need some advice on step parenting

[lilmoma1973]

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hey all

 

i really need some imput... my h says i don't like my ss this is not true.. i have been with ss since he was 2 and love him like he was my own!! heres the thing he lives in this house 24/7 and i am a stay at home mom and when i say something to him im always on him or i hate him these are the words spoken from my H.. i have a 4yr old daughter that just started kindergarten and my h has been taking ss to school out the blue H

asks me to takes ss to school daughter has to be there by 7:30am he don't have to be at school till 8 why can't hubby take him .. i am not allowed to make him listen to me but yet i am to be his taxi and take him where he is needed.. i don't get it!! my H then says if you don't take him to school and do things for him then i don't need ya!! i use to do everything for him till i started getting treated like a dog and then i stopped it.. i am told by my H that i am a bitch a nagg and a wicked step mom all the time .. i am not mean to him in any way... i think he needs responsibilty and needs a curfew and if i mention anything that he has done wrong then im being a tatle tail .. when H is at band practice he trys to run all over me stay on the phone longer than suppose to.. he runs all over dad and everybody else but NOT me and that is the reason we butt heads .. i stick to what i say and do .. i don't give in to him.. you need limits with parenting .. i can't be one way with him and strict on daughter that is not fair .. ss has only had one whipping in his life ... i can't count how many my four yr old has had.. nothing in the house me or my daughter does is ever right .. we always cause everything.. and are to blame!! im so sick of this situation .. it is getting old !! I love my family but here lately we haven't been a family oh yeah by the way ss is 14 .. i know that is to be expected with teenagers but i don't think he likes having authority at all.. his bm is a drunk and a drug addict and has always let him do whatever when she got to see him.. which isn't very often because she can't keep a place or job and is always drinking in front of him or doing drugs!! i just feel that i have taken care of him for my husband and i get no respect and now that im doing more for myself im being a bitch and selfish.. i think it is H turn to do the running if i have no say so .. i keep gone pretty much so he will have to do it let him see what ive done for along time.. so sick of not being appreciated anymore.. ive done alot for him over the yrs too long to tell ..i taught him to potty,read write helped him with homework because mom was too dumb to.. took him to football practice and baseball .. ive done alot of things for him so im at my wits end so i just step back and let him to it now !! H has always done what he has wanted and ive always been the one to stay with the kids.. so now its his turn to be with his son and do for him !! am i being ugly what do you think? give me some advice.. maybe im being wrong but i feel im damned if i do and damned if i don't.. i think he treats him like a baby and i feel he needs some responsibilty cleaning room washing his clothes and mowing taking out trash .. am i being to hard let me know?

[The_Analyzer]

I think if he is 14, then yes he needs some responsibility. I also think you are right in sticking to what you say and do. Consistency is the key to everything. If one parent says this and the other says something else, then the child gets mixed signals and isn't sure what to do. Have you and your H been to counseling? You may have mentioned that and I missed it. Maybe you all need to sit down and talk about rules and regulations and make sure that the both of you stick to what you say. Good luck.

[lilmoma1973]

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hey analyzer,

 

Thanks for the reply .. i appreciate you being upfront and honest with me and not put me down.. i figured as soon as i posted it i would get replys that i was being a mean step mom!! you are so right and we have been to counseling and the counselor had told us not to the let the kids come in between us and stick together as kids tend to play one against the other!! my husband says that i hate my ss so i have back away from saying anything to him .. i let him do it all from now on so nothing can be said im being too hard on him or being mean.. my H has never been one to stick by me and i don't know why i didn't see it before so now it is now up to me to decide what it is best in the relationship.. and what is best for my daughter and me .. and right now i see this relationship as being unhealthy!! again thanks for your reply .. hope all my others are as nice as yours

[quankanne]

am i being ugly what do you think?

 

you're being realistic!

 

I don't have kids, but I do have a zillion nieces and nephews. Something my oldest niece (we're only 13 years apart in age) told me has stuck in my head all these years.

 

when she was about 13, she was really upset with her mother (my sister) for being so lax with her and her brother. "No matter how much they fight their parents, a child wants those rules and guidelines in place because it makes them feel secure," my niece told me. "It makes us feel like our parents love us because they're taking the time to put those rules in place and when they enforce them. We complain, but you know what? We want those rules because that tells us that our parents love us." and she went on about how it upset her that my sister -- who was a single mom by that point -- was more concerned about being a "cool" parent that was buddies with her children than she was about taking care of them!

 

shocked the hell out of me when she shared this, but I think there's a huge ring of truth in her words: even though that adolescent/teenage child with fight you to the death on just about everything, they're testing their boundaries, and they need to know that those boundaries are inflexible. They need to know that there are consequences for the actions they take -- they need that stability at a time when they're a mess of hormones and are trying to figure out who they are.

 

so tell your husband to gripe all he wants: you love your stepson like no other, and because you do, you will remain firm so that he will have that something constant in his life.

