confusedcalamity Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 I have been married to my husband for 8 years. He has expressed many times that he wants to have sex with other women but only if I am involved. Honestly I dont know what to do. I love my husband and know that most men do cheat behind their wives back. He is being open and honest with me about his desires. However lately it seems that its not happening fast enough for him and he is getting impatient. We are on a few sites and have web camed with another woman and couple, he says to help make me more comfortable. It seems to be all about sex for him, that he wants to please other women as well. Wants to share himself. However I can not do the same with another man. Hell I dont want to. He has different women that text him as friends. He is on a site that he looks at girls photos all day, chats and flirts. However I am a part of this somewhat. They all know he is married and think we have an open relationship. It is just so overwhelming for me. I dont think he would leave me for another woman but cant get over the fact that my husband would be sharing himself and me with another. He calls me a liar and that I am stringing him along because I tell him I will try to do this with him and be a part of it. I want to keep my husband but dont know if I can watch him sleep with another right in front of me.We have two kids and he is even ok with bringing her in out home. He says I knew all of this when we married but he also knew I did not what to share him. Should I feel guilty for trying to do this for him and not being able to? Am I stringing him along? Should I do it a couple of times to see if it fulfills his needs or just get out of this relationship? Help me please just want some feedback ...
KathyM Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 If you knew he was not interested in monogamy before you married him, why did you marry him expecting him to be monogamous? Now you feel pressured to participate in a lifestyle and open marriage that you never wanted to begin with. I think it's time to be honest with yourself and realize you are both not compatible on this and part ways. You will not be happy sharing him if you are not into that, and you certainly won't be happy having sex with others if you are only interested in having sex with your husband. Time to come to grips with the reality that you are not a match with him on this one very important thing. The desire to be monogamous. Time to let him go to live the lifestyle he seems to have always wanted, so that you can have the opportunity to find a man who is interested in a committed, monogamous relationship. Trying to change for him and trying to get him to change for you is not realistic, and not likely to be successful. 2
Author confusedcalamity Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 When I married him I knew that like most other men he had the fantasy of being with two women. I did not know that it was as serious as it is. It did not get this way but in the past 3 years. We live with his family at this moment because he had 2 DUIs and are in a financial mess. I think because so many things are going wrong in his life he is looking for an escape and release. 1
KathyM Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 When I married him I knew that like most other men he had the fantasy of being with two women. I did not know that it was as serious as it is. It did not get this way but in the past 3 years. We live with his family at this moment because he had 2 DUIs and are in a financial mess. I think because so many things are going wrong in his life he is looking for an escape and release. Don't feel pressured into engaging in sex with others because he is expecting you to do that. But understand that he has chosen to do that, and you have the option of accepting him doing that or not. IMO, you'd be a fool to go along with him screwing others. It undermines your love and intimacy with him. I think you need to be honest with him and tell him you can no longer go along with his expectations of sex with others, and perhaps it's time to think about your long-term compatibility, given your differences on this. 2
Author confusedcalamity Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 When I married him I knew that like most other men he had the fantasy of being with other women and two women at the same time. I did not know that it was as serious as it is. We have been through so much and have two kids together. I do understand what you are saying and have thought about this often. He has had many partners and has been with two women before. Why did he marry me knowing I was not into this? Why did he have kids with me knowing I did not want to share him with others? I guess we are both to blame, but blame isnt going to fix anything. It is a shame two people who love each other so much and communicate so well cant make it. 1
KathyM Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 When I married him I knew that like most other men he had the fantasy of being with other women and two women at the same time. I did not know that it was as serious as it is. We have been through so much and have two kids together. I do understand what you are saying and have thought about this often. He has had many partners and has been with two women before. Why did he marry me knowing I was not into this? Why did he have kids with me knowing I did not want to share him with others? I guess we are both to blame, but blame isnt going to fix anything. It is a shame two people who love each other so much and communicate so well cant make it. Perhaps he thought he could talk you into it eventually, which was, of course, not fair to you if he married you under the pretense that your relationship would be monogamous. Perhaps it was just a fantasy at the time he married you, and he has now decided he wants it to be a reality. At least he isn't hiding his activities from you and is open about it now. But, as I said, you would be a fool for accepting this behavior from him, and I'd suggest you tell him you can't go along with this any longer, and maybe it's time you separated, since you have a very different idea of what you want in your marriage. 1
