My wife is at a crossroads, I could use an outside perspective.

[KingKO]

As for her, you need to know that women, once they reach resentment/withdrawal phase, will take MUCH longer, usually, to get back to the vulnerable love-you stage. I think it's a fear thing - fear to be hurt by you.

 

You are so right, its protecting themselves. But to be honest she shouldnt never left that love you stage.

[ch123]

Thanks for all of the input. really good stuff here. Last night we had another deep conversation about all of this. In which I finally started to demand what I need for this to work. Like usual the conversation started out rocky in then she said the usual about being overwhelmed by this and she wanted to stop for the night and discuss during couples counseling. She explains that she is really having a hard time just making it thru the day. With many episodes of emotional breakdowns along the way.

 

This time I didn't take this as ok. I told her that it has always been about her and what she is going thru. I then started to share my pain with her. Everything that is bottled up inside. Telling her that something must be done. I cannot go on with her going to work and seeing her ex. It really doesn't matter what she says about not having any contact anymore. I explained to her that I really just don't know what's going on. This is what is preventing me to forgive!

 

Surprising she grabbed my hand as we laid in bed and held it tied. Letting me spill my guts out about my pain. After I was done maybe 20 minutes or so. She then said she will work harder to sooth me and help me heal. She explained that I have been helping her heal by helping out around the house and being more involved with the kids. This working for her!

 

This morning during our commute I was quite. Thinking about leaving the her if something isn't done soon. She was completely different maybe sensing my pain? She grabbed my have again a couple of time just while making small talk. Before going off to work she then grabbed my hand and held it tight looking me into my eyes saying I Love you!

 

It's tough to completely say ok I believe you honey. We are good now and your not doing anything. But part of me is saying give her a chance to start working harder like this maybe something good will come of it.

 

I really don't want to go with the ultimatum route as of yet because I don't want Love with resentment. We both made our beds we are sleeping in now. I'm not saying it was ok for her to have the affair. It totally is not!

 

She complained about how I hurt her before I new about the affair I just got to here it more often after Dday.

 

She is struggling with fear that I will hurt her again. Her Therapist has her reading a book called The Places that Scared You by Pema Chodron. A few months ago she told me that she wasn't sure that all of my changes would stick and I would go back to the way I was after getting back together. Well now it's been 4+ months and she is believing in my changes. Says it's helping her forgive too just takes awhile.

 

We have our couples counseling Thursday. Depending on how that goes I may decide then it's time to leave. I'm afraid that my demands which will be telling ex's wife, or HR or both are going to come out as an ultimatum. Which you know I think I want now. It's either her job (him) or me...if not me I'm moving out.

 

God give me strength. Not easy when she seems to be trying like this morning.

[Holyoak]

This time I didn't take this as ok. I told her that it has always been about her and what she is going thru. I then started to share my pain with her. Everything that is bottled up inside. Telling her that something must be done. I cannot go on with her going to work and seeing her ex. It really doesn't matter what she says about not having any contact anymore. I explained to her that I really just don't know what's going on. This is what is preventing me to forgive!

 

I really don't want to go with the ultimatum route as of yet because I don't want Love with resentment.

 

It's either her job (him) or me...if not me I'm moving out.

 

You will NEVER EVEN BEGIN to see clearly what you want, as long as she has ANY contact with A-hole... Number one thing, RIGHT NOW is you flat TELL, NOT ASK your WW to quit/relocate her job to Zimbabwe, whatever so no contact of any kind is happening forever, or it's divorce, plain and simple. You moving out is meaningless to her, as it does not address the NC issue, plus NO WAY IN HELL do you move; cheaters move if anyone. I did the exact thing with my STBXWW, and as you can see, it's STB because after me telling her the same thing, she said no, and I filed for D. That made it easy, and allowed me to go from helpless, to helping myself, and not continue trying to untie a Gordian knot, even though painful and not what I wanted.

