Dealing with my bf's friend's girlfriend/left out of social gatherings

[Myob12345]

May have posted this in the wrong place earlier. I'm looking for advice on how people cope when they aren't included in their boyfriend's social group. I'm not on bad terms with any of them, but the time I hang out with them is limited because I'm in a LDR and only see them all during breaks.

 

The issue I have is with his friend's girlfriend, "Marge". I know Marge, we've talked, I'm always polite with her even though she isn't a person I would be friends with normally but I've found her a little insufferable since she made a snide remark about my schooling taking a long time (doctorate program).

 

So Marge has recently taken it upon herself to completely integrate herself into her boyfriend "Richard's" life. She organizes theme parties and events, has somehow gotten all of his friends' phone numbers and contacts them regularly. IIf you're curious I can explain more about what her personality is like. It's great and all, but the problem is when she organizes events, I'm not on the invite list. Everyone is invited-- people from out of town, other guys' girlfriends, but not me.

 

My bf had another girl add me to the list of the latest event, so Marge texted my boyfriend a couple weeks later (as opposed to directly messaging me on facebook or something...) asking if I was coming or not (even though something came up, so I had posted on the wall already saying I couldn't make it). My boyfriend tells her I'm not coming.

 

A few hours later she goes onto the event "wall" and posts "I'm so excited we have 100% turnout for this event!!!!!!!"

 

I found this kind of hurtful, because it seems like she doesn't even consider me as part of their "group" and seems strange to me to comment on how "everyone is coming!!!" considering she just found out I couldn't make it.

 

I guess I'm not sure how to cope with this girl. I'm angry, frustrated, and have a pet peeve about being left out of social groups. I worry about the future of my relationship with his social group because this girl literally organizes all of their hangouts excepting a few. My bf says Marge is just "stupid" and can't do math, and this isn't intentional, but I've met her, and she's not a dumb girl. His advice is to try harder to befriend her, but I'm prideful enough that if I get negative feedback from someone twice, I feel pathetic trying to go out of my way to make them like me.

 

TLDR: BF's friend's girlfriend leaves me out of social gatherings. Finally got an invite from another person to her latest event on facebook, but found out I couldn't make it later on. She texts my boyfriend to ask if I am coming rather than contacting me directly, then proceeds to post "I'm EXCITED we have 100% turnout!!!!" right after she finds out I can't come. How to deal?

Edited December 9, 2012 by Myob12345

[Balzac]

Are you the only student? How many of the social group hold advanced degrees?

 

This situation is about poor social skills, bad manners and dysfunctional communication. While it may be that Marge doesn't like you, it's the other issues in play. The social group tolerates her poor skill set.

[darkmoon]

obey your boyf, go along with his mindset, cuz marge is doing what she can to cause a problem, so don't do anything, tbh, i think she's a queen-bee/pain organising everybody

 

i think she likes him but he does not like her (I say like, but am talking attraction) jealous women can be flattering, you might have to accept things, but next time there's an event, comfirm with your boyf that you can make it

[Myob12345]

Are you the only student? How many of the social group hold advanced degrees?

 

This situation is about poor social skills, bad manners and dysfunctional communication. While it may be that Marge doesn't like you, it's the other issues in play. The social group tolerates her poor skill set.

 

Yes I am the only student and the only one working towards a doctorate degree. Everyone recently received their bachelors degrees and they are working.

 

I think maybe she didn't mean to be malicious by it, but for me at least, I always try to make sure everyone is included in things because I know how much it sucks to be left out. So it's difficult for me to understand how she could do/say the things she does.

[Balzac]

Oh wow~obey. Geesh. Could you consider "defer"?

Had to throw that option out there.

[Balzac]

Yes I am the only student and the only one working towards a doctorate degree. Everyone recently received their bachelors degrees and they are working.

 

I think maybe she didn't mean to be malicious by it, but for me at least, I always try to make sure everyone is included in things because I know how much it sucks to be left out. So it's difficult for me to understand how she could do/say the things she does.

 

It's not difficult for an intelligent PhD candidate! Helz no. Marge has personality problems, insecurity and does not play well with others. Confronting her is easy enough but often the best outcome is to ignore such a woman. It's worthwhile to dialogue w your BF about communication skill outside of this one woman. As he becomes more able to see functional communication styles, then apply it to Marge. Maybe your BF is newly into his career and not up to speed on etiquette. Maybe BF & Buddy chose long ago to ignore Marge's incompetence.

 

Think of her as a woman who uses poor grammar. It's just who she is and where she came from.

[Myob12345]

It's not difficult for an intelligent PhD candidate! Helz no. Marge has personality problems, insecurity and does not play well with others. Confronting her is easy enough but often the best outcome is to ignore such a woman. It's worthwhile to dialogue w your BF about communication skill outside of this one woman. As he becomes more able to see functional communication styles, then apply it to Marge. Maybe your BF is newly into his career and not up to speed on etiquette. Maybe BF & Buddy chose long ago to ignore Marge's incompetence.

