Lonely Ronin Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Well it wouldn't make me feel "special" if said dude dropped me because I didn't put out within three dates and I mean come on, he has OPTIONS. Can't argue with that.
ThaWholigan Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 It's not that hard to keep a guy interested without putting out to be honest. If he likes you, and he has enough of a balanced POV that he hasn't been tainted by the whole "she's waiting for better options for sex" (it does happen), or the "she is withholding sex/low libido/using it as bargaining" kind of mentality, then he will surely stick around. In fact, it won't matter to him when you have sex with him - it will seem organic to both of you rather than forced or mechanical ("only after date 3 or 5 etc"). Go at your own pace, and you will find someone comfortable with your rhythm. Might take a little while, that said, but your patience will be rewarded - if you are diligent . 4
Lonely Ronin Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I would hope that at 40 years old, a man is finally over the disney movies he used to watch as a kid. Sure he may be special but that doesn't mean he is the only special man that she has ever ran into. Some of us are hopeless romantics. 1
mesmerized Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Some of us are hopeless romantics. The words you're looking for is idiots who never grew up my friend.
sweetkiwi Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Dating is an investment. It does not guarantee sex with me. Or even a kiss. If i actually like you it will happen naturally. If he actually likes me he will wait. (The good guys don't consider it waiting though. They consider it getting to know one another first.) The men I've had LTRs with had options. They are attractive men. And still they did not pressure me for sex. Ever. If i felt that way i would have dumped them on the spot. Just stopped seeing a guy because of this exact reason. Actually two guys. If i slept with every guy i dated while single that'd be somewhere around ten a month. Gross. No thanks. If all they want is sex from me they simply remove themselves from the equation. Thanks!! Saves me the trouble. 5
Revolver Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Most Guys won't "move on"if its a girl they really like and are seriously interested in, Even the biggest of players. But to be honest, even then theres a limit. If its a woman they're on the fence about and they have other options your damn right he's gonna move on and you can't really blame him. Maybe it's me, but it doesn't take me really long to know if I want to have sex with someone. If we're seeing each other for a while and you still don't know it's best that we both move on. 2
USMCHokie Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Well, not having read the first few pages of this thread, I will respond from my own personal beliefs and perspective on the thread title question. In order to keep a guy interested, you just have to provide him with a positive, fun, and interesting experience outside the bedroom, just as you'd expect him to provide you with a positive, fun, and interesting experience outside the bedroom. You shouldn't rely solely on sex for that experience. That's it. It really should be that simple. The moment you feel you have to use sex as something bartered is the moment you need to punch out and eject, because the two of you are clearly out of sync. Either you don't like him enough to want to have sex with him, or his focus isn't enjoying the experience with you but rather to get in your pants. There shouldn't be timelines or ultimatums. As my good friend Wholigan says, it should just be organic. It should just happen. And when it does, it'll feel like exactly the right time for both of you. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Most Guys won't "move on"if its a girl they really like and are seriously interested in, Even the biggest of players. But to be honest, even then theres a limit. If its a woman they're on the fence about and they have other options your damn right he's gonna move on and you can't really blame him. Maybe it's me, but it doesn't take me really long to know if I want to have sex with someone. If we're seeing each other for a while and you still don't know it's best that we both move on. You all are missing the point. She may very well WANT to have sex with you. BADLY. Hell, I'm an incredibly sexual person and there's nothing better to me than that raw, animalistic, throw-you-on-the bed kind of sex. I crave it. What many of the women here are saying is, it gets old to do that with a guy on the first few dates, only to have him tell you, "Oh, I'm not looking for anything serious" and before you know it, you're stuck in a FWB sitch while he looks around for the woman he DOES want to commit to. 3
