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My loving wife and I have agreed to separate... complications...


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Posted

First off I would like to say hello, I'm new here. My wife and I have a beautiful family (four kids from 7-19 for me, and a 16yr old for her). Recently we agreed to separate, bcuz things,were becoming "toxic" for my wife... A bit of history now. My wife and I have known eachother 20years in May. I was her first love in highschool... We dated a year, but complications between her father and I led to my bowing out then 1993. (Her father had an issue with me dating his daughter because of my skin colour). When then got together again in 1996, everything was as if it had been the day before we last talked... Everything was good, til she found out she was pregnant (not mine... Although I love him as my own)... She stopped calling bcuz she didnt want to put the burden on me... Fast forward a few years later... I'm with the mother of my youngest two, and run into my Angel in a grocery store... Needless to say the gf at that time had nothing nice to say about me ignoring her whilst i spoke with my future wife. Conversation continued as if nothing it was only yesterday we talked... Even though it was 4years... Fastforward to 2007... Im a single father of four, and I happen to find my angel on myspace... We spent three monthes back and forth by fone and textmessage and messaging, before meeting up for coffee.... Needless to say we became inseparable... We married in the summer of 2009. Myself and my wife do not argue... period... We r 4 yrs 4 days apart age wise and are both Aries. We are very similar... Our problems stem from 3 areas... My daughters, my mother and my ex...

 

Up until our engagement my girls and W got along great.. then my oldest came to live with us... She started an issue that slowly started to tear at my marriage. My three girls slowly turned away from my wife ( their mother didnt make it any easier. 5 police involvements plus an assault on my wife). My mother does more with the mothers of my children than she does with my wife... Yet my wife bends over backwards for my mother. Runs errands for her, let her borrow her car when my mom toasted the engine in her car, etc... Then last summer my youngest accused my mother inlaw of hitting her... A huge battle ensued, leading to my mother inlaw moving out of our house.

 

My wife and I are best friends...we love eachother dearly, but she is at a breaking point as far as my messed up family.... And through all of this (3weeks of in home separation so far... And yes we still share the same bed etc.) She still has been nothing but angel to my kids...out doing the christmas shopping for them etc.. we have both agreed to move to separate addresses near to our boys highschools, so as to minimize disrupting the kids lives. Since agreeing to separate, we talk at least 3-4 solid hours a day... We have agreed to both get personal counselling as well as doing marriage counselling when the time comes.... However i am a bundle of emotons right now... We both love eachother dearly, and havea stong mental and physical chemistry... Im afraid though that my family issues may b a deal breaker... Any suggestions?

Posted

Ok I'll give this a crack,

You need to summarize all this gobilty gook you got going on,

Why was your mother in law living with you?

Why is your mother involved in this mess

Is you ex still in the house?

Ultimately you need to simplify and be the man in this situation.

No ex in the house, no mother in law in the house, no mother in the house and it should be you herding these cats not her. Sounds like you dragged this woman in a big pile of crap and are saying " why can't you fix it for me?"

The only people who should be in you and your wifes relationship are those kids, everyone else is a problem you should be dealing with.

Start with:

Mom( or whomever) you need to move out and step back from my family for a while so we can build a functioning household, it not that we don't love you but we have too many people in our relationship right now and I need you to respect me and give us some space.

  • Author
Posted

We both have agreed during our separation to deal with our personal issues - me (my childhood abuse by my stepfather; my mother lying about alot of stuff about my childhood and real father; my anger surrounding those issues) - her ( sexual assaualt when she was younger; her abusive alcoholic father; her unability to let things go). We both believe that dealing with our "demons" will both make us better, more positive people. At best after all this is done we will b better equiped to take our marriage to the next level. At worst two best friends who will always b there emotionally and mentally for eachother. I love this woman dearly and freely, no strings attached. I want her to b happy, im just hoping it will b with me as my wife, partner, equal and confidante. She has stated if we can make progress on our issues, she would hope our relationship can continue. She has no desire to divorce.

 

Everything i have read says we shouldnt reside in the same house, share the same bed, or spend so much time together...however, my wife and in light of everything r still very close friends who have always been able to talk to eachother about everything and anything. So at least til the end of January we r staying together under the same roof. In February, i have agreed to leave her alone, besides two texts a day... Beginning and end of day just to check in. We will not see eachother othet than when she picks up our son from my work at 5. Once march begins we will work out a weekly visit schedule, to get face time and talk about whatever... During that time i am going to continue with training for a half marathon, start my counselling, get my lawyer to reopen the court order for visitation with my two girls, as well as removing direct contact with my ex by way of a restraining order. Im also planning to have two minor corrective surgeries on my jaw. Im hoping by end of year to have all our combined debt paid off. Im hoping by our annivesary in June, that i will b able to start casually dating my wife again.

 

Frustrated and in pain,

BrokenClassA

  • Author
Posted
Ok I'll give this a crack,

You need to summarize all this gobilty gook you got going on,

Why was your mother in law living with you?

Why is your mother involved in this mess

Is you ex still in the house?

Ultimately you need to simplify and be the man in this situation.

No ex in the house, no mother in law in the house, no mother in the house and it should be you herding these cats not her. Sounds like you dragged this woman in a big pile of crap and are saying " why can't you fix it for me?"

The only people who should be in you and your wifes relationship are those kids, everyone else is a problem you should be dealing with.

Start with:

Mom( or whomever) you need to move out and step back from my family for a while so we can build a functioning household, it not that we don't love you but we have too many people in our relationship right now and I need you to respect me and give us some space.

 

My mother inlaw has lived with my wife, ever since being diagnosed with MS 7yrs ago.

My ex has never lived with us.

My wife is bothered that my mother has a more than cordial relationship with my two ex's i have children with. My mother does stuff with them on a regular basis, but in almost 6yrs together, has yet to do anything at all with my wife. I have had several conversations with my mother about how she treats my wife as well as me. Im almost to the point of excluding her from my life.

Im not expecting my wife to fix anything for me, quite the contrary, im trying to see if i can salvage the relationship between my wife and daughters.

Posted

Ok sorry to have gone down the wrong stream there , my dad developed Ms and I understand the care required. Not sure what you can do, it seems like a overly complicated situation, in those I always try to minimize the players and focus on what's important. Seems like you are trying to do the right things but maybe getting some help in the form of a professional conseller would help.

  • Author
Posted
Ok sorry to have gone down the wrong stream there , my dad developed Ms and I understand the care required. Not sure what you can do, it seems like a overly complicated situation, in those I always try to minimize the players and focus on what's important. Seems like you are trying to do the right things but maybe getting some help in the form of a professional conseller would help.

 

No offense taken. Internet makes it hard to gauge things when all facts are not available. In our case, i think it is the waiting part that is driving me crazy... We both know we have stuff to deal with... I think she might need a bit of a push to get started on her stuff, as she has had bad experiences with counselling in the past... Today when she drove me to my consultation appointment for my surgery, she actually forbade me from living at certain places, bcuz she said she wouldnt feel comfortable visiting me at certain places..i responded its not like you have to live there... She responds as things progress she would feel uncomfortable staying over or late....

 

Anyone have a good productive separation where from the get go divorce was never in the cards? How do you cope and deal, besides 1 day at a time?

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