She just wanted space and I have messed up

[LondonRed]

This is a long story but to cut it short, I have been having a long distance relationship with an ex work colleague since last May. We really like eachother and it's been a whirlwind of non stop email, texts, whatsapp, facebook etc ever since.

 

So much so that she agreed to move here from Australia. I got her a job at our company again but this time based in London. She is due to join at the end of this month.

 

In November due to the stress of leaving a job, joining a new country, a new company and her sisters wedding she said she didn't want a relationship right now and would postpone it until she arrived as she was so busy and stressed and didn't want to neglect me. She just wanted space to get on with things.... this freaked me out like a jiltted lover and I was very anxious - the withdrawal symptoms of no communication was too much to bear - she totally changed towards me overnight.

 

But I didn't listen and I have constantly bombarded her with the same attention and we have argued almost constantly, we would agree to a break and I'd be sending her messages again the next morning. She has previously said she loved me but those messages and the niceness all stopped - suddenly.

 

I was suspicious that she had someone new but she kept saying, just wait until I get there and I will be all yours.

 

I did the no contact rule last week and she came back and contacted me last Wednesday – thenon Wednesday and Thursday I proceeded to send her about 100 messages onWhatsApp. By Thursday night she had had enough and told me that I scared herand freaked her out as she had previous stalkers. I am not like that at all butthat’s how I came across especially as she was busy. Thursday night weagreed to a truce and to sort things out when she arrives – andwe would give eachother space until Christmas.

 

ByFriday morning I was messaging her again and we argued and she told me togo away. He sister gets married this week. I then said I would delete her number from my phone to stop mecontacting her – she said “thanks”.,.. which seemed a little heartless. I also blocked her on whatsapp and she then blocked me too.

 

But we still agreed that we would be friends when she came back and see how itgoes, and that I would call her Christmas day. I am one of the the main reasons she is coming to the UK ….

 

Is all lost or do you think things will get better face to face? What should I donow? I have been a jerk... I am thinking of not contacting her Christmas day, and not even asking about her flight and wait till I see her at work...

 

I am just so lost as I like her so much and I am not a clingy guy at all - just couldn't handle the no contact all so suddenly after being so together.

 

What do you all think?

[na49]

NC isn't easy, but it's what you have to do. Don't bother texting her or responding to her texts anymore. This will be your way of moving on.

[LondonRed]

NC isn't easy, but it's what you have to do. Don't bother texting her or responding to her texts anymore. This will be your way of moving on.

 

But she will be working with me in a few weeks in the same department and I am one of the main reasons she is coming - it will be awkward as I love her a lot - but she has had enough of my constant attention seeking... she hates that and says I was never like that before.

 

Is it time to end all of hope of being together and just treat like nothing happened and she is just a work colleague?

[na49]

Is it time to end all of hope of being together and just treat like nothing happened and she is just a work colleague?

 

Of course, but that is much easier said than done. Especially when you still love her. I'm trying to treat my ex like just some annoying girl in my class. Just not really paying any attention to her, but I still can't get myself to look at her without getting pissed off. So I don't make eye contact and I avoid her like the plague. I only have to see her this week, and then the semester is over and I shouldn't see her much, if at all around campus.

 

In your case, it'll be impossible to treat it like nothing happened. It'll be very awkward that you'll have to work with her. I don't think there's really anything you can do but give the impression that you are doing fine without her. (even though you aren't) and obviously don't bother her until then.

[LondonRed]

Of course, but that is much easier said than done. Especially when you still love her. I'm trying to treat my ex like just some annoying girl in my class. Just not really paying any attention to her, but I still can't get myself to look at her without getting pissed off. So I don't make eye contact and I avoid her like the plague. I only have to see her this week, and then the semester is over and I shouldn't see her much, if at all around campus.

 

In your case, it'll be impossible to treat it like nothing happened. It'll be very awkward that you'll have to work with her. I don't think there's really anything you can do but give the impression that you are doing fine without her. (even though you aren't) and obviously don't bother her until then.

 

So I shouldn't contact her om Christmas day like I promised? And shouldn't contact her about her flight although previously we agreed I'd pick her up from the airport?

 

Or shall I just play it cool and if she asks I'd say "you knew where I was, I was giving you the space you needed and I wouldn't want to look clingy would I"?

 

Is it resurrectable in future is my question? She will be less stressed, in a new country and away from the reasons why she needed space which was her sister's wedding and the move.

[salmagundi]

At this point I highly doubt it is ressurrectable given your highly insecure behavior. I mean, what's done is done but you know that all that crazy messaging had to freak her out and make her doubt your emotional stability right?