 

Her going to work everyday making any contact (that means visual too, not even a spoken word) is a complete humiliating insult to you, and CAN NOT be tolerated. Tell me true, I bet it pisses you off to have this ******* look everyday at her, and think "yeah, I had that"... Soft 2x4 here, this one aspect, not to mention many others (your emotional safety, fear of relapse by proximity, etc...) will kill you, and means flat out you tell her as you mentioned it's me, or your job, but not both, PERIOD. Her reaction will be very telling, and will give you a very accurate barometer as to where the truth lies. I would not be surprised one iota if this seemingly calm, "working on it" person suddenly needs an exorcism from rage when the **** or get off the pot proposition that YOU want is delivered with toughness.

 

I know where you are now, you fear loosing her, what you have, whatever, but as it is now, you have nothing with this women, and I said women because as it is now she is not your wife. Time to get PISSED, and either it will lead to R on your terms, or D on your terms; either way you will retain your self respect and dignity, and move forward in your life.

[turnera]

What you need is not an ultimatum. I don't know why people have to look at it that way. It is WHAT YOU NEED TO STAY IN A MARRIAGE.

 

She is FREE to NOT give you what you need. And you are free to leave her if that is her choice. Ok?

 

Right now - BECAUSE SHE CHEATED - what you need is for her to change jobs, to write a NC letter that you will approve and send, and to give you access to her phone/computer any time you ask.

 

Tell her that tonight in counseling. Tell her she is free to NOT do so. And if she chooses that, you will assume that she is placing HER needs ahead of the needs of the man she cheated on.

[ch123]

Hi Everyone,

 

I have had time to absorb everything written. You know what? I have decided to take the highroad with this issue. I do not need an ultimatum to feel good about myself. Revenge by hurting my wife is not something I can live with. A NC letter does not accomplish anything more than satisfying my need to feel safe. I don't need her to leave her job! I would rather have her deal with this face to face everyday and if they continue I will feel it anyway and will get a Divorce. Plain and simple.

 

I will take her for face value and let her actions speak for themselves. We were able to get into our couples Therapist last night instead of today. Our 1hr session turned into 2 hrs while we hashed out all of our concerns.

 

My wife is very remorseful to the extent of a nervous breakdown. She is now taking action to to reconcile. Real action! I don't want to get into all of the details but I tell you I like it.

 

She hurt me severely but I too have done my fair share of damage. This of course does not excuse her actions. But I refuse to bring myself to her level and demand she needs to leave her job to make me feel better.

 

In my opinion that is no man an man is confident in who he is and will let the cards fall the way they should. If my wife is meant to be with me then this will pass and we will reconcile. If not, then I will move on.

 

I'm watching and not taking anymore sh*t any longer. She completely understands that it is her to work harder than ever. We are about to go thru the forgiveness steps and I going to give her a chance to reconcile.

 

Thru all of this if this turns out to be a marriage that I'm not happy in I will have news for her. I will not chase her around or worry any longer about what's going on at work. This is childs play. believe me when I say I'm close to pulling the plug anyway. So she better work her but off because I will not except any less.

 

I'll keep all of you posted as time passes and thank you again. you have help sort thru my emotions.

[road]

Hi Everyone,

 

I have had time to absorb everything written. You know what? I have decided to take the highroad with this issue.

 

 

You are confusing sticking your head in the sand with taking the high road.

 

I have seen too many BH come back because they thought they can shortcut the recovery process.

 

No NC letter, no full exposure, allowing WW and OM to continue to work together, no conseqences for the OM or WW.

 

This lack of conseqences has many WW slip back into there affair ways.

 

No pain for the OM means he will let things cool down then will work to wear down your WW's defences again.

 

This is why the odds will unfortunately having you post a year or years down the road from now seeking help because WW and OM are at it again or it is WW and OM2 now.

[turnera]

Or she's pregnant.

 

Oh well, good luck. I hope it works out.

[ch123]

Hi all,

 

Well is been awhile since my last post so I wanted to update everyone on what's going on.

 

I finally exposed the affair at work last Tuesday. The OtherGuy got fired my wife gets to keep her job.

 

My wife is pissed off at me right now. I'm thinking it's a matter of time now when she tells me it's over between us. For me if this is what happens then it was never going to work out anyway. I found out the otherguy emailed her and told her that as promised he took the hit. Now she feels guilty and blames me.

