Els Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Honestly I only date the cream of the crop. Yes - successful, good looking guys who seem to have a brain as well and be into the things I am. So by what you said, I am thinking perhaps I should date losers so they won't push it right because they have no other options anyway and will wait? No, you should pick based on their personalities, principles, and world views, and how compatible those are with yours.
Author edgygirl Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 You're right. That's what I've been doing as well. But it doesn't matter. They always want to jump in your pants. I mentioned the type of guys I date as successful etc. as I thought this might be the reason they turn to be jerks although they seem to also have the kind of personality, principles and world views I like. * no hope * No, you should pick based on their personalities, principles, and world views, and how compatible those are with yours.
Lonely Ronin Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Hmmm "learn how to pick them". Okay. So how do you tell a guy will be like that when there is no evidence before going on a first date? Please do clarify. Honestly I only date the cream of the crop. Yes - successful, good looking guys who seem to have a brain as well and be into the things I am. So by what you said, I am thinking perhaps I should date losers so they won't push it right because they have no other options anyway and will wait? it has nothing to do with how good looking they are, or how smart they are, or how successful they are. If you're doing OLD, is going to be hard to tell before the first date. However you should be able to get a pretty good read on them after the 1st date, so you can weed out a lot of the undesirables. Some signs a guy is only really interested in getting on your pants really early. 1. constantly pushing the conversation in a physical sexual direction. 2. making comments with a lot of innuendo 3. trying to get you to drink a lot 4. getting touchy to early 5. asking to come in if he walks you home
xxoo Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Honestly I only date the cream of the crop. Yes - successful, good looking guys who seem to have a brain as well and be into the things I am. So by what you said, I am thinking perhaps I should date losers so they won't push it right because they have no other options anyway and will wait? Your "cream of the crop" may be full of guys with poor character. Successful and good looking doesn't necessarily include (or exclude) good quality men. What are the core qualities you are looking for in a man? Is it success and looks? Or something else? Identify that, and you might have better luck finding him.
Author edgygirl Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 I do check for all the evidences you said, to check if a man is only looking to have sex quickly. And I am pretty savvy I'd like to think. It doesn't help. That's what most of them try in the end. Take as evidence what a poster said about her own husband confession. The guy I've been with this last time never ever talked about sex before meeting, he talked about family values, interests, life, beliefs, etc (I almost thought there must some issue in sex arena with him as a lot of guys I talk with try some innuendo to see if you're not a sexual person or frigid or whatever, it seems) and still, we ended up in bed... Admittedly, it was my fault too as that's what I'm used to. But I will change that at least on my side from now on. I think when people say someone picks wrong, it's kind of bs usually. I do screen a lot based on values and interests as well as declared intents at least that people seem to have.
Author edgygirl Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 Well we are attracted to what we are attracted. I tried to date someone who was not my type (for 10 months!) and I didn't fall in love with him although I enjoyed his company and liked him as a person. What can one do. I did try it a few times. Doesn't work. Believe me I know all about core values and that's the MAIN thing I am looking for these days. I look at that first and then the other stuff. But some degree of attraction has to come with it otherwise I won't even feel like having sex with the person and I don't consider that to be a successful relationship. That's my experience. Your "cream of the crop" may be full of guys with poor character. Successful and good looking doesn't necessarily include (or exclude) good quality men. What are the core qualities you are looking for in a man? Is it success and looks? Or something else? Identify that, and you might have better luck finding him.
