Divasu Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 three gangbangs, one with 4 (!) men, two white and two black men, and once she had given 6 bj's in one night. I am totally disgusted about this crap. I would be too. Call me judgmental, I accept it... I'm not sure if I would be able to overlook it either if I were in your shoes. Ooooff. I wonder if she did it, to save her marriage or if she enjoyed that particular lifestyle equally with her then husband. As a for instance, I know of a woman who was married and her husband felt "bored" with the marriage and suggested a threesome, she went along with it to please him and save their marriage. Shortly after, she discovered he was cheating on the side and she divorced him. She has never been the same as a result of that.
Author Nature Boy Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 Thanks to all!! CptSaveaho, she told me that the rules of the club reject single women entirely. For several reasons. In order to be legal, they must make sure that no prostitutes are involved, the risks of STD's are greater with random single women, possible unwanted pregnancy, and the jealousy factor, to name a few. They do allow single men, but the rules are strict for them as well. they must be tested for STD's and provide proof, they must use condoms for any full intercourse, and they must NOT be substance abusers. AS I find out more about this club, I will pass the info on.
Tara247 Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Ninjainpajamas: "I don't like being raped in the butthole with a large black dildo the size of my leg....but you know, I did it to "save my marriage" :lmao:
Author Nature Boy Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 The way I see it is this. First the positives. She is no longer interested in this club, and has not been involved for at least 4 years. She is getting help from a professional counselor with her issues. She has always treated me with love and respect, and I do know that she is broken hearted about this and is completely remorseful for not telling me sooner. She wants , more than anything, to put this behind her but sometimes despairs if she will ever be able to live it down. She has PROMISED that our sex is completely superior to anything she has had before, and that she is completely in love with me. The negatives are . The photos, and the possibility that members of my family will see them. IDK how many of my family look at porn, but I would be embarrassed if they did see them. Is she really being truthful about what she says ? Plus, I am having a hard time with the imagery of what she did.
Tara247 Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Well, she's been crying all weekend about this, and either comes over, calls or texts CONSTANTLY!!!! She says that she has been in therapy to get over her feelings of shame, and I knew that she was in IC, but didn't ask about it , thinking it was about her marriage issues. Which, in a way , it is. She said that she would never, ever, go back to that lifestyle, regardless of whether or not I will still want to see her. She realizes how demeaning it was, and says that it has taken a long time to forgive herself for acting in that way. Let me say this. The year we have been together has been great, up to this point. We have lots of similar interests, and spend more time together than I did with my ex wife. Our sex life is fantastic, and she says it is the best she has ever experienced, and she said this before I found out about her past recreations. she says that she has never felt this way about her husband or any other man. Question is, can I believe her? If you can get over it and you like her, then get over it. Am I understanding that you want to know from her if you're the best sex she ever had? I wouldn't even ask that question if I were you. P.S. And you will continue to have a hard time with the imagery for awhile.
GLDheart Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Mark my words, someday she will resent you for how hard you are making this on her.... Not today, not tomorrow, but way down the road this adds up. The window is closing on you to be the better man and tell her one of two things "Babe, I love you. I accept you for who you are. If you ever want to talk more about what you went through, I'm here for you..." OR "I just can't handle this, please forgive me but I need to move on." $hit or get off the pot. 4
Mumbles Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 This is the classic example of asking something you don't want to know to the answer to. You should have let it go. The past is the past, give people the dignity to move on from it. You can't un-hear what you've heard, un-known what you've learned or un-see what you've seen. Its going to stick with you now for your whole relationship if not your whole life. I have to agree with GldHeart here. When I was much younger I believed in the sort of romantic love that caused two peoples souls to merge together as one and they should share everything...blah...blash...blah Pretty quickly learned that if I loved my lady and she was good to me that I simply didn't want to know that she might have been a complete slut 10 years ago. I care if she's still one _now_, but you just can't pre-judge people in this way. Likewise, I'm not without a past and a sordid history. How many times has a GF whined and complained and moaned because she smells something she thinks is juicy in my history and wants the gory details....no she doesn't .. really, she doesn't, and if she knew she'd think differently about me, and I'm not that guy now, so what the heck does it matter?
kaylan Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 I feel so sorry for her... really. She obviously tried to save her marriage and please her x husband by participating in something she didn't really want to, all to make him happy. She did what she thought was right at the time, to save what she had. Now she has to live with it... ......and even now, she is making someone she really loves unhappy because she did it, ..... and even being honest about it and doing everything right might not even make it ok. Geeze.. my heart really goes out to her. This must be so so tough. All she has ever done is try make the person she loves happy. Lets not assume she did not want to do it or didnt enjoy it. Its quite possible she was looking for a thrill to save her marriage herself. Id be curious about what the ex husband has to say about what happened. Most women would put their foot down and divorce before every agreeing to a swinging lifestyle. So im thinking this chick wanted to do it.
