you won’t notice it for a long time until suddenly, one day, it’s only five times too small for your pain and then four and then the world will just keep getting larger and larger in comparison to your shattered heart and eventually it will be able to hold it and then it will outgrow it. And your pain will be just a speck in your world. It is supposed to feel like the end of the world right now. That, my beautiful dearest Ris, is how you know that it was worth it. That is why it was one of the relationships that shook your core and after which you will never be the same. That is how you know that you are growing up and are experiencing **** rather than living safely in risk-free choices…. The world is supposed to feel as though it is ending and you are supposed to know only in the most dormant recesses of the backmost corner of your soul that it will not be like this forever. You are supposed to feel acutely and lucidly that everything is over that your purpose for life is worthless and that not even cheesy pasta and molly ringwald movies are going to make you smile, and you are supposed to know opaquely and elusively and abstractly that everything is not over and that your purpose in life is so much huger than you can ever imagine and is still saturated with value and that you will eat pesto and read Stephen Dunn and live in Manhattan and have stacks of waffles at corner diners with girlfriends and spend inordinate amounts of money on bath products and sunbathe on the roof reading trashy novels and you will will will will will will will love again. I did not think that I was going to be able to ever breathe without shaking again after J broke up with me, let alone successfully love and **** again. That is what you are supposed to think. I cried hysterically for months. I wept so much that I had stewardesses on planes ask me if I needed oxygen, I had waitresses refuse to serve me, I had strangers approach me with offers of help. Then I stopped. Then I started again and stopped again and started again and then stopped for good… … I promise you will survive, and with more grace than you can now imagine and that you will have more grit and vision because of it. Moral: Sometimes someone can crack open something that feels very safe and make you unreasonably vulnerable: you will live to tell the story of this shock." 1
Allumere Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 (edited) You expressed yourself very well and captured what many of us are still feeling/dealing with on an hourly basis regardless of using all the tools. This type of loss is as painful as losing a loved one in death and IMHO is worse. In death, if fortunate to have had a loving relationship, the focus is on the loss which is horrible (and I mean in no way to make light of that loss as I have shared that journey with my father and a close friend and have seen the pain/process) but when a relationship is ended one must now deal with the issue of abandonment on top of grieving the loss. So many "whys" you don't even know where to begin, so many "whys" that will have no answers. It is overwhelming and all consuming at once. And because the other person is still here, because the love is still in your heart, you just want one more day, one more moment, one more touch. You are left questioning everything as what you believed, what was built is now gone. How did this happen? I just don't understand. Sometimes the end is a blessing even when those feelings exist. The ex was abusive, controlling or a cheat but as you have read, its still just as hard for the folks that came from those breakups as they too can experience the same feelings of loss or abandonment even when they know they are better off. All I can come up with after dealing with all this myself is that at the core is fear. Fear of change, the unknown, ourselves, repeating mistakes, being alone, failure, not experiencing those things/those feelings that made the relationship so precious, and letting go. It does not matter how many times you hear "it gets better" or if you are at at point where you truly believe it, if fear remains so will the emotions and pain. I think all you can do is continue on the path you are on. Acknowledge the pain and grief (yes, just go ahead and feel it because trying to bury it will only result in it coming back down the line) when it hits you like a two-by four and when it subsides a bit, push forward with whatever positives you are able to focus on...even if its for 5 minutes. Each time you do its a small success in your journey moving forward. Take the time to try and understand why you are feeling a certain way but don't beat yourself up if you don't have an answer....sometimes they come much later. Don't compare your progress to anyone elses either as each individual has many many different things that affect this process. The holidays do not help..AT ALL. But ask yourself why are you scared of them? If its because you think you will be alone, then don't be. Lean of family and friends and don't worry if you have moments of blubbering because you miss your ex during those times, it is normal. If that is too many triggers for you then maybe do something you have never done for the XMAS (I took my Dad skiing for XMAS day after my mom passed....nothing like the usual XMAS). The short term goal is to survive it, and you will. XMAS day is like all others...its a day of the week with 24 hours and another day will come right after it. You'll still be here, maybe exhausted and a little beaten up but here none the less. Each time you get through you will get stronger as many on here will attest to. Edited December 11, 2012 by Allumere
Author BUBS Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 Cavallier, yes I've tried positive affirmations, prayer and expressing gratitude. Most days it doesn't do much for me, at times even makes me more emotional, but I'm hoping that will turn around soon. Allumere, thank you I agree it really is more fear based than anything, or rejection based. I guess they go hand in hand. I'm tired of losing my footing. I know that it's too fresh, I just feel like it is an endless cycle. No one is deserving of this kind of pain in my opinion, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies, though occasionally I do wish it upon him, but not so that he could feel pain, but just come back to me haha. I really hope that one day I came come back to all of this and laugh, though I'm sure this isnt one of those break ups I'll laugh about in the end. I'm lost and confused, I realize that there are more deep rooted issues with myself here than with him, co-dependency, self esteem issues and so forth... its just hard to tackle them when you are falling to pieces. I wish there was a quick fix
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