ComingInHot Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I'm concerned about his comment, "I have choices too" . Number one, DUH! Of course he has choices. He Chose to engage in not one BUT TWO affairs. Number two, that comment sounds like a manipulative tactic w/the undertone of a threat that if you "tarnish his rep" anymore, he'll Choose to leave you... not cool. Is there a reason he is not wanting you you "out" the second OW? Is she special? Is it the reputation he thinks he still has? Both are red flags to me. I'm not telling you what to do. I don't know your history, your dependancy on him or anything but it sounds like your marriage has been pretty tumultuous on both your parts. But pain is pain regardless and I'm glad your here for support. Oh ya advise... question everything. I just learned that myself* 1
Author beeturner Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 not sure if he meant he'd tell my employer (which would be fine with me) or leave me.... OW#2 is high up at the hospital. The board members would probably be informed, and those are some of the people in the community he works with.. I guess actions do have consequences. I'm living them... I doubt I would be here if I hadn't done it first. But, MC says we need to protect each other. and I guess that means protecting his job/reputation.. this would add more drama to our lives if I told. if I never see her (she's in the paper occasionally) or in person I'll be ok. As a special note - I go to IC in the same building where she works.... its all kinds of fun.
nofool4u Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 my husband has two OW and we live in the same town as them. He occasionally may see them and I have seen them a couple of times. I hate this.. other than moving, what is the answer here? Divorce. He is remorseful and we are trying to heal but things would be a lot better if I didn't have to worry about running into them. Thing is, as if one OW isn't bad enough, he has 2. This says that he likes going out and having sex with other women. Even if he never physically ever does it again, the desire to do so will still be there, and he would LOVE the chance to do it again, he just refrains out of fear of what he will lose. Is that ok with you? Can you handle having a husband that would really like to hump a neighborhood gal? I'm not saying this to get you riled up or hurt you, but this is the truth of it all. You simply have a guy that is suppressing his desire to ACTUALLY have sex with other women. If that is ok with you, then yes, the only option would be to move. 1
Author beeturner Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 he didn't have sex with these women. I'm guessing I caught him in time, although I don't know if he would have gone through with it. What makes you say he's itching to do it again? I did have sex and I'm not interested in having sex with another man...
stillafool Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 If it was a revenge affair then I'm married to a man who punishes me. I also confessed. I had him followed for two hours out of the million we'd Been married and I saw him on top of another woman. I think he is done acting Out... I am not angry with his affair partners as much as I Am with him. I justwant them GONE!! You can run those two women out of town but what will you do about the rest of the women left there. Your husband is a serial cheater. The fact that he would use your rape as an excuse to cheat is beyond cruel. I hate to say this but he more than likely will cheat again. Then what? It isn't the women you need to dispose of it is your husband. I agree with the others FIRE that counselor as he has no idea what he is talking about. Is he by chance a friend or associate of your husbands?
Author beeturner Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 how do I know he's a serial cheater? it was an affair and a rape he was so hurt from... he didn't deal with it - he acted out. So, you're saying he'll do this forever? He's been very transparent. Our MC is not an associate of my husband's.
stillafool Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 He's a serial cheater because he has cheated on you multiple times. He is not "acting out" he is cheating because he likes it. Something is missing from your marriage that he uses as an excuse to cheat. He will cheat again because it seems he has a sense of entitlement. You should be more worried about getting to the root of your problems in the marriage than worrying about these OW. It doesn't matter if they move away or not, if your husband wants to see them again it would be easier for him if they lived away from your town. He would be more relaxed and wouldn't have to worry about running into anyone he knows, especially you.
Author beeturner Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 ok, well what the heck is the "root of our problem?" that I cheated and it was a dealbreaker for him but he's using the cowardly way to get out of this? multiple times? it was twice... he is embarrassed that he did this and feels awful that he hurt me. Do any of you others reading this feel the same way stillafool feels?
stillafool Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 No, didn't he cheat first and you had a revenge affair, got raped and he used that as an excuse to cheat again? Am I missing something? The 'root of the problem' would be finding out the real reason your H cheats with other women. You can't worry about OW being attracted to and going after your H. If he is attractive and successful he will face OW every day but he has to know how to set boundaries. If he were a younger man I might think you had a chance but he sounds like an old dog who can't learn new tricks.
Author beeturner Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 I cheated... 1.5 years later I was raped. 6 months later I caught him in first affair. three months later I caught him in 2nd affair. He had never done that before and I believe him.... never had any problems before I cheated.
Gagirl Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 I think you're going to have to move. Going after these women's employment is only going to embarrass you and make you look bad. Those people are going to look at you like you are some sort of head case and they are NOT going to fire a good employee and go through the dreadful hiring process based on allegations. I seriously doubt that these women want to rekindle anything with your player husband. They probably don't like running into him either. My SIL called my employer one time and told them that I was bad parent. I told my boss she was crazy, on meds, and did stuff like this all the time. We had a good laugh at her expense and I was promoted a year later. Her attempts to get me fired failed miserably. I have rubbed in her face on several occasions. Just let dog lie and move on.
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