Taking a break - success stories?

[everythingwentblack]

Hey guys, new here and just want to see if people have had successful breaks in their relationships. A lot of things I've found online are very negative about a break, but I believe they can be beneficial. I am in one right now, I don't want to give details right now because I want this to be objective (your experiences with breaks rather than advice on mine.) I'm optimistic about us though because we're both very smart, in love, and the break is to make ourselves better in order to strengthen the relationship. It's not to see other people, it's about our independent selves.

 

If you have a negative view on breaks, and have been dumped by someone who thought "taking a break" was a nicer way of dumping you, please state that -- a bad experience with a break doesn't mean all breaks are bad. That happened to me in my last relationship so I was very anxious about this one, so I understand it sucks but I do believe it can be different.

 

I promise to follow up on mine for anyone else going through something similar. Thank you!

[Beets]

I dated a guy for a two years total. Right after the one year mark, he proposed a break because we just began living together and he wanted to "focus on himself." I was so anxious and scared about it that I kept questioning and questioning it. Two days into the break (because I kept pestering him about the definition of the break) he officially broke up with me.

 

We got back together a little over a month later because he said he couldn't stop thinking about me and he truly loved me. I found out that the break was really not an easy way to break up with me, but because I kept pestering him, it led to a break up. HOWEVER, I also learned with time (after we got back together) that he was trying to teach me a lesson by having a break. I feel a guy that puts the status of our relationship on hold to teach me a lesson isn't a guy worth keeping. I don't know if your guy may be doing to same thing! Doesn't sound like it though.

 

But, in that relationship, a break did not intentionally equal a break-up (although it led to one). So, you never know!

[judithlove]

if you love him dont take a brake. it will lead to hurt him and it hurts to have a brake

[mortensorchid]

I don't buy this "taking a break" business. It was something invented for that TV show Friends. I've had 2 guys in the past who said that they wanted to do just that. One was the man who broke my heart 10 years ago, and about ten minutes into the break he broke it off. Then about 2 years ago I was with on guy for about two months. He too said he wanted to take a break, we got together one more time and then we more or less never spoke again save for a few text messages.

 

Once that starts, taking a break or breaking up and getting back together it's a rocky road you're going down which will eventually lead to an end.

[Carenth]

Too me "taking a break" is a way of saying I want too play the field and have you as a backup in case I don't find anything better. So hang around and wait for me until I decide too come back (btw you are dumped if I find something better).

 

Basically it's seeking permission to seek out other partners even if both parties "mutually agree" not too see other people. If and or when one partner finds someone else they can use the guilt free card going "but we were on a break".

Edited December 10, 2012 by Carenth

[everythingwentblack]

Thanks for the replies guys. Just to clarify, I'm a guy and she's a girl, but I don't think that really matters. I trust her more than anyone and if she ever had a feeling of wanting to explore other people, she'd tell me, so that's where we're at. In that case, I'd break it off, because I deserve better than that. However I'm wondering if that would be the right path -- cut her out of my life completely and forever at that point, or end it on good terms with the possibility of her coming back in a year or two realizing she gave up something she shouldn't have?

 

Thank you Beets, that does provide some good insight. I think the biggest problem with breaks is that people don't know how to handle them, and either cut off all communication, or constantly pester their partner. Right now I'm giving her time and space to think and collect her thoughts, while still being here if she wants to talk (I don't text or message her first, if she's ready to talk she'll talk to me.) That said, I'm not the type of person to be put on the back burner, so if it gets ridiculously long I'm out.

Edited December 10, 2012 by everythingwentblack

[GLDheart]

Something seems off... If SHE wants to take a break I would take serious stock in the situation. In my experience women are VERY possesive about thier man and are also very wary of competition...

 

Taking a break is her callously opening the door for trouble... The only way she would risk her future with you is if she really doesn't care if she has a future with you.

[Beets]

I think you are definitely doing the right thing by not perstering her. However, this does come as a surprise that she is one proposing this break.

 

I really dont think breaks automatically mean she wants to play the field. I think there are have to be other factors in her decision for wanting this break. Do you know them? This is the hard part because PLEASE do NOT pester her. She may feel scared of you guy's relationship progressing too fast and losing independence (my ex's reason) or just needs to clear her head of relationship drama (if any exists).

 

I must say though, most of my girl friends that face relationship issues/drama or are happily in long-distance relationships have never suggested a break with their respective boys when they were truly happy. I agree with GLDheart. Girls know good guys are hard to find, so none of my friends have taken the risk of a break when they were dead-set on having a future with them. Did this come out of the blue to you?

