ch123 Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Hi Everyone, Not sure how to proceed but I will give this a try. Me and my wife have been married for 15 years. We have 2 girls 5 and 7 years old. The last ten have been different. do to having kids, building a house and having it burn down after we just moved in. Then rebuilding and moving back in. All of which consumed about 7 years of our lives. The last three we have been living in the new house. During that time we grew apart because the kids slepted in our bed and I could not sleep in a crowded bed like this. This affected our love life dramatically. Basically making us roommates. Finally, my wife started to make the kids who are older now sleep in there own beds. This brought me back and made me feel like I could try and get close to my wife again. So I started to reconcile with her on her birthday. Only to find out that there was some deep anger issues she had with me. I started to sleep in our bed again and we started sleeping together again. But something was very different. So said I felt like a stranger and got mad at me for thinking I could flip a switch and come back into her life. I really felt that something was weird about this so I ask her if she was seeing someone esle. She denied it! I did not believe her so I began to investigate her phone bills and found many text messages and calls to the same number. I put a track on her phone and in August caught her with a guy. Turned out to be a co-worker all hell broke loose. He is also married. That night we talked about this and she gave me the laundry list of issues she had with me. She agreed that we get therapy to help us work this out. the therapist discovered that my wife has deep anger and resentment towards me. And said that this was a crisis and we both will need to get individual therapist to work out our own issues while our couples therapist works on us. It's December now, alot has happened during this rebuilding process. Many ups and down times. Like a roller coaster. My wife has been struggling to get close to me and for since August I have been instructed to give her space while she is sorting herself out. During this time we have been working hard we have fun together have taken trips. getting along great! Except for her continued distance. She is not distant all of the time but seems to not be as affectionate as I know she can be. She does not touch me during the day very much but will give me a kiss in the morning and night. She does say she loves me. Even received flowers on our anniversary with a very nice card. saying she loves me. This was a first in a very long time. The problem is me too. I am having trust issues. Very hard to believe that someone could be nice to you to your face and be cheating on you at the same time. My wife has discoved that she has some serious personal issues which go back to when she was a child and how she was raised. Basically raised in a household of fear. Anyway, I don't know why I can't just feel good about where we are at right now. Everything seems like we are on the mends. Even my wife says that now I am doing everything right and me feeling her pail is helping her heal. So why don't I trust her. How do I stop feeling like she is going to come home one day and say we are done. We finally got together the other night and made love again. She was really uptight and nervous and told me she was. Said, she was nervous because it has been so long and she was emotional about it. Also some of the stress is brought on with us having to decide that we can not afford to live in this house and either have to walk away or short sale. This is not helping our relationship for sure. I'm stressed about it too. Don't get me wrong my wife seems to be doing all the right things too. She even offered to take my mom shopping. This was new to me. My therapist says that she would be be doing any of these things if she was not planning to stay. But I cannot convince myself completely. I asked her that I would like to talk about how I could please her more in the bedroom. Since we have never had that discusion. But he said she is just not ready to do that right now. Let me know what you think about ll of this. I'm sorry it's not well written. Thanks, ch123
Realist3 Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Be confident in yourself. You have taken the right steps. Do right by your kids, and realize this may be a fairly long road. Who can say how long it will take for your wife to resolve her issues? All you can do is be the best man, father, and husband you can be. She will admire that in this time of struggle between you two and your financial situation. 1
Bryanp Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 You need to confront the OM's wife about this. If you do not then there are no consequences for your wife or the OM and nothing to stop them from continuing the affair and taking it underground. How can you be sure she is still not seeing the OM. You and your wife need to be tested for STD's. Would your wife be as forgiving as you have been to her if the roles had been reversed? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Good luck.
turnera Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Did you address all the necessary things after you discovered the affair? Did she write a No Contact letter to OM? Do you have the passwords to her phone/computer? Does she tell you where she is, so you can feel safer that she's not lying? As for her, you need to know that women, once they reach resentment/withdrawal phase, will take MUCH longer, usually, to get back to the vulnerable love-you stage. I think it's a fear thing - fear to be hurt by you. Have you taken a good look at all those resentment issues? 1
Realist3 Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 (edited) It sounds like the man would really like to reconcile, not place more fear in her of him than she already has by making her paranoid on top of her already existing issues. Treating the WS like a child is not helpful. Edited December 10, 2012 by Realist3
Author ch123 Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 Yes she tells me what she wants to do all the time. Actually things seem to be getting better between us. She said that seeing me help around the house like I have and being more involved with the kids is helping her heal. It's just seems like this is a little to good to be true. Our therapist says we are really doing great! I a just insecure about being misled again! She lied to me in the past so what is the difference. She has shown remorse over this and says I have blown up her relationship with her ex way out of proportion. We had sex the other night and she told me she felt nervous and was emotional. Seems to be struggling to get close still. Is this normal? I didn't know what to think. I asked her why she was nervous she said it was because it has been such a long time and it has been a very emotional week with meeting with lawyers about the possiblity of losing our house to forclosure or short selling. we are a mess. I'm trying to find ways to cope without comitting relationship sewer side by telling her HR department at work. My Therapist does not recommend I do this at all. It will only hurt me more than I know. But I can't stop thinking that someday she is going to come home and drop a bomb on me. tell me that she is leaving me for him. Even though everyone says he is nothing.
