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I (m/29) have just initiated NC with her (f/27) and would love some support.

claypoole

By claypoole
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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claypoole New Member

claypoole

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Hi all,

 

Well, I wrote this for general support and tips on the whole NC thing I see and hear raved about so frequently. I was with my now ex-girlfriend for almost two and a half years, and while things were obviously incredible at one point, this year was essentially something of a train wreck. After months of fearing for my job, watching my friends lose their jobs at the company I had moved to the states for (I'm English), I decided that it was time for me to look elsewhere for work. I spoke to my ex (who I'll just call K from now on) about moving out of Seattle together. She at the time was just a few months into her first nursing job, something which she had spent eight years at school training for, but had huge problems at her place, and so supported me, at least at first. I work in a specialized field, so knew that staying in Seattle was unlikely; I'd also been in touch with a few friends who worked at a very successful competitor in Santa Monica. So we got in touch, and started the interview/screening process.

 

Over the next few months, as this was going on, K went back and forth repeatedly about whether or not she was okay with leaving Seattle. Her family were from Olympia, just an hour south, and she'd only moved to Seattle the year before to live with me. I tried to talk to her about the situation repeatedly, but ended up getting frustrated with her indecision and lack of good arguments for moving to California. She hated LA, but had never gone, and told me she wouldn't be able to get work there, when my basic searches showed me otherwise. Anyway, we fought, and over the course of the summer, our fights got worse and worse. We had two epic fights, in fact, and during one of them, K said something in her head just "snapped". She stopped feeling the same about us, and instead of the great feelings of stress and worry, could think about us apart and feel relief. It was around then that we started counseling. I got some really good tips on communication stuff, and tried really hard to save our relationship, but it was apparently just too late. K started getting closer to a guy from her work, but me, being somewhat desperate at this point, kept on working on our counseling and trusted that things were fine. Eventually, after about two months of external help, K told me that she wanted a break, and started making plans to move out. I was heartbroken, but again, went along with things because I was desperate for everything to work out. She moved out, then the next weekend, went to Vancouver with her colleague, where they had sex. They've since been on a few dates with each other, and have slept together more.

 

Around this time, things with my job offer were gathering pace. I thought about backing out, only to be told by K that if I stayed in Seattle, she would leave. So I accepted the job, and moved to Dublin while waiting for my visa to clear. K has maintained all through this ****ty affair that she's still in love with me, misses me like crazy, and thinks that she just needs time to clear her head and get over our brutal summer before starting things up again. I would obviously love that. There are strong feelings, I think, from both our sides; we went out for dinner a few times before I left Seattle, and one night, ended up in bed together again, where we had our usual incredible sex. Since I left, K has told me she misses me, loves me, and has tried to stay in touch every day. She wants to be friends while she figures her head out. The problem for me is that I can't go from being her boyfriend to friend, especially when she's still going on dates with her colleague. So a couple of nights ago, after she'd been on another date with him, I decided to break contact. I deleted her from Facebook, told her I was going to stop talking to her, and that if she ever figures her head out, she's welcome to get in touch and see if I'm still interested.

 

Today is vaguely day 2, although we texted once today and spoke briefly yesterday. I have reached for my phone so many times today to see how she's doing and tell her I miss her, but I've also felt incredibly angry about the way she's been, particularly during the Vancouver trip. I'm writing this to keep my hands away from my phone, basically, and would love some thoughts and tips if you good people have any.

 

Thank you for reading. Sorry for any typing errors.

 

C

coffeebean201 Established Member

coffeebean201

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She sounds very reluctant to move - perhaps to stay close to her family.

 

Hard to say if the guy at work is a serious dating interest or not.

 

If your career dictates you moving to a certain place - then there isn't much choice for you. Perhaps when things fizzle out with the new guy she might be more open to moving.

 

If she wants to be successful in a new city, she has to want to make new friends etc.

 

Sounds like it has been an incredible struggle filled with disappointment. Sorry to hear that.

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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Okay, so she gets to screw her co-workers and expects you to be a really good friend while she gets to run around and "figure herself out" which apparently involves having sex with her co-workers to figure sh*t out.

 

Okay, does that sound stupid to anyone else? Look, if you were the "one" for her, she would never even consider sleeping with anyone else. That's how you have to remember and think about before you pick that phone to text her.

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loversquarrel Established Member

loversquarrel

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Hey claypoole, I feel your pain. I have been going back and forth with my girlfriend of 5 yrs trying to "figure" things out in my head. I came from a bad marriage and have major trust issues, so get cold feet at times. Just this past week I initiated no contact with her so I could see if I miss her the way I should. I love her but don't know if i'm "in" love with her. Well...it lasted about a day and just felt very unnatural to just stop talking or texting her.

