First love problems

[first love]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm in need of some advice so I'll just jump on in and tell my story.

 

Last week my girlfriend of 5 years and I finally split up. We started dating in high school. She was my first love. My first everything. Our relationship has always been great. We've had our fair share of fights and arguments, but we always made up we always talked it out handmade things right.

 

Lately we've been drifting apart a bit. We both lost our jobs at the same time. I found a new one, and she just focused on school. We wouldn't see each other much as I work long hours. The weekend was our time until recently she started going out with her friends more often. I was becoming very resentful, because I felt like she had the best of both worlds. A nice happy life with me during the week, and the single girl life with her friends on the weekend.

 

I'm not one to bring up problems on my mind. I'd rather try and do things about them on my end to avoid confrontation. It wasn't every weekend that she was going out more like every other. It wasn't always "going out" either. A lot of times she would just hang out at her friends house for a few hours and come home around 2am.

 

I was becoming more and more resentful. Last week she went on a trip that she had planed for a while with one of her best friends. They were going to see a concert and have a girls weekend at the hotel. She left and everything was ok. The whole time she was there I was just getting angrier and angrier, because we never did anything like that together.

 

When she came back she was so excited to tell me all about the trip. I tried to seem interested and then I just blurted out the dumbest thing I've ever said. "R I'm not happy with you anymore, I think we should break up." I should have apologized and fixed it right then and there. I should have told her what was really upsetting me. I've never been good at expressing my feelings and it just came out.

 

She's always been a very strong girl. She cried and shut me out. Over the next two days she became very distant. I tried to talk to her about it. She refused. She said she didn't know what she wanted. I've told her before I wasn't happy. I was out of anger and there wasn't any truth behind it.

 

When we finally talked about it she said she didn't know what she wanted and she was going to stay at her dad's house for a while. She called a friend and packed a suitcase. I didn't know what else to do, so I begged and pleaded with her to stay. She still went.

 

I couldn't help but call her every night. I feel like I made things so much worse in those few days. I called and begged her to tell me what to do to fix it. How to get her to come home. She just kept saying she doesn't know and she needs time.

 

I've been out of work for the past few months and her unemployment is about to run up. This past Wednesday (3 days after she left) I got a call from a temp agency saying that they had some openings that I would be qualified for and to come in on Friday to fill out some paper work. They also said I could bring someone with the same qualifications as me to apply as well, so naturally I call up R. She agrees to go.

 

The next night I broke down and I called her around 12am. She agreed to see me if I went to her dads house. I go and we sit in the car talking for a long time. We talk about all of our problems, mostly how I never tell her how I feel. How if something she does upsets me I don't tell her, I just shut her out. I forced her to make a decision weather she wanted to work it out or not. She kept telling me she doesn't know right now. She says it's not that simple. After I keep pressuring her to just give me an answer she tells me "I don't think we should be together right now". Those words crushed me. She kept saying sorry, I told her it was ok and I left.

 

The next day we went to the agency and did what we had to do. It went really well, and she seemed really happy to see me. I suggested that we go get breakfast. She agreed and we went. I was amazing it felt so great to just sit and talk with her. It was just like before we started having problems. After breakfast she stopped by my place to get some of her stuff. Theres a lot of her stuff since we've lived together for the past 3 years. Thats when it hit me that we were still separated and she was still going to her fathers house.

 

I'm at a loss right now. I want her back so bad, but I don't know the right way to go about it. I haven't contacted her all weekend and I'm going crazy. In desperate need of advice right now. Did I ruin it all? Did I push her too far?

Edited December 10, 2012 by first love

[th90]

Hi,

 

I think the best thing you could do now is to leave her alone. She is not sure with what she is feeling right now. Think about it. You want to be with her so bad because you're so much in love with her, it has to work the same from her side. If she doesn't want to be with you, she is either being confused with her feelings or is no longer in love with you.

 

If she agrees to start over as a result of your begging and pleadings, you are likely to have your heart broken again in the future.

 

Let her know that you are waiting for an answer from her. Give her the time that she needs. Make it clear to her that you can't be waiting forever. Give it a month or two. If she comes back to you, it means she has sorted out her feelings and wants to be with you. If she doesn't, both of you are never meant to be.

