unfortunatly Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 We've been together for 10 years. We got married few months ago. After 4 months of marriage I found out that he had a girlfriend (he started seeing her few weeks before i caught him). I told him its either u leave her of leave home, he left. He says that it has nothing to do with her, that he wasn't happy..... Now 4 months later I suspect that he is living with her even though he says he's not, I have no way to know anything about their relationship but she seems to be a very clever calculating manipulating woman. Last week we started couple therapy, he says he's not sure what the outcome of it will be. I can't understand if he wants back or not. I didn't push him into the therapy, he's going willingly but does not say if he wants to work on our relationship or not. I see him few times weekly, when we're together he's nice and we have a very good time, when we talk on the phone he's caring but it seems that when he leaves something changes his mind again. I can't understand if he wants back or not, he didn't file for divorce, he said at the session that he loves me but isn't sure about our relationship, that i have changed and that i am no longer the girl who cares about him, that he feels that i don't support him anymore and that we have serious issues that he doubt can be solved ..... How do I know if he wants back? How do i get him to listen to me? to see that i'm willing to fix things? How do i get over over the fact that he's with someone else? Is it my fault? How do i get him to leave her, how do i beat her in her manipulative game? Looks like she gives him compliments all the time... she knows his weakness... A month trial where he leaves her and come back home is good for me, i know i can fix it if he comes home, but how can i make him agree to do it? Please no stupid comments, and i know all about leave him and get a divorce and all that, I'm asking for an opinion in helping me achieve what i believe is best for me, if you've never been in this situation, don't judge... I'd appreciate every honest helpful comment. Thx
Gunny376 Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 Why would you want to be with such a "weak minded" individual to begin with? Why not cut your losses and find yourself someone who's self validating, self confident, self assured ~ who doesn't need some Bimbo ~ Scarlett O'Hara whispering sweet nothings in his ear? Get him back? He'd have to be "working his way" long and hard ~ and all day to get back to me if I were you. Were it me? I'd be getting busy moving it on down the line. If he wanted to get with, be with me? He'd have to "walk the line" And don't give me a bunch of "Yea Buts......................... Even at 55 I still make a good "poster boy" picture of a Marine, (I still can wear my 'form fitting' Marine Corps Dress Blues from 30 years ago) Yet when people see me and Mrs. Gunny they go,.................... :confused: I'm with her because she's EVERYTHING I've been looking for in a woman for all of my life? She's funny, good sense of humor, balanced, loving, caring, nurturing, giving to a fault, only friend she doesn't have is the one she hasn't meet yet, a great cook, homemaker, thrifty, frugal, outgoing, gregarious, smart, informed, educated, etc, etc, etc....................... 3
TigerCub Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 OP, I'm sorry for your pain and confusion. The only thing I can advise is that you open your eyes- You keep making this woman out to be the manipulative villain in all this - the clever vixen that's playing this game just a little better than you and stealing your man - do even know if she knows he's married or not? This isn't about the other woman - your husband is willingly going and bringing someone into this marriage, he's willingly going to this other woman, and he'll willingly hurting you and risking the marriage and throwing away those 10 years. I'm not saying the woman is without fault (if she knows your H is married - then of course she is at fault) - my point is, the sooner you see how he's not some helpless idiot that's getting manipulated by some vixen, the sooner you will be able to really evaluate the kind of man you're willing to go through all that pain for. Then maybe you can make a more clear decision on if he's worth all this or not.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 A month trial where he leaves her and come back home is good for me, i know i can fix it if he comes home, but how can i make him agree to do it? You've almost turned this into a contest. And to win the "prize", you're going to out "love", out "sex" and definitely out compliment this other woman ... Probably not going to make a difference. As hard as it is to hear, your H has made a choice - and at least now, it's not you. There are some that have had luck at getting a spouse to come back by letting them go on the theory that they'll wake up and understand what they have to lose. That seems to be the only play you have left. Let us know and keep posting... Mr. Lucky 1
BetheButterfly Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Yet when people see me and Mrs. Gunny they go,.................... :confused: I'm with her because she's EVERYTHING I've been looking for in a woman for all of my life? She's funny, good sense of humor, balanced, loving, caring, nurturing, giving to a fault, only friend she doesn't have is the one she hasn't meet yet, a great cook, homemaker, thrifty, frugal, outgoing, gregarious, smart, informed, educated, etc, etc, etc....................... This is beautiful!!! :love: It's awesome to read what a man who truly loves his wife writes about her!!!
