angelbabyy Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 My ex, Matt, and I broke up two years ago. I am the one who broke it off. We had gotten along fine and even talked about getting married someday... till the last few months of our relationship, we seemed to grow apart. So I ended it, and I started dating someone else. The breakup was really rough on Matt, as I don't think he saw it coming. And he didn't start dating for a little while or even talking to anyone. Matt and I have still kept in contact this whole time. I am dating someone else and he is as well. We are/were still good friends. We don't talk as much as we used to but I still occasionally hear from him. I was happy that he seemed to have moved on, as I thought I had too. But recently, we started talking more, and I've started to notice the old feelings for him come back. I went back and forth in my mind of whether to confess my feelings to him or not, and finally I caved and told him the truth through a text. It turns out he said he still misses me too, but that our breakup hurt him too badly and he can't risk going through something like that again. After telling me all this, I haven't really heard anything else from him since. He hasn't called or texted me. I tried to message him once, but I haven't gotten a reply. It's been days and he hasn't said anything to me. I'm worried that I ruined what friendship we left by telling him my feelings. What should I do?
jags2bowl27 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I can only reply to you with the hopes that you will realize where his head is at. I recently have gone through a break up and it has been about 4-5 months. Honestly, i understand where he is coming from. My ex tried to come back after 2 months and seeing i was beginning to see other girls... being mature i said it wasnt the right time and we decided to continue to date our other new people. I personally was crushed when the BU happened, i didnt see it coming and it was so out of the blue. The BU seriously put me into a phase that I have never experienced before, I felt lower than I have ever been and I consider myself VERY confident and outgoing. The world was over in my eyes until some time and I realized I didnt NEED this girl, i WANTED this girl but she made a big decision for herself and I accepted it. When she tried to come back, i felt the same way, I didnt want to get hurt again. I even told her i was SCARED because I am. I still to this day can not believe she is taking pictures with this other guy and its not me standing there. If she tries to come back again and I am not ready, I will do the same thing, tell her its not the time and go back into NC.... its the best way to cope with the painful thoughts. HERE IS MY SUGGESTION. I think girls in generally sometimes say things in a text or write a letter and dont really go OUT OF THEIR WAY to show what they are feeling. I would let it sit another month and try again, try again and try again but dont push it. Ask for just one meeting, he might cave in he might not. Just make sure if he does, make sure you are 100% sure he is the one because if you do this again to him, you will not only lose a great guy, you will carry guilt for a long long time. He will come around if he is ready, your patience but persistence will tell him a lot. This will be my approach with my ex for years to come. Im a stuborn son of a bit*h but id be a fool to not give someone a second chance if they earn it
CptSaveAho Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 As a guy thats been in his shoes... he told you how it is he still misses me too, but that our breakup hurt him too badly and he can't risk going through something like that again Theres nothing to read into, hes not going to take the chance of you hurting him again. I wouldnt Plus your dating someone telling your ex you still have feelings... GIGS women are the best 1
jags2bowl27 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Plus your dating someone telling your ex you still have feelings... GIGS women are the best AMEN haha i love it too
Sugarkane Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 What did you expect? You broke up with him, why would he chase you? Every dumpee is told not too on here. Since dumpees are told their psycho and crazy. Yet when dumpers contact this isn't the case?!
Author angelbabyy Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 As a guy thats been in his shoes... he told you how it is Theres nothing to read into, hes not going to take the chance of you hurting him again. I wouldnt Plus your dating someone telling your ex you still have feelings... GIGS women are the best I know it doesn't sound like the best situation. Me and my boyfriend (well now pretty much ex) did talk about it today. He's been accusing me of having feelings for this my ex for a long time. (Even when I wasn't even speaking to my ex. My boyfriend is very jealous.) I don't really know all of the abbreviations here so I don't really know what you means by "GIGS". :/ Anyway, I guess there is no chance of me and my ex getting back together because he proposed to his girlfriend. He had sent me some pretty suggestive messages and even said he missed me, but he said he was staying with his girlfriend. How can you be happy enough to marry someone, but still say you miss someone else? I know I hurt him, but how could he stand to spend his life with someone else if he says he does miss me?
Author angelbabyy Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 What did you expect? You broke up with him, why would he chase you? Every dumpee is told not too on here. Since dumpees are told their psycho and crazy. Yet when dumpers contact this isn't the case?! I didn't post here to be attacked. :/ Was just looking for advice. I know I hurt him, but I never said I thought it was crazy for either party to contact each other after a breakup. For your information, we did stay in contact after we broke up, and I did my best to be there for him even though we weren't together.