 

If you want any shot at all, assuming there is still any chance left you need to calm the **** down and start acting like somebody who's world won't completely fall apart the minute some women return a text message. That is very very unattractive. Be cool. Be independent. Give her space. Stop freaking out because it will only get you exactly the opposite of what you want. I think you already know that.

 

And probably accept that it is over and start living like it. If I'm wrong, well, good for you. And if I'm right you need to stop wasting your time and your emotional health acting like a jilted high school kid.

[LondonRed]

So it's over guys?

[movingon12]

What a mess!

 

As you say, your insecurity was certainly responsible for this, but you're going to have to work together, so you're going to have to find a way to be with her without freaking out.

 

If the last thing you agreed was that you would contact her on Christmas day, then I think you should do that. You have to work with her - even if the relationship isn't salvageable - you need to be civil. Call her at Christmas, and DON'T completely freak out again. A short, friendly, Happy Christmas call and that's it.

 

When you speak to her - assuming she agrees to speak to you, she may not - ask her if she still wants you to come pick her up when she arrives. If she says no, tell her that you understand but that if she changes her mind you'd be happy to pick her up.

 

Normally I'm all in favour of NC, but in this case I'll say it again: you'll have to work with her - and it seems you're the reason she's moving to London in the first place - so the least you can do is keep your promise of a lift from the airport.

 

If you throw your toys out of the pram and stop speaking to her completely it's going to make things even more awkward at work.

[LondonRed]

What a mess!

 

As you say, your insecurity was certainly responsible for this, but you're going to have to work together, so you're going to have to find a way to be with her without freaking out.

 

If the last thing you agreed was that you would contact her on Christmas day, then I think you should do that. You have to work with her - even if the relationship isn't salvageable - you need to be civil. Call her at Christmas, and DON'T completely freak out again. A short, friendly, Happy Christmas call and that's it.

 

When you speak to her - assuming she agrees to speak to you, she may not - ask her if she still wants you to come pick her up when she arrives. If she says no, tell her that you understand but that if she changes her mind you'd be happy to pick her up.

 

Normally I'm all in favour of NC, but in this case I'll say it again: you'll have to work with her - and it seems you're the reason she's moving to London in the first place - so the least you can do is keep your promise of a lift from the airport.

 

If you throw your toys out of the pram and stop speaking to her completely it's going to make things even more awkward at work.

 

Yes it is a total mess and purely on the basis of me contacting her too much and freaking her out - we haven't argued and always had a wonderful loving relationship.

 

Social Media has messed everything up. I am going through a lot personally but she's too busy for me which freaks me out too.... her response though "we will be together soon" is a reasonable one though.

 

Here is the how the conversation will go:

 

"How how are you? Merry Christamas etc etc..... I hope you are well and looking forward to London. Do you want me to pick you up from the airport Saturday? - see her response.

 

No matter the outcome of the conversation I am not going to get down or up about it. I think it is salvagable if only because I am the reason she is coming and once the wedding and the move is over - she will be here alone and without stress. And I am the reason she is here...

 

But you are right, moving slowly and even just being a work colleague for now is how I need to behave. But it's so hard.

[movingon12]

Sounds like you know what you need to do, just try to focus on the long term and don't let your emotions take over. Good luck!

[veggirl]

OMG! First of all when someone tells you they need "space" they are full of s.hit, they don't wanna be with you.

 

Second of all, 100 txts in a day?! Yes you look psychotic doing that and you probably blew it! Leave her alone!! If she has any interest, she can come to you! You have done enough......TOO much...you do look like a stalker, god how embarrassing..DO NOT send her that Xmas text!! She can text you if she wants to!

[movingon12]

OMG! First of all when someone tells you they need "space" they are full of s.hit, they don't wanna be with you.

 

If she was delaying/cancelling the move to London, then I'd agree - but as she is apparently still planning to move half way around the world to be nearer to him, I don't think it's that simple.

[Survivor12]

I am curious...you said that you have been carrying on a LDR since last May which I assume is when you were transferred to London. If so, what as your relationship with her and how long had it been going on prior to your move?

[LondonRed]

Here is the deal and in summary:

 

She used to be a colleague and we got on great but never really spoke about liking eachother. I live in UK and she lives in Australia and she worked for the same company so we met a lot and often did dinner etc. After she left we stayed in touch and then it developed starting last May. I've always lived in UK.

 

It was like a whirlwind and we even spoke about marriage.

