notsosuperman Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Long story short: I knew her since march, we were so good friends. We started to become more than friends mid july and she ended it mid september. She said she could not be in a relationship atm, but she did not want to lose our friendship I was really hurt, she was my first love and I had my first kiss with her. I did not beg or anything.. Just went NC. Now, almost 3 months has passed. She has reached out to me twice, to hear how I was. I replied both times. First time she told me she missed me, and I said i missed her, then no reply came back. Second time she wrote I was feeling differently, when she asked how I was doing, I just said I was doing really good. Because I did not ask how she was, I think she felt kinda offended. She wrote "Does that mean that I should just "leave you alone"? " I said that was up to her.. I tried to be as neutral as I could, and not show her any feelings. She also said that we agreed on that I should contact her, when I was ready to be friends (WTF), because she wanted the friendhip we had, back. Anyways, I know a lot of you guys says that you can't be friends with an ex. A lot says that I should stick to NC, and I understand both things, but at the same time - we were only "together" for 2 month, and were never officialy together, but I think it just got too much for her. I am not trying to make an excuse for myself to contact her, but lately I have been feeling like smeone from above, wants to show me how everybody is in contact with their ex, and presumably good friends, like I am doing something wrong. Friends on facebook, liking each others stuff, texting, meeting in person.. I am starting to feel like I am doing something wrong by not staying in contact with her.. I do miss our friendship, but I just don't think it will be the same. And at the same time, I don't wanna give her the power to control me. I honestly don't know why I feel like that.. Am I the one who is werid? What should I do? I need some thoughts and ideas so I can clear my mind and find out what I want.
na49 Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 If you still have feelings for her, you can't be her friend.
veggirl Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 first of all, you have no idea what is going on "behind the scenes" in the lives/relationships of all your friends who are supposedly BFF w/ their exes. Those relationships are likely full of drama and heartache, nothing to be jealous of, nothing to aspire to!! Second of all, if you would be fine with listening to her talk about another guy she likes / dates / whatever, then go for it and be her friend. Otherwise, you're deluding yourself thinking you would be okay w/ it..why put yourself through that if you don't have to?
Author notsosuperman Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 first of all, you have no idea what is going on "behind the scenes" in the lives/relationships of all your friends who are supposedly BFF w/ their exes. Those relationships are likely full of drama and heartache, nothing to be jealous of, nothing to aspire to!! Second of all, if you would be fine with listening to her talk about another guy she likes / dates / whatever, then go for it and be her friend. Otherwise, you're deluding yourself thinking you would be okay w/ it..why put yourself through that if you don't have to? You are definitely right, thanks. When I start thinking to much about stuff like that, I tend to judge everything on how it looks, and not what it really might be like.. Of course I don't want to hear about a new guy and something like that. That is why I deleted her from facebook etc. I just got tired of seeing everywhere, that people where talking with their ex's and I felt it put some type of pressure on me, thats why I came here.. Thanks a lot of your reply, I feel better. 1
Carenth Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 (edited) Facebook is not a indicator of reality. I have "friends" who act like they are super best friends on facebook but despise each other in reality. Lovey dovey couples who are spewing their hearts out on facebook for the world too see because their relationship needs to be validated, because in reality the passion is dead. It's pretty simple really if you have feelings for your ex, you can't be friends even if it was only two months, it will just tear you up in side. If you are truly over your ex maybe you can be friends but from what I have seen from friends of mine who try to be "friends" with exes ends up in some sort of drama bomb later down the road. I remember my exes for the good times and I've never wanted too be friends with them. I would rather keep the fond memories than have it ruined by some pseudo friendship which I feel is just a prolonged way of letting go and moving on. Edited December 10, 2012 by Carenth
itsmyfault Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 It's a tricky one really. I'd say this. If you want to be her friend, It isnt because you want her/his friendship, Its probably because you still want her/him back. Mine and my Ex's last chat was friendly, while we were having this chat I realised that being friends was never going to be enough. Since that day I have blocked her on everything, deleted all of her emails and deleted her numbers. I didn't do any of the above because I hate her, Simply because I cannot see how I will benefit from a friendship from her? I mean what does she have to offer me?
Author notsosuperman Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 (edited) You are both absolutely right, but something that slighty bugs me, is to know that I will never talk with her again because the relationship did not work out. I really don't feel like I want her back, but it is something that kinda annoys me, because I did like her, also as a friend.. But yeah, I have been thinking too, and I can't see how the friendship should benefit me - heck, when I try to think about what I should tell her, I really can't up with anything.. I just don't know what to do with all of my thoughts, since this is the first time I experience something like this. Edited December 10, 2012 by notsosuperman
na49 Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 You are both absolutely right, but something that slighty bugs me, is to know that I will never talk with her again because the relationship did not work out. I really don't feel like I want her back, but it is something that kinda annoys me, because I did like her, also as a friend.. But yeah, I have been thinking too, and I can't see how the friendship should benefit me - heck, when I try to think about what I should tell her, I really can't up with anything.. I just don't know what to do with all of my thoughts, since this is the first time I experience something like this. It is a little weird to think that someone who used to mean so much to you, is now a stranger that you'll never talk to again. but it's the reality of breakups. You shouldn't have to tell her anything, the relationship is over. Being her friend may help her move on, but it won't do anything for you. So don't do it.