Million.to.1 Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Just forgive her and move forward with your lives already! You can get past this. No one is going to see any photos, that is ridiculous... if you throw this away because of your stupid ego and bull**** male sexual possessive crap, you will regret it. She seems like a great woman, who loves you and wants to make you happy. No one is perfect. people make mistakes. act from your higher self... seek wisdom, forgivness and understanding through this. Let go of the things that make you uncomfortable about this because they serve nothing anyway. It's just stupid biology trying to make sure she only has your seed and your genetics. (for child rearing) Thats what male jealousy is all about... try and look beyond it. we are not beasts. 1
EasyHeart Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Ninjapajamas, You see, she was divorced longer than I was, before we got together, and in that time, (about 4 years) she was celibate, because of her self esteem problems and guilt. We didn't sleep together until we had dated for several months. When we did, she cried a lot and said that it was a miracle she could feel like this about anybody. This is a much bigger problem than the swinging. Much bigger. 2
Sunfire73 Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 If you knew these things before you dated her, what would you feel? Is this a deal breaker for you? If you feel you could do better, then end this and find someone else. If not, then will you be able to bury her past and don't let it consume you? Or will you always have that dark image in your mind which would affect your life forward? I think it's too much for one to carry, but it's just me. But then if you love her enough, then it can work. But for me, if I have a chance to seek out other options, I will. Just take responsibility for your decisions and actions.
Tara247 Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 This is backwards from what I know of those types of clubs. Usually single women can have memberships and single men cannot. Some have specific nights they allow single men, but that's it. I don't participate in that lifestyle though so I only know the rules I read for specific clubs (my stbxH and I considered going to one but never did). You might want to check this out a bit more closely. Having said that, it is my belief that if this lifestyle was something she wanted to continue, she would have either found someone likeminded or approached you/felt you out about it by now. I don't believe she had an obligation to disclose this to you. Sorry but I don't. A couple's sex life is private. They were married and what they chose to do within their relationship is their business. I don't agree with this. What is you're dating an ex-pedophile. You have a right to know. Nothing is private if I'm dating someone.
ascendotum Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 (edited) This is backwards from what I know of those types of clubs. Usually single women can have memberships and single men cannot. Some have specific nights they allow single men, but that's it. I don't participate in that lifestyle though so I only know the rules I read for specific clubs (my stbxH and I considered going to one but never did). You might want to check this out a bit more closely. This is what I thought as well. Single females are welcome more over single males, as most couples want FFM scenarios and the husbands will want new pussy. Having said that, it is my belief that if this lifestyle was something she wanted to continue, she would have either found someone likeminded or approached you/felt you out about it by now. I agree with this, though I am sceptical she hated the party events where she was the centre of attention. I suspect she just regrets her behavior afterwards as it was out of character. I don't believe she had an obligation to disclose this to you. Sorry but I don't. A couple's sex life is private. They were married and what they chose to do within their relationship is their business. I agree as well, though you would like to think your partner can be open about their life. The thing is the can of worms got opened after he heard his gf talking about sex parties and then he found the pamphlet on her desk. I can tell you now most guys are going to ask questions over that with a gf that does not live with them. What did her sex party friend expect her to do with this pamphlet since she has not been on the swinger scene for a number of years. .................... Edited December 10, 2012 by ascendotum
silvermercy Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I think the question many posters are asking is not if she's still having thoughts of participating in swinging lifestyle but if she's still has the issues that led to it. On the other hand, what on earth is this friend doing bringing her pamphlets and all? Is she grooming her to start again? I doubt it was just for curiosity purposes... Also, how does this help with getting over with her feelings of shame? What was her explanation on the pamphlet?
Author Nature Boy Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 Thanks to all. I disagree with most posters who say that single women are encouraged to join clubs. I asked a member of this club and she says that is not true , in this case, because of all of the trouble it has caused in the past. Single men are much sought after if they are well-endowed or Black or both. These aren't my Gf's words but another person's. I don't know which is true and don't really care as it's not central to my situation.
Author Nature Boy Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 The paper was about a specific event. A "meet and greet", where no sex is involved but is rather a social event where new or perspective members are introduced to the regular membership. The friend dropped it off to let my GF know about her ex-husband's activities. He is still a member with his new squeeze. I really don't place too much importance in the paper, except to say that if she was worried about me finding it, she could have disposed of it before I saw it, but she didn't. Perhaps she wanted me to find it, subconsciously? Something to think about.
