Author edgygirl Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 Isn't it weird that the LDR guy who prompted all this revolution in my head lately just wrote me? Although we had first date sex. lol. Still I do think it's an exception. I intend to take things slowly from now on, even with him. Not sure how it would work when you already had sex with the person. Probably going on lots of non-sexual dates I guess.
BetheButterfly Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 S Suggestions, please! Detailed ones It would be nice if guys around my age or over 30s told me what women that they keep being interested in for a while do to keep their interest and make them want to develop a relationship with her... Flirting-wise, or whatever. But I am not talking about the woman being beautiful or so... I am not interested in men who keep the interested solely because they're attracted to someone. I want to know how to behave and do to make a man want to seek a real relationship and not disqualify her for her behavior. My personal experience is that a woman CANNOT keep a guy interested. Period. The reason is because we can't force other people to like us or love us. So, my advice is to not try to make a man do anything. It really depends on the man. Now, one can improve oneself to help attraction, but you already addressed that above. My advice is to get to know the man that interests you better, to see what his values, convictions, and goals in his life are. If his goal in life is to have sex with as many women as possible, then that's an indication that he's not going to stay with you for long, whether you "put out" and even less if you don't. My personal advice is to say FAR AWAY from those men. Watch how he treats his family and friends. Watch how he watches beautiful women. Study him as you get to know him. First, focus on establishing a connection that is more than just sexual attraction. Sexual attraction does not at all indicate that the guy will stay with you. Love and/or responsibility is what makes a guy "stay", what "keeps him interested." Love is the best of the two reasons for staying, in my opinion. When love is coupled with responsibility (commitment), then that makes a great duo and a wonderful environment!!! So, my advice is to consider men who show the capacity for love and responsibility. They are the ones who will stay without you "putting out." My husband is a man like that. He was already committed to me before we had made love for the first time. He had taken down his online profile 3 days after meeting me online and talking on the phone with me, before even meeting me in person. He had already asked me to be his girlfriend, before we ever had sex. I didn't make him like that. He is a man who takes love and commitment very seriously, but that is not my doing. I do however greatly benefit from the kind of man he is. I am like that too, though I am female. When he took down his profile and told me, I was ecstatic. I took mine down too. I said yes and meant it (including the responsibility/commitment of being faithful to him) when he asked me to be his girlfriend. He didn't make me like that. I was already like that. So, my advice is to consider men who you can see by their actions and how they treat other people that they know how to love and commit, and who don't just see you as a score or someone to pump and dump. 4
KathyM Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 You keep a guy interested in dating you by being an interesting and enjoyable person to be with. It doesn't have to be about sex all the time. There are many levels that people are compatible on and many ways to enjoy someone's company. If it's mainly the physical you get to know, then you are not getting to know him on an emotional or intellectual level. You aren't getting to know if your personalities are compatible. When dates are arranged, go to places to spend enjoyable time together that are out in public, not at his place or your place. Get to know him on a level other than physical. If he asks for sex early on, tell him you need to get to know someone pretty well first before getting to that level of physical intimacy. If the guy is actually interested in a relationship and not just sex, and if the guy is interested enough in you, he will stick around and get to know you first. Putting out on the first few dates will only prevent you from weeding out the guys who are only looking for sex.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Ruby - thank you SO MUCH for the book tip. I read 80 pages so far and it might be just what I was looking for! I was laughing so hard as this guy gets women so well. the male stuff didn't make sense to me, but as he totally understand women, I will take his word for the guy's stuff and follow it. I'm glad you like it and it's helping! I thought you were kinda conservative in the beginning... but it seems you must just be right in your worldview. Thanks again darling!!! Thanks People have been calling me conservative more on this forum lately, but I'm really not. I took a huge risk to start my own business that is now doing great, spent most of my 20s bouncing around the world like a gypsy, have had a few hot one-nighters with strangers, and have a wide wild streak that I will never tame completely - and I consider that a good thing! But as I've matured, I've figured out that it's smart and self-respecting to be discriminating