becks77 Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 I was with my ex for a year and a half - we broke up 2 months ago - mainly my fault because I never put him first, wouldn't intro him to my family, never replied to messages straight away when I was away from him,let him down and basically pushed him away because I thought I could do better - I think I felt that he was too available and I knew that he was so into me so I didn't have to try. I wanted to keep my independence (after being in an 11 year R before him) and not rely on a guy so I guess he felt second best. I can't blame him for leaving me. I was selfish for sure. My reaction to the break up was a surprise - even to me - I had spent the whole relationship not wanting him that much and often thinking it wasn;t right but loving having him there - but now that he didn't want me anymore I broke down. Suddenly I was miserable - convinced that I had ruined a good thing - taken him for granted - thinking that now I will never find anyone else. My friends think I'm crazy - they keep telling me that I never wanted him that much in the first place - but I keep thinking that maybe I took him for granted because he was always there. I don't know. I guess your true feelings should come out when you're in the relationship and not after...? I'm nearly 34 and I feel like I'm running out of time to find someone - I know that I'm probably just reacting to rejection - I'm not sure if I can trust my feelings right now. I shouldn't want him just because I'm lonely right? It's been 2 weeks NC - he told me he wanted me in his life still and that he cared for me deeply - he told me that I would always be his little bear (pet nickname - cheesy I know!) which made me feel a bit of hope that we might get back together - he even said that even though he didn't think a relationship would work right now because of how I'd been, he could not say for sure that he would never want one with me again, just not now - I know that is probably just false hope but... I do miss him - I am finding it very hard not contacting him but I know it's the only way to move on. I hate feeling like this - I compare other guys I know to him - I keep thinking of all the good times and have all of a sudden forgotten all of the things that weren;t right - I wonder who he's with, whether he's holding them the way he held me - blah blah blah - I'm sick of thinking about it - I wish I could turn my brain off sometimes. Anyway - any words of advice or thoughts on all of this would be great - did I ruin a great thing? Throw away a great guy? or was it just not right and I'm just missing the idea of him? I wish I could decide!! I just want to make peace with it all and move on - help!
Balzac Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 Welcome to LS. Many experienced, helpful folks here. Be sure to do some reading. Sorry for your dilemma. "I'm nearly 34 and I feel like I'm running out of time to find someone - " How much does your belief contribute to you staying in an unfulfilling relationship? 1
movingon12 Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 It's simple: if you had really loved him, you wouldn't have treated him the way you did. I think you're scared to be alone again, and you're worried the clock is ticking, and you're trying to find an excuse to go back to him (better the devil you know...) No matter how great he is as a person, the relationship clearly wasn't working. You did the right thing. 2
Author becks77 Posted December 9, 2012 Author Posted December 9, 2012 Thanks for replying I have been reading a few posts and they're all helpful - I think i am definitely suffering from the 'clock is ticking' syndrome and this has a lot to do with why I am missing my ex - do you think that someone can create doubts about someone just because they think the grass might be greener? Or do you think your true feelings always come out in a R no matter what? Great advice Balzac and Movingon - has def helped
Balzac Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 Hah! Great question! There's an entire religious/political/social movement here re: GIGS. Grass Is Greener Syndrome. I'm sure those w vast knowledge can address your concerns. "do you think that someone can create doubts about someone just because they think the grass might be greener?"
movingon12 Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 Thanks for replying I have been reading a few posts and they're all helpful - I think i am definitely suffering from the 'clock is ticking' syndrome and this has a lot to do with why I am missing my ex - do you think that someone can create doubts about someone just because they think the grass might be greener? Or do you think your true feelings always come out in a R no matter what? Great advice Balzac and Movingon - has def helped It sounds like you were thinking 'I can do better' throughout your entire relationship - that's not GIGS, that's a fundamental problem with the relationship. GIGS tends to start creeping in once the novelty wears off. 1
Author becks77 Posted December 9, 2012 Author Posted December 9, 2012 I just wish I didn't miss him (or the idea of him) so much... Movingon12 - I don't know your story but how did you move on after a relationship ended? I just want to stop replaying things in my mind and wanting him...
movingon12 Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 I just wish I didn't miss him (or the idea of him) so much... Movingon12 - I don't know your story but how did you move on after a relationship ended? I just want to stop replaying things in my mind and wanting him... ...and here's one I prepared earlier...
Author becks77 Posted December 9, 2012 Author Posted December 9, 2012 Wow - that is a great post - and it's so good to hear that you met someone more lovely - it is true that even if you miss someone intensely it does not mean it is meant to be. It is hard to move on when you keep thinking of all the good things - even though there were more bad things - and wanting the person that you know/knew so well - anyway, fingers crossed I can stop the constant over-analysing and move on!
movingon12 Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 You will! But it takes time so don't beat yourself up for feeling bad right now. It helps to write down somewhere all the big and little things that didn't work in the relationship, so you can get it out and read it when you're having the inevitable moments of weakness.
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 ...and here's one I prepared earlier... Put this link in your signature. It needs to be viewed more often!