AsItIs Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 (edited) Came across this article today... kind of explains why "older" successful women, are at a disadvantage when it comes to dating...especially when looking to date Alpha males.I couldn't believe one man in the article admitting to feeling like women in their 30's have been "pumped & dumped" so many times....they should just be used to it by now. Sad. Why women lose the dating game | smh.com.au Edited December 12, 2012 by AsItIs 2
xxoo Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Well we are attracted to what we are attracted. I tried to date someone who was not my type (for 10 months!) and I didn't fall in love with him although I enjoyed his company and liked him as a person. What can one do. I did try it a few times. Doesn't work. Believe me I know all about core values and that's the MAIN thing I am looking for these days. I look at that first and then the other stuff. But some degree of attraction has to come with it otherwise I won't even feel like having sex with the person and I don't consider that to be a successful relationship. That's my experience. Of course you need to be attracted. But are you attracted to only a narrow "objectively attractive" group of men? Or do you sometimes feel attracted to men who aren't objectively attractive? Are you connecting with people, including men, IRL, outside of the "dating" sphere, to allow these kinds of attractions to develop?
Author edgygirl Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 This article is the story of my life. I turned down so many perfect guys because I thought I would have time later after getting where I wanted in my career... ugh. Why didn't someone tell me? We do have the upper hand in the 20s. Albeit I was asked to get married 2 times in my 30s and also did get briefly married to someone I shouldn't have... "The endgame is already in play for hordes of unmarried professional women - the well-coiffed lawyers, bankers and other success stories. Many thought they could put off marriage and families until their 30s, having devoted their 20s to education, establishing careers and playing the field. But was their decade of dating a strategic mistake?" Came across this article today... kind of explains why "older" successful women, are at a disadvantage when it comes to dating...especially when looking to date Alpha males.I couldn't believe one man in the article admitting to feeling like women in their 30's have been "pumped & dumped" so many times....they should just be used to it by now. Sad. Why women lose the dating game | smh.com.au
Drseussgrrl Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Great. Reading that article makes me real nervous about getting geared up for my 2nd date with dude tonight. Gah.
Author edgygirl Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 I think I am mostly attracted to guys who most women would find attractive as well, unfortunately. I don't like "hot" guys who live in the gym or so, I like nerdy guys with puppy eyes but there's a lot of women who like that too. I am not sure how to get over that. I am not sure it's possible (for me) to get interested in guys I don't find attractive (to me) to begin with. My best gf keeps telling me how looks is a non-existent factor to her in the begging and I envy that as h***. How come I am not and can't seem to be like that? Wish I was. Truth is I am not connecting socially as much. I went out and was a party girl for 20+ years... and now going out even with friends is something I kind of have to force myself to do as I don't enjoy it as much. Perhaps I should join some meetup.com groups or go to places where they have cultural activities within my religion/cultural background, a lot of people go to them. So no I am not particularly making the effort, something I should think about... good point and I keep avoiding thinking about it as I am lazy to actually do it consistently. Of course you need to be attracted. But are you attracted to only a narrow "objectively attractive" group of men? Or do you sometimes feel attracted to men who aren't objectively attractive? Are you connecting with people, including men, IRL, outside of the "dating" sphere, to allow these kinds of attractions to develop?
Author edgygirl Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 Why? Because of your age or so? How old are you? Great. Reading that article makes me real nervous about getting geared up for my 2nd date with dude tonight. Gah.
Drseussgrrl Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Yeah I'm 33. This guy is 29, good-looking and successful. Now I'm going to be eyeing him like prey across the table. HAHA Sorry but just reading that has kind of put me in this state of panic. I don't have a problem attracting men but I'm struggling with the same thing you are. When do I put out? He suggested a restaurant within walking distance of my apartment which is cool, but now I'm all... "Wait! What if he just plans on walking back WITH ME at the end of the night, like last time, but he'll want to come in?"