 

To be honest, I think my ex is going through this phase where he is not sure about his feelings. He told me he doesn't feel the same anymore. I'm keeping the door open for him for 3 months (I know this is a bad idea, but I think it's worth doing it considering all the things we have been through). In the meantime, I make sure that I stay NC no matter how hurtful, painful and hard it is. I allow myself to start healing from this heartbreak as well.

 

Remember, the more you bother her, the further you're pushing her away. Since both of you are getting the same job, it is quite unlikely to stay NC, just try to keep it at minimum. Stop telling her how you feel. Stay away and give her time to think it over. You aren't the only one going crazy, I am, many people on LS are feeling the same. Tell yourself to be strong, you can do better than that

[first love]

Thanks for the sound advice!

I'll be honest, I didn't take it. I tried, but I just couldn't let it go.

 

I ended up bringing her to the beach last friday at around 2am to watch the geminid meteor shower. We had a great time everything went well. I brought her to her dad's and said our goodbyes. The next day I ended up picking her up after work and we went for a walk along the boulevard. We ended up sitting on a bench just watching the water. I figured the past few days have been great, so I bring up our relationship. She says I haven't given her the time and space that she asked for and she still doesn't know.

 

I leave it at that and take her home. Later that night I broke down and called her flipped out on the phone said a lot of things that I shouldn't have. Nothing real serious, but still shouldn't have been said. I was angry and packed the rest of her stuff. I brought it to her fathers house and brought everything up to her porch. We talked for a little she kept saying things like "oh what happens if we get back together now, you're going to have to move all my stuff back.". I felt like she was just stringing me along, toying with my emotions. I got pretty upset and ended up telling her off about it. We both end up crying and I get in my car and take off.

 

I haven't contacted her since. I feel like I blew it. Everything thing on the list of things NOT to do, I've now done. Begged and pleaded with her, check. Cried like a bitch about her not wanting to be with me, check. I've pretty much given her all of the power, and I'm still just as lost as before.

 

New plan. No contact, move on.

 

Thanks Loveshack

[valeriepm]

My ex did something similar with me - told me to give him time to sort out his feelings and strung me along for two weeks (wanting to be with me one day and not the next). Like you, I got overly emotional and pushed him over the edge by begging, pleading, texting and calling. The best thing to do, really, is no contact. I think it's important to let them know, in the beginning, that we apologize and truly want to work things out. Anything beyond that (whether it's simply repeating how we feel) is just pushing them away.

 

Let's just continue no contact and move on - they'll eventually wonder why we seemed to stop caring (and maybe, by that time, we really won't anymore).

[Samilia]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm in need of some advice so I'll just jump on in and tell my story.

 

Last week my girlfriend of 5 years and I finally split up. We started dating in high school. She was my first love. My first everything. Our relationship has always been great. We've had our fair share of fights and arguments, but we always made up we always talked it out handmade things right.

 

Lately we've been drifting apart a bit. We both lost our jobs at the same time. I found a new one, and she just focused on school. We wouldn't see each other much as I work long hours. The weekend was our time until recently she started going out with her friends more often. I was becoming very resentful, because I felt like she had the best of both worlds. A nice happy life with me during the week, and the single girl life with her friends on the weekend.

 

I'm not one to bring up problems on my mind. I'd rather try and do things about them on my end to avoid confrontation. It wasn't every weekend that she was going out more like every other. It wasn't always "going out" either. A lot of times she would just hang out at her friends house for a few hours and come home around 2am.

 

I was becoming more and more resentful. Last week she went on a trip that she had planed for a while with one of her best friends. They were going to see a concert and have a girls weekend at the hotel. She left and everything was ok. The whole time she was there I was just getting angrier and angrier, because we never did anything like that together.

 

When she came back she was so excited to tell me all about the trip. I tried to seem interested and then I just blurted out the dumbest thing I've ever said. "R I'm not happy with you anymore, I think we should break up." I should have apologized and fixed it right then and there. I should have told her what was really upsetting me. I've never been good at expressing my feelings and it just came out.

