Willingtolearn Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 I am married with 4 children in January of this year I packed a bag and left my husband and children for a man I hardly knew but seemed to be convinced that I loved,my husband and I have been together for 16 years and have had some good times and some very bad times and the bad times all seemed to happen in the past 2 years.I have a brother who has alot of emotional issues and a drink problem and i am the only one he has,on sept 7th 2009 when I was 31 wks pregnant with my fourth baby i broke into a house with my husband and found my brother in what looked like a scene from a horror movie where he had cut both wrists and was very close to death,my husband saved his life for wich i will be eternally gratefull.My son was born in 2009 he weighed nearly 11lb and has a very large birthmark on his face and from the moment he was born has been very demanding,had to breast feed him for 20 months on demand and slept on the couch for the last 2 years before I left and had very little sleep,we had a house fire when baby was 3 wks old then when he was 6 wks my husband had a heart attack and all this time I am working still trying to keep my older brother on the straight and narrow.My husband was rushed to hospital twice more and each time the fear of him dying was unbearable he also sank into a depression which often made him angry.While this is all happening am still getting no sleep,working ,running the house and seeing to the children.I met this man at work he just payed me attention was not even a nice bloke I have to say at this point that I was also on endless medication for 2 slipped discs including strong painkillers and diazepam,I just upped and left my children and husband for a man I didn't know I even told my husband I loved him! I know now I didn't love him but I can't explain to my husband why I left,he has now taken me back but all we do is argue I don't want to shift the blame for the affair as it was my fault but the guilt is eating me up and all me and my husband do is row,am feeling depressed and desperate. Thanks for reading my essay!!
TaraMaiden Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 You're both a mess. Seek serious counselling, both marriage and individual. I really think it needs sorting with professional help. As you have kids, you owe it to them to ensure they don't see your mistakes and create a pattern. 2
Author Willingtolearn Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 Many thanks for your input,it's something I have looked into and am now going to book a session,not sure if my husband will but I know I need it as have only put a few of the problems we have had on here as it would be far to much to write,I desperately want my husband and children back as we were but better but not sure if I deserve a second chance?? Have never cheated before so it's not as if it's a pattern,just don't know what to think:(
road Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Many thanks for your input,it's something I have looked into and am now going to book a session,not sure if my husband will but I know I need it as have only put a few of the problems we have had on here as it would be far to much to write,I desperately want my husband and children back as we were but better but not sure if I deserve a second chance?? Have never cheated before so it's not as if it's a pattern,just don't know what to think:( Sorry you are here but then glad you are here because now you know to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. To end an affair you must go NC, no contact with the OM. That means you send a cold to the point NC letter to the OM where you state the affair was wrong, you are sorry for the pain you caused you BH and kids, that you want to recover your marriage, and the OM is to have NC with you. Show the letter to you BH, seal the envelop, put it in your mail box. You met the OM at work and this means that you have to quit this job and find another one. Your BH will never heal knowing that you see the OM or can even bump into the OM on a daily basis. You have to be transparent to repair the trust you have broken with your BH. Let BH have access to your cell, cell bill, all passwords, take a kid when you go shopping. When you get to work call BH on a land line to let him know you are there not some where else. Call when you leave to come home. Done at 4, you get home at 5, you home at 5 proves you came straight home and could not see any OM. Blind trust will never be restored. Though you will be able to show that NC is in place. 2
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Many thanks for your input,it's something I have looked into and am now going to book a session,not sure if my husband will but I know I need it as have only put a few of the problems we have had on here as it would be far to much to write,I desperately want my husband and children back as we were but better but not sure if I deserve a second chance?? Have never cheated before so it's not as if it's a pattern,just don't know what to think:( If your H won't do counseling right now that's okay, he'll go when he feels like going but in the meantime you go on your own. You need it badly. Everybody deserves a second chance if they truly are willing to work hard and do everything necessary to make it work. That means being remorseful, and meaning it. That means being an open book so your husband can check up you anytime..You give him passwords to your email account(s), access to your cell and Do tell him if the OM contacts you. Or if you contact the OM. It takes two to fix a marriage after infidelity, but if he has a big heart and truly loves you, wants to stay with you, he'll give you that chance as long as you are willing to put in 1000 percent. 1