 

I think it all depends on the reasons why....your situation is a bit different and I think you are handling it the way you should. It's going to be difficult but you have to take care of you. Maintaining contact with your ex will only hurt you more and give her the ability to string you along. Give it a few weeks and if this girl misses you as much as she claims, she will find her way back to you. I promise.

Gottabestrong Established Member

Gottabestrong

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Hey Clay,

this sucks. You are officially on a break, but she is sleeping with someone else? And you are okay with that?

 

Could it be that your emotions are clouding your judgement or are you really willing to give it another try even though she is still sleeping with someone else?

 

My advice would be to stay away from her. I assume you have told her everything you wanted to say in your last contact with her. Now you need to focus on yourself. Unless you have left out some information in your story about how you cheated on her, dumped her, were a horrible boyfriend, etc. you should not be okay with her behavior.

 

Please take some time to focus on yourself and think about what you want, and whether being with someone who asks you for a break and then sleeps with someone else a few days later is part of that.

 

Stay strong!

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claypoole New Member

claypoole

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Hey Clay,

this sucks. You are officially on a break, but she is sleeping with someone else? And you are okay with that?

 

Could it be that your emotions are clouding your judgement or are you really willing to give it another try even though she is still sleeping with someone else?

 

My advice would be to stay away from her. I assume you have told her everything you wanted to say in your last contact with her. Now you need to focus on yourself. Unless you have left out some information in your story about how you cheated on her, dumped her, were a horrible boyfriend, etc. you should not be okay with her behavior.

 

Please take some time to focus on yourself and think about what you want, and whether being with someone who asks you for a break and then sleeps with someone else a few days later is part of that.

 

Stay strong!

 

Hi guys. Just wanted to thank you all for your messages. They mean a lot and put a good deal of perspective on this whole thing.

 

To answer your questions, we were only really on a break for about a week, then she went off to Vancouver and hooked up with her colleague. She set the terms for the break, and insisted that we both be allowed to sleep with other people, except, of course, I didn't want to. After they, we met and decided that a break was stupid, so just ended it, though we stayed in touch. I never cheated on K, though when I knew she was off having her shenanigans in Canada, I went out with friends, got horribly drunk, and took an ex back home. I regretted it the next day, but when I told her, SHE got angry at me for taking someone back to our old apartment. That annoyed me a fair bit.

 

Her whole level of upset comes from her feeling as though I essentially ignored her during our fights this summer. We spoke a great deal about everything, and it's true that I did get frustrated. I lost my patience for her being endlessly upset, and begged her for a few days of normal so that we could break the cycle of endless fighting. But there was no infidelity on my part, and she knew that I would never cheat on her.

 

NC hasn't exactly gone to plan so far. We've spoken every day, though just via a couple of texts instead of phone chats. Always her initiating them. Last night I came home to these texts:

 

K: :( I miss you. That's all I'm going to say. I know you dont want to talk to me and I need to respect that. I'm trying. I'm just really lonely. I do miss you.

K: If I stopped seeing *colleague*, would you still talk to me?

 

We chatted for a bit. I told her I wouldn't, because the whole point of me not talking to her was to fix my understanding of us in my head, realize we're no longer a couple, and actually deal with what's happened.

 

I feel angry when I think about what she did. I also feel sad and remember the good times we had. I feel as though we're fundamentally a good couple who ran into rough waters and didn't know how to deal with it. Part of me wants her back, but part of me feels as though the actions she took (which she refuses to apologize for) are indicative of a character flaw that could reappear in our relationship.

 

Clay

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Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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WTF DUDE!!!! She wanted the break but INSISTED that you both were able to sleep with other people. She want to screw this guy from the jump and she was going to do it whether you liked it or not. She wasted NO TIME getting in the sack with this dude. That weekend was planned out long before "the break" and she knew EXACTLY what she wanted to do. So, how convenent that the break coincided with her weekend trip away! :sick:

 

She wanted the break so she didn't have to feel guilty about cheating. Because, guess what? WE WERE ON A BREAK!! So, it doesn't count! We weren't together! Don't you LOVE technicalities!!!

 

And she got mad because you hooked up with an Ex? Well.....GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! She thought that you were so tightly wrapped around her little finger that you wouldn't have the BALLS to do something like that. Never even occured to her that you could do that. Because you're such a "nice guy" and such a good little cuckold. And you would be waiting for her with open arms once she returned from her little screwfest up north.

 

Drop this chick like a bad habit.......grrr....this got me spun up!!!