 

For me Im not taking the blame. I could not live with them working together even though she was trying to get a different job within the company.

 

This may backfire on me but I feel justice has been done. There should always be consquences to your actions and I will take mine.

 

Thanks all I did listen...just wanted to give them a chance to fix it.

[Bryanp]

I think you did the proper thing. Have you:

1. Both been tested for STD's.

2. Did you expose the affair to the OM's significant other?

3. What have been the consequences to her actions?

4. Have you contacted an attorney just to understand your various options and how to protect yourself financially.

 

She seems to be saying it is all your fault for exposing her lover. This does sound like a remorseful spouse to me.

[firemanq]

your post of Dec 13 made me think you were going to go the way so many have gone, myself included. You were going to hide your head in your ass and wimp out. I congratulate you on your strength. When you doubt your actions, and you will, do a search for Owl, Ninja Husband and read there stories. Those two have been in your place and have chosen two different paths. Owl and his wife reconciled and are in a very good place now. Ninja Husband allowed his X-wife to have the power and make the decisions. He in not on a good place. Be strong and do some research here. Do not be afraid to vent here, we have been there. Our hopes and prayers are with you. Keep us informed of your actions and the results.

[Darth Vader]

Hi all,

 

Well is been awhile since my last post so I wanted to update everyone on what's going on.

 

I finally exposed the affair at work last Tuesday. The OtherGuy got fired my wife gets to keep her job.

 

My wife is pissed off at me right now. I'm thinking it's a matter of time now when she tells me it's over between us. For me if this is what happens then it was never going to work out anyway. I found out the otherguy emailed her and told her that as promised he took the hit. Now she feels guilty and blames me.

 

For me Im not taking the blame. I could not live with them working together even though she was trying to get a different job within the company.

 

This may backfire on me but I feel justice has been done. There should always be consquences to your actions and I will take mine.

 

Thanks all I did listen...just wanted to give them a chance to fix it.

 

 

She's pissed at you because she favors the OM over you, that ought to tell you something! She doesn't love you! Chances are the affair was still going on all during this time! Contact his wife and let her know about her WH and your WW screwing each other, then drop your cheating wife's ass!

 

Force that bastard to face even more consequences!

[Ninja'sHusband]

Hi all,

 

Well is been awhile since my last post so I wanted to update everyone on what's going on.

 

I finally exposed the affair at work last Tuesday. The OtherGuy got fired my wife gets to keep her job.

 

My wife is pissed off at me right now. I'm thinking it's a matter of time now when she tells me it's over between us. For me if this is what happens then it was never going to work out anyway. I found out the otherguy emailed her and told her that as promised he took the hit. Now she feels guilty and blames me.

 

For me Im not taking the blame. I could not live with them working together even though she was trying to get a different job within the company.

 

This may backfire on me but I feel justice has been done. There should always be consquences to your actions and I will take mine.

 

Thanks all I did listen...just wanted to give them a chance to fix it.

 

Glad you did this sooner than later. It's a risky thing, and a similar move on my part was the death toll for our marriage, but if she couldn't handle exposure and wanted to keep contact with the OM...I couldn't handle being married to her anyway. So good on your for standing your ground. You have to be able to maintain sanity. It would have been better if SHE had told the boss and initiated NC. Unfortunately you have to deal with the fall out now.

 

Here's my thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/314134-boundary-setting-question

 

I tried to nice her back into the marriage for ages..all I got were more lies and continued contact with the OM. Either she's going to do the right thing or not. You'll figure out if you can handle being with her anymore or not soon enough. Truth and positive action renews trust. So far I've heard a lot about what you've done to restore the marriage, which is crazy but understandable. I think a lot of guys are under pressure to fix the marriage whether it was them who cheated or not. It doesn't make any sense. She needs to reearn your trust....or it won't last.

[ch123]

The other guys wife works at the same company too so she has to find out anyway.

 

about three weeks ago I set up a meeting with the other guy and explained to him that if he didn't pull some strings I was going to escalate the situation. I explained to him that my wife agreed to let me tell his wife. But instead of doing that I wanted to give him a chance.

 

you all know what I ended up doing. it's liberating for sure.