 

also tell him (and the boy) that there ain't no way in hell that you're gonna cut him loose in five years without knowing how to fend for himself. Even if it kills them, your children will know how to cook simple meals for them, clean up after themselves and know how to do their own laundry.

 

i think he treats him like a baby

 

actually, you might have a good tool of bribery with the boy if you convince him that chicks really dig guys who know their way around the kitchen or who knows how to do his own laundry (as in "son, just think of all the chicks you meet in the grocery store or the laundromat when you get out on your own!)

 

good luck and stay strong. Poo on your husband, I think you've called this one right, Mama!

[Butterfly_Queen]

I agree with the what the others said. Kids need stability and love. They need rules and curfews and to learn responsibilty. I don't understand why your husband doesn't see that. Looks like he would appreciate what it is you are doing. I understand that you're tired of it all that you don't feel appreciated, however, don't give up on your stepson. He needs you and you seem to be the one he can count on. he may not act like it, but he does down inside. He knows who cares for him and who doesn't. Right now he is probably being a typical teenager and trying to see what he can and can't get away with.

 

As far as your husband, maybe he was raised without responsibilty and stabilty so he sees it fit for his son to do whatever as well. Maybe you all can work through this and he will see that you have your stepsons best interest at heart. Hope all works out.

[Kasey70]

You stated that you have been with your stepson since he was 2 and he is now 14. Has your husband always said these kinds of things even when your stepson was little, or has this been recent? As far as you being a nag about what you say etc.? The reason I'm asking is, if he has always been like this and the child is now 14, chances are your husband wont change. You need to ask youself if its all worth it. I'm not saying leave, but he sounds like he just doesn't care that you're trying to do whats best for his son. Not sure if I would want to continue not being appreciated. Best of luck.

[supermom]

I think you need to have a family meeting!

 

All 4 of you...let your h and ss know that you love your ss like he is your blood like you said before, and some of what the other posters said, say in your "family meeting"

 

Maybe getting it all out in the open will help

 

I like these advises:

 

"It makes us feel like our parents love us because they're taking the time to put those rules in place and when they enforce them. We complain, but you know what? We want those rules because that tells us that our parents love us."

 

tell your husband to gripe all he wants: you love your stepson like no other, and because you do, you will remain firm so that he will have that something constant in his life.

 

also tell him (and the boy) that there ain't no way in hell that you're gonna cut him loose in five years without knowing how to fend for himself. Even if it kills them, your children will know how to cook simple meals for them, clean up after themselves and know how to do their own laundry.

 

 

 

 

Maybe you all need to sit down and talk about rules and regulations and make sure that the both of you stick to what you say. Good luck

 

One simple question though:

 

 

i have a 4yr old daughter that just started kindergarten and my h has been taking ss to school out the blue H

asks me to takes ss to school daughter has to be there by 7:30am he don't have to be at school till 8 why can't hubby take him

 

couldn't you just drop him off after you drop off your daughter? Or is it out of the way or you wouldn't get him to school on time? This may be a great opportunity to have a chat with your stepson about things too...

 

Good luck, you sound rightfully frustrated

[lilmoma1973]

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thanks to all for the replys i really appreciate it ... atleast i know im not being a wicked step mom ,bitch or nagg like H says.. i think he likes seeing my selfesteem down .. otherwise he wouldn't say or do the things he does !! your right H didn't hav any stability in his life so that is why he feels this way .. also he was told his stepmom hated him too.. he said that alot of what i do is what his step mom did to him and she hated him atleast thats what he said but she can't defend her self anymore she has gone to be with the lord alittle over a 2 yrs ago.. his mom has always told him she didn't like him and down her every chance she gets and still does till this day.. thanks to all again !! you have helped me so much!! can't talk to him and i need to talk to someone H GETS TOO ANGRY.. CANT REALLY COMMUNICATE WITHOUT HE SAYING IM BITCHING OR TRYING TO BE HIS MOM

[coley]

i am a mom of three. i have worked and been a stay at home

mom. my advice is to get some kinda job. even if its is partime.

he may not talk to you like that if you satrt to show some inde-

pendence. he may start to appreciate you when your not there

to be the nanny.

 

do you feel he is only with you because he doesnt want to raise kids alone? will he need you once the kids are grown or will your job be done.

 

get a job go to work and get paid for what you do. you will be

surprised how good this makes you feel.

[The_Analyzer]

If the both of you have tried counseling before, maybe you could try individual counseling to see what a professionals opinon is as well. Maybe family counseling where the 3 of you go. So everyone can get out the feelings they have and a counselor can give advice to you all as to what to do. The thing about counseling is, you have to stick to what they tell you to do or try for it to work. If one of more parties are not willing to do that, then chances are it wont work.

[lilmoma1973]

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thanks again analyser

 

i appreciate what you are saying ...and you are so right about things !! thanks for all the replys