Sugarkane Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 I didn't post here to be attacked. :/ Was just looking for advice. I know I hurt him, but I never said I thought it was crazy for either party to contact each other after a breakup. For your information, we did stay in contact after we broke up, and I did my best to be there for him even though we weren't together. I'm not trying to attack you but you did end it with him, not the other way around. After being here some time I've seen there's a massive double standard when contacting an ex. Dumpers for some reason aren't called desperate and threatened with legal action.
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Hi Angelbaby! So sorry about you're breakup. I was going to suggest giving it a couple of months and then contracting him again when he was a little less upset about the break-up, but I see he's gotten engaged in your later post. I suspect your confession caused some soul searching on his part, and he opted to marry his current GF. There isn't much you can do now, except wish him well in his new life, and then try to move on with yours. Since he's getting married, it's probably best to cease all contact with him. Sorry things turned out as they did...
Droplet Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Sorry you are going through this but as a guy who is pretty much where your ex once was, I think he has pretty much told you the truth and there is nothing else to read into it. He probably wanted you back more than anything for a while, then he decided the pain outweighted the good memories and his will to fight for you and he gave up. As Tom Waits would put it "Hell can't burn me more than this" and that's really how it feels and how it probably felt for him at the time. I'm afraid you will have to give up on him and if you want to at least salvage your friendship ( ask yourself if you really want to be his friend now that you have feelings for him again ) refrain at all costs from insisting with calls and demands. Once again, really sorry that you are going through this.
Author angelbabyy Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 Hi Angelbaby! So sorry about you're breakup. I was going to suggest giving it a couple of months and then contracting him again when he was a little less upset about the break-up, but I see he's gotten engaged in your later post. I suspect your confession caused some soul searching on his part, and he opted to marry his current GF. There isn't much you can do now, except wish him well in his new life, and then try to move on with yours. Since he's getting married, it's probably best to cease all contact with him. Sorry things turned out as they did... He says he still wants to remain friends. I haven't contacted him anymore. I honestly don't know what to think of his recent engagement as he had made several comments to me that seemed to imply he was consider getting back together. His current girlfriend/fiancé is only about sixteen, I should mention, and I don't really understand what they could possibly have in common or how he even thinks she is ready for marriage or could really grasp the concept of that type of commitment at such a young and inexperienced age. He even complained about their sex life to me after he had proposed! It seems he isn't completely happy with her. I'm just going to leave it alone, and maybe someday we will cross paths down the road. At this point I'm just completely devastated that suddenly he seemed to have such a drastic change of heart.
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 I think that's the correct approach. Leave him alone, and when he does contact you, be nice and friendly. Leave it totally up to him to progress things. I'm guessing he's still very hurt and upset about the breakup, completely unsure about whether he can trust you with his heart again, and just plain confused about how to handle his feelings. He has to work through that on his own. Anything you do to plead your case will just send him fleeing at this point. Patience is key. Why did he pick a sixteen-year old? Tons of possibilities. Only he knows the true reason. I was sixteen the first time I got engaged. My then boyfriend was 21. I said yes. Why? He was an amazing boyfriend, I liked him, and I didn't want to stop dating him. I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I didn't know how to say "no." We broke up several months later. He's married to the next woman he dated. We're still friends many, many years later. If she's sixteen, my guess is, they'll be done within the year, if not months. Live your life, date others, remain friends on his terms. With patience, he may come back when he sees you moving on. If you push or actively try to get back, he'll withdraw. That's how I see things. Hope that helps.
Author angelbabyy Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 I'm not trying to attack you but you did end it with him, not the other way around. After being here some time I've seen there's a massive double standard when contacting an ex. Dumpers for some reason aren't called desperate and threatened with legal action. I understand that Sugarkane, but I have not been like that with him. And regardless of how selfish it sounds, it breaks my heart to know he doesn't feel the same way about me. But as it seems, what with how he acts, he is just afraid of being hurt and is sticking with her because she is the most stable option he sees.
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Angelbaby, Please understand that there are a lot of wounded, hurting, angry posters here. If someone lashes out at you, don't take it personally. Often it has more to do with his or her issues than with your situation. Take what you think might be helpful or relevant, and let the rest go.
Sugarkane Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 What makes a dumper actually change their mind? Love is so fickle
smokey bear Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 As a guy thats been in his shoes... he told you how it is Theres nothing to read into, hes not going to take the chance of you hurting him again. I wouldnt Plus your dating someone telling your ex you still have feelings... GIGS women are the best A chick that took 2 years xx
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