and exercise some self-control. The only way to get what you want is to be very clear about what it is and stick to the parameters you set for yourself to make it happen. You have to tune out a LOT of static to stay committed to your own goals. So I thought I was being modern and doing what I wanted but it might not be the case. Wow. Reality check. Thanks to you guys. Thank you! This really hit me recently, too - I've been buying into and trying on some of this stuff (like FWB) in part because it's trendy and, you know, everybody's doing it. There are other factors, too, like modern isolation and loneliness. But it really hit me that no one has my own best interests in mind but me, and I have to do what's right for me. It was sad for me to realize that even I've been drinking some of the Kool-aid, as I like to think I'm such a free-thinker. For the most part I am, but even I can be sucked over to the dark side from time to time! 1
xxoo Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Where have I said women don't have the right to say no? I said no self respecting man is going to be put on hold because a woman has all of a sudden decided she's not going to have sex before x amount of dates. Why on earth would a man want to be the guy she has so little passion for that she can finally say no to early sex. Sounds like a real turn on to me. You are assuming that delaying sex means little passion. Often it means that a woman likes a guy so much that she knows she will attach with sex, and needs to be cautious to protect her heart. She can only open herself up to this man if it is for more than casual sex. And, yes, self respecting men will wait a reasonable amt of time for sex. edgy, remember that sexual tension builds when we are not having sex. Let it build! 4
pbjbear Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 5 dates is a long time... you wont keep a guy interested without physical intimacy for 5 dates... I agree not to be the fish that just jumps in the boat, but if you need a crane to reel that fish in, its not worth it and we will let you go. Men are about sex, bottom line... if you dont put out... we will walk... Quid pro quo... You might find some sucker that will do what you want and wait 5 dates, but you eventually wont be attracted to him long term Now stop dating losers that push the intense threshhold If youre willing to do things other than sex it can. You dont have to go all the way in the first 5. If there is no physical intimacy at all thats one thing. But any guy who writes you off because you dont go all the way in the first 5 dates is an idiot and youre better off without him. Dont listen to this poster...judging by his posting history women are merely objects to him. Youll be weeding out manipulative mean men by not putting out so early 3
ascendotum Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 (edited) Nah... you don't get what I'm talking about at all. It's not about baiting... I want to find a REAL relationship. It's not a facade at all. I love sex and I won't hide the fact. But after a lot of thought, I think having sex early is getting in the way of developing a healthy relationship with potential long term partners. I think I need to get to know someone a little before jumping into bed, to see if there's real long term possibility. So no, it's not about pretending to be something I am not. If you were meeting the right long term relationship oreintated guys and not 'she'll be a good **** for a while' guys and chemistry is based on more than 'wow you're hot and yeah so are you' then I don't think sex early on would get in the way of a healthy LT relationship generally speaking. Having sex real quick just makes it hard to tell those who are there strictly for the pump & dump and those who for whom you seem a great woman and they are interested in relationship but change their mind as get to know you and find compatibility issues and those who are really into you and think you are the best thing to come along in ages and want to stick around. If you enjoy sex regardless and wont get hurt then you can keep going with the sex early, but I really think its the guys you choose. I know a number of women who get around your age and who decide to start making the guy now wait for sex + wont be so generous in what they will do or put up with in the relationship + at the same time come to the conclusion that the type of guy they have been going for is the wrong type. So guys can get cynical when they now see them talking up the nice stable provider type guy for the first time in their life at the same time they now have all these new rules in place to make him prove himself...when in reality if they just made a better choice in men imo they would not have to now make him wait to prove himself. I bite my tongue, but I feel like saying to them, **** it only took you 20-25 yrs and x number of men to work this out. It seems like you are not going to go to the other end of the timetable out of anger motivation which is good, but I do think you need to slow things up to get a better gauge on the guy's character. I think you need to avoid drinking too much on your initial dates (cut them short or avoid alcohol) and avoid ending up back at his or your place too soon after dark. Also review the type of guy you normally go for....if its typically as you say the type who steers events to have you on your back at the close of the first date. Passion is great, don't get me wrong, and first date sex relationships have been wonderful for me, and I want a woman who is passionate and not a I want to take it slow and see how it goes for a few months woman, but I just think you need to keep it in check for a bit longer like a few have suggested, but at the same time escalate flirting and affection so he knows you are enthusiastic for him. It will be a step in the right direction but its not a sure fire solution for the serious players many which can wait a bit as they will have a number of women in play (new dates + ongoing fwbs) . Edited December 11, 2012 by ascendotum 1
