Very very messy and complicated.

[Ashley79]

Hi all

 

So i have this messy situation. I will try keep it brief but will be hard. So met this girl 4 years ago after 2 years we split up we had just had a child he is now nearly 3. We have been great getting on. I have dated she has dated. After 18 months apart i knew i wanted her back but she had started dating an ex that i knew of. That destroyed me and took me 3 months to win her back which i did throufh begging and generally making her see me and her son were what is important in life

 

We both tried but not as hard as we could have and split after 3 months mutually. She has text from me saying i love u deeply but just dont no why we get to this stage again. I know it was because we were not living together and was easy for me to go home. I have loved her for the 4 years i known her she is my best mate and mother to my son and i just love her and cant explain it to anyone.

 

Anyway i took her and my son on holiday and although not together we did enjoy it. But when away she said when we get back we wont be talking as much. Thought that a weird statement but never questioned it

 

We get back and 2 weeks later she comes round ro get my son and tells me she is back with her ex. Im like wtf we just fot back from spain 2 weeks ago. I laugh it off but was raging inside. I left it a day or 2 and told her i was not happy and felt we were still together and didnt see that coming and not to him again why how i dont get it.

 

So for 2 months its been getting nasty and nasty on my part i know. So i had a key went round and went down her old phone and see pics of her and him and all the text messages. My heart died. It was heavy and i was sick. I bit and kicked off with her. She was angry and i no why but i had no choice

 

I took his number and sent him messages and really went to town. I feel betrayed and sick. He disnt bite back but know he got the messages as she contacted me telling me ro stop the abuse. Ahe is with him and does not feel for me. But i no she loves me as when i say u want me ro go or u dont love me she cant answer and says it has to be on her terms and not cos im telling her. Well today i woke again in a panic and sent abusive messages to him he told her and she kickec off with me rhen said i cant see my son. I love her and want the family we had back but she has chose him. I delete her numbwr then she will text to see if im ok. I mean kick me in the face then say are u ok come on really.

 

So now its really messy. I have my son and an ex i love dearly and an alcoholic ex i dont want near my son. I no the abuse i sent everyone will hate me and it wont help me get her back. To top it off her ex is the brother of her best mate so everyone will be against me. I no i have lost her forever but i have not a clue why i do it.

 

I love her rhen kick off. I feel like im goimgemtal im not eating and cant sleep. I tried NC but she text or i see her 3 times a week when i get my son. Xmas is coming and i had planned to propose. She knows this as i told her. She was just not