Revolver Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 You all are missing the point. She may very well WANT to have sex with you. BADLY. Hell, I'm an incredibly sexual person and there's nothing better to me than that raw, animalistic, throw-you-on-the bed kind of sex. I crave it. What many of the women here are saying is, it gets old to do that with a guy on the first few dates, only to have him tell you, "Oh, I'm not looking for anything serious" and before you know it, you're stuck in a FWB sitch while he looks around for the woman he DOES want to commit to. But if a guy really wants to have a LTR with you it doesn't matter when the exact time you have sex with him. If its gonna happen, it's gonna happen. You know how people who are married who had sex on the first date? For some reason people have this obsession with amount of time. Like for example,if a guy waits 90 days and is still around that means he automatically committed to you or won't make you a FWB. A multitude of things can be at play A. He can just be very Patient B. has zero options C. Can be sleeping with other women on the side until your ready D. He can actually be interested in a serious relationship with you If your not sure whether you want to sleep with someone but you want to get to know them better before you do, by all means and I don't think anyone male or female disagrees with that. I just think its dumb to hold sex off when you know you want to just so you can fit some arbitrary date or time. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 But if a guy really wants to have a LTR with you it doesn't matter when the exact time you have sex with him. If its gonna happen, it's gonna happen. You know how people who are married who had sex on the first date? For some reason people have this obsession with amount of time. Like for example,if a guy waits 90 days and is still around that means he automatically committed to you or won't make you a FWB. A multitude of things can be at play A. He can just be very Patient B. has zero options C. Can be sleeping with other women on the side until your ready D. He can actually be interested in a serious relationship with you If your not sure whether you want to sleep with someone but you want to get to know them better before you do, by all means and I don't think anyone male or female disagrees with that. I just think its dumb to hold sex off when you know you want to just so you can fit some arbitrary date or time. I don't think anyone thinks there's a time frame. I certainly don't. A lot of women just don't want to jump in the sack before they're sure of what said guy's intentions are. I slept with my ex on our third date and we ended up engaged. But, I knew from the get-go that he was very into me and a nice guy. So it felt right. 3
USMCHokie Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 What many of the women here are saying is, it gets old to do that with a guy on the first few dates, only to have him tell you, "Oh, I'm not looking for anything serious" and before you know it, you're stuck in a FWB sitch while he looks around for the woman he DOES want to commit to. And this issue is only exacerbated by the growing popularity of online dating. The ease of "shopping" for a date makes it considerably more likely that a woman would frequently find herself in first/second/third date situations where she faces these decisions... The easy answer would seem to be to stop treating dating as such a commodity... But then again, that's not really all that easy... 1
musemaj11 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I recently read an interesting blog entry that explained the "payment" system that women utilize for sex. They require "payment" in some form in exchange for sex; whether it be financial compensation such as dates or gifts, status payment in the form of fame or social empowerment, or security payment, in the form of a commitment within a relationship ultimately leading to marriage. Seems like a simple way to explain a bartering system between men and women, since its illegal to have nonconsensual sex with a woman. So it's basically sex for stuff. Prostitution is natural. Bartering sex for resources is something common among all primates. The rise of religions especially rigid ones like the Abrahamic religions was the reason why prostitution started to grow negative stigma and some societies started to look down on prostitution when sexually trasmitted diseases began to spread and recognized and religious decrees were created in order to deal with this. Instead they promoted 'exclusive prostitution' which is also known as 'marriage'. Hmmm, maybe, but I think most women would require very little 'stuff' in exchange for having sex with a man they like, trust and are attracted to. I think the 'stuff' is just a way for a man to show you you can trust him 'see I've bought you xxx - this proves I like you'. Otherwise you've got rely on his words (not a good indication of anything) or wait till he marries you (too long!) Its not about trust. Its about the desire to be romanced. Getting stuff and having men do things for them make women feel romanced and they like it. Its no different than men's desire to get sex. Its the same selfish motivation. Nope, not true. If I really like a guy I actually make myself hold off for a bit but I certainly dont make him wait forever. Women 'punish' guys whom they like. So its better to be the 'bad boys' because they are getting it quicker. I pay for the majority of my dates and Im still interested in the men I see. I bet if it was up to you, you would prefer to have the men paying for all the dates. Its situation, not your own will. Im coming more and more to see most of the men that post on LS.org are men that are very bitter about women and are meeting low quality women. The normal men do not