 

Think of her as a woman who uses poor grammar. It's just who she is and where she came from.

 

She actually isn't socially incompetent. She's one of those girls who is very concerned with her status/image and comes across as very, very animated and social when she speaks. She wants to always be throwing parties and going on double dates. She got my boyfriends phone number somehow, has every other guy's phone number and texts them. She regularly has convos on facebook with another guy's gf (they recently met and suddenly became bffs) that are the ones where girls compliment each other, have 5 exclamation points per sentence and like every single message that is posted. E.g. "Hehe i love you!!!!!!! we totally think the same way!!!!!! :):)" "omg i know we totally both posted at the same time!!!!!!!!!"

 

To me, it seems fake, though I think she has toned it down since I first met her.

 

For example, she used to complain to me about her boyfriend's dress style. When she talked about it she would look over at him, sigh in an exaggerated manner, and say "BOoooooys." I can't really confer her tone online haha. She also would call her boyfriend "honey" and "sweetie" in this sickly, exaggerated tone. Not sure if she still does that. Just trying to give an idea of what she's like-- not socially incompetent for sure. Maybe the complete opposite. Like overly social.

 

But no one else seems to (outwardly) have an issue with her. My boyfriend finds her annoying and a little tactless but no complaints otherwise.

 

It does help a little to think of her as someone who just has a different upbringing from me though. Perhaps she just doesn't realize that excluding one person from events comes off in a bad way.

Edited December 9, 2012 by Myob12345

[Balzac]

She has managed to intimidate you. You have insecurity re: your BF and Marge.

 

I reiterate my opinions about Marge. In the adult social world, she's inept. The purpose of manners and functional communication is to consider feelings and to keep interaction civilized.

 

Pull yourself together. In time this group of recent grads will have disbanded or gained skill in communication. You are entering into a different world. Hopefully your BF will be able to step up his skill set too.

[todreaminblue]

being discluded or discounted is segregation and makes you feel isolated ......sets you apart from your boyfriend because marge intends it to be that way....by getting angry with her you are giving her what she wants a reaction.......if she is socially inept which i doubt because she is the one who is chosen to organise events i guess....she must have some savvy.....so that takes it back to wanting a reaction from you for whatever motive she holds to herself....dont approach dont react other than to open up to your bf and let him know how you feel ask his advice or he may naturally try to help you work through it......because after all he is the important one not marg not the parties.....am i right?

 

 

i dont like forced isolation or segregation i am passionately against this.....i dont like cliques that exclude people and if i were a part of an exclusion it would be until i found out people were excluded who had no real reason to be excluded...if it was someone i was with....i would automatically be defensive and protective..an automatic see ya later this group is whack.....or friend you are whack bye bye...i dont need friends or people like that in my life ...talk to your bf..deb

[Pirouette]

Here's my take. I wouldn't worry about being left out of social gatherings. If you boyfriend is invited, you're invited. And likely no one else has noticed that you've been left out of events and the whatnot (since you are LD), so they won't take their cue from her. Unfortunately, if she does become the central hub for events, there is nothing you can do to make her explicitly include you.

 

If she is in fact playing a social game with you, don't indulge her. Show up to events, every one that you can, look great, and if she ever dares to say something along the lines of "I didn't know you were coming?/Oh were you invited?" just calmly say, "Of course. I didn't realize you deliberately didn't invite me." Then socialize, socialize with everyone else.

 

And if those 100% attendance remarks annoy you, just post right under it. "Actually, I can't make it, but I wish that I could. Hope everyone has a great time!" Anything that bothers you, confront it directly and calmly and put it out there for everyone to see. That's how you stop a subversive game player.

[Myob12345]

Here's my take. I wouldn't worry about being left out of social gatherings. If you boyfriend is invited, you're invited. And likely no one else has noticed that you've been left out of events and the whatnot (since you are LD), so they won't take their cue from her. Unfortunately, if she does become the central hub for events, there is nothing you can do to make her explicitly include you.

 

If she is in fact playing a social game with you, don't indulge her. Show up to events, every one that you can, look great, and if she ever dares to say something along the lines of "I didn't know you were coming?/Oh were you invited?" just calmly say, "Of course. I didn't realize you deliberately didn't invite me." Then socialize, socialize with everyone else.

 

And if those 100% attendance remarks annoy you, just post right under it. "Actually, I can't make it, but I wish that I could. Hope everyone has a great time!" Anything that bothers you, confront it directly and calmly and put it out there for everyone to see. That's how you stop a subversive game player.

 

Thanks, that's a good idea/good response. Definitely going to keep that in mind if there's a next time!

[darkmoon]

Oh wow~obey. Geesh. Could you consider "defer"?

Had to throw that option out there.

 

yes, defer then