Chi townD Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 People are always under the assumption that when we preach NC. We mean that you can never talk to that person EVER AGAIN. And that's not true. We use NC as a tool for us to heal from the relationship. Once you get to a point where you have no romantic feelings for her and when you think of her, you think of her with indiffences. Then, if you think you can handle a friendship, then by all means! Knock yourself out!
Author notsosuperman Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 It is a little weird to think that someone who used to mean so much to you, is now a stranger that you'll never talk to again. but it's the reality of breakups. You shouldn't have to tell her anything, the relationship is over. Being her friend may help her move on, but it won't do anything for you. So don't do it. Exactly.. You took the words out of my mouth. I have never tried to let completely go of a person who was still alive and I understand that is the circumstances of a relationship, I just need too realize that 100%. Yes I see, and I kinda don't want to give her that. I don't want to be mean or anything, but at the same time, I don't want to pretend that I am ok, so she doesn't feel guilty. People are always under the assumption that when we preach NC. We mean that you can never talk to that person EVER AGAIN. And that's not true. We use NC as a tool for us to heal from the relationship. Once you get to a point where you have no romantic feelings for her and when you think of her, you think of her with indiffences. Then, if you think you can handle a friendship, then by all means! Knock yourself out! Sorry, I was not trying to say that by NC the LS community mean you should never talk to the person again, not at all. I know what NC is about, and I have used it to heal myself and not to sit and wait 'till she contacted me. I was temped to contact her, but I did not. Whether I can be friend with her in the future or not, I really can't say. As I feel atm, it would not be a smart idea and I guess I am OK with that, it is just a little strange.
flitzanu Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 i'm very close friends with most every one of my exes. even the ones with horrible history. it takes time, and takes YOU waking up one day and realizing that you havent' even thought about that person in who knows how long. having known and dated this girl and been dumped all within like 9 months? it just sounds like she "tried you out" and decided you don't work as a couple and she's moving on. doesn't mean she hates you, just that she didn't want to date you. it's going to be up to you to decide if you can stand knowing she is dating other guys and being friends with her.
veggirl Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 You are both absolutely right, but something that slighty bugs me, is to know that I will never talk with her again because the relationship did not work out. I really don't feel like I want her back, but it is something that kinda annoys me, because I did like her, also as a friend.. But yeah, I have been thinking too, and I can't see how the friendship should benefit me - heck, when I try to think about what I should tell her, I really can't up with anything.. I just don't know what to do with all of my thoughts, since this is the first time I experience something like this. honestly, by the time you get to the point where you are at the place where you don't care who she is dating etc (and this is when you could be friends), you probably won't even want to be friends anymore. you will be indifferent to her, you just won't care. sure it feels like that's ages away now, but you will get there, we all do
Author notsosuperman Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 (edited) i'm very close friends with most every one of my exes. even the ones with horrible history. it takes time, and takes YOU waking up one day and realizing that you havent' even thought about that person in who knows how long. having known and dated this girl and been dumped all within like 9 months? it just sounds like she "tried you out" and decided you don't work as a couple and she's moving on. doesn't mean she hates you, just that she didn't want to date you. it's going to be up to you to decide if you can stand knowing she is dating other guys and being friends with her. Thanks for your reply. I can see that. And I am definitely not there yet. There has not been one single day yet where she haven't been on my mind. Of course it gets less and less, and the feelings towards it too. I don't feel like she was just trying me out, and thats really not the impression I got and what I heard. I never stated that she hates me at all, and that is not why I am afraid of and that is not what this is about. honestly, by the time you get to the point where you are at the place where you don't care who she is dating etc (and this is when you could be friends), you probably won't even want to be friends anymore. you will be indifferent to her, you just won't care. sure it feels like that's ages away now, but you will get there, we all do Yes, I have been thinking of the exact same thing - that I one day will simply not care. I just find it so weird that this speciel person who meant so much to me, isn't really that speciel and she is responsible for the neutralisation of my feelings towards her. In a weird way, I don't like to not be caring about her and her about me, but I sure do look forward to that day, where I have no feelings left.. Edited December 10, 2012 by notsosuperman
flitzanu Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 yes, she was trying you out. that's...you know, kind of what "dating" actually is. you date and see how you get along together. when it doesn't work, you split up.
Author notsosuperman Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 yes, she was trying you out. that's...you know, kind of what "dating" actually is. you date and see how you get along together. when it doesn't work, you split up. Yeah.. That makes sense.. Thanks.
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