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 I have been married to my husband for 8 years. He has expressed many times that he wants to have sex with other women but only if I am involved. Honestly I dont know what to do. I love my husband and know that most men do cheat behind their wives back. He is being open and honest with me about his desires. However lately it seems that its not happening fast enough for him and he is getting impatient. We are on a few sites and have web camed with another woman and couple, he says to help make me more comfortable. It seems to be all about sex for him, that he wants to please other women as well. Wants to share himself. However I can not do the same with another man. Hell I dont want to. He has different women that text him as friends. He is on a site that he looks at girls photos all day, chats and flirts. However I am a part of this somewhat. They all know he is married and think we have an open relationship. It is just so overwhelming for me. I dont think he would leave me for another woman but cant get over the fact that my husband would be sharing himself and me with another. He calls me a liar and that I am stringing him along because I tell him I will try to do this with him and be a part of it. I want to keep my husband but dont know if I can watch him sleep with another right in front of me.We have two kids and he is even ok with bringing her in out home. He says I knew all of this when we married but he also knew I did not what to share him. Should I feel guilty for trying to do this for him and not being able to? Am I stringing him along? Should I do it a couple of times to see if it fulfills his needs or just get out of this relationship? Help me please just want some feedback ... Reality is, he wants to have sex with other women and I hate to say this, he's going to do just that, whether you are in on it or not. You don't want to share him, rightfully so. You're in a tough position, and it may come down to what is more important. Keeping him happy (aka allowing him to have sex with others with or without you there), staying married for the sake of keeping your family intact or divorcing. Some people are okay with open marriages and 3 some's,orgies and couple swingings and get used to that lifestyle. Many others can't. Seems you can't and you shouldn't feel bad for feeling that way. This is also is YOUR sexual health at risk. Just really hope he hasn't gone behind your back and slept with other women.
Nightsky Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 I have been married to my husband for 8 years. He has expressed many times that he wants to have sex with other women but only if I am involved. Honestly I dont know what to do. I love my husband and know that most men do cheat behind their wives back. Well I would evaulate your sentiment that most men cheat? I mean do you feel the same way about women? Why men? If you feel this way you should suspect that your husband is likely already cheating. You say you don't know what to do, but it sounds obvious you don't want a threesome. He is being open and honest with me about his desires. However lately it seems that its not happening fast enough for him and he is getting impatient. We are on a few sites and have web camed with another woman and couple' date=' he says to help make me more comfortable. It seems to be all about sex for him, that he wants to please other women as well. Wants to share himself. However I can not do the same with another man. Hell I dont want to. He has different women that text him as friends. He is on a site that he looks at girls photos all day, chats and flirts. However I am a part of this somewhat. They all know he is married and think we have an open relationship. It is just so overwhelming for me. I dont think he would leave me for another woman but cant get over the fact that my husband would be sharing himself and me with another. He calls me a liar and that I am stringing him along because I tell him I will try to do this with him and be a part of it. I want to keep my husband but dont know if I can watch him sleep with another right in front of me.We have two kids and he is even ok with bringing her in out home. He says I knew all of this when we married but he also knew I did not what to share him. Should I feel guilty for trying to do this for him and not being able to? Am I stringing him along? Should I do it a couple of times to see if it fulfills his needs or just get out of this relationship? Help me please just want some feedback ... [/quote'] why don't you speak up for yourself. You know what you want. No one has to be the bad guy. Here I'll role play for you. You: I don't want to share you with any one and I can't take you going online or talking to any one as if we were in an open relationship. Him: You knew what you were getting into, I've been honest, you said you would do all this. You: I know what I said but I can't. You need to stop now. For me and the kids. Him: I won't stop, you're ruining our marriage. You: I want a divorce. Hopefully he'll just back down and be happy with the one on one relationship you want but something tells me he won't. I mean your only other option is to continue going along with this and acting timid and being really unhappy. 2