[everythingwentblack]

Something seems off... If SHE wants to take a break I would take serious stock in the situation. In my experience women are VERY possesive about thier man and are also very wary of competition...

 

Taking a break is her callously opening the door for trouble... The only way she would risk her future with you is if she really doesn't care if she has a future with you.

 

I get what you mean, but I get the feeling that most people's concept of a woman is dependent, as you're saying. She is very independent, and has made it clear that she definitely intends on being with me again, and has assured me that this is just a break. Half of this is making herself better for her own self, half of it is making herself better for the benefit of our relationship -- I'd much rather be dating someone who's happy and comfortable on their own than someone who needs me to provide that.

 

I think you are definitely doing the right thing by not perstering her. However, this does come as a surprise that she is one proposing this break.

 

I really dont think breaks automatically mean she wants to play the field. I think there are have to be other factors in her decision for wanting this break. Do you know them? This is the hard part because PLEASE do NOT pester her. She may feel scared of you guy's relationship progressing too fast and losing independence (my ex's reason) or just needs to clear her head of relationship drama (if any exists).

 

I must say though, most of my girl friends that face relationship issues/drama or are happily in long-distance relationships have never suggested a break with their respective boys when they were truly happy. I agree with GLDheart. Girls know good guys are hard to find, so none of my friends have taken the risk of a break when they were dead-set on having a future with them. Did this come out of the blue to you?

 

Pretty much out of the blue, though I do remember a couple weeks ago I told her I needed some time on my own (because we were spending a lot of time together and I needed to get some stuff done) and she got upset. I think the fact that she got upset could be contributing to this. She also moved to my city a few months ago, so she doesn't have a lot of her own friends here, most of them are mine. So I definitely understand her wanting to be more independent, and I agree that she should be. We're still in love and didn't have any arguments leading up to this at all. She's made it clear she doesn't want to lose me at all, and wants to be a better person so she can be a better girlfriend as well.

Edited December 10, 2012 by everythingwentblack

[Beets]

That really makes sense then! If she truly is a very independent person (and you're not reasoning with yourself to make yourself feel better), then that is exactly what she is doing!

 

She may have realized she is unhappy because she is so dependent on you. When you two had that talk concerning you needing to get stuff done, she may have realized she was not being herself and being entirely too dependent on you for her happiness. Because she is an independent person, she needs to fix this in herself to make herself happy again. Only then can she be happy in the relationship.

 

She sounds like a smart girl. I would just be there for her when she want you and wait for her to become herself again. It's so nerve-racking moving cities in the first place! Plus, if she made this move just for you (or to just be with you), then she could feel like she is losing herself. Does any of this fit? Or am I just rambling? I don't know. But this seems the make sense to me.

[everythingwentblack]

That really makes sense then! If she truly is a very independent person (and you're not reasoning with yourself to make yourself feel better), then that is exactly what she is doing!

 

She may have realized she is unhappy because she is so dependent on you. When you two had that talk concerning you needing to get stuff done, she may have realized she was not being herself and being entirely too dependent on you for her happiness. Because she is an independent person, she needs to fix this in herself to make herself happy again. Only then can she be happy in the relationship.

 

She sounds like a smart girl. I would just be there for her when she want you and wait for her to become herself again. It's so nerve-racking moving cities in the first place! Plus, if she made this move just for you (or to just be with you), then she could feel like she is losing herself. Does any of this fit? Or am I just rambling? I don't know. But this seems the make sense to me.

 

I'm so glad I found someone who can understand, it's just so hard to put her into words, there's so many things that make it different from other breaks I've heard of on the internet and in real life.

 

I was one of the reasons she moved, but also she needed to move anyway - she wasn't growing where she was living and she was surrounded by people who weren't as driven to succeed as her; it was stagnant. We fell in love while she lived there, she had already been thinking about moving somewhere, and it just worked.

 

She's one of the most independent people I know, she's lived on her own for years and when things were bad she even lived in her car for a couple weeks. She's the type to do group projects on her own (we're both in college) and stuff like that.

[Beets]

I know what you mean! I think that is why I freaked out when my ex wanted a break -- because everywhere else on the internet says that it is because they want to sleep around. So NOT true. People are more complex than that.

 

The examples of her city being stagnant and her sleeping in the car makes me feel as though you honestly do not have anything to worry about in the least bit. She is very independent and purpose-driven! Honestly, if she is so purpose-driven and independent, then she must really want to get back to her old independent self.