bother coming to this site to make such statements Perhaps go after a better quality girl and you wont even feel the need to say things like that. Then would you say the OP is a bitter woman who needs to go after a better quality man also? What many of the women here are saying is, it gets old to do that with a guy on the first few dates, only to have him tell you, "Oh, I'm not looking for anything serious" and before you know it, you're stuck in a FWB sitch while he looks around for the woman he DOES want to commit to. As they say, "You gotta take a chance at love." Plenty of men take women on dates and spend their time, energy, and money not to mention risking rejection and putting their dignity on the line by asking those women out in the first place only to have them tell the men, " I don't think its gonna work out" "I dont feel the chemistry" and before they know it, they are stuck with nothing but bills. So one side gambles sex, the other gambles money. No one has it better. 2
AsItIs Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Thanks for starting this thread edgygirl! I can totally relate! I'm going to read the book RubySlippers recommended too. 1
pbjbear Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Da If i slept with every guy i dated while single that'd be somewhere around ten a month. Gross. No thanks. If all they want is sex from me they simply remove themselves from the equation. Thanks!! Saves me the trouble. Exactly. When Ive had guys get pissy with me when I didnt jump into bed with them, I remind them of all their past comments about slutty girls. I usually say "if I was that easy I would have had 30 sexual partners by now, and then youd be calling me names" that usually shuts them up. Guys seem to expect you to sleep with them quickly but get turned off if youve done the same thing with other men. They want you to be their slut only, to make them feel oh-so-important. Not into it 1
ascendotum Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 (edited) Dating is an investment. It does not guarantee sex with me. Or even a kiss. If i actually like you it will happen naturally. If he actually likes me he will wait. (The good guys don't consider it waiting though. They consider it getting to know one another first.) The men I've had LTRs with had options. They are attractive men. And still they did not pressure me for sex. Ever. If i felt that way i would have dumped them on the spot. Just stopped seeing a guy because of this exact reason. Actually two guys. If i slept with every guy i dated while single that'd be somewhere around ten a month. Gross. No thanks. If all they want is sex from me they simply remove themselves from the equation. Thanks!! Saves me the trouble. I like your post and style, just wanted to comment on the last part though... You're a busy girl with dating..its like hobby or a mission. It sounds like you must have broken up with your Italian bf. The thing is though in the context of what a number of guys are saying here, there is not an expectation that you sleep with the guy on the first date, but maybe so on the say the 3rd date at the end of which you would know that this guy is really starting to appeal to you as a bf and you can get a feel for his character. I assume hardly any or none of these 10 guys are making it to date 3 with you. I would hate the thought that a gf who had a bountiful dating life, had it as a normal part of her dating etiquitte, to sleep with the guy, because he was hot and he hinted for it and she didn't want to disappoint him. Edited December 11, 2012 by ascendotum
phineas Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Exactly. When Ive had guys get pissy with me when I didnt jump into bed with them, I remind them of all their past comments about slutty girls. I usually say "if I was that easy I would have had 30 sexual partners by now, and then youd be calling me names" that usually shuts them up. Guys seem to expect you to sleep with them quickly but get turned off if youve done the same thing with other men. They want you to be their slut only, to make them feel oh-so-important. Not into it LOL! what kind of men do you date? The only reason I would have a problem with a woman not sleeping with me is when she demanded my attention or tried to keep tabs on me. When they put me in a spot where they didn't want to get with me & didn't want me talking to anyone else, then I had a problem.
pbjbear Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 LOL! what kind of men do you date? The only reason I would have a problem with a woman not sleeping with me is when she demanded my attention or tried to keep tabs on me. When they put me in a spot where they didn't want to get with me & didn't want me talking to anyone else, then I had a problem. Based on your posts you seem more mature than the typical male I meet. But youre alot older than me
mesmerized Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Op, can I ask why did you move? As you can see this land doesnt have the best men and I'm trying very hard to be nice here.
phineas Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Based on your posts you seem more mature than the typical male I meet. But youre alot older than me I just know the difference between a woman who is purposefully wasting my time & one who just needs more time & I axe the time wasters ASAP.