TaraMaiden Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 .......... Should I do it a couple of times to see if it fulfills his needs or just get out of this relationship? Help me please just want some feedback ... Never, ever, EVER do anything with another person that compromises your dignity, will, emotional input or personal safety, simply because they either want you to, or you feel you need to please them. Never. EVER. Period. You will live to regret - and resent - it for the remainder of your days, and it will shatter what any real affection remains. Don't do this, don't be talked into it, do not compromise, agree or consent. 7
pteromom Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Never, ever, EVER do anything with another person that compromises your dignity, will, emotional input or personal safety, simply because they either want you to, or you feel you need to please them. Never. EVER. Period. You will live to regret - and resent - it for the remainder of your days, and it will shatter what any real affection remains. Don't do this, don't be talked into it, do not compromise, agree or consent. This. Do not sell out your own integrity in a desperate attempt to hold onto a relationship. Tell him you have no interest in sleeping with another woman. Tell him that you expect a monogamous relationship. If he is not willing to give that to you, you need to work on moving on. 4
GorillaTheater Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 I love my husband and know that most men do cheat behind their wives back. When I married him I knew that like most other men he had the fantasy of being with two women. When I married him I knew that like most other men he had the fantasy of being with other women and two women at the same time. I think you keep repeating this sort of thing in an effort to defend your husband and/or rationalize what he's doing. The fact is that most men don't cheat (although many men do, with women hot on their heals statistically speaking), and while I can't speak for other men, my fantasies don't include bringing another person into our bed. I don't share. Stop trying to rationalize where he's coming from. If this is not for you, don't do it. You're worth more. 5
TaraMaiden Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 I have to agree with GorillaTheater... my H. would also find the idea of bringing a third party "to the table" both distasteful and unthinkable. Furthermore he is most definitely not cheating material. I could accuse him of much, but that one simply doesn't even figure in the line-up.... And as a final coup de grace to your argument, he has no porn of any kind, either in the form of Computer sites or magazines, DVD's films, downloads or literature. Nothing. Nada. I will grant you that it seems the majority of threads on here discussing threesomes, have been posted by women, who feel pressured by their male partners - but it's not an exclusive male domain, and it's certainly not universally condemned by women. So generalisations are more often than not, inaccurate. This is a problem your husband has placed at your feet. We can't 'desensitize' the issue by making it one that is generally prevalent. That said, my advice still stands. Say no, mean it, stick to your guns and tell him the moment he decides to put any plan of his into action, he can consider your marriage over. And quit being his 'yes-woman'. If you have tacitly allowed other women to believe your marriage is an open one, start nipping that impression in the bud, right now.... 5
MyEvilTwin Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 (edited) Yuck. I had someone like that at one time. Tried to talk me into it. Listen, whenever a man is bulldozing over your womanhood trying to force you to do something you don't want to, then you had better put on your big girl pants and tell hiim NO! He's practically trying to guilt you into this. How...disgusting. Furthermore, the man sounds alcoholic. He is so immeshed in fantasy life because he isn't grounded at all. 2 DUI's? He's outta control! He has no sense of reality. He lives in a fantasyland of his alcoholic making. Probably a "sexual Legend" in his own mind too. Just wait until DUI #3 when they take away his driver's license and then he is begging you to take him everywhere...hon, do you know what an enabler is? You might want to read up on alcoholism and enablers. Alcoholics are extremely selfish people because they are living in a pickled brain. time to STAND UP FOR YOURSELF! Also, you need to read up on setting healthy boundaries for yourself. That is how you stop letting him bulldoze over you, and that is how you stand up for yourself and never do anything that you will cringe about in years to come. It will never be worth it... Start putting you and those kids first. Take care of YOU, your needs, your wants, and those kids. Don't even bother screwing him...unless it is in court. Edited December 13, 2012 by MyEvilTwin more ideas! 2
Yasuandio Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Here's an idea. Have you considered presenting him with the opposite scenerio?
Tiberius Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Tell him to go ahead as long as it isnt a prostitute. Bet he wont get any. 1
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