Realist3 Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 She may end up doig that someday, but all you can do is be the best YOU you can be. I bet she will find that attractive. 1
GorillaTheater Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 She may end up doig that someday, but all you can do is be the best YOU you can be. I bet she will find that attractive. And if she doesn't, other women will. 2
Ninja'sHusband Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 OK, first SHE needs to do the heavy lifting here. YOu can work your tail off, but she is the one who had the affair. The more try to do it for her, the more she'll expect it. And ...running in the opposite direction...if you really want to please her, doing a better job in the bedroom may not be the answer. I suggest reading "His Needs Her Needs" or "The Five Love Languages". I've only read the first one and prefer that one(based on what I've read on the websites), but they both go over the concept that people express/receive love differently. You need to know what's important to your wife. You could be spending a ton of energy on something that's broken only for you, not her. But again, it's on her to rebuild your trust. You can't do it for her. The more you try to control her the more she will turn away. If she's not doing the right things to reconcile....there's just not much hope. You have to steal yourself to remove yourself from the equation. Sometimes they wake up at that point, sometimes not. That's all you can do.
Realist3 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Reconcilliation is a two way heavy lifting experience. One person is not going to lift a relationship back to where it should be. Often times here I read the notion of "you broke it, you fix it." That is not the way it works.
Author ch123 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 I want to thank everyone for you input. It has been very helpful. My wife and I had a good heart to heart yesterday. I she explained that she is not seeing, texting or any other thing with her ex any longer. That she is with me 100%. Later that day she sent me a text thanking me for the talk saying that it really helped. Ever since then she has been very open and upbeat. Thru the last couple of months I have witness a depression within her. Seems like this is something she is getting help with her Therapist. Depression runs in her family hell her mother would not even leave her house for 5 yrs. I think they call it Agoraphobia? Anyway I starting to fear something way deeper going on with my wife than an affair. Thanks, ch123
Author ch123 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 Oh by the way, My wife therapist said that she needed to expand her girl friend base. She really does not have many girl friends. the therapist said it would help her to have girl friends to vent too every once in a while. So last night she met up with one of her friends. She told me the place and time and who. I was able to confirm this with the girl firends husband who has been a close friend for 20plus years. Any I thought this was aperfect time to test her trust. So I called my friend and asked him to ping me when his wife got home from her outing with my wife. This was a sure blind test because my wife didn't know we were talking. Anyway not long after I got the ping that my buddy's wife was home I got a text from my wife too saying she was in the boat line. We live on an island so you always have to wait. The distances are the same from the resturant. so my trust has gone up. thought this was an interesting test at least for me and thought I share.
carhill Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Outside perspective: Why not invite your wife's girlfriend and her husband over for dinner? Solidify couple's stuff and grow that dynamic. IOW, 'go out' with your wife as a couple. Come to think of it, I rarely see my long-married friends as singles. Their spouses are nearly always with them when we socialize publicly, except when rare business or family situations draw one spouse away. I have both male and female married friends. Make an extra effort to ensure the children are not lost in this process of marital renewal. In a way, it's family renewal. If your wife indicates she has childhood issues, accept that as authentic and IMO engage a clinical psychologist for MC who specializes in couple's therapy where those specific childhood issues are relevant. Some examples would be abuse, neglect, molestation or incest. A greater therapeutical skill level is necessary to analyze and address those (or similar) situations and their manifestations in intimate relations. Figure 3-5 years as a reasonable timeframe, with checks along the way, to regain and/or improve upon what was lost, maritally. Good luck. 1
Author ch123 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 Interestingly enough, My told me yesterday that her individual Therapist wants to coordinate treatment with our couples Therapist. Saying that her Therapist felt the need to be on the same page. Always uphill. Can't we all just get along?