BetrayedH Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 (edited) In my view, it takes two things to reconcile a marriage after infidelity. (1) A truly remorseful wayward spouse and (2) A truly forgiving betrayed spouse. It can take a long time to determine if those two conditions can be met and #2 cannot come before #1. Most agree that it takes 2-5 years for a successful reconciliation to occur. You cannot control whether your husband will be truly forgiving and he can take as much time as he needs to make that decision. Infidelity may end up being a dealbreaker for him and you may need to accept the consequences of your actions. But most couples do attempt to reconcile and there are a lot of things you can do to prove that you are truly remorseful. As Road has mentioned, you must go "no contact" with the other man. That means NO contact of any kind and it means for life. A NC letter is a standard approach and it's not at all too much to expect you to quit your job. You must also come COMPLETELY CLEAN with your husband. Answer all of his questions honestly and without defensiveness. Many wayward spouses will attempt to "protect" their spouse by leaving out painful details. You MUST understand that this is a terrible mistake. The hardest thing to rebuild after an affair is trust. Every time you lie (about ANYTHING) demonstrates that you cannot be trusted to be honest with him. He will not be able to reconcile with you if he feels he can never trust you again and everytime you lie, you PROVE to him that he cannot trust you. You must be completely transparent with your life. Your life is an open book for the foreseeable future. Proactively share with him any email accounts, financial records, passwords, and so forth. Give him free reign to investigate whatever he wants, whenever he wants, in whatever way he wants, without the need of even informing you that he has done so. Hand him your phone. You must realize that everytime he investigates and finds nothing, you both win. Do this proactively and again, without defensiveness. Expect that he will suffer a rollercoaster of emotions. He may be angry as hell one minute and want to intimately bond with you the next. He cannot control the mind-racing and obsessive thinking about all of this. Support him through it. Allow him to vent. Share apologies with him frequently and keep doing it. It will matter. Get into individual counseling. Figure out "why" you had this affair. Stop "blameshifting" your affair onto your life stressors or onto your husband's flaws. Everyone has those. Your husband needs to see that you will not fall into this same pattern again when you have life stress or if he is imperfect. You had an obligation to fix your marriage (not to cheat). Not to slam you but this probably violates your own standards and caused terrible harm in the process. Why would you do that? Are you excessively conflict avoidant? Do you have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement? Do you have an excessive need for external validation? Why did you allow yourself to cheat? That internal problem needs to be addressed so that you (and your husband) can feel confident that the pattern will not repeat. Your husband also probably needs individual counseling to help him deal with the emotions that come along with this. I might refrain from marriage counseling until you have looked inward enough so that you do not "blameshift" this affair onto your husband and marital problems. Marital problems will eventually need to be addressed but if you truly want to reconcile, you need to address the nuclear bomb you dropped on your marriage first. That said, sometimes marriage counseling is the only safe place to discuss the affair and many couples benefit from MC in the early days. Regardless, you need to figure out how to discuss this without explosions (especially if you hae children around). Ask your husband to agree to some conditions: no yelling, no swearing, appropriate times, place, duration. What will truly help the most is understanding that repairing this will take your consistent actions over TIME. There is no other silver bullet. I am glad you found the strength to return home and to seek advice on what to do. Now start taking definitive actions to repair your marriage and keep doing it to give yourself the best odds of your husband finding forgiveness. Edited December 10, 2012 by BetrayedH
BetrayedH Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 I also recommend two books: Not Just Friends and How To Help My Spouse Heal From My Affair The first book is essentially the bible on infidelity but you should probably read the other one first. It is a short, simple read and will help you grt into the right mindset of what needs to be done. Dr Harley's books are also helpful but many betrayed spouses would say they put too much pressure on the betrayed spouse to address normal marital problems when the BS is in a state of shock. I've also found that the Wayward Forum on survivinginfidelity.com to be a great resource for wayward spouses trying to reconcile. You can post there and the moderators can help ensure you only get responses from other waywards until you are ready for what can be more harsh comments from betrayed spouses. All that said, I find loveshack to be THE place where you will hear some brutal honesty which you also need to digest. My best to you in restoring your marriage and family. My thinking these days is that while some "bad" people exist in the world, most waywards are not bad people but made a bad decision or decisions. The real key to healing for you and your husband depends upon what you do now. You can be a good person that made a tragic decision. 1
alexandria35 Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 How long was the affair before you left and how long did you leave for? Was it weeks or months? What happened that made you go back home? Did you leave the OM or did he leave you? How did you treat your husband and children during the affair and seperation? One thing I've learned from some friends who have been betrayed is that it's often not the cheating that hurts the betrayed spouse the most. It's the cold and callous ways that their wandering spouse treated them during the affair. They struggle to get over seeing their previously faithful trustworthy partner turn into a selfish cold person right before their eyes. Are you being 100% honest and open with your husband now? If you are sugarcoating, blameshifting or lying in any way and your husband senses this then the fighting between you will never end.