 

With my 2-yr relationship, I noticed that as I felt more comfortable and secure with him, my happiness also began to get more dependent on him. And while the love and security are great feelings, the feeling of losing your independent was like a hole in my chest. I think its so hard for people, girls especially, to not lose their independence when you really fall in love with someone. It happened to me, and I wish I would have been strong enough to ask for a break to gain it back.

 

I wish you luck! This girl sounds like she knows exactly what she has to do to make herself and you guys relationship better. Even if she isn't great at explaining it. I hope this helped.

[everythingwentblack]

Definitely helps, thank you very much! It really helps me form my perspective.

 

One thing I'm still confused about is that she still wants to hang out. She wants to see what it's like to be friends without being in a relationship (again she emphasized temporariness.) If I were the one wanting a break for my independence, I wouldn't want to see her for a little bit, so I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not to hang out during the break.

[Beets]

My only reasoning behind that is that she is making an excuse by saying she is testing you guy's "friendship" rather than admitting she misses the hell out of you.

 

I'm sorry, I don't know about that one. I recently broke up with a guy that I know is entirely wrong for me (but he very well knows of its non-temporariness) and of whom I very much do not love, but just merely like. I agreed to hang out with him, and I would have initiated the hang out if he hadn't, just because I missed his presence. I was lonely and I wanted his company. She is still a girl after all, so this may be a major factor in this. She wants her cake of gaining her independence and eat it too by having you around when she wants.

 

As a girl, I would want you around for me. It's terrible to say, but I want to KNOW I am in control of the situation... terrible, I know. But its a comfort thing. I think that if she indeed loves you, then she would not accidentally or purposefully friend-zone you. However, you being there for her will likely prolong this phase of hers. I think if you love her, you SHOULD be there for her, but (for your own sanity and value) I also think you shouldn't be there. She cannot be truly independent unless you are not around. Maybe you should go no contact with her, but make her FULLY aware of what you are doing (allowing her to find herself, gain herself) and why (so that it can be genuine). Seriously, be as clear and direct as possible. Do not leave her with any questions or confusion about what you are doing. Also, say you will be there for sure when she is done and you think this is best for both of you guys. This would make the relationship playing field equal.

 

Mind you, you don't have to do this at all. I know this would be so hard to do, especially when you dont know if its the "correct" route. My girl friends always say "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours." Makes sense here, I think.

[veggirl]

Worst idea ever. You're prob on your way to being dumped. I've never known someone who successfully took a "break". You are either on or you're off...I take it you guys are off. Sorry but there isn't a gray area with this for me.

 

She is using you tbh...wants the comforts (calls and hang outs) of a relationship without having to commit to one. Real nice.

 

You should tell her, take until X date (a month perhaps) to "collect your thoughts" (the fk does that even mean?!) and let me know then what you want--a relationship with me or to be single. And don't talk to her during that time. Seriously, demand some respect...she is walking all over you and you're letting her!

[Beets]

I have to agree with veggirl on the plan of action, but breaks do not always equal break-ups for sure.

 

I think a month is a good amount of time to make a decision. You don't want to scare her off, but I have to agree that she is definitely using you for her own comfort.

[bitterruin]

A break means the same as a breakup. You're gonna need to move on with your life as if it is permanent, don't expect her to come back.

Ask for a few months of NC, at least two I would say, if after that time she calls you and still wants to be with you then great. If not, continue moving on with your life.

 

I tried a break with my partner of five years, I wanted a complete breakup, he couldn't handle that and proposed a break. We started going to couple's counseling and continued to sleep together and hang out together, until during one of the sessions he told me the relationship was over and this was no longer a break. I logged into his facebook account and he was talking to somebody else. Save yourself that pain and start running now.

[everythingwentblack]

Worst idea ever. You're prob on your way to being dumped. I've never known someone who successfully took a "break". You are either on or you're off...I take it you guys are off. Sorry but there isn't a gray area with this for me.

 

She is using you tbh...wants the comforts (calls and hang outs) of a relationship without having to commit to one. Real nice.

 

You should tell her, take until X date (a month perhaps) to "collect your thoughts" (the fk does that even mean?!) and let me know then what you want--a relationship with me or to be single. And don't talk to her during that time. Seriously, demand some respect...she is walking all over you and you're letting her!

 

If what she wants is to feel strong and independent again, do you really think me putting a timeframe on when she needs to feel like that again would work?

