tuxedo cat's coping journal

[tuxedo cat]

He got to me more than anybody else ever did. Listening to him talk was the best feeling in the world, like curling up with a favorite book. We shared weird childhood experiences and that seemed to kind of reverse some of the loneliness from my past, as if he were a secret presence at those moments when I thought I was alone.

 

He could also be a real dick. According to him so much about me was socially inept. I didn't know how to connect with my eyes during lulls in conversations, I didn't know how to hug. More than once he actually took my hand and walked me through the proper way to give a hug -- keep your hands steady, don't stroke.

 

Wherever we went he walked three paces ahead of me. He claimed he just walked fast and "forgot" to slow down for me but I noticed the gap widened as our relationship deteriorated and he stopped giving a fck.

 

Touching him the right way was a complicated art that I never fully mastered. He seemed to have a forcefield that covered half of his body and constantly shifted at random so that at any moment there were any number of places where I could and couldn't touch.

 

I keep forgetting that I was the one who ended this relationship. Part of me regretted the decision right after I made it. At one point I even begged him to give us another chance. But his mind was already made.

 

It's been two months but it feels like less because we were still acting like a couple until a few weeks ago. He was still calling me every night.

 

I went no contact a few days ago and heard from him two days later. It started with a "thinking of you" text from him. Then he called me, we had a long conversation, he told me he really missed me and didn't want me to hang up. This left me feeling good and then bad. So now here I am at day 1 of no contact. I don't think I have the strength to not answer if he contacts me, not yet, but I will no longer initiate.

 

I just I hope I can get to a place where not a single part of me wants to be with him anymore.

 

I just checked his tumblr to find he had made a post a few minutes ago. Usually he posts on there when he's feeling lonely. So I know he's probably missing me, and it's taking a lot of self control for me not to reach out to him right now knowing that he'll be receptive.

 

I really love him. This hurts so much.

Edited December 10, 2012 by tuxedo cat

[Pinky777]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Keep in mind why you broke up with him, it was for a reason, you weren't happy and it wasn't working. It's normal to miss someone you love so much. I'm going through it too, I love my ex to death and miss him like mad even though I know the relationship can't work. I miss the good things. I'm on 9 days NC and it's a bit easier now (though I won't lie, no picnic). Hang in there!

[tuxedo cat]

Day 2 of no contact. I've had multiple urges to contact, so far have resisted.

 

I have a crush on this guy at my job who reminds a lot of my ex, only less crazy. Both writers, introverted, a bit dark, really intelligent and articulate, smokers, OCD about cleanliness. They both love JG Ballard and William Gibson. They even have similar eyes -- sort of Asian looking with nearly black irises.

 

I feel certain that they'd be friends if they ever met, which I'm sure will never happen. I can just see them standing on a curb together smoking.

 

But this guy doesn't seem to share the same commitment phobia. Unlike my ex he at least has one serious and stable long term relationship under his belt that he did not end. I also just really like the ways in which he's different too. He has these warm dark eyes that make me feel so safe.

 

He's gotten really touchy lately. Every day now when he passes me, he will touch my back or shoulder and it's driving me nuts. I want him so bad. Arg. OK, useless crush but maybe it will help get me over my ex? This is the first time I've liked somebody so much since my ex.

[todreaminblue]

im sorry you are going through hard times with nc tuxedo cat....i am not good at nc because its against my nature to avoid people i care about....i know its necessary......from next week ill probably be doing this myself....makes em sick to think abotu it....so i am trying not to.......and enjoy today and face the nc thing brute fo a thing.......when i have to face it....i will probably get out and spend time with soemone else.......but i will be thinking without a doubt about someone who i would rather be with...hugs to ya big fat ones.deb

[tuxedo cat]

The one thing that is making it hardest for me to resist contacting him -- I keep thinking that if NC is making it easier for me to get over him it must be doing the same for him with me...and I don't want him to get over me, because I don't want to lose all hope that we could ever be together again.

[tuxedo cat]

Geez this list is long:

 

-he hated being touched affectionately after sex, described it as "painful" and insisted this was a physiological reaction all/most guys shared

-he was a selfish lover

-he often insisted I suck him off first thing I visited and would be pissy for the rest of the night if I told him I wanted to wait until after dinner

-he told me he didn't like kissing and performed virtually no foreplay before sex.

-he wouldn't let my mouth touch the comforter of his bed because he was worried about germs

-once when I was really sick, had been in ER twice for dehydration, he told me that he didn't know if he could be with somebody who was "always sick" despite the fact that he got sick way more often than I did and I was always there for him when he was

-he would often refuse to take my hand in public

-he told me while we were still together that he loved me but wasn't in love with me

-he put insane demands on my time when he needed support but was unable to give or only in very short bursts when I needed his, then would resent me for it later

-he told me that my shyness wasn't "normal"

-he future faked me constantly at the start of our relationship and then got angry at me later for calling him out on his BS

-he had a tiny head that was smaller than mine and it felt wrong whenever i saw a picture of us together

-he had effeminate interests and hobbies, like he kept a folder full of photographs of his favorite furniture to put in his dream house

Edited December 10, 2012 by tuxedo cat

[tuxedo cat]

Quoted from Baggage Reclaim for truth:

 

It’s very difficult to gain objectivity, perspective, and a sense of reality if you’re submerged in an underworld of illusions. You’ll feel intrinsically tied to him irrespective of whatever pain you have been through and become convinced that having him in any way, shape, or form, is better than not having him at all in your life. And so you will opt back into the cycle and likely make contact with him and go through all the rigmarole until something else happens to cause you to feel like you have to find a way out of the relationship.