  • Like 5
flitzanu Established Member

flitzanu

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pay attention to what Chi is saying here.

veggirl Established Member

veggirl

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She is a cheater ("break" or not) and she is STILL seeing the guy!!?? :eek::eek: but asking you to be her backup, pretty much. You wouldn't even have a way to verify she wasn't still with that guy.

 

good rule of thumb, I think, is if you have to enter COUNSELING with somone you are just dating...the relationship is not gonna work, you are just NOT compatible. Counseling after only 2 yrs of being together? No no no no.

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Bumaga vsyo sterpit Established Member

Bumaga vsyo sterpit

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Lmfao. Doooooooode.

 

You did so much wrong, that I don't know how to touch on this trainwreck with a ten-foot pole. It's one in the morning. I'll get back to ya tomorrow.

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claypoole New Member

claypoole

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Lmfao. Doooooooode.

 

You did so much wrong, that I don't know how to touch on this trainwreck with a ten-foot pole. It's one in the morning. I'll get back to ya tomorrow.

 

Please do. Getting input from you guys is definitely helping me. I've been doing okay for the most part, but from time to time, like now, I really miss her. I miss the old version of us, obviously, and the sense of companionship that comes with that. I just want her to realize that she's ****ed up, and ask for forgiveness. I pretty much decided yesterday that the only way we'd ever become friends in the future (nevermind anything more!) would require her to apologise for Vancouver and everything regarding that time. She's a brutally honest woman, and told me that her feelings were changing as we were fighting, but it still upsets me a great deal that she would involve someone else in our relationship.

 

It's been about four days since we spoke. This NC thing is HARD.

 

Clay

flitzanu Established Member

flitzanu

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Please do. Getting input from you guys is definitely helping me. I've been doing okay for the most part, but from time to time, like now, I really miss her. I miss the old version of us, obviously, and the sense of companionship that comes with that. I just want her to realize that she's ****ed up, and ask for forgiveness. I pretty much decided yesterday that the only way we'd ever become friends in the future (nevermind anything more!) would require her to apologise for Vancouver and everything regarding that time. She's a brutally honest woman, and told me that her feelings were changing as we were fighting, but it still upsets me a great deal that she would involve someone else in our relationship.

 

It's been about four days since we spoke. This NC thing is HARD.

 

Clay

 

NC is both the hardest, and the most liberating thing a person can do. honestly during my issue way back when, i wish i'd went NC from day 1 iinstead of making all the mistakes i see everyone here doing.

Kissjen New Member

Kissjen

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I think you are lonely. It's. not that you want k back but you miss the companionship.

After one week of break having sex with another man is crazy. I mean even if you guys ended relationship, she shouldn't be that easy to move on to having sex with another guy if she was sincere with you.

What disgusts me is that she texts u that she misses you.

You need to move on clay

Edited by Kissjen
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claypoole New Member

claypoole

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I know I do. I'm trying, really. NC tonight was the hardest so far. And you're right - I do miss companionship, but I've also dated a fair bit and feel that what we had was something special. Of course, the next relationship I have will likely be similar in that regard, but the tenderness that I feel for K now is still definitely there, along with the anger.

 

I've known her for a good few years now, and she's always been a woman with issues. Her body image was always off, but she also had confidence issues which seemed to be best muted when she was complimented. I wonder sometimes if she just started getting that from her colleague, although she swears that they only started getting close once things between her and I went down the toilet. A few years ago, she broke up with her then boyfriend of 4 years, and slept with another man the next day, so her behaviour is not unprecedented. Still she's never technically cheated on anyone, although I feel her actions with both myself and her previous partner I mentioned got about as close as humanly possible. I think she needs professional help regarding her body/confidence issues, and she agrees. That was funnily enough one of the points of the whole break: that she'd have more time to see a therapist and fix her head, but she only went once.

 

I'm sure everything I'm telling you is making you scream "RUN. THE. CRAP. AWAY!" at the screen, and you're probably right. I'm sure that in the fullness of time I'll kick myself for dragging my feet and feeling so down over this, but my heart feels saddened and there were times when K was really an incredible partner to me.

 

Still, onwards and upwards. Thanks for your comments.

 

Clay

loversquarrel Established Member

loversquarrel

Posted
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This girl isn't brutally honest, she's brutally deceitful. Her breaks were planned, and she clearly has issues here that you are now beginning to feel. Her reactions scream of selfishness and ego. She hasn't apologised to you because you, in her mind, have done something to her. She is blaming you for her actions and is masking cheating with technicalities. I know its hard and it sucks, but you won't get an apology, or closure. She wants you to be her fall back in order to relieve her feelings of lonliness, control and abandonment. Her texts are devised to manipulate and keep you in place. Look up info on borderline, histrionic and narcissistic disorders and you will discover what she is all about.

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