sweetkiwi Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 If youre willing to do things other than sex it can. You dont have to go all the way in the first 5. If there is no physical intimacy at all thats one thing. But any guy who writes you off because you dont go all the way in the first 5 dates is an idiot and youre better off without him.......Youll be weeding out manipulative mean men by not putting out so early Me personally i like to make guys wait. Especially when i see real potential. But that's while kissing and giving the poor guy an occasional blowjob. If i don't like him, he doesn't even get to date x. The ones who can't wait, let them go. They proved what they were after in the first place. Im a very sexual woman. Nothing wrong with that. And my partners were all overjoyed they could wait for me (sometimes for a month or more!!!). As hard as these PUA dudes are trying to get you in bed you have to be able to avoid it. They train to "charm????" your pants off. Or they think they are. Yeah. Even a nice guy is going to want to have sex with you. But the good guys stick around when you say not now. And even understand!!!! Weird. So figuratively, **** these lame dudes who can't wait ANY amount of time. I'll be sleeping with the nice ones. Maybe even on a third date 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 At your age, you don't. You're delusional if you think any man you're going to be sexually attracted to ( none of these sensitive metrosexual feminists ) is going to wait 3 months for a cookie other men got within a week. Sex isn't like a cookie. Also, it's not the business of the guys she dates how much time it took her to screw other men before. If she's over, say, 25 and you're not having sex within the first few dates there's a very simple reason, you lack chemistry or she has some fierce hangups/bitterness. Both of which don't do it for me. You can conduct your sex life as you please, but you have no idea what goes on with women. 6
musemaj11 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 This is like asking, "How do I keep a woman interested without spending a single penny on her?" Its not impossible but chances are you are going to have to pick out of the undesirables because those with options aren't going to put up with less when there are others lining up at the ready to give them more. 1
phineas Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 This is like asking, "How do I keep a woman interested without spending a single penny on her?" Its not impossible but chances are you are going to have to pick out of the undesirables because those with options aren't going to put up with less when there are others lining up at the ready to give them more. /thread If men keep bailing after sex then it's one of two things, the guys she picks to have sex with or it's something about her that makes them flee. I refuse to pay for another man's crimes. But let's be real here, not many women who really want a man will even bring this crap up because they know a man with options will pass her by. It's only women luke warm at best who will say things like this because in my experience, every woman who did say this to me back in my fat days wound up in a "relationship" with some much better looking guy a very short time after I got tired of waiting around for MONTHS & all that crap about waiting & taking it slow obviously went out the window.
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 WTF If a man feels genuine connection to you, he will have no problem waiting for a month or so.. 2
USMCHokie Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I recently read an interesting blog entry that explained the "payment" system that women utilize for sex. They require "payment" in some form in exchange for sex; whether it be financial compensation such as dates or gifts, status payment in the form of fame or social empowerment, or security payment, in the form of a commitment within a relationship ultimately leading to marriage. Seems like a simple way to explain a bartering system between men and women, since its illegal to have nonconsensual sex with a woman. So it's basically sex for stuff.
Revolver Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 This is like asking, "How do I keep a woman interested without spending a single penny on her?" Its not impossible but chances are you are going to have to pick out of the undesirables because those with options aren't going to put up with less when there are others lining up at the ready to give them more. For example, A loser will have no problem waiting 3,4,5,6 months and up for sex because he has zero options and is probably so happy a woman is finally giving him any type of attention he'll live with that. A guy with options won't, especially in 2012.