 

I installed a gps on my wife car. The question is the only way they can hook up now is outside of work. So do I wait and see then if they try and hook up maybe for closure do I bust them?

 

My best friends say no let it go now...I finally have what I want. Which is them not working together.

 

what do you all think?

[Ninja'sHusband]

I think it sucks, but you have to verify the truth for a while until you feel like your wife is really being truthful. Either you'll eventually stop feeling the need to spy, or you'll discover shocking things and the **** will hit the fan...and only get worse. I think spying is necessary for while when dealing with a proven liar. You need the truth, and for her to prove she's NOT a liar after proving otherwise.

[Darth Vader]

I think it sucks' date=' but you have to verify the truth for a while until you feel like your wife is really being truthful. Either you'll eventually stop feeling the need to spy, or you'll discover shocking things and the **** will hit the fan...and only get worse. I think spying is necessary for while when dealing with a proven liar. You need the truth, and for her to prove she's NOT a liar after proving otherwise.[/quote']

 

 

I agree, if you don't do this at least for now (with GPS), they may take the A underground. I'm sure your wife has no idea about the GPS? You may want to get and hide a voice activated recorder in her car so you can determine if they are still contacting each other as GPS can only tell you but so much!

[Try]

My wife is pissed off at me right now. I'm thinking it's a matter of time now when she tells me it's over between us. For me if this is what happens then it was never going to work out anyway. I found out the otherguy emailed her and told her that as promised he took the hit. Now she feels guilty and blames me.

Amazing. In her mind the other man (OM) is the victim because you told the truth and it cost him his job. The significance of the OM f*cking her (your wife) is completely lost on her. She actually has more empathy for the other man than for you. Never mind that jobs are rarely for life and that it is normal for people to have many jobs in their lives and it is marraige that is suppose to be forever. Never mind that the OM would change jobs on his own if offered a little more money. To her his loss of a job is more important to her than the value of your marraige to her. Talk about having no remorse for her cheating. The OM and her staying in email contact with each other and thus ignoring NC outside of work is just icing on the cake of her betrayal.

 

When she gets mad at you over this, please laugh in her face. Tell her just how much pleasure that you got in f*cking over the man that f*cked your wife. Tell her that if she does not like it she is free to leave and that you are done putting up with her disrespectful bad attitude. Tell her that she needs an attitude adjustment right now or you will be filing for divorce so fast her head will spin. The arrogance of this cheater is mind boggling.

[2sunny]

There would be nothing to tell if she hadn't been screwing him. It's on her! It's not your fault for telling the truth. Good for you!

 

She's mad because now her playmate isn't there to see her each day. I'd bet money she was still active in her A even though she said she wasn't.

 

Tell his W! He may not have said why he was fired.

 

And stop taking any blame for your wife's cheating - that's only on her!

 

While she was treating you terribly - did you decide to cheat? No...

 

IF she wasn't happy with you - she could have been honest - but to cheat isn't your fault.

 

SHE needs consequences... The OM got fired - but what consequences has your W had?

 

Her placing the blame on you is UNACCEPTABLE!

[ch123]

Cannot find Owls story. can someone send me a link?

[carhill]

Here's a couple to read which might be helpful.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/54471-should-i-let-her-email-om-once

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/140226-how-do-you-know-your-affair-isn-t-contributing-decline-their-marriage

[ch123]

Man good reads...

 

My wife said her session with her Therapist went good. We will see what that means tonight. This weekend our couples Therapist contact both of our individual therapist to strategize the situation. Maybe that helped my wife Therapist in there session? only time will tell.

 

I can tell all of you this I feel much better not having him work there. My family suffered from the daily contact. My wife did do a NC letter but for me this was not good enough.

 

I even setup a meeting with the other guy so he could meet the man in which I explained to him that if he didn't pull some strings soon I was going to escalate the situation. So to hell with that guy! I don't care! Im ready for her to call it quits if need be. But if she turns herself around and things get better then I will reconcile with her.

 

Actions speak louder than words. Let's see what she does now.

[Darth Vader]

Man good reads...

