Trying to understand wife relationships with male superiors at work

[roadglide]

My wife has had two male superiors at her work. She was not a direct report but one or two levels down. However, she developed a good relationship with both of them at different times. She would tell me about them and how they discussed thier families and work issues. She felt comfortable enough with both of them to go literally crying to them over co-worker issues. One was a senior manager and she would stop in and talk or go directly to him any time she felt like it. At one time she told me he was looking to place her in a postion or create a postition she was interested in. Nothing ever came of that. The other manager was a great guy as she told me he even had a bar built by his pool. I was nver sure why i needed to know this. We saw the senior manager Christmas shopping and she said there is Sam heading into the store we were leaving with his wife. I said aren't you going to say hello? She said no i don't like him. Well now she dislikes both of these guys and not just a little bit. Is this normal woman at work behavior? Why do these guys go from great guys to A*&*s? thanks for reading

[roadglide]

She couldn't talk to Sam because his wife was with him.

 

Sam doesn't want his wife to know about your wife because Sam is banging your wife.

 

So's the other guy at her work too, probably.

 

Mabye both at the same time.

 

Thanks for the helpful input DuckSoup I guess it explains why you are on this forum.

[mammasita]

That doesn't seem "normal" to me, it's not very transparent.

 

I have many male superiors at work both my direct manager and others. We do discuss our families and how things are, but i would never break the chain of command by going directly to an executive, no matter how "cool" we were. That's a question of ethics IMO.

 

Your wife's beavior is questionable.

[whichwayisup]

I think you need to ask her to tell you what happened and to tell you the truth, no matter what, even if it hurts you. Something obviously did happen. Maybe not totally cheating, but could be totally inappropriate conversations, flirting and crossing the lines (meaning, things she wouldn't feel comfortable about if you found out and you got hurt or mad), hugging, cuddling maybe even a kiss or grope.

 

The above poster's words have come off harshly, but the fact is, what she told you has made you suspicious that something isn't right.. Enough that you're posting about it.

[roadglide]

I wish it were that simple. She will tell me that it is my issue that she has done nothing wrong.

We are in counseling because of an issue after drinking one night a year ago. She had an after work drink get together t and i was invited i arrive and see her and a co-worker at a table each with a glass of wind and some guy i had never seen before talking. I figured he was a male coworker that i had not yet met. I came up she says hi babe and the guy just turned around and left so i asked who was that. My wife says a he bought Michy her friend a drink and relunctanly offered to one to me too. Well the rest of the night her friend Michy keeps telling me over and over that the guy bought eher the drink, I mean at least 10 times and the last time right before she left the bar. It didn't bother me until that point it was ok a forgot about it two hours ago so why do you keep on? That was not what we argued abou that evening.

[roadglide]

Thanks DuckSoup i think what stings is the possiblity you are right.

[Cutiepie1976]

Here are my thoughts. FWIW, I'm a senior executive, although I've never been involved in an affair of any sorts. That being said, I've observed quite a few in the workplace.

 

My wife has had two male superiors at her work. She was not a direct report but one or two levels down. However, she developed a good relationship with both of them at different times. (NORMAL) She would tell me about them and how they discussed thier families and work issues.(DEPENDS ON TYPES OF DETAILS SHARED) She felt comfortable enough with both of them to go literally crying to them over co-worker issues.(FLAMING RED FLAG. If it were a purely professional relationship, she would be on her best behavior trying to impress, not putting on displays of uncontrollable emotional instability!) One was a senior manager and she would stop in and talk or go directly to him any time she felt like it.(AMBITIOUS EMPLOYEES ALL DO THIS) At one time she told me he was looking to place her in a postion or create a postition she was interested in. Nothing ever came of that. The other manager was a great guy as she told me he even had a bar built by his pool.(AFFAIR!! Common to host a work holiday party at your house, but spouses are always invited! How does she know details about his house that you don't?) I was nver sure why i needed to know this. We saw the senior manager Christmas shopping and she said there is Sam heading into the store we were leaving with his wife. I said aren't you going to say hello? She said no i don't like him.(AFFAIR until proven otherwise)Well now she dislikes both of these guys and not just a little bit.(HAPPENS) Is this normal woman at work behavior? Why do these guys go from great guys to A*&*s? thanks for reading

 

Your wife has most likely had dalliances with both men at some point. Unclear what her motivations were, but at a minimum, she expected job promotions in exchange for whatever favors she was providing, and those didn't materialize. She may be a serial cheater, especially given the excessive explanation about Michy.

 

Cheaters either try to hide things (possibly why she couldn't greet this manager in front of his wife) or carry most of it out in plain sight to limit suspicion and allay any fears a spouse may have about the unusual amount of time being spent with a particular person. Your wife seems to favor the latter approach.

 

Sorry you are facing this behavior...

[roadglide]

Thanks CutiPie me too i am so confused. We are in counseling as I mentioned and i had hoped some truth would come out bu it seems the couselor is perfrctly happy accepting my wifes explanations for such incidents listed above. One such incident was a time i was supposed to be out riding my motorcyle for the entire day but the event was canceled so i came home. She was furious with me and so angry all day even going to the berdroom and locking herself in there. I asked why she was so upset she said no reason. I really wanted an answer to this so i brought it up in couseling my wife response "I don' remember" the counselor tells me she doesn't remember. Thats that. Is that resonable can you be so angry you can barely speak and then not remember why? If there was soemting going on i am fully prepared to forgive her and work on our marriage but the questions unanswered are driving me crazy.

[Bryanp]

I think you now realize that something is terribly wrong. Based on her actions there is a very high possibility that she has been engaging in affairs. It seems the counseling is going nowhere. I would strongly suggest paying $400 to $500 on a polygraph. I would seriously consider getting tested for STD's. Will she be mad at the request - absolutely but at least you will be getting at the truth. Her actions especially in your last post shows that she has very little respect for you or your feelings. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I am fearful that you are being played and I think down deep you know this. Good luck.

[Cutiepie1976]

Thanks CutiPie me too i am so confused. We are in counseling as I mentioned and i had hoped some truth would come out bu it seems the couselor is perfrctly happy accepting my wifes explanations for such incidents listed above. One such incident was a time i was supposed to be out riding my motorcyle for the entire day but the event was canceled so i came home. She was furious with me and so angry all day even going to the berdroom and locking herself in there. I asked why she was so upset she said no reason. I really wanted an answer to this so i brought it up in couseling my wife response "I don' remember" the counselor tells me she doesn't remember. Thats that. Is that resonable can you be so angry you can barely speak and then not remember why? If there was soemting going on i am fully prepared to forgive her and work on our marriage but the questions unanswered are driving me crazy.

 

If your marriage counselor encourages rug sweeping, sounds like you really need a new counselor! As with anything else, some are far better than others.

 

Obviously, speculation on my part, but given everything else, I suspect she had a rendezvous planned when your bike trip was cancelled. Locking herself up could have given her cover to get away from you and communicate with someone else, to not have to answer difficult questions if you saw or noticed something...who knows, even to keep you focused on a locked door while someone snuck out a window or back door. It was a distraction. Your spouse should be thrilled if you're suddenly available to spend time, especially if she had nothing planned.

 

It's concerning that she's not being forthcoming and completely truthful. Doesn't seem like a very promising sign if she's still trying to hide things, although honestly, I have no experience in dealing with infidelity. This forum if filled with posters who can help you on that front.

 

All the best!