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 I haven't read the whole thread, but: "Putting out" and "keeping a guy interested" are not necessarily related. Sure you hear a lot of guys around here with their "3rd date rule" and stuff like that. If you really liked a guy and he dumped you because you wouldn't screw by the 3rd date - would you actually still even like him? I wouldn't. It shows a very short-sighted point of view. If you are potentially headed for a long term relationship, there are years and years of sex ahead. Why does it need to happen in the first few hours, actually, of getting to know each other? I think that's lame. People who have sex early all the time - well, I have no problem with it. But if you're doing that with "keeping a guy interested" in mind, I think you're on the wrong track. If he's interested, he's interested. If he's looking for a relationship, he's probably okay with taking some time about it. 2
Author edgygirl Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 Well we are in the same situation, but 7 years apart. I also don't have a problem attracting people although I am 40. Everyone's jaws drops when I tell my age as they think I'm 30. I am glad you can read all this at your age and get smart. I didn't have this opportunity. Don't let a good guy pass, it only gets harder. Good luck with him! Let us know how it went. I honestly would wait one more date. Second date is too early to know what he's into. I also learned that I should stop suggesting dates close to my place as it's easier to get to them. Easier and... tempting! lol. One more thing I decided is to avoid any alcohol on my next date. I prefer to be aware of what is going on instead of relaxing too much and being too flirty through alcohol. Yeah I'm 33. This guy is 29, good-looking and successful. Now I'm going to be eyeing him like prey across the table. HAHA Sorry but just reading that has kind of put me in this state of panic. I don't have a problem attracting men but I'm struggling with the same thing you are. When do I put out? He suggested a restaurant within walking distance of my apartment which is cool, but now I'm all... "Wait! What if he just plans on walking back WITH ME at the end of the night, like last time, but he'll want to come in?" 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 When do I put out? ONLY WHEN IT'S RIGHT FOR YOU. Please read what I just posted to the OP. He suggested a restaurant within walking distance of my apartment which is cool, but now I'm all... "Wait! What if he just plans on walking back WITH ME at the end of the night, like last time, but he'll want to come in?" Have you made out yet? If he wants to come in and you WANT him to come in, you can tell him (in a positive way - even a sexy way) that you aren't ready to take it "there" yet but you'd like him to come in for a night cap, or whatever. And you can neck! I don't know … I have really had good luck with taking my time. It hasn't been a problem in my relationship life. With my husband, we dated in my house for weeks and made out like crazy. He did not get mad or fed up. And when we had sex it was really worth the wait. And now we're married and will be having sex until one of us is too old to manage it, which might be sooner than we think, at our ages! 2
Drseussgrrl Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Yeah I understand that for sure. But I also get annoyed when dudes suggest places more convenient to THEM. Like not trying to put in any effort to see me, or expecting me to drive clear across town in the first few dates. I imagine part of it is the fact that he actually used to live in my building and knows my neighborhood just as well as I do, and now he doesn't live too far away.
Taramere Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 People who have sex early all the time - well, I have no problem with it. But if you're doing that with "keeping a guy interested" in mind, I think you're on the wrong track. If he's interested, he's interested. If he's looking for a relationship, he's probably okay with taking some time about it. Here's an interesting article discussing the longer term benefits, in creating good communication and relationship stability, of waiting to have sex. Delaying Sex Makes Better Relationships, Study Finds | LiveScience 4
Drseussgrrl Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 (edited) ONLY WHEN IT'S RIGHT FOR YOU. Please read what I just posted to the OP. Have you made out yet? If he wants to come in and you WANT him to come in, you can tell him (in a positive way - even a sexy way) that you aren't ready to take it "there" yet but you'd like him to come in for a night cap, or whatever. And you can neck! I don't know … I have really had good luck with taking my time. It hasn't been a problem in my relationship life. With my husband, we dated in my house for weeks and made out like crazy. He did not get mad or fed up. And when we had sex it was really worth the wait. And now we're married and will be having sex until one of us is too old to manage it, which might be sooner than we think, at our ages! No we haven't made out, but I sorta planted a quick one on him after our first date and he had walked me to my front door, with his arm around my shoulders. He's affectionate and I like that. What's nice is he's been texting me daily and had our next date set up the following day. Suggested a place, etc. So I'm just trying to let him take the lead. And yeah 2 dates is way too fast! Edited to add: sorry for the thread hijack. Edited December 12, 2012 by Drseussgrrl 1