 

Also just want to throw in, one of my best friends has been in a long-term relationship for a long time with a couple breaks, they are very happy and independent.

 

If she is using me for the comfort without being in a relationship like you say, I strongly believe it's not intentional - but it still could very well be what is going on.

[Carenth]

Every couple I have known who took "breaks" ended up in some weird on again, off again situation which greatly deteriorated over time, ended up hurting each other greatly until one of them got sick of the pattern and snaps. Or they simply just broke up very shortly after going on said "break".

 

Breaks are a preamble to a break up, more like an exacerbated death rattle because one or both parties are not ready to let go but know that deep down their relationship is not working for whatever reason.

 

I could be very wrong, all I'm saying is prepare for the worst so you are not shocked if (more likely when) she ends up with someone else or dumping you.

Edited December 10, 2012 by Carenth

[pbjbear]

Im not really sure why this theme of women being dependent on men is in this thread. I really hate generalizations like that. Not all women are that way and I do know several men that constantly need to have girlfriends so men are guilty of being dependent as well.

 

I have had a few gf's ask for breaks in their relationship...really? Whats with all the stereotypes?

[veggirl]

If what she wants is to feel strong and independent again, do you really think me putting a timeframe on when she needs to feel like that again would work?

 

Also just want to throw in, one of my best friends has been in a long-term relationship for a long time with a couple breaks, they are very happy and independent.

 

If she is using me for the comfort without being in a relationship like you say, I strongly believe it's not intentional - but it still could very well be what is going on.

 

So the plan is to wait around indefinitely? Well whatever makes you happy, then.

[everythingwentblack]

So the plan is to wait around indefinitely? Well whatever makes you happy, then.

 

Nah, I really don't like that idea, I just don't know what to do to help. It's been a week on the break so far, I think in another week I'm going to talk with her about it and see how she's feeling about it, and if she needs more time I'm going to have to assert the risk of never being able to be with her again. I know she wouldn't want that to happen, and I wouldn't either, but I can't be kept in uncertainty for too long. I think I'll suggest that I'd be willing to still be in a relationship with her but with us spending more time on our own, and we work through it while in a relationship. It's just the uncertainty that kills me.

[Divasu]

For me, once. But we're not together at this juncture, so I don't know if that counts.

 

The relationship lasted several years, if that is any consolation, and it officially ended on very good terms.

[everythingwentblack]

Just wanted to update people on this, in case anyone is going through something similar -- it was a break for 2 weeks, then she thought it'd be best to break up so I wouldn't be kept in limbo. It was a good call, at first I was resistant of course because of emotions, but it allows me the time to heal rather than worrying all the time. The future is not a yes or a no, as it's naturally a confusing thing. I found myself thinking about that constantly for a while, but now that school has started again, I have a lot to keep me busy.

 

Now, a month after the start of the break, I'm feeling better about it. Today's been the best day so far (school just started) and I believe I've crossed a threshold of healing. What we had was amazing, and it would be really cool to have that again, but as other people have said, if it's meant to be, it'll happen.

 

In case this can help anyone else, the way I deal with all my problems is confronting the emotions and struggling through them, as opposed to finding hookups or rebound relationships, or drinking or doing drugs. I also avoided coffee for a month to keep my anxiety at bay. I've talked through it with friends, gone NC after we hung out last weekend to discuss how it was going (she was hostile but I don't blame her; humans aren't logical), and been doing things to shift the focus to myself. I've also been talking to other girls.

 

Thanks to everyone who's contributed to this thread. One of my mistakes was that we'd get together every weekend to talk about how the break was going, but I would keep asking how she feels about our relationship, which probably made her feel more trapped. If I was in her position I would've done the same thing knowing I was putting my partner through pain.

 

One of my favorite sayings behind my life force is "sh*t goes in, sh*t comes out." If you put little effort into bettering yourself and getting over your significant other, even if there is any possibility of a future, you will get that same effort spit back in your face. Take control and punch pain in the face. I know it's easier said than done, but try it for a day, keep it going the rest of the week, and do it until you've done it for a month. After a while you'll come out better than you've ever been.

[sabre80]

I have a great "Taking a break" success story. I was dating this woman. I was the first person she dated after her divorce. After 3 months she says she did not want to start growing resentful of me because she did not get a chance to casually date around. But was afraid of loosing me (I suppose she expected me to wait around while she played the field). She suggested taking some indefinite time apart. I said sure. So we took a break. Few weeks later I found someone better. SUCCESS!