 

Then after she got the job in UK to move nearer to me she got really busy with her sisters wedding (she runs the house and their dad left them and mum doesn't work), she got busy leaving her senior role at work and they made it hard for her leave, and she had to sell her two houses, and move her belongings to UK including her car. She asked for space.

 

I refused to give her that space and each message made things worse when now we aren't even on speaking teams.

 

1. I've left it by saying I will call her Christmas Day - she agreed

2. She has said we can only be friends now and start again as she no longer feels the same trust as before (she used to have a stalker) - she wants time to get to know me again in person.

3. She arrives in UK at the end of the month

 

Where I have done NC in the past (only last week) she came back after 4 days and I messed up again.

 

This time it is serious and we have deleted numbers etc so she can have some peace. She did likewise on whatsapp but kept my number in her phone.

 

My friends are saying not to contact her at all, not even on Christmas day as she knows where I am... and then start fresh in trying to win her over again after she starts work here - all it takes is a coffee and a good adult chat.

 

Become unavailable and a little harder to get and the same time prove I am not clingy - I have the advantage that she is coming.

 

Others have said I promised to call her xmas day and so I should but keep it short and say I am there if she needs me.

 

Others have said Xmas day is a good day to get back together and start fresh with a clean slate as she will be festive...

 

I am confused!!

[Tree_Salmon]

This is a long story but to cut it short, I have been having a long distance relationship with an ex work colleague since last May. We really like eachother and it's been a whirlwind of non stop email, texts, whatsapp, facebook etc ever since.

 

So much so that she agreed to move here from Australia. I got her a job at our company again but this time based in London. She is due to join at the end of this month.

 

In November due to the stress of leaving a job, joining a new country, a new company and her sisters wedding she said she didn't want a relationship right now and would postpone it until she arrived as she was so busy and stressed and didn't want to neglect me. She just wanted space to get on with things.... this freaked me out like a jiltted lover and I was very anxious - the withdrawal symptoms of no communication was too much to bear - she totally changed towards me overnight.

 

But I didn't listen and I have constantly bombarded her with the same attention and we have argued almost constantly, we would agree to a break and I'd be sending her messages again the next morning. She has previously said she loved me but those messages and the niceness all stopped - suddenly.

 

I was suspicious that she had someone new but she kept saying, just wait until I get there and I will be all yours.

 

I did the no contact rule last week and she came back and contacted me last Wednesday – thenon Wednesday and Thursday I proceeded to send her about 100 messages onWhatsApp. By Thursday night she had had enough and told me that I scared herand freaked her out as she had previous stalkers. I am not like that at all butthat’s how I came across especially as she was busy. Thursday night weagreed to a truce and to sort things out when she arrives – andwe would give eachother space until Christmas.

 

ByFriday morning I was messaging her again and we argued and she told me togo away. He sister gets married this week. I then said I would delete her number from my phone to stop mecontacting her – she said “thanks”.,.. which seemed a little heartless. I also blocked her on whatsapp and she then blocked me too.

 

But we still agreed that we would be friends when she came back and see how itgoes, and that I would call her Christmas day. I am one of the the main reasons she is coming to the UK ….

 

Is all lost or do you think things will get better face to face? What should I donow? I have been a jerk... I am thinking of not contacting her Christmas day, and not even asking about her flight and wait till I see her at work...

 

I am just so lost as I like her so much and I am not a clingy guy at all - just couldn't handle the no contact all so suddenly after being so together.

 

What do you all think?

 

Sounds to me like you're rationalizing for her and making excuses for the fact that she doesn't really want to be with you.

 

Breaks are bulls**t and nothing you do is changing how she feels. And how she feels is she doesn't really like you that much.

 

Stop blaming yourself, this sh*t was over the second she thought about wanting a break. You'll see this in the future.

 

Your situation sounds immature. Be glad its over with. And for fu*k sake don't blame yourself.

 

Pick your balls up. Why would you want to be with a woman who gets annoyed at the sound of you caring?

You prepared to walk on egg shells all your life?

 

Cmon. Move on. There's plenty of people out there.

[LondonRed]

I just contacted her by SMS.

 

But I had to.

 

She leaves her job before Christmas and I'm off abroad today so would need a number call. The response will tell me a lot.

[itsmyfault]

I think she was telling the truth, She probably did just need some space.

 

I mean how stressful must it be to move your life from one country to another?!?!

You should have just done what she had asked. Why?

 

Reasons:

 

1) If there had been someone else, then at least you'd have had a month of low/no contact and it would have hurt less.

