sydneylovesyou123 Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 So i've posted a few threads about the situation I'm in. But I need more venting. Here's a quick catchup. My boyfriend? ex-boyfriend? idk what you would call it right now and I have been dating for 5 months ldr basically all of it. He's in pharmacy school. Has been completely different the past 4 1/2 months, says he is a completely different person when he is stressed. I've been doing nothing but keeping by his side after he's been miserable and stressed every day. Pharmacy school is not for him, except he continues to believe it is. So on Saturday he said that he feels like a bad boyfriend and doesn't feel all there for whatever reason. He feels like he didn't really have time after him and his ex broke up before we started. He said he doesn't feel like a good boyfriend because he is always so busy with school and stressed that he can't talk to me as much as he wants to or can't come visit me. He said it wasn't fair to me. He basically said we are done. I just took a moment to myself and said that if that's what he wanted then I'd respect that. Then he came back adn said "idk idk what i want. I don't know if that's it or if I want you" He said he just needs some time and needs to focus on school and everything. Basically he feels like school and long distance is preventing us from becoming closer. I agreed to this. He is such a wonderful person and I care about him in every way possible, but he is not the same person I came to know this past summer. The stress makes him like a brick wall. He is going through a depression and admitted it to me himself. Do you know how tiring it is to say nice things and tell him I care so much about him and I get "i know, thanks" in return. or sometimes "me too" **** this whole depression thing, this is NOT him. It kills me. I put in 150% and get 10% out for whatever reason. Whenever we see each other it's fine, but when we don't he says everything is at a standstill and he's been trying to give it a chance. So we decided to go on a break. He said "we would see how this week goes" I wasn't sure what he meant by this so I asked for clarification and said well should we talk? and he said "i will talk to you if I want to. You can talk to me anytime." That's how we left it. It's only been two days, I know. But it's killing me. I can't be the one to contact him, but I want to sooo badly. I deleted his number just so that I wouldn't be tempted to do it, because I always cave. He has exams all this week and I have my final exams next week. Then we are home for break. Do you think he will talk to me before then? Or do you think it's just over? I want him to realize what it is he has in front of him because the past 4 months he has completely 100% taken me for granted. I WAS GOING THROUGH STRESS TOO, but it was always about him. His stress, his workload, none of it was about me. I was understanding and stood by him for months because I know this is a rough patch in his life. I hate it all. If he was still in undergrad with me, things would be perfectly fine. I want to talk to him So anyways, out of the blue yesterday his mother calls me and asks me if I was okay. He's a mamma's boy so I guess that's how she knew something. She has always been a fan of me and had seen how good of a person I am and how good for her son I am. She talks with me and said that she needs to have a serious talk about if pharmacy school is what he wants to really be doing with the rest of his life. He's in a depression, he is mentally exhausted and going through his second semester of pharmacy school, still 1.5 years of straight hell. I'm trying to be understanding and supportive but some people aren't cut out for that. She said that while he was on the phone with me on Saturday, he was texting her saying that he didn't think we would make it through. She talked with him later on for a little bit, and he didn't wanna talk about it. He was upset and said he felt really bad and didn't know what to do. She said she feels like he wants to put 110% effort in with no distractions. She feels terrible and wants to talk to him. But anytime she talks to him about anything not just me, he immediately hangs up the phone saying he has to study. She says that this isn't her son and he would talk to her hours on end. She knows that something is wrong with him; depression, stress, etc. When she finally talked to him last night, she asked about me (then told me what he said) she said that she asked what was going on and he said "we are taking a break and I need to focus on school, i'm not talking about this, i am hanging up to go study" I don't know what to do. My heart is literally in pain over this, can barely breathe, etc. It's been two days and he hasn't contacted me. I know it's only two days but I feel like I'm being forgotten about because if he truly wanted to talk to me, he would. I can't cave in, I said I wouldn't. I'm sure he expects me to talk to him first. I can't eat or sleep whenever I think about this. Makes me so upset because I literally have done nothing wrong at all. In his worst times, I was the one who stood by him. I thought I would mean more to him by now. Am I being too irrational? Am I being too needy? Will he realize what he has? What will he say when he talks to me, whenever that may be? All these questions are tearing me up inside. I have finals too, but can't concentrate When I am around people I am okay until I think of this. Then immediately I have a sinking feeling in my heart and feel absolutely worthless. I'm trying here, but I just want answers. What is everyone's thoughts??
umirano Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 I know this is easier said than done, but I think you need to back off and let him figure it out himself. Some things can't be explained to people. They need to experience it. Like what kind of relationship they want and need. Your (X)BF probably needs to feel what he loses and maybe he needs to feel even stronger how much he suffers when he continues with this school. No matter how much you talk to him, he will intellectually understand what you are saying, but it won't change his action, because it is not an inner experience he's made. Words are less powerful than we think. Your influence on him is limited. See parents who try to warn their kids from dangerous stuff. There's no better teacher than experience. You just stand by, until he comes back to you. He knows you will understand him and help him, once he decided to change things on his side. If he doesn't, or if you lose your feelings for him, that's too bad, but it would happen eventually anyway. And he isn't stupid, he knows about this risk. All the best 2
Author sydneylovesyou123 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 Thanks for that. I agree. I know it has ony been two days but it has really been killing me. I'm so used to talking to him on a regular basis. I feel like he has completely forgotten about me and is happier without me I mean I don't know that for sure, I just feel that way because he has not contacted him yet. As much as I say I will cave, I know I cannot and will not do it. Do you think it is all headed south? Like we won't be together? Hard to say. I'm losing sleep and everything over this. Really making me physically and emotionally sick. Every time I try to eat something, once I try to eat it, I lose my appetite. I guess this is what it feels like to be heartbroken..
umirano Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I am very sorry for you. But you're really not helping yourself when trying to make it work despite everything that happened. You showed that you want to make it work. Now you have to let the time do its work on his side. And you have to protect yourself. Being heartbroken is tough. Divert yourself. Physical activity helps a lot. Even if it's just walks. Go for a 30 min walk everyday. As you are studying, even more so. I wish you all the best!
Life'sGood Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Give him a break and give yourself a break too. You're obviously stressed out by this whole situation. Find something to do, catch up with your friends. Surround yourself with people that way you won't keep thinking about him. He needs to figure himself out and what he really wants and it is a good idea to take the break. It's only 5 more days. Just act like he's in a place that has no phone/internet connection.
Author sydneylovesyou123 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 Yeah i give myself props for being so strong. Usually, I am very weak and cave in. I just really want this to work. Hoping space helps a lot.
meeji Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 You wrote that he has been completely different for 4 months. I didn't sound like you were happy in the relationship before he ended it so why all of a sudden are you clinging so desperately? Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't appreciate you and takes you for granted? Maybe he wasn't always like that but you said lately he has been. With both of you guys in school and during midterms it probably is a good idea to take a breather from this relationship and focus on the future. The relationship is stressing you both out it seems. A relationship where one person is always giving and the other is always taking cannot be good. Maybe this guy is doing you a favor and you can't see it just yet. Maybe his feelings for you have changed, maybe they haven't but the best advice I can give you is to wait it out. I know you are hurt and probably are pretty pissed off too among other things but if you were in an LDR he wasn't there anyway. If the relationship ends I hope you find someone who is more worth your time and willing to fight just as hard for you as you will for him.
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