Author Nature Boy Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 LOL..since when does a swing club have to be "legal?" And is it only SINGLE women that stand the chance of getting pregnant??? There's no "jealousy" factor in the lifestyle over single women. The bi women LOVE unicorns. And if she's been out of the lifestyle for 4 years, why the HELL would her friend from the sex club be bringing a pamphlet by for her? If they're friends, surely your GF would have told her lady friend by NOW all about how she's STILL in therapy for this supposed horrid time in her life - right? She's such a liar.Just a Poster, I think you need to go someplace else. Did you actually read all of my posts, or you just winging it as you go? Swing Clubs are perfectly legal but I specifically mentioned Prostitutes, didn't I? Are you a Bi-woman that yoiu can speak for them? If you are not going to give thoughtful advice , go elsewhere.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Perhaps she wanted me to find it, subconsciously? Something to think about. I was thinking the same thing. You've been together a year and you didn't know about this till now. If you're going to be together long term, this is probably something you should know and accept. Or if you can't accept it, she should know that so you can both move on. I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months, and there are things I think he should know - but he's more reserved and hasn't asked or even hinted to try to find any of this stuff out. It's different stuff, but it's still stuff he needs to know at some point - like, my mom is a recovered alcoholic and spent some years of my childhood basically in a drunken stupor. I haven't kept that from him, but it's not the kind of thing that just comes up in conversation. I would like to tell him about those kinds of things at some point, so he's not surprised later. As for your situation, personally, I don't think this kind of thing would be a deal breaker for me. We all do some stupid and outrageous things from time to time. What I think is most important is that she was honest when it came up, and it's in the past. 2
CptSaveAho Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I think you are "READING" too much into this. Trying to make excuses for everything and validate how you feel with facts. You are essentially lying to yourself. Ninja has called you out on it and so have I. No offense, this is typical "nice" guy behavior. Someone with poor personal boundaries. In a split second decision, I would have made the decision not to continue a relationship with this person and walked away. I dont need to post about 100 different ways to rationalize why I should stay and maybe she left it out for me etc. The simple fact is, you are "uncomfortable" with her and her past behavior. Your relationship is already over, all that's left is the crying. Someone pointed out earlier that grilling your girlfriend about it and not letting it go is going to cause her to resent you. You still havent let it go. This is something that women look for in men... confidence to make a decision and stick to it which you have yet to do.
Author Nature Boy Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 I was thinking the same thing. You've been together a year and you didn't know about this till now. If you're going to be together long term, this is probably something you should know and accept. Or if you can't accept it, she should know that so you can both move on. I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months, and there are things I think he should know - but he's more reserved and hasn't asked or even hinted to try to find any of this stuff out. It's different stuff, but it's still stuff he needs to know at some point - like, my mom is a recovered alcoholic and spent some years of my childhood basically in a drunken stupor. I haven't kept that from him, but it's not the kind of thing that just comes up in conversation. I would like to tell him about those kinds of things at some point, so he's not surprised later. As for your situation, personally, I don't think this kind of thing would be a deal breaker for me. We all do some stupid and outrageous things from time to time. What I think is most important is that she was honest when it came up, and it's in the past.Thanks , Ruby, for the most even -handed advice yet. I think I can get over her past indiscretions, and am going to try. She told me today that she will no longer have contact with the woman friend. I never asked her for this, but she says that our relationship is far more important than anything else. She also has said that she will be completely open to me and tell me anything I want to know. I don't think that the photos were too explicit, so I won't worry about them. Bottom line is that she really loves me and has treated me much better than my wife ever did, in every way. I'm certainly no angel, either. Actually I have had many, many, more sex partners than she has had, (just not all at one time). so I think I will give it a shot and see what happens. thanks to all, whether I agreed with you or not. 3
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 People seem not willing to see what's right in front of them when they are emotionally involved. I predict that OP will stay with this woman, yet deep down this thing will always bother him. It will lead to resentment on both sides that will slowly eat away and disintegrate the relationship. Nothing but tears and pain in the future.
Million.to.1 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I'm certainly no angel, either. Actually I have had many, many, more sex partners than she has had, (just not all at one time). well... what a blatant load of total hypocrisy that thread was then! 1
ascendotum Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 well... what a blatant load of total hypocrisy that thread was then! The guys I know who seem to have the biggest issues ending up with a former wild & adventurous women, are the guys who did not have a steller love life and never got much of the dirty girl times, so don't want a reformed slut or the man whores/players who became cynical of women being easy or cheating, so tend to want a younger less experienced traditional/family orientated type woman. Really though lots of guys are going to freak out over this situation, but in the end quite possibly because of his past he seems like he is going to get over this with her because he is really happy to have her. 1
Author Nature Boy Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 People seem not willing to see what's right in front of them when they are emotionally involved. I predict that OP will stay with this woman, yet deep down this thing will always bother him. It will lead to resentment on both sides that will slowly eat away and disintegrate the relationship. Nothing but tears and pain in the future.Well, that settles it then, I'm going to tell her it's over because Eternal Sunshine says we are doomed!!:laugh: 2
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