2sunny Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Are you off all the medicine? With a clear mind? And know that YOU can't do it FOR your brother - that's HIS responsibility to the the work to stay sober... Just as you need to be responsible for what YOU do.
frozensprouts Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 it sounds like you are exhausted and almost had some kind of a breakdown... it also sounds like you, as an individual, really need some counseling and some help in getting your life under control... you made a really poor choice, but that doesn't mean that you and your husband can't find your way back to each other. Even if you both really want to, it's going to take a lot of work, but it can be done. Be honest with each other, and give him the time and space he needs to decide what he wants for himself. Make sure has all the information he asks for, don't keep anything back, no matter how painful it may be for him to hear it. Allow hm time to be sad,angry, disappointed or whatever else he may feel. When he's ready, the two of you can begin the process of sorting through the mess and figuring out what it was that brought you to the point where you found cheating to be an acceptable choice. Find out where your problems are, and work together to find solutions that make sense for both of you. Marriage counseling can make a huge difference, and if the first counselor you see isn't "a good fit", try another one until you find the one that works best for you two.
aed Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Wow, this is a long laundry list of excuses you have here. It's the entire post. Please don't tell me this is what you tell your husband to justify your behavior. My past consisted of many immediate family tragedies, losses and a lot worse than your experience. And yet I didn't cheat. What work are you doing for yourself and your husband? Surely you didn't ' think everything would be a bed of roses or that your husband was going to give you a pass with all those excuses you listed? Re-read your post. It's all me, me, me. I think that is the biggest problem with most cheaters: 'It's al about me' 1
Artie Lang Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 (edited) wow, that's a lot to take in. i can see how the affair was a distraction from the mess that is your life, but you only made it that much worse. given what you've been through, reconciling will be the toughest yet. you guys need some serious counseling. Edited December 10, 2012 by Artie Lang
BetrayedH Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I agree with Alice. You listed off a bunch of things that supposedly made your marriage hard as if they were excuses to ditch your family and bang someone else. In reality those things you talked about are just life. You need to accept that there are no excuses for your actions and you acted extremely selfishly and put everything on your poor husband Yep, that, too.
2sunny Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Some cheaters leave the spouse - but rarely does one just up and leave kids! That's just unforgivable! He really should divorce you. You need serious help. Up and leaving kids scars them for life. Since you haven't answered basic questions asked previously - it appears you are still unstable. You need to get honest with yourself. Leave your H alone - you've caused enough damage. Get help.
nofool4u Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I met this man at work he just payed me attention Of course he is able to pay you attention. He doesn't have to go through the daily trials of marriage and being a parent with you. The baggage simply isn't there. Marriage is work and is not for the weak, and not for those that jump at an easy thing that makes them feel good. I just upped and left my children and husband for a man I didn't know I even told my husband I loved him! Problem is you said he isn't even nice. So what is going to happen when a guy with no baggage to you who does seem nice? That is going to be REALLY tempting to a woman like you. So I guess what is to stop you in the future if you were ready to leave your husband and kids over someone who isn't even nice? I know now I didn't love him but I can't explain to my husband why I left,he has now taken me back but all we do is argue I don't want to shift the blame for the affair as it was my fault but the guilt is eating me up and all me and my husband do is row,am feeling depressed and desperate. Thanks for reading my essay!! This will be coming from a man that was cheated on by his wife. She is now my x-wife, because honestly, there was nothing I think she could ever do for me to live in peace. But if there was anything she could do, here is what it would have taken, for someone like me anyway. 1) Quit your job. Or at the very least start putting out resumes, filling out applications and look for another job. Keep the job you have until you find something, and you don't stop looking until you find something. I don't care if you get tired of it or not. You staying at your current job in the presence of this OM is unacceptable and shouldn't be your husband's problem. 2) You would really have to be almost attached at the hip. I don't want to say that your husband needs to control your every move, because he shouldn't have to, nor should he really want to be that kind of person. But you should want to show him that things, like going to parties, social events, especially where drinking and mingling with the opposite sex is expected(i.e. bars, clubs), and other type of activities are not important to you. I imagine if I had cheated on a wife, the last thing I'd want to do is go drinking with friends and such. I wouldn't be able to do that and not feel like a heel. So question is, what are you prepared to do? Would house arrest be ok with you, at least for a good long while? Again, it depends on what YOUR husband expects of you. If he has demands, and you just don't like them, sorry to say, thats just tough, because you have given him something to haunt is thoughts from now until probably the day he dies.
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