So painful

[you_had_me]

Hi,

 

I will try and condense as much as I can.

 

My ex and I were best friends for two years. He is 26 and I am 27. We met at work and instantly had an amazing connection. I never wanted more and never thought of him as more than a friend. Unknown to me, he was in love with me for 3/4's of our friendship but at the time we were both with someone. Mine fell out about 6 months after our friendship and his about a year and a half later. Everyone who knows us would say that we would end up together because of our connection.

 

And then... 8 months ago things started happening, and we got it together 7 months ago and it was amazing. We both said that we loved each other very early on because we both felt it strongly and we both said that we are soulmates and honestly, the love feels like... it feels like fairytale love.

 

For about a month we were really great - we were best friends that fell in love, exactly how we should have been. Then the fear surfaced... we both come from very bad pasts - mine much worse than him, but it's stuff that I have worked through with myself and a psychologist and have come through to the other side. He has never acknowledged his and has never had to because he's built a very safe life for himself. I am a fighter and he is someone who runs away, but who wants to fight. We started fighting - he had done something before we got together in order to get over his ex, but it so stupid, but it was something that was hard for me to deal with because it made me question him and myself. In the end I realised that everyone makes mistakes and I moved on. But then it became about something else - he will not move out of home. He wants to but because of his past he has an attachment with his childhood home instead of his mother (no father - he has only met him once). So then that was hard. In the end I came to realise that he has reached the point in his life (very late) where he needs to decide to move forward because the way he was living in the past is not working anymore and he is running scared. The relationship he had with me pushed him to this point and so now he is blaming me and the relationship for bringing up his problems. We have been broken up for a week now... and have had a little bit of contact in between initated by both of us.

 

He broke it off saying that he loves me and wants me but does not want to be in a relationship. It's not about finding someone new or anything - he's not like that. But he thinks that a relationship is too much responsibility and does not want to be held accountable for anything. But the thing is - we could be still be amazing together. And he has said the same thing. But in a single conversation he can say to me: I love you, I miss you, I can see a future but I don't believe in it, I can't rule out a future (but he has ruled this out with his exes, but not with me), he wants me to be in his life but doesn't care if I walk away, he wants me to be his best friend (which basically means he gets everything, but we don't have the physical stuff really), he gets upset if I go NC... We both have the same vision, we can see how great it can be, but he won't allow himself to think of it.

 

I feel like he wants to come back but doesn't know how. But I don't know how to move on. I have realised that it's over for now. But I know in my heart he is my soulmate - and I have never believed in those things, but I know we have love of the truest kind but he is running away from me for things that I have no control over. I feel like if I go no contact then I will never have a chance to make him see the person he fell in love with. He's so trapped in the thoughts of the past that he can't see the future. But I can't just go back to "just friends" when we could have so much more. He needs to step up... how can I make him see?

 

I want him back so much. I love him so much. We have talked about all of this, I have tried to make him see what is going on here - not so much as to convince to come back because I know he needs to come back of his own accord otherwise it won't work, but more to see that there's a real chance here and that he just needs to take a leap of faith - because life is literally on the other side. To stay where he is will mean drowning.

 

Am I holding onto something that will never happen?

Edited December 10, 2012 by you_had_me
Title change

[CptSaveAho]

Yup,

 

You dealt with your issues from your past, fought through it etc.

 

He now needs to do it (on his own). You can't tell him, make him, force him to deal with it. When he's ready and only when he's ready, he will make that step. Right now, he has no idea what is going on in his world, so everything he says is "HOT AIR" Until his actions, actually match his words, its time to mark this as a loss and move forward.

 

I understand what you are going through and I see myself falling for the same stuff you do (hence my user name), but you have to be the bigger person and just let him go. Go NC and move forward.

 

I really believe this is one of our fatal flaws, we see our past selves in people we grow to love and we want to try to fix them or make them see the light at the other end of the tunnel (while deep downing, knowing it might not work but if it did work, it would be amazing because of who we are now)

Edited December 10, 2012 by CptSaveAho