 

She's always been a very strong girl. She cried and shut me out. Over the next two days she became very distant. I tried to talk to her about it. She refused. She said she didn't know what she wanted. I've told her before I wasn't happy. I was out of anger and there wasn't any truth behind it.

 

When we finally talked about it she said she didn't know what she wanted and she was going to stay at her dad's house for a while. She called a friend and packed a suitcase. I didn't know what else to do, so I begged and pleaded with her to stay. She still went.

 

I couldn't help but call her every night. I feel like I made things so much worse in those few days. I called and begged her to tell me what to do to fix it. How to get her to come home. She just kept saying she doesn't know and she needs time.

 

I've been out of work for the past few months and her unemployment is about to run up. This past Wednesday (3 days after she left) I got a call from a temp agency saying that they had some openings that I would be qualified for and to come in on Friday to fill out some paper work. They also said I could bring someone with the same qualifications as me to apply as well, so naturally I call up R. She agrees to go.

 

The next night I broke down and I called her around 12am. She agreed to see me if I went to her dads house. I go and we sit in the car talking for a long time. We talk about all of our problems, mostly how I never tell her how I feel. How if something she does upsets me I don't tell her, I just shut her out. I forced her to make a decision weather she wanted to work it out or not. She kept telling me she doesn't know right now. She says it's not that simple. After I keep pressuring her to just give me an answer she tells me "I don't think we should be together right now". Those words crushed me. She kept saying sorry, I told her it was ok and I left.

 

The next day we went to the agency and did what we had to do. It went really well, and she seemed really happy to see me. I suggested that we go get breakfast. She agreed and we went. I was amazing it felt so great to just sit and talk with her. It was just like before we started having problems. After breakfast she stopped by my place to get some of her stuff. Theres a lot of her stuff since we've lived together for the past 3 years. Thats when it hit me that we were still separated and she was still going to her fathers house.

 

I'm at a loss right now. I want her back so bad, but I don't know the right way to go about it. I haven't contacted her all weekend and I'm going crazy. In desperate need of advice right now. Did I ruin it all? Did I push her too far?

 

She's in school, she sees opportunities, it's exciting. She goes out with her friends, went on a trip, life is good.

On the other hand you were unemployed, probably stuck in a routine, starting fights and so on..

 

Personally I would give it some time. Why don't you go back to school yourself? Show her that you're bettering yourself, a change that would make her feel secure dating you?

 

I do believe that time heals a lot, I don't know if it will put the relationship back on track, but it's a start.

[first love]

Personally I would give it some time. Why don't you go back to school yourself? Show her that you're bettering yourself, a change that would make her feel secure dating you?

 

Yeah I guess I skipped that, I'm also in school

 

But yeah I guess no contact is my only choice now.

[lavitabella]

I am also dealing with a breakup from a long-term love and I have done all the things you did- the crying, pleading, begging (except I am the girl), and it does not work at all. As a few other people have said, it only pushes them away. Although it is our first instinct to do that because we love the person so much and don't want to lose them, it is really counterproductive unfortunately.

 

I am going into NC with my ex as well. It hurts a lot, but it's helping me stay a bit optimistic about the situation. Think about it- if you are going from calling them/pleading/crying constantly to just not talking to them at all, they're bound to at least start to wonder why you're not contacting them anymore. Maybe eventually (I'm hoping), they'll think that they need to contact YOU now to see how you're doing or what's going on with you.

 

NC is rough and hard, but you must do it. Give yourself time to change things and reflect on yourself and how you've behaved during the relationship. It's hard to live without someone who's been there everyday basically for however long, but you just have to do it to give your relationship the best chances. If God grants you your wish and you two do get back together, you will want to be a changed person for them. I wish you the best of luck, and may both of us get our exes back.

[first love]

Got a "happy early new years" text at 11:10 yesterday. I was having a good time at a party, and promptly deleted it :] felt pretty good. I finally feel like I'm in control of my life again. This break up has taught me a lot, and I feel like it was a blessing in disguise. People out there listen up! NO CONTACT WORKS. It's been a month since she broke up with me. I thought after 5 and a half years together I would never be happy again. It gets easier just keep your heads up and stay strong.

 

Happy new years to all. Hope it was fun for all