beeturner Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 my husband has two OW and we live in the same town as them. He occasionally may see them and I have seen them a couple of times. I hate this.. other than moving, what is the answer here? He is remorseful and we are trying to heal but things would be a lot better if I didn't have to worry about running into them.
Artie Lang Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 have you exposed this to OW's respective spouses? is there a clear path for reconciliation- NC, counseling, him doing the heavy lifting? don't just rush it. he needs to bear some consequences. DO NOT RUGSWEEP.
Author beeturner Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 yes, we exposed to all, including OW #1 employer. I'd like to let the employer of OW#2 know but my husband doesn't want that to happen. He is well known in the business world in our city and wants this to be our private business as more people would find out. we are going to counseling.. our marital counselor said after a while it won't bother me... I'm not so sure.
Artie Lang Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 the thing is, why expose OW#1 and not OW#2? seems unfair; not that affairs ever are. furthermore, your husband doesn't get to dictate exposure. this is what's known as consequences for ones actions. your counselor sounds like he/she wants you to do a bit of rugsweeping. you'll NEVER truly get over it.....only learn how to cope with it. 3
Furious Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 yes, we exposed to all, including OW #1 employer. I'd like to let the employer of OW#2 know but my husband doesn't want that to happen. He is well known in the business world in our city and wants this to be our private business as more people would find out. we are going to counseling.. our marital counselor said after a while it won't bother me... I'm not so sure. I would fire your marriage counselor and get one that wouldn't give you such awful advice. Your husband is a serial cheater, and now he worries about what people will think if you expose OW#2. What have you done for yourself, have you spoken to a lawyer, have you gotten your ducks in order, have you've gone to individual counseling. Are you sure you even want to give your husband another chance?
Author beeturner Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 when I exposed to the first woman's employer she went to the police and threatened harrassment charges. My husband doesn't want this to happen again... also, the only reason for exposing her would be so that she would be potentially fired and leave town.... is that revenge? I'd like to do it simply as a gift to myself to make my life safer.. When hubby and I were in conversation about this he said, "it's your choice, do what you need to do." and then he said, "but I have choices too."
Furious Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 when I exposed to the first woman's employer she went to the police and threatened harrassment charges. My husband doesn't want this to happen again... also, the only reason for exposing her would be so that she would be potentially fired and leave town.... is that revenge? I'd like to do it simply as a gift to myself to make my life safer.. When hubby and I were in conversation about this he said, "it's your choice, do what you need to do." and then he said, "but I have choices too." Are you afraid of the OW, what do you mean by needing to feel safer?
Author beeturner Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 I'm in IC myself....my husband is a serial cheater? I just don't know about this... I was raped and he just couldn't handle it. He had these affairs 2 months apart. I caught him both times. I hired a PI. How will I EVER know if that all the women there are? HE is very remorseful and I think done acting out but I don't know if I have all the info... he also asks why tell their employers but not his?? aren't I hypocritical for doing this?
Author beeturner Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 Are you afraid of the OW, what do you mean by needing to feel safer? I'm not afraid of them. I just want to be able to go about my life and not see them - or be reminded of what happened... or be nervous that they'll take up again...
Artie Lang Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 look.....people expose for different reasons. the the most important being that affairs thrive in secrecy. by exposing you have a better chance of "killing" the fantasy of the affair; bringing the participants back to reality. secondly, you get an extra pair of eyes- namely the other betrayed spouse -to help keep NC. lastly, their spouses deserve to know the truth concerning the truth: wouldn't you like to be informed? at this point, the only real choice your husband has is "do i(him) or do i not want my marriage? that's the only choice he gets at this point. don't let him manipulate you. this woman cannot file harassment charges because you are only informing people of the situation. if you were to push it and keep goading her, then i could see harassment. do these women work with your husband?
Furious Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 I'm in IC myself....my husband is a serial cheater? I just don't know about this... I was raped and he just couldn't handle it. He had these affairs 2 months apart. I caught him both times. I hired a PI. How will I EVER know if that all the women there are? HE is very remorseful and I think done acting out but I don't know if I have all the info... he also asks why tell their employers but not his?? aren't I hypocritical for doing this? I'm so sorry for what happened to you. Then, having to deal with two affairs. It doesn't make sense, how could your husband react to your rape by cheating on you. Does he blame for what happened?
Author beeturner Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 Artie - we've told both spouses the day after I caught him.... they don't work together, but they met at business events. He hasn't seen them at any business events but he has cut those down a lot. One woman works two blocks away from him. This also drives me crazy but I really don't think anything is going on... It's a respect thing, ya know?! Well, the police told me to back off, that was after I called her Mom and brother too...
