tried to break up with controlling fiance

[confused1983]

I have posted recently about my fiance, his anger and controlling behaviour. I spoke to him last night, and was on track to break up with him. To start with he was angry and said 'after everything I have done for you when you weren't working (I had an accident at work and as a result was off for 6 months with ssp only, he supported both of us) for those 6 months I didn't really go anywhere or do anything because I was in a lot of pain. Anyway, last night I told him that I wasn't happy. He began packing a bag and said he was going to his parents house and would see me whenever. After about half an hour and he got some stuff together we talked. He said I was attacking him and throwing all his past mistakes back at him. I said I wasn't attacking him, I was just trying to explain how his past behaviour had made me feel. He said no you're not, you're mentally attacking me, I know I've F*d up, I know I'm a failure, that I'm useless, fat and ugly. I of course said he wasn't any of those things. Then he carried on and said I can't do this, I can't take this. And said how last week I was understanding and said we would work through things. He said that I must have been lying and its all been pretend, I was the only one he could talk to. I told him I do understand but I have a limit, everybody does, and I could not forgive him for grabbing my friend and bruising her arms.

 

I have been trying to get him to go to counselling since August but he always put up a fight and said that he didn't want to pour his heart out to a stranger and be told what to do. I mentioned counselling again last night and he said I was trying to ram it in his face. He then got upset and was crying and saying that he loves me so much, he never knew how he got a girl like me, he doesn't want to lose me. I told him I know he loves me, I love him, but he holds on to me so tightly that I feel suffocated. He worries that he will lose me to somebody else, that I will look at every bloke around and think I'd be better off with them. He said 'I've been thinking about ending it, I've been looking up ways to do it' I thought he meant the relationship and asked him what he meant, he said 'what do you think darlin, me, ending me. You'll be better off without me. Look at what I've done to you'. I tried to tell him suicide is not the answer, we would all be far worse off if he did that. I said it would destroy his family and everyone would blame themselves. I tried to reassure him that the unsecurities he has are not his fault, he cannot help it if things from his childhood have made him feel like this, but it is his responsibility to deal with it. I said I cannot give him the help he needs.

 

The conversation carried on, he said he'd go to counselling if it was the only thing that he could do to save us. I said he needs to go for himself because the low self esteem and insecurity he has is not good for him, if he can address those issues then he would feel much better and he would be more able to deal with situations. He then came back at me with, why should I bother doing it if we aren't going to stay together, I don't want to go through counselling and then have you leave me anyway.

 

I get fuzzy on what was said next, but he asked if he should sleep in the spare room, I said no, because all that would do is make it uncomfortable in the house. I asked whether he thought us living apart for a while would help, he got angry and said, 'no, no I dont think that, it feels like you just poured hot water down my back, I had a hot shiver go through me. If you don't want us to live in the same house, then what's the point, why bother having a relationship, how can we have a relationship if we don't live together.' He then Sat on the sofa and said is there any hope for us? This isn't going to work is it. He then became hysterical and sobbed with his hands over his face. After a few minutes he stopped and said he was sorry over and over again. He then mentioned a local lad who had committed suicide about 6 months ago and said that he had it right. I said no suicide is not the answer. He said its easier.

 

Somehow we got back to counselling, and he said he would go, how soon could I get an appointment.

 

I just don't know what to do. I explained how demanding it is constantly reassuring someone and he seemed to understand. I just don't know if I can or want to live with him while he gets help. I constantly feel sick throughout the day, after I eat and I get really bad headaches. My period this month was practically non existent; the doctor said this is all to so with stress. I feel guilty because he has now agrees to counselling, but deep down I think it's too late for us.

Edited December 10, 2012 by confused1983
typo

[Bodie]

That is a very difficult situation. On one hand he should do it to improve but without the motivation of a relationship it's unlikely he will continue with counselling. but then again you need to look after yourself too because you both can't go down and then if you leave you will feel guilty. I think you both need to see a relationship therapist and that might able to give you the right skills on how best to continue....

[looks2k1ll]

Honestly this guy seems extremely emotionally unstable to a degree where I think you should step back and not take on further responsibility trying to solve this. You are not a licensed medical professional and I think that is who he needs to be seeing and speaking to right now. It's not your burden to keep him alive and that is a very dangerous dynamic to enter into. Good luck. Take care of yourself.