xxoo Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I recently read an interesting blog entry that explained the "payment" system that women utilize for sex. They require "payment" in some form in exchange for sex; whether it be financial compensation such as dates or gifts, status payment in the form of fame or social empowerment, or security payment, in the form of a commitment within a relationship ultimately leading to marriage. Seems like a simple way to explain a bartering system between men and women, since its illegal to have nonconsensual sex with a woman. So it's basically sex for stuff. Sounds like a man trying to understand female sexuality through the lens of men's psychology. 3
phineas Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 For example, A loser will have no problem waiting 3,4,5,6 months and up for sex because he has zero options and is probably so happy a woman is finally giving him any type of attention he'll live with that. A guy with options won't, especially in 2012. Oh hai! Me two yrs ago. 2012 was a much better yr for me. 1
movingon12 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I recently read an interesting blog entry that explained the "payment" system that women utilize for sex. They require "payment" in some form in exchange for sex; whether it be financial compensation such as dates or gifts, status payment in the form of fame or social empowerment, or security payment, in the form of a commitment within a relationship ultimately leading to marriage. Seems like a simple way to explain a bartering system between men and women, since its illegal to have nonconsensual sex with a woman. So it's basically sex for stuff. Hmmm, maybe, but I think most women would require very little 'stuff' in exchange for having sex with a man they like, trust and are attracted to. The problem with this theory is that implies women don't like having sex - they just use it as a way of getting things. And that's not true, women do like having sex, they just need to be more careful about it (i.e. pregnancy risks) and don't want to end up regretting it (emotionally). I think the 'stuff' is just a way for a man to show you you can trust him 'see I've bought you xxx - this proves I like you'. Otherwise you've got rely on his words (not a good indication of anything) or wait till he marries you (too long!)
movingon12 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 WTF If a man feels genuine connection to you, he will have no problem waiting for a month or so.. But if a woman feels a genuine connection to him, she won't want to wait for a month or so.
pbjbear Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 But if a woman feels a genuine connection to him, she won't want to wait for a month or so. Nope, not true. If I really like a guy I actually make myself hold off for a bit but I certainly dont make him wait forever. The way a guy acts towards you the first month you date is rarely an accurate representation of himself. Most men Ive dated, their personality on the first 5 dates or so is showing their best behavior. This is just an excuse so men can pump and dump girls and rationalize their behavior. Waiting a month is not a big deal...however the poster above me that talked about waiting 4 months....I personally think that is too long. But to each their own 2
pbjbear Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 This is like asking, "How do I keep a woman interested without spending a single penny on her?" Its not impossible but chances are you are going to have to pick out of the undesirables because those with options aren't going to put up with less when there are others lining up at the ready to give them more. I pay for the majority of my dates and Im still interested in the men I see. Im coming more and more to see most of the men that post on LS.org are men that are very bitter about women and are meeting low quality women. The normal men do not bother coming to this site to make such statements Perhaps go after a better quality girl and you wont even feel the need to say things like that.
Drseussgrrl Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 According to the male posters here it's a lose-lose sitch. If you don't put out right away, they move on to the next, esp. if it's a guy with "options". But let's just assume that I sleep with EVERY dude I like within the first couple of dates. Do you know how many men that would amount to? WAY more than I'm comfortable with. And also according to the male posters here, that would add up to a sexual history that you'd use to judge me or feel uncomfortable with. So guys, which is it??? 4
mesmerized Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 According to the male posters here it's a lose-lose sitch. If you don't put out right away, they move on to the next, esp. if it's a guy with "options". But let's just assume that I sleep with EVERY dude I like within the first couple of dates. Do you know how many men that would amount to? WAY more than I'm comfortable with. And also according to the male posters here, that would add up to a sexual history that you'd use to judge me or feel uncomfortable with. So guys, which is it??? As you can clearly see here, men are idiots. They want a woman who sleeps with them fast but not with any other man. If that is not the definition of idiocy and stupid expectations, I don't know what else is. 6
Lonely Ronin Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 As you can clearly see here, men are idiots. They want a woman who sleeps with them fast but not with any other man. If that is not the definition of idiocy and stupid expectations, I don't know what else is. To play devils advocate, I think that would make the man in question special......
Drseussgrrl Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 To play devils advocate, I think that would make the man in question special...... Well it wouldn't make me feel "special" if said dude dropped me because I didn't put out within three dates and I mean come on, he has OPTIONS. 5
mesmerized Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 To play devils advocate, I think that would make the man in question special...... I would hope that at 40 years old, a man is finally over the disney movies he used to watch as a kid. Sure he may be special but that doesn't mean he is the only special man that she has ever ran into.
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