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 I'm not afraid of them. I just want to be able to go about my life and not see them - or be reminded of what happened... or be nervous that they'll take up again... All good reasons to tell. Very good. It worked for me. When I told the MM's wife what he had done with my WS the MM went NC. In the months since then my WS has had time to reflect and get distance from the AP. Without that time apart and with no contact with the MM she would likely still be villainizing me and blame shifting. So if you think the OW #2 would be fired and/or leave town then you certainly should take action to make that happen. If you want to reconcile with your WS.
Author beeturner Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 well, I told the first employer and she didn't get fired.. also, in disclosure, I also had an affair 2 years before this all happened and I told my husband everything. He didn't tell my employer, although he wished he would have... he doesn't say these are revenge affairs, but he was hurting and vulnerable.
Summer Breeze Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 All good reasons to tell. Very good. It worked for me. When I told the MM's wife what he had done with my WS the MM went NC. In the months since then my WS has had time to reflect and get distance from the AP. Without that time apart and with no contact with the MM she would likely still be villainizing me and blame shifting. So if you think the OW #2 would be fired and/or leave town then you certainly should take action to make that happen. If you want to reconcile with your WS. OP I do think it's hypocritical that it's fine for her to get sacked and not him. If you do expose be prepared. She may return the favor and expose your H. This may not give you the result Can't suggests.
Summer Breeze Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 well, I told the first employer and she didn't get fired.. also, in disclosure, I also had an affair 2 years before this all happened and I told my husband everything. He didn't tell my employer, although he wished he would have... he doesn't say these are revenge affairs, but he was hurting and vulnerable. Are you still using the same MC you were after you had your A? I'd definitely be firing him/her.
Artie Lang Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 well, i think you've done all you can as far as exposure is concerned. you've informed the proper people. don't go getting a RO put on you. keep up with counseling. NC is a must. do you have access to ALL his communications, passwords, details of his whereabouts? you actually did good all by yourself. good show.
Author beeturner Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 yes after the 2nd affair he gave me his phone and said get me a new one, and you be the administrator... open everything... he said he was sick of all of it. I really feel connected to him... it's just that I want my life back... no, using different counselor now... he has given us examples of clients of his not being as affected by seeing the affair partner as time goes by. Thing is, I have two of them to contend with... I feel like this is my karma for what I did...
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 yes, we exposed to all, including OW #1 employer. I'd like to let the employer of OW#2 know but my husband doesn't want that to happen. He is well known in the business world in our city and wants this to be our private business as more people would find out. we are going to counseling.. our marital counselor said after a while it won't bother me... I'm not so sure. It's one thing to forgive one affair, have a remorseful spouse, and fix your marriage by doing counseling..it's whole other ball game after a 2nd affair. Or did you find out about the affairs at the same time or were there D-days (discovery days of the affair) between the two? Bolded part - He doesn't want the public embarressment, the shame and fallout of his selfish choices of his actions to be known. Well, nobody put a gun to his head to go and cheat .. Twice! He did that all on his own. He never should have put himself IN those situations aka having affairs then he wouldn't have to worry about his 'reputation.' Right?
veryhappy Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 The answer is for you to move mentally and not care if you run into them or not. Give it time. Given they had only 2 months of spacing in between, they, the particular women do not matter. You are better off directing your anger at your H and understand why he did that and if he can be faithful to you. It's normal to be angry at the OW and want them out of your life, but they don't seem to intrude in your life. 1
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 yes after the 2nd affair he gave me his phone and said get me a new one, and you be the administrator... open everything... he said he was sick of all of it. I really feel connected to him... it's just that I want my life back... no, using different counselor now... he has given us examples of clients of his not being as affected by seeing the affair partner as time goes by. Thing is, I have two of them to contend with... I feel like this is my karma for what I did... Okay, you answered some of my questions while I posting.. Your life will never be the same. If you and your husband truly are willing to work through this, then maybe it is time for you two to move and start over fresh somewhere else. Your marriage has to change.. Affair proof your marriage and each of you continue to do counseling together and on your own to fix what is broken inside of you both.
Artie Lang Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 did you guys enter into counseling after your own affair? he might not want to admit it, but it does sound like his were out of revenge. maybe unresolved issues.
veryhappy Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 I feel like this is my karma for what I did... Or just a symptom that your M was not working for both of you.
Author beeturner Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 If it was a revenge affair then I'm married to a man who punishes me. I also confessed. I had him followed for two hours out of the million we'd Been married and I saw him on top of another woman. I think he is done acting Out... I am not angry with his affair partners as much as I Am with him. I justwant them GONE!!
Spark1111 Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 I understand the potential humiliation in bumping into these women about town, but as the unsuspecting spouse, you truly were the victim here so don't forget that! Your instincts were right on to hire a PI and get the result you did, so trust your gut in the future. Hold your head high and don't hide or avoid situations that they may be at. In time, it WILL pass. Meanwhile, fake it until you make it! 1
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