Lonely Ronin Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 I just know the difference between a woman who is purposefully wasting my time & one who just needs more time & I axe the time wasters ASAP. ^^ this I think it's experience level specific, not age specific personally. By my early 20's i knew what women were playing games, and what women were shy/reserved. I have no problem with shy/reserved, but I have zero tolerance for people who play games. Just to be clear, that rule covers all parts of dating, not just sex. 1
Casablanca Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Not gonna read all the other posts, so I hope this has been said, but a good guy, the right guy, the guy who finds just being around you at first as satisfying as a sexual encounter are the ones, you just have to find the right ones. If a guy makes a move, tell him you want to take it slow physically and hold off for a few dates...if he doesn't respect that, he isn't worth your time
Author edgygirl Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 lol. first of all, I didn't know this land had such confused men second, I am not religious, but I did want to end up with someone that has the same cultural background, and there are more of those that belong to my background here than in my country of origin. Op, can I ask why did you move? As you can see this land doesnt have the best men and I'm trying very hard to be nice here. I won't lie here. I think it's been my fault that I end up in bed early on sometimes. I am very intense when I'm passionate and I used to think it didn't matter that much if "it" is there, and you see a lot of potential and think you're a match. I've had a few long term relationships starting like that. But with time I am realizing it's not the best strategy to develop a strong bond. It tends to be short-lived. Not necessarily because the guys I pick are jerks. It's because going to bed changes things if there's no bond before, and it also can kill a potential relationship if you do it before the time that feels right for both. A few of you are implying me or girls like me would sleep with any guy they date... which is absolutely not true, at least not in my case. This post is about 1% of guys I go on a date... the ones I think are really promising as long-term and I'm really turned on by.
Author edgygirl Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 Okay. But is holding on a bit to develop an emotional bond "playing games"? I didn't imply with my post that I am looking to play games to catch someone, that would be pathetic specially at my age. I asked how to hold a bit and keep the excitement alive, so I can develop a bond with someone special first, and not kill the relationship by going to bed early. Come on, even you players here, you know that doing it too soon can hinder a potential good relationship... not that you are looking for one, lol. ^^ this I think it's experience level specific, not age specific personally. By my early 20's i knew what women were playing games, and what women were shy/reserved. I have no problem with shy/reserved, but I have zero tolerance for people who play games. Just to be clear, that rule covers all parts of dating, not just sex.
mesmerized Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 lol. first of all, I didn't know this land had such confused men second, I am not religious, but I did want to end up with someone that has the same cultural background, and there are more of those that belong to my background here than in my country of origin. I won't lie here. I think it's been my fault that I end up in bed early on sometimes. I am very intense when I'm passionate and I used to think it didn't matter that much if "it" is there, and you see a lot of potential and think you're a match. I've had a few long term relationships starting like that. But with time I am realizing it's not the best strategy to develop a strong bond. It tends to be short-lived. Not necessarily because the guys I pick are jerks. It's because going to bed changes things if there's no bond before, and it also can kill a potential relationship if you do it before the time that feels right for both. A few of you are implying me or girls like me would sleep with any guy they date... which is absolutely not true, at least not in my case. This post is about 1% of guys I go on a date... the ones I think are really promising as long-term and I'm really turned on by. No woman is sleeping with all her options unless she is a prostitute and for money. Dont let these selfish hypocrites put you down. And be prepared to still be rejected even after waiting. There is no magic formula to haunt down a man who is not genuinely interested in you. 3
USMCHokie Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 No woman is sleeping with all her options unless she is a prostitute and for money. Dont let these selfish hypocrites put you down. And be prepared to still be rejected even after waiting. There is no magic formula to haunt down a man who is not genuinely interested in you. You could really say the same about men...
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