 

2) You would have kept some dignity and self respect and not looked like a stalker.

[Tree_Salmon]

I think she was telling the truth, She probably did just need some space.

 

I mean how stressful must it be to move your life from one country to another?!?!

You should have just done what she had asked. Why?

 

Reasons:

 

1) If there had been someone else, then at least you'd have had a month of low/no contact and it would have hurt less.

 

2) You would have kept some dignity and self respect and not looked like a stalker.

 

When my life gets stressful, i usually like being around the people i give a sh*t about.

 

Stop making excuses for flaky people.

 

She doesn't want to be around you because she doesn't want to be around you.

[LondonRed]

Just so you know she returned my text: Here it is:

 

"Hello you!

Here is my other number can't believe you deleted it! I am not angry anymore but really stressed. I need a friend more than a boyfriend right now so let's be platonic friends as I have not been happy with you lately. I will arrive soon and we can see from there. Chat on Christmas day if you haven't lost my number by then "

 

So what does mean? I think it means, you "f**cked up" and have a lot of grovelling to do before I let you near me but I am happy to try again as friends.

 

Or is it just a "get lost, we are only friends"....?

[Tree_Salmon]

Just so you know she returned my text: Here it is:

 

"Hello you!

Here is my other number can't believe you deleted it! I am not angry anymore but really stressed. I need a friend more than a boyfriend right now so let's be platonic friends as I have not been happy with you lately. I will arrive soon and we can see from there. Chat on Christmas day if you haven't lost my number by then "

 

So what does mean? I think it means, you "f**cked up" and have a lot of grovelling to do before I let you near me but I am happy to try again as friends.

 

Or is it just a "get lost, we are only friends"....?

 

It means "i'm going to continue playing you because you're a joke and I have o respect for you"

And you're falling right for it.

 

You do know you sound pathetic right?

This isn't going to end the way you want it to.

 

You can gloss over my advice all you want.

[Simon Phoenix]

Just so you know she returned my text: Here it is:

 

"Hello you!

Here is my other number can't believe you deleted it! I am not angry anymore but really stressed. I need a friend more than a boyfriend right now so let's be platonic friends as I have not been happy with you lately. I will arrive soon and we can see from there. Chat on Christmas day if you haven't lost my number by then "

 

So what does mean? I think it means, you "f**cked up" and have a lot of grovelling to do before I let you near me but I am happy to try again as friends.

 

Or is it just a "get lost, we are only friends"....?

 

It definitely doesn't mean you need to grovel. Women do not respect guys that grovel. And from that response, she does not want to have a romantic relationship with you.

[LondonRed]

It definitely doesn't mean you need to grovel. Women do not respect guys that grovel. And from that response, she does not want to have a romantic relationship with you.

 

I am fine with that, she has gone from wanting to get married to no romance and plutonic friends... and coming to a country to live on her own with no friends of family - she is coming for me which is why she originally applied for a job here. If it's not meant to be it won't be but at least she is saying to she wants to spend time with me and take it from there. Better than nothing..l. certainly I won't be played though and won't make any assumptions. Thanks guys.

[veggirl]

I am fine with that, she has gone from wanting to get married to no romance and plutonic friends... and coming to a country to live on her own with no friends of family - she is coming for me which is why she originally applied for a job here. If it's not meant to be it won't be but at least she is saying to she wants to spend time with me and take it from there. Better than nothing..l. certainly I won't be played though and won't make any assumptions. Thanks guys.

 

Umm she did NOT say she wants to spend time with you, where did she say that?! She basically said she doesn't care if you call her or not. If she wants to spend time with you, she knows how to contact you.....leave her alone......move on......"whirlwinds" end just as fast as they started, typically. That's what's happening. She is over it. That sucks, I'm sorry, but your best bet is to pick up your pride and not contact her at all.

[LondonRed]

Umm she did NOT say she wants to spend time with you, where did she say that?! She basically said she doesn't care if you call her or not. If she wants to spend time with you, she knows how to contact you.....leave her alone......move on......"whirlwinds" end just as fast as they started, typically. That's what's happening. She is over it. That sucks, I'm sorry, but your best bet is to pick up your pride and not contact her at all.

 

I agree... let's just wait and see.. I won't contact her.. but she wants me to call her at xmas.. we will see.. I won't hold by breath.

[Gottabestrong]

It sounds to me like she is angry at you, but still wants to stay in touch.

 

Did you ask her about talking on Christmas Day? If not, and she brought it up first, then she wants you to call her then and talk.

 

Also, she is upset you deleted her other number.