LostOne1 Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 I was with my ex for a year and a half - we broke up 2 months ago - mainly my fault because I never put him first, wouldn't intro him to my family, never replied to messages straight away when I was away from him,let him down and basically pushed him away because I thought I could do better - I think I felt that he was too available and I knew that he was so into me so I didn't have to try. I wanted to keep my independence (after being in an 11 year R before him) and not rely on a guy so I guess he felt second best. I can't blame him for leaving me. I was selfish for sure. My reaction to the break up was a surprise - even to me - I had spent the whole relationship not wanting him that much and often thinking it wasn;t right but loving having him there - but now that he didn't want me anymore I broke down. Suddenly I was miserable - convinced that I had ruined a good thing - taken him for granted - thinking that now I will never find anyone else. My friends think I'm crazy - they keep telling me that I never wanted him that much in the first place - but I keep thinking that maybe I took him for granted because he was always there. I don't know. I guess your true feelings should come out when you're in the relationship and not after...? I'm nearly 34 and I feel like I'm running out of time to find someone - I know that I'm probably just reacting to rejection - I'm not sure if I can trust my feelings right now. I shouldn't want him just because I'm lonely right? It's been 2 weeks NC - he told me he wanted me in his life still and that he cared for me deeply - he told me that I would always be his little bear (pet nickname - cheesy I know!) which made me feel a bit of hope that we might get back together - he even said that even though he didn't think a relationship would work right now because of how I'd been, he could not say for sure that he would never want one with me again, just not now - I know that is probably just false hope but... I do miss him - I am finding it very hard not contacting him but I know it's the only way to move on. I hate feeling like this - I compare other guys I know to him - I keep thinking of all the good times and have all of a sudden forgotten all of the things that weren;t right - I wonder who he's with, whether he's holding them the way he held me - blah blah blah - I'm sick of thinking about it - I wish I could turn my brain off sometimes. Anyway - any words of advice or thoughts on all of this would be great - did I ruin a great thing? Throw away a great guy? or was it just not right and I'm just missing the idea of him? I wish I could decide!! I just want to make peace with it all and move on - help! You sound a lot like me. My ex left me about 3+ months ago. Except I'm a guy feeling like I;m in the same position as you right now. I loved my ex a lot.. I never showed it as much after a yr into the relationship. The problem with me was that I'm a full time student. So I couldn't always get her the nicest things or take her out to placed I wanted to take her too. Over time she did LOTS for me, and at times I told her to STOP. Because I felt bad having her go to the end of the world to do things for me. And I couldn't do the same at times. But I feel like I took her for granted and the reason I say that is because, I had my ex tell me at times and she was close with my sister. My sister had told me SEVERAL times to start showing my ex more love. The thing is I wasn't the best at expressing my love. I did it a lot in the 1st yr.. then I guess I got too caught up with my life struggling so much. That I didn't put in the time as much as she did.. Like you said.. I felt my ex was too available. I never got any space and if I wanted some it bugged my ex. I think she was a bit clingy. All I can say is.. you will LEARN from this. Yes, some say you might not have loved him other wise you would've treated him better? Maybe.. but for me I know it was real love, but I just got so spoiled by her that it ruined me. Which is why I always told her to stop, because I felt spoiling me made it worse. And she never did stop.... We both feel like we will never find someone and we both feel like we need to chase after our ex's because partly we see that someone cared about us sooo soo much. And we lost that person and chances are we will NEVER get that person back. So we are scared, we're angry and mad... But the truth is.. we can LEARN now. Now when someone else treats you nice and does so much for you. You'll realize it and next time you won't take it for granted. You'll realize you took someone for granted before and this time you'll appreciate everything they do. I know it hurts and I've been hurting a lot. But it;s been over 3 months and it DOES get better. You start to remember the good times and the old memories and accept it's all over with and done. And you just look at things you did wrong and say I won't do those things wrong again. It's life and sadly life MOVES on... it never stops for anyone, nor does it go back ever. It moves on and either we can move on with it... or rot away waiting and not moving. BTW don't let age get to you. I'm 25 and I'm freaking out about not finding anyone ever. But the truth is we all WILL find someone. But first we need to heal, learn important and valuable lessons from this experience, re-find and re-focus. And then move on! I wish you all the best!
Author becks77 Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 It sounds like you've made peace with what happened - which is what I need to do - I keep beating myself up thinking; what could I have done differently? Why didn't I want him as much as he wanted me...why didn't I think about him when I was away on holiday etc etc - I don't think he was the right guy for me but I don't know for sure and that's what killing me and making me think things to death! I'm usually a very positive person so this whole thing has thrown me for a loop. I do miss him very much - and I was so tempted to text him today but I didn;t - took alot of willpower though. I think NC is the best way but sometimes I just want to send him a message even if he doesn't reply because it's hard to lose the friendship, if not the imtimacy of a relationship - even if he wasn't 'the one' (even though I don't really believe in that!) Anyway, thanks for your kind words - it's been just over 2 weeks NC and I'm not looking forward to xmas but I'll be ok soon I hope!
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