How to keep a guy interested without putting out

[Drseussgrrl]

Haha. Well he was cute and nice but he talked about himself ad nauseum. By the end of our date I knew how many pull-ups he could do, in addition to where he buys his expensive suits. I really wish guys didn't think they had to try so hard. While trying to impress me he missed out on some real opportunities to connect with me.

 

Think I'm passing this one up.

[Under The Radar]

It was sickening indeed.

 

This is what I wore on my last date: Gemma wrap dress - Polyvore

 

I think I looked low-key, yet cute and not unsexy either. There was this woman prob in her 50s who was dressed like a slut with her husband in a table nearby and my guy looked with rolling eyes. I mean, there's nothing wrong to want to feel sexy for her husband but on a date men do notice when you're dressed like a tramp lol.

 

I'm gonna take a wild stab in the dark here, but somehow I think you'd look better in THAT dress than me .

[Under The Radar]

Haha. Well he was cute and nice but he talked about himself ad nauseum. By the end of our date I knew how many pull-ups he could do, in addition to where he buys his expensive suits. I really wish guys didn't think they had to try so hard. While trying to impress me he missed out on some real opportunities to connect with me.

 

Think I'm passing this one up.

 

 

I can do 4 pullups ... 5 if I get a boost . Although, come to think of it, I often try to hide that fact.

 

And, MY suits are all from Men's Wearhouse . However, I do have a really nice adidas track suit.

[edgygirl]

Oh my. Sorry to hear. I had a similar date this year, this lawyer talked about himself for two hours including details on how ALL his exes cheated on him and that he is traumatized. It won the prize of worst date ever. I thought about telling him that if he tried to connect with people and not only talk about himself, perhaps his relationships would work better.

 

It's funny how men try to impress and end up doing the exact opposite. Well, next.

 

Haha. Well he was cute and nice but he talked about himself ad nauseum. By the end of our date I knew how many pull-ups he could do, in addition to where he buys his expensive suits. I really wish guys didn't think they had to try so hard. While trying to impress me he missed out on some real opportunities to connect with me.

 

Think I'm passing this one up.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I know women generally work today. My point is, in my city, you can't have a baby if you don't make at least 100K plus, collectively or one of the partners. To be more realistic, if you don't want to eat ramen everyday, in my city you should be making at least 150K to be able to have one baby.

 

 

I had one when I was virtually homeless, unemployed and single. As she grew up, I started a business and grew it to be quite a success; also ended up marrying her father when she was 5 and having a good run of family life there.

 

I would NOT recommend my path. I was a mess, but it is really not necessary to be "wealthy" to have a good life that includes children, either.

[musemaj11]

Hey I agree with you. Love matters much more.

The difference between a gold digger and me is: I would NEVER ever be with a man only because he has money. Honestly prefer to be single or die. At least in my case the ONLY reason I would like someone somewhat stable is kids INDEED. Believe it or not. In my city it's crazy expensive to have kids. There's no way that both can work if you don't have 2K a month for day care. That's exactly what it costs, I know from friends who have kids. Yes, it costs like a second rent to have a kid here.

 

So no I could care less about the lifestyle associated with having a guy with money. Seriously. I mean it.

Are you saying no one else in your city is having a baby unless the husband is making $100k?

 

I really wonder where you live ...

[edgygirl]

I live in a place where a frickin studio rent costs minimum 22K a year. But it's not like you want to live with a husband and a baby in a 400SF studio right? Poor people might do it, I prefer not to. I can't, psychologically.

 

I made more or less 100k on last job. But I could only save max 1K a month after taxes and bills. If I had a baby, I would be living check by check and if I lost my job, I would be homeless, lol. It's a beautiful concept to have a baby being poor and or homeless but somehow I don't think I could pull that up. I know poor people have 5 babies and make it, but I can't imagine myself doing that and my friends are not people who do that. It's not that I am a weirdo. It's the typical thing for people that live the life I do.

 

Some couples I know both work and manage to have 1 kid. Yeah I don't know many couples who do more than 1. But I see how much they work when the husband doesn't make enough money as in at least 100k. It's really super hard. And well, there's a husband there, at least. In my case... ugh.

 

I live in one of the most expensive US cities if not the most. But if I go to another city by myself, I won't make enough money because there are not many jobs in my profession in smaller cities. I am not even sure I'd be able to find a job in more affordable cities.

 

And I think it is also cultural... the more you're educated, the less you'll have children. Which is prob where I am in the society stratum.

 

giving up......... unless I find someone with a decent income. can't believe this is happening to me.

 

Are you saying no one else in your city is having a baby unless the husband is making $100k?

 

I really wonder where you live ...

[xxoo]

giving up......... unless I find someone with a decent income. can't believe this is happening to me.

 

edgy, are kids really a priority for you? I'm your age, and I know at least one woman who started a family in her 40s, but it isn't exactly common or easy to do so.