Divasu Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 It's a fine line... Some guys initially refrain from making sexual innuendos, pushy physical advances, so on and so forth, and you're like 'score'! And then bam! Your guard comes down, you have nookie, and the next thing you know you've been hit over the head with a two by four. On the other hand, it's quite easy to spot the guys who are just in it for sex because that is all they ever talk about. I know this does not answer your question specifically OP. Fact is, there is no concrete answer. Sex will not keep a man interested in you past the lust stage, unless he has connected with you emotionally. Even then, that still does not guarantee much of anything. As my old Aunt Edna used to say, "the only things guaranteed in this lifetime are death and taxes". Fantastic...Yawn. 2
Revolver Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Came across this article today... kind of explains why "older" successful women, are at a disadvantage when it comes to dating...especially when looking to date Alpha males.I couldn't believe one man in the article admitting to feeling like women in their 30's have been "pumped & dumped" so many times....they should just be used to it by now. Sad. Why women lose the dating game | smh.com.au Alot of those successful women and i know a few only want to date men who are on their level economically or education wise, preferably higher. All the men I know that I would consider successful dont have nearly the same requirements and I think that's why they have an easier time finding someone. 1
Author edgygirl Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 Exactly... I get both types usually. The second one is much more dangerous. My intention with this thread is not to withhold so I catch them. Again, I am just trying to find a better way to make relationships and bonds work in the long term and not destroy potential good relationships by doing it sooner than it's psychologically and emotionally good, for both of us. It's a fine line... Some guys initially refrain from making sexual innuendos, pushy physical advances, so on and so forth, and you're like 'score'! And then bam! Your guard comes down, you have nookie, and the next thing you know you've been hit over the head with a two by four. On the other hand, it's quite easy to spot the guys who are just in it for sex because that is all they ever talk about. I know this does not answer your question specifically OP. Fact is, there is no concrete answer. Sex will not keep a man interested in you past the lust stage, unless he has connected with you emotionally. Even then, that still does not guarantee much of anything. As my old Aunt Edna used to say, "the only things guaranteed in this lifetime are death and taxes". Fantastic...Yawn. 1
Author edgygirl Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 They don't need to have many requirements, as they will be able to provide for a family solely with their own salaries and a woman willing to stay home and take care of their kids. We women who are relatively successful can't do that. A lot of times salaries are lower for the same position men have, so we can't pay for a family with our salaries only, and if we don't date a guy who can minimally provide, how are we going to take a little time off to have kids? Hmmm... We're doomed. Alot of those successful women and i know a few only want to date men who are on their level economically or education wise, preferably higher. All the men I know that I would consider successful dont have nearly the same requirements and I think that's why they have an easier time finding someone.
Lonely Ronin Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 I must live in a different world or something, because I have never had nor heard of half these problems. That article makes me want to vomit, every person it quoted sounded f'ed in the head. The guys sounded like bros who faces I would want to crush in after 5 minutes of talking to them, and the ladies sounded like entitled brats from The Hamptons. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 I'm glad you started this thread, edgy. I've spent the last year trying to heal a broken heart and being ok with hooking up with people even when I wasn't sure what their intentions were. I pretty much felt that at the time, I was ok with this since I was emotionally unavailable myself. But now I'm starting to feel differently about things and as though I'm ready for something substantial and real. The last time I had casual sex, I remember his going to the bathroom and my feeling like I couldn't get my clothes on fast enough. When he came out I was like, "Uh, I gotta go" and bolted. This was someone who said he wasn't ready for a relationship and I thought ok cool, well the sex is good. But I got in my car, and cried. I realize that it was starting to make me feel empty inside and that perhaps my heart was reawakening. The next time I have sex, I want it to be with someone who's invested and I deserve that. 3
Recommended Posts