[jwhite]

My ex gf also walked far away from me....like the whole time. She also thought I wasnt clean enough.

[tuxedo cat]

I was doing all good with the NC, got through almost two days and then he just contacted me again at 1:30 AM. At this point he is initiating all the contact. He sent me a text that said, "I miss you so much :(" and then immediately called me. His voice sounded shaky on the phone, he said how much he missed me, I tried to get off and he kept begging me to stay on a little longer. He told me he's closer to me than anyone else in the world and he's missed "connecting with you so much." I am sure he doesn't want to get back together so why does he torture me like this? Finally I got off the phone and ended up feeling back to square one.

[tuxedo cat]

Last night when he called me and started getting all wobbly voiced, saying he missed me, I asked him if he wanted to get back together. He said "I don't know." That destroyed any shred of pride I had racked up from our last conversation. I haven't decided whether I will answer or not when he contacts me again with something that demands a response like "I miss you", but I definitely won't betray any vulnerability, that's lethal.

 

This morning he texted me again with some random observation about a movie. I hate pointless texts like that. I didn't respond. I just hid my phone in my purse and turned the ringer on silent.

 

I know there's probably a way to get him back, but it would involve so many elaborate machinations that it's just not worth the hit it would take on my self esteem.

[tuxedo cat]

I miss him. I last heard from him yesterday when he sent me a random text about some movie to which I didn't respond. Part of me was hoping he'd contact me today, but he didn't. I haven't initiated contact with him in almost a week. I've only occasionally responded when he's gotten in touch with me.

 

I just had a slip and checked out his tumblr.

 

I am having vague urges to text him tonight but I must stay strong. Even if the reasons don't feel right to me now, some day they will.

[tuxedo cat]

Sigh. So I slipped and sent him this text half an hour ago: "hey". He didn't respond, which really stung. I was surprised since he has been the one to initiate contact recently and our last conversation a week ago ended on good terms. I need to just get back on the wagon and put this behind me and continue with no contact.

 

In a way this makes it easier, because I'm less likely to contact him again after he didn't respond to my first attempt. Also makes me angry at him and kills some of the nostalgia I was feeling.

[tuxedo cat]

Another silver lining to this slip is I'm kind of surprised that I don't care *more*. In the past when he has ignored my texts, I've felt panicky and desperate, and I did for about three minutes but then the feeling passed. I guess I'm gradually getting less emotionally invested.

[tuxedo cat]

Last night he called me and he didn't sound good. He told me he hadn't talked to anyone outside of work in weeks. At one point during our conversation he blurted out "I love you." When I tried to get off the phone he kept saying "just a few more minutes." The conversation dragged on for an hour.

 

As the prospect of getting back together with him brightened I remembered all the reasons i didn't want to be with him. I know even if we were together he would just string me along forever.

Edited December 18, 2012 by tuxedo cat

[tuxedo cat]

Here's the thing. Lately I'm fixated on this fantasy image of my ex that never even remotely existed. It's this younger, cuter version of him, partially pieced together from pictures he showed me of what he looked like at 21, partially pieced together from my own fantasy boyfriend traits. Fantasy ex enjoys sports, surfs, is tan, is fairly popular, is about 2 inches taller, holds me tight at night, is simple in his love and devotion, lacks the neurotic hangups. Plus everything i loved about my ex -- his intelligence, quirky sense of humor, interest in the world. In a way it's liberating to transfer my fixation onto this fantasy because I can see all the ways in which my ex falls short. It's not like I need to land some ideal boyfriend to be happy, but I guess this just reminds me that there are different from my ex traits that I can find even hotter.

 

He called me again last night. I picked up. We spoke on and off for three hours about what we'd been up to. It definitely set me back. I can resist not contacting him but I can't seem to resist answering when he contacts me. I need to be stronger. My goal for next time will be to at least wait a few hours to call him back so I have time to compose myself and also so I don't feel so damn desperate.

 

I am getting ready to go to a work Christmas party right now. I guess that's good, since it's the only really social thing I've done since we broke up two months ago.

[tuxedo cat]

I made out with my work crush at the Christmas party last night! He said he's liked me for awhile and kept hoping something would happen. We're going to hang out/go on a date after Christmas! Wow, that was fast.

Edited December 23, 2012 by tuxedo cat

[tuxedo cat]

we are officially dating