[edgygirl]

Well it was up to now. But dating these guys who are either:

 

1. uninteresting; 2. guys who are a-okay but I don't have the capacity to fall for (as the last one I dated for a year and realized I couldn't do it as I'd be settling and maybe miserable in the future); 3. interesting but not into committing or looking for a relationship; 4. jerks

 

My expectations are dwindling day by day...

 

I could have started a family with this guy I broke up earlier this year, he was 6 years younger and crazy about me but I didn't feel it. I think it's best not to go for someone you're not that into. I almost did it but bailed last minute.

 

If I found someone like that but that I was really into now, I would do it in a heart bit. But seems like I need too much luck meeting someone I really like or to settle for less than I expected, love-wise.

 

edgy, are kids really a priority for you? I'm your age, and I know at least one woman who started a family in her 40s, but it isn't exactly common or easy to do so.

[edgygirl]

My mom had me at my age. I don't see it as an impossible thing. The problem is I haven't met the right guy, not my age.

[musemaj11]

Personally I dont think anyone should settle for less than her/his ideal wish. But the more that you want, the harder it is to get it. So if you wished to have it all and failed, you probably are aiming higher than you can reach. It's no one else's fault.

 

Also, women need to realize that men want different things. Just because you make $80k, doesnt mean you deserve a man who makes $100k. Men value your youth and beauty more than your bank account. In reality, a 25 year old attractive woman making $40k will have a much higher chance landing a man making $100k than a 40 year old woman making $80k.

 

Its the same with men. An unattractive man making $100k will have a much higher chance landing a young and beautiful woman than a handsome man making $40k.

 

Mating is like hunting. You have to know your prey and use the right bait.

[edgygirl]

I haven't had any problem attracting guys who make that kind of money (and are handsome, educated etc), even at my age. In fact I have a date next week with a blue eyed 6' cardiologist lol. He could certainly get a 25 yo right? But some people prefer brains as well. What I have had problems with is finding a guy who is stable, but also soul-mate material. But I understand now most men don't care at all how much a woman makes or if she is successful professionaly. It took me years to understand that just because women instinctively want a stable man professionaly, that's not what a man wants or needs - we are indeed programmed differently biologically.

 

The things I say about money is because me -and most women- are strategists and I'm being real about what would it take having a baby. It's a shame but when I was younger and as you imply my value was higher in the eyes of men like yourself, I wasn't into settling down at all. But honestly I think although we are biologically programmed to want certain things, it's not that black and white. I have always preferred men who are into someone's brains more than anything and found quite a few. I've been married briefly to one, younger than me, rich family, super handsome and 6'3. So your theory goes down the drain no?

[Carenth]

Edgy are you seriously implying that 25 year olds don't have brains? Pretty broad brush you are painting with there, I would be insulted however I know that is complete crap.

 

This cardiologist wouldn't be the same doctor you are talking about in the other thread who has no discernible interest in you, except for when hes feeling a bit lonely? Yet you insist on trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. As I've said I have a lot of friends who are doctors and if they are single and 40 they are for a reason, mostly because they enjoy playing the field. Let me know when you tie him down ok?

Edited December 15, 2012 by Carenth

[edgygirl]

I am implying that if a guy who is around 40 SOLELY looks for 25 yo as it's being implied here, he does have an emotional issue. Someone who is 40 is much more mature than most people in their 20s, it is just not the same world view and communication and interests. I am not interested in this kind of guy anyway.

 

And no, the cardio is not the guy you're referring to. Never met him. Just a coincidence that he's a doc too. Apparently I am attracting them for some reason, it's the 4th doc I go out this year, haha.

 

This guy I'm seeing soon put in his online profile that if someone thinks he has an issue for not being married at his age, it is because he was locked up in a library studying for almost 30 years. Obviously most people who have not been married at this age have SOME issue. But I am not looking for perfect.

Edited December 15, 2012 by edgygirl

[Carenth]

Thanks for the clarification, 4th one this year maybe you should start avoiding doctors, I'm seeing a pattern forming.

 

Then again I seem to attract girls from a particular field as well... the amount of lawyers I've dated is kind of disturbing when I think about it...

[edgygirl]

ps: me and the guy you are talking about (and yes, who caused me writing this thread), are BOTH confused about our interest in each other, because we don't live in the same city and we haven't had the chance to interact in real life that much to understand if we are emotionally compatible. Why? because we jumped into bed right when we met (hence this post) but it was both my fault and his fault - he didn't force anything, it was mutual. It's not as if he was looking to get laid. It happened and it's obvious we both feel confused about it. And yes, we are both feeling lonely sometimes and obviously it contributes to us reaching out to each other. I don't see what is the big problem with it, I think most relationships after your 30s and 40s are formed because people don't want to be lonely.

 

It's not like I know I want him for sure and he doesn't, and it's not like he only reaches out when he's lonely as you're implying. It's just that the way our relationship went, we don't know if there's more there (emotionally and compatibility-wise) than wanting to be with someone cause we're feeling lonely and having attraction for each other. And not living in the same city, it's hard to tell if it's worth the effort to hang out and find out if there is something there.

