acheybreakey Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 I am having a lot of trouble moving on after my ex. I loved him more than I ever thought I could love a person. We dated for almost 3 years and during that time we spent almost 2 years living together, working together, essentially spending almost 24 hours a day with each other. Amazingly, we never got sick of each other, always had fun together. He cheated on me during the beginning of our relationship sort of... He was still in a long distance relationship with his ex when we started dating, and they didnt stop talking or telling each other that they loved each other for the first six months of our relationship. I eventually forgave him for it, but this was the source of a lot of our fights and he never forgave me for not getting over it faster. When we both went home to visit our families for the a month during the summer, everything was great between us, he even told me he wanted to get married even though he had always said that he would never get married and didn't believe in committing for life. My mom got sick with cancer and I called him to get comforted and instead he told me he didn't know how to deal with that and broke up with me. I later found out that he had met someone his first week at home and had started dating her behind my back. When I confronted him about it, he told me they were a much better match than we ever were and that even though he only knew her for a couple weeks that he loved her more than me. I hate him so much... it has been almost three and a half months and I still think about him every day and feel the pain so strongly. I miss him so much and I wish I had him to comfort me about my mom. I try not to think about him but I can't. It hurts so badly sometimes that I feel sick. I thought I had started to move on a while ago, but then maybe 7 weeks ago he contacted me telling me how sad he was without me and how much he missed me. We started talking and I told him that I still loved him. He told me he couldn't tell me how he felt yet. That it wasn't the time to talk. I knew I should walk away but I couldn't stop myself from going back to him. Every time I asked him to tell me why he left me or asked him how he felt he kept saying later. Now he tells me that he will go on a field work excursion to Africa for research for three months... an excursion that he knew I was going on with one other researcher. I told him he shouldn't come but he refuses to drop out. I told him I can't be around him wanting him for three months when he wont tell me if he even wants me and he told me to get over it. Then last night he told me that he wanted to get back together, so I asked him if he was still seeing that girl he left me for. He told me that he wasn't but I didn't trust him. I know I shouldn't have, but I sent her an email telling her that he wanted to get back together with me and are they still dating. She responded that they are madly in love but because they are far apart they are not together, although they will be one day, and he is free to do whatever he wants in the meantime. Now he is mad at me and told me that what I did was immature and that he doesn't love me and doesn't have any interest in getting back together with me. I don't know how to get closure on this whole situation. It's so confusing and the whole situation has become so convoluted. I feel consumed by it. I realize now that I don't want to get back together with him because all he will do is hurt me more. But I can't stop thinking about him. All I want to do is talk to him and ask him why, but I know it won't give me any satisfaction. I feel like everything I try gives me no satisfaction. I write down a list of everything bad in our relationship and I feel better for an hour but then I am right back to feeling bad. I tell him I will not talk to him but then a few hours later all I want to do is talk to him. I try to talk to him and I end up feeling foolish and bad about myself. How do I move past this? I am so terrified of how awful I will feel alone with him on my field excursion and it kills me that he tells me he will be fine so now I just need to get over it.
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 he had always said that he would never get married and didn't believe in committing for life. Either he really doesn't, or really doesn't with you. Either way this is the first clue you missed, and the exact moment you should have dropped his azz!! My mom got sick with cancer and broke up with me. I later found out that he had met someone his first week at home and had started dating her behind my back. When I confronted him about it, he told me they were a much better match than we ever were and that even though he only knew her for a couple weeks that he loved her more than me. This guy is a complete a22hole!! Wow!! Can you really have this guy back? I mean, do you think you can really have a healthy relationship with this cheating, lying, SOB!?!? Also the thoughts about him are uncontrollable right now, I wrote a small guide ("get over them fast") link in my signature where I address this. Check that out, that stuff really helped me out early on.
Gottabestrong Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Acheybreaky, I am so sorry to hear about your pain. He is a total a-hole and you are much better off without him. I know that does not help right now. Is there any way you cannot go on that field trip, or get him excluded from it? This is going to hurt for a while, but whatever you do, please don't forget how badly he treated you and never get back together with him. Hugs!
Author acheybreakey Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 Thanks, guys. I know he is a total *******... I just wish my heart could listen to my head. I know I will never really be happy with him because he will just cheat on me again and again. His brother recently told me that all of his relationships ended because he started seeing someone else behind his girlfriend's back and then transitioned into that new relationship. This gives me a little comfort, at least. I feel so worthless because of all that I did for him and how much I loved him, he still abandoned me when I needed him the most for somebody he barely knew. Hopefully he does the same to her... I just wish I knew how to get him out of my head. There is no way for me to get him to not come on the research excursion. I had been working on it for over a year and he just joined in at the last minute. In fact, the only reason the researcher accepted him to join was because he thought we were still dating and he needed one more assistant. I don't want to be the one that gives up this trip I've been working for for so long and I have asked him repeatedly not to come, but he tells me (rightly so) that I can't tell him what to do. So he won't drop out either... Now my only hope is to try and move on to the point where I don't feel so much pain so that I can coexist with him for those few months.
kristi628 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 It's such a hard thing to go through. Find a little comfort in the fact that I'm here going through this with you. And yes, it's difficult to remind yourself of how much better off you are only to be reminded of something and start feeling awful again. I am living in our apt that we shared together for almost a year, and I have to look and sit on his furniture every day. Sleep in our bed while he is sharing a bed with someone else. It's awful. And there's not a minute that goes by in the day that I dont think about him or wonder if I even cross his mind. But I'm slowly starting to believe that it all doesn't matter. We did nothing wrong to these men and still they treated us poorly. That's not what love is. And trust me, to think that he never loved me in the first place is heart breaking. But he doesn't a deserve any other excuses. We both deserve better and I believe we will find it. In the mean time, we have each other.
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