emilywtf Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 **Just another letter, like so many others posted. Never will be sent, just a way to express myself and clarify my thoughts** I am sure you won't like this but I figure at this point it cannot hurt to be completely honest about how I feel and why I acted the way I did for so long. Probably the biggest problem I had was the fact that before our relationship had time to get started you were already cheating. I let it go once, but it happened again and I left. That really colored how I would respond to you and certain situations. That really damaged my trust in you and it took years to get that trust back, especially since, in less than a week, you had Ashley. It made me wonder if you had something going with her before I left (In October, while you were in Austin with your dad). However... I came back. You were mean, you told me I was a whore because I kissed a guy while we were apart (not a kiss that I initiated, either), that that single kiss was far worse than your long term phone and internet sexual affair with that old lady. And even though I did not believe what I did was worse, I felt bad. Because I thought you felt bad, because I thought I hurt you. I cannot even tell you how much I loved you. I always seemed to know things. I knew when you were going to start a fight, I knew when you were being unfaithful, I knew when you were on your way home. Just like I could feel you in my heart getting closer to Raton when you came to visit me there (I will always treasure that memory). I would dismiss my feelings, though. I let you tell me no when the answer was yes, and I would suppress my concerns and worries because it would make you mad if I expressed them. I wish now I had done things differently. Not more- I say sometimes I could have done more but really, that is letting your words inaccurately communicate what I mean. Different. I put your happiness far, far above my own, which lead to me losing myself, becoming depressed, and being so fearful of you leaving, and I let you tell me that the things I needed were not important, I let you dictate the nature and course of the relationship and because of that I lost my power, I lost who I was. I did not know myself or my needs anymore and I lost my power to communicate them with you. I suppressed and I ate to cope. It caused health problems and I lost friends because of it. We became used to that. It was normal. When I found out about Robin (and Amber, and Amanda, and Jodi) I took all the blame. I told myself it was because I did not do enough, or do things right... But because I worked so hard and gave so much, I did not know what else to give. I became more depressed, which translated to more insecurities, and weight gain, and more fear. I was terrified to lose you, but the truth of the matter was, you were never mind to lose. Then there was Penelope, and Katie, and Corinne, and now Michelle. I read online something that I feel to be an ultimate truth- If you wanted to be with me, you would be with me, right now. You would be willing to put forth effort to make this work, you would be willing to do what I need. We would try to make each other happy, and not at the expense of ourselves. We would blame, but also accept responsibility, and work together to make this a real relationship rather than what it ended up becoming. I hit rock bottom. I was suicidal, and self harming, and crying. I was so bad my supervisor at work called my therapist to get my FMLA so I could take time off when I needed it, rather than keep cracking under the stress of my marriage, and school, and work. I finally started to get help. I learned about coping skills. I started to relearn communication skills. This brought new and amazing people into my life. I actually have FRIENDS again when I had none for years. I started to lose weight and exercise. I started to look for my joy. Now you tell me I am selfish. You tell me I am a narcissist, or a sociopath. That I never did anything to help the relationship, that I am horrible, and you wish I would die. I will never win. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for you... But it is because of you, NOT ME. I can't make you happy because happiness must come from within and you keep looking externally for something to make you happy- A woman, booze, cars, money, drugs. Things that, at the end of the day, are meaningless if you can't be happy with yourself and feel you did your best. I loved you with my whole heart, and I still love you. However, I love me more. I am walking away from you, and us, and the past- both the pain and joy. I am walking away to preserve my heart and my soul. I am walking away because I know my worth now, and I have gotten my power back. It's been years, but I am walking away from you so I can be ME.
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