carhill Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 IMO, the team approach, in this case, is a sound one. Generally, IC is focused on the individual and what is best/healthy for them. Depending on the information shared and the focus, that could very well be continuing the affair and ending the marriage, as one extreme example. It happens. An IC who is focused on bookending on/with MC, where the marriage is the client, is a forward-thinking IC, IMO, and should be retained if the therapy is otherwise efficacious. 'Getting along' is a process. It isn't going to happen overnight on/at the basic psychological level. As a guy, we just want it to be 'fixed' and go on without hassle to preserve our safe haven of home and hearth. Sorry to share that it generally doesn't work like that. Laudable goal, but there's a lot of work between now and then. Hope you're up for it. 1
Author ch123 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 Can you say this in english please?
carhill Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Here's a link to a thread for LS terminology: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/water-cooler/228723-ls-terminology As far as English, it's my first language but if you need clarification, identify what you wish clarified and I'll try to help.
Author ch123 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 no I'm sorry I didn't mean to be rude. I just tough to read the truth. This sucks I feel this could actually be what it's about. She said it was because her Therapist didn't want to contradict what our Therapist was saying so she wanted to get on the same page. probably was BS.
Author ch123 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 Carhill, Do you mean getting along in the process of divorce? You think this is what she is trying to accomplish?
carhill Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 (edited) IMO, it sounds like you have a couple of competent therapists, though I'd direct them to avoid editorial commentary and work the issues in a neutral way. An example of an editorial comment would be : 'My therapist says that she would<n't> be be doing any of these things if she was not planning to stay' That potential is unknown. The work is to discover and clarify your path as a couple. That may be separation; that may be divorce; that may be reconciliation. At this time, the end of the path is unknown. You're working on the tools for the journey. Is it possible that she's trying to get along to provide for a more amicable divorce? Sure, it's *possible*. My advice is to work with the real and let the possibilities take care of themselves. Focus on today, here, now, and the person who is in front of you, as well as the mirror (yourself). Tomorrow will get here. Deal with it when it does. Edited December 11, 2012 by carhill edit quote for clarity
turnera Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Usually, if a therapist says he wants to coordinate with your other therapist, it means he has concerns and wants to make sure all counselors are working toward the same goal. Also, it's possible he sees issues that he wants to make sure the other counselor doesn't get scammed on.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Interestingly enough, My told me yesterday that her individual Therapist wants to coordinate treatment with our couples Therapist. Saying that her Therapist felt the need to be on the same page. Always uphill. Can't we all just get along? Were our places switched... I would have a chat with her HR at work. These affairs don't go away easily and if they still have 8-10 hours a day of easy face to face contact... she may be emotionally struggling despite attempting to fix things with you. Her company could provide the separation for you. You could do a dry run by telling her you plan to tell the Other Man's wife about the cheating. Just pay attention to how she handles that news. If she flies off the handle and wants to protect him... you have a big problem because she still cares. If she is either supportive of the idea or just supportive of your need for this... then you guys are on the right track. Best of Luck! 2
KingKO Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 (edited) I can truly say that I understand where you are coming from. Trust is a very hard emotion to rebuild over night. It can take a while, but if you're willing to forgive and accept her for who she is and for what she've done then do so without any anger or resentment towards her. A lot of people may disagree with me, but lets exclude your children for just a moment. Your wife betrayed you then made you feel as if you were the blame. It's no justification for what she've done, period! No one should cheat especially while married. The issue with her and the counsler bringing her childhood issues into your marriage is just another excuse. Both of you have been married too long for that to be an issue. I bet all of this were metioned after you finding her having an affair. She needed a reason to make her look like she's the victim and she's not at fault for having an affair. She displayed anger toward you because of the guilt that she felt from cheating. See people tend to flip the script once caught doing something wrong to protect themselves. You should never feel like a stranger to your wife being that ya'll have been married for so long. The reason for her feeling that way towards you because once again it was guilt. I hope you can work it out because betrayal is the #1 leading reasons for divorce and physical abuse. Don't stay because of the children, stay because you love her and willing to forgive her. If you are unhappy then leave, because you showing anger towards her for what she done or even bringing it up will only cause problems. So either leave or stay and not think what if! Think as if she did. She wasn't concerned about ya'll family neither was she concerned about the effects of betrayal and how would the children feel to have us part. So why should you? Its better to leave than to stay because you don't want to put your children through the unhappiness between you and their mother. But to be honest all bull**** to the side, she broken the vowels and its nothing else that she wuld be able to say to me to convince me to stay. Because the counsenling should have been done BEFORE the cheating/affair occured. You will never be able to fully trust her. The fact will always remain that she cheated with a co-worker(someone close) no matter how much rebuilding ya'll do. Just like the house burned down it was rebuilt, but the fact remain that it was burned down before being rebuilt Edited December 12, 2012 by KingKO added more
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