 

My wife said her session with her Therapist went good. We will see what that means tonight. This weekend our couples Therapist contact both of our individual therapist to strategize the situation. Maybe that helped my wife Therapist in there session? only time will tell.

 

I can tell all of you this I feel much better not having him work there. My family suffered from the daily contact. My wife did do a NC letter but for me this was not good enough.

 

I even setup a meeting with the other guy so he could meet the man in which I explained to him that if he didn't pull some strings soon I was going to escalate the situation. So to hell with that guy! I don't care! Im ready for her to call it quits if need be. But if she turns herself around and things get better then I will reconcile with her.

 

Actions speak louder than words. Let's see what she does now.

 

I have to ask, WHY?

 

No, I mean it, WHY?

 

Honestly, don't you think you're better than settling for second best? Do you realize that you're her second best, her second choice?

 

Are you just going to take her straddling and riding another man, are you just going to take that? What the HELL!? And PLEASE don't tell me it's because you Love her, because she doesn't Love you! Get a clue! Take a hint!

 

Her actions have already spoken louder than her words! Think about that. Think about all of this!

 

Do something BETTER for yourself! Like, dropping her ass! I want better for you, we want better for you! Don't you want better? Don't you think you deserve way better than her? What do you think?

[ch123]

Totally agree its within her. She said she was tired of living a double life. This morning she said she loves me. At this point I am not persueing her. It's laughable watching her try and be mad. For me if she wants to lead a distructive path then do be it. Everyone knows about the affair now I will find out again.

 

Vader I'm not ready to drop her ass as of yet. I'm told by trusted friends and family to give her a chance. I must do this for me! A person cannot make or control another person. If she wants to go then so be it.

[Darth Vader]

Totally agree its within her. She said she was tired of living a double life. This morning she said she loves me. At this point I am not persueing her. It's laughable watching her try and be mad. For me if she wants to lead a distructive path then do be it. Everyone knows about the affair now I will find out again.

 

Vader I'm not ready to drop her ass as of yet. I'm told by trusted friends and family to give her a chance. I must do this for me! A person cannot make or control another person. If she wants to go then so be it.

 

 

True, However, Don't allow her to drag you through the mud! Don't let her string you along for years!

[Owl]

CH123, not sure why you wanted to find my story, but it's simple enough. Look for all threads started by me...it's the first one, back in 2004.

 

Personally, I think you did the right thing by exposing at work. So the OM took the bullet...spiffy for him.

 

Your wife being angry about it at first...totally and completely normal response. Nothing surprising or amazing in that, nor does it say anything about her feelings for you or OM. It simply means that she's ticked off because you did something that she didn't like.

 

To me, it sounds like you're on the right path. INSIST on the things you need from her in order to rebuild your trust in her, and your relationship with her. If she refuses, that is her option, and it comes with it's own set of consequences.

 

She's going to have a lot to work through on her own, too. Guilt for what she's done, for what it's doing to your marriage. Acceptance of the responsibility for all of this. Changes in her mindset and behavior to ensure that this doesn't happen again.

 

Reconciliation is NOT an easy path. But it can be done, which is why I think you were looking for my story.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

CH,

 

I just read your thread. Back in December you seemed intent on not upsetting the apple cart with your wife, not pushing for no contact, not insisting she leave the job, not pushing for transparency, just taking the wait-and-see approach and basically just going by your observations of how she was acting to determine if your reconcilation was on track. Basically an "I-can-put-up-with-it-as-long-as-it-feels-like-the-reconciliation-is-on track" attitude.

 

When you updated in February, you seemed to have a completely different attitude, you outed her at work, got the other man fired, and basically had a consequences-be-damned, I-just-can't-take-it-any-longer attitude.

 

What happened between December and February to turn you around and take this kind of action? Was there any one specific thing, was it a general feeling, was is something she said or did?

 

Also, from the last email from him to her, it seemed that the "connection" was still there, at least on his end to your wife, that he was putting your wife's welfare above his own (and above that of his wife and his family, since I'm sure the loss of income will hurt them). Your wife's anger about you doing this seems to me that she still was clinging to a secret connection with him, even if they NEVER spoke again, they still felt something for each other.