Mr. Lucky Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 We've been together for 10 years. We got married few months ago. unfortunatly (OP), what set of circumstances caused you to have 9 years of courtship and engagement ??? Mr. Lucky
Author unfortunatly Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 we went on a couple therapy session, wasn't very good, we didn't talk about the important things. He asked us to talk after it and we did. we came to the conclusion that we are going to try, he wanted us to go to see him separately, I did and my husband is going tomorrow. he came home yesterday, we spent some hours together, it was very good, i felt that something is going on, he was nice, lovable, gentle.... I don't know it's confusing..... Waiting to see what will happen after his session tomorrow.... but i', upset today, she posted a very intimate picture of the but what's really bugging me is that the picture is old, its from the summer, why would she put it now?
Author unfortunatly Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 Updates we went on a couple therapy session, wasn't very good, we didn't talk about the important things. He asked us to talk after it and we did. we came to the conclusion that we are going to try, he wanted us to go to see him separately, I did and my husband is going tomorrow. he came home yesterday, we spent some hours together, it was very good, i felt that something is going on, he was nice, lovable, gentle.... I don't know it's confusing..... Waiting to see what will happen after his session tomorrow.... but i', upset today, she posted a very intimate picture of the but what's really bugging me is that the picture is old, its from the summer, why would she put it now?
Vercetti Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I have a friend who's wife moved in with another man. Told him just to cut her off and do what he wants with his life. Only being a nice Christian guy he was overtly honest with his wife whenever they encountered each other, he would tell her how much he still loved her as her body language would sulk away from him. After a few years of him being loyal, expressing his feelings, and establishing himself...he now has a final divorce and is moved in with a girl that respects him. You did nothing wrong, the fact you were with someone a decade and they cheat months after being married simply seems insane to me. 1
Cali408 Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Cut him off for now. Do your own therapy not with him. Do you really want to be married to him? Have no contact, and move on with your life. You're making the mistake of seeing him a few times a week. Work on yourself. Join the gym, workout and get in fantastic shape. If you feel good about yourself, you're moving in the right direction. Read books, make yourself the best you can be. If he sees you thriving, he'll want to come back. Right now, you're giving him his cake. He either is in or out. If he's out, no contact, or as limited as possible. Take the attitude, (if you don't need me, I don't need you), if you see him be all business, don't beg, don't hug him, don't touch him. DO NOT BEG. He'll come around. Also start getting your affairs in order. Contact an attorney for a consultation to see what you're getting into. You are not a challenge for him right now and he's treating you like a doormat.
Author unfortunatly Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 i don't know how relevant this is but he's actually an actor and funny, weird, scary though the part he's playing in an ongoing play is exactly the same! Just note that i don't live in the US and in my country, hee's a very known actor.....
Author unfortunatly Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 unfortunatly (OP), what set of circumstances caused you to have 9 years of courtship and engagement ??? Mr. Lucky we didn't have any money and we still don't....
2sunny Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 So he was cheating during the summertime... He's been a liar and will continue to lie. Cut him out of your life by divorcing him. Consequences show a person that you're not going to put up with his crappy behavior. Ask the counselor to work with you on self respect and a healthy boundary.
TigerCub Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 we didn't have any money and we still don't.... He's a very well known actor and he doesn't have any money?
BetheButterfly Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 I have a friend who's wife moved in with another man. Told him just to cut her off and do what he wants with his life. Only being a nice Christian guy he was overtly honest with his wife whenever they encountered each other, he would tell her how much he still loved her as her body language would sulk away from him. After a few years of him being loyal, expressing his feelings, and establishing himself...he now has a final divorce and is moved in with a girl that respects him. You did nothing wrong, the fact you were with someone a decade and they cheat months after being married simply seems insane to me. It is really difficult when that happens, but I agree that the best thing to do is to let the person who cheats and has no interest in healing the marriage go. It's for the best, in the long run. OP, please let him go. You deserve a man who respects you, is 100% committed WITH you, and is a man of his word.
BetheButterfly Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 i don't know how relevant this is but he's actually an actor and funny, weird, scary though the part he's playing in an ongoing play is exactly the same! Just note that i don't live in the US and in my country, hee's a very known actor..... I think sometimes actors have many temptations to cheat and if they are not strong in their convictions, they can fall into temptation same as everyone else can if they allow themselves to fall...
Author unfortunatly Posted December 20, 2012 Author Posted December 20, 2012 Saturday morning will be our last couple session... the counselor said will won't leave before a final decision is taken... fingers crossed
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