[edgygirl]

Yes last year was my lawyer year as well haha. Until I realized I usually don't like their personality (sorry - not making generalizations here!) but a lot of them have to be cold hearted people in their professon, it seems, and it translates to the relationship field. They seem a little self centered as well :/

 

I am a sucker for geeky stuff and sciences, so I confess I like talking with doctors. I read a lot about science online cause I find it interesting. I work in a creative field and not into dating artsy guys as I learned it doesn't work hehe.

[Carenth]

Seems you and I go after similar types of people, well for me it's more the type I attract.. not sure why I haven't really thought about it, then again I guess the space I work in tends to have some similar traits to people who work in those fields.

[xxoo]

My mom had me at my age. I don't see it as an impossible thing. The problem is I haven't met the right guy, not my age.

 

Did she start from scratch at 40, meeting the father and having her first baby?

 

I'm not saying it is impossible, but it is a tall order. His ability to support you and a baby might not be the most practical concern at this point.

[edgygirl]

I was never into artists, they are just too similar to me and I feel like I am dating myself and it doesn't turn my mind on. I like people who are different than me.

 

Darling I wasn't burned out while young. I had anyone I wanted in fact. Men ran after me. I broke a few hearts. I wasn't interested in settling down until I developed my brain and my career - yes, my brains and personality were important to me, as opposed to what you feel about women (that they should be beautiful and shut up and give it to you).

 

Aka the wannabe artists got you when you were fresh. For you it was deadbeat artists, for other women it's borderline criminals and for yet other women it's the emotionally unavailable guys.

 

Women like saying they don't like x type of men.. after they've been burned by them about a dozen times.

[edgygirl]

Carenth, I always attract the same type as well. Usually it's intense, more emotinal people who are into cultural stuff and are slightly nerdy in their professions. That's the kind of guy I also like. I can't go for people in finance here who are mostly into sports, cars, condos, money, etc. I have nothing to talk with them, I tried going on dates and it never works. They don't get me and I them.

 

You seem like a sensible kind of guy who has feelings too, and I like the way you talk. I understand why certain types of girls would go for you Are you having a hard time dating?

[edgygirl]

xxoo, no, I was the last child after which she did a procedure to stop having children as it was enough haha. But I mentioned it as I think I can still get pregnant even at my age. I did meet someone last year who was open to do it. But unfortunately I didn't feel it with him and had to break up. I agree, it's not an easy thing. I might have to give the baby part up. Oh well. Whatever happens, happens.

[edgygirl]

Well I don't see anything wrong with admitting that I've been jumping to bed too early in the last year since I broke up with my ex, and trying to find a way to correct a fact that's hindering me to find an emotionally stable relationship.

 

It's not a "deal". It's doing things in a way that doesn't hinder a healthy relationship. It's not about not putting out SO they settle down. I am not a manipulative biatch. It's about sex not coming in the way of developing said healthy relationship.

 

Not that you'd understand, as you only see women as objects to be conquered and thrown into bed. You don't want a healthy relationship, so how can you even understand what I'm going through?

 

And here you are, asking how you can keep the men whom you want to settle down with waiting.

 

Clearly they're getting the better end of the deal.

[edgygirl]

now this feels good

 

Greznog This message is hidden because Greznog is on your ignore list.

[Carenth]

Carenth, I always attract the same type as well. Usually it's intense, more emotinal people who are into cultural stuff and are slightly nerdy in their professions. That's the kind of guy I also like. I can't go for people in finance here who are mostly into sports, cars, condos, money, etc. I have nothing to talk with them, I tried going on dates and it never works. They don't get me and I them.

 

You seem like a sensible kind of guy who has feelings too, and I like the way you talk. I understand why certain types of girls would go for you Are you having a hard time dating?

 

Thanks for the compliments.

 

I don't have trouble getting dates, I have more people approach me than I ask out. Due to a period of depression I went through about 5 years ago I'm pretty in touch with my emotions, not ashamed to admit that either or talk about them. Though I'm quite guarded until I get to know someone.

 

My problem in the past has been finding someone I have a connection with, though that isn't an issue atm I'm currently with someone who I have a fantastic connection with, though she on on the other side of the world... which is a bit of a bummer but we are making it work for now.If all goes to plan and I'll be moving over there by the end of next year at least for the short term to give us a proper go. Though some of the reactions I have gotten about been in a LDR have literally been "why is someone like you in a LDR?"

 

Honestly it's not something I would of normally considered, but in all my dating there has only been two people with which I had what I considered a genuine emotional connection with. So it's pretty rare for me (but very important), actually kind of annoying at times.

 

I'm a strong believer in mutual respect and honesty, so I don't like playing games or having games played on me which seems rife in the dating scene at least where I live. I think I might have a lower sex drive than most guys my age or something, I'm not sure because I have pretty much zero interest in sex until I get to know someone, sex with strangers is not something I enjoy.

 

I tend to attract people like you described, probably a bit more on the nerdy side though. I'm a information sponge so I tend to gravitate towards people who I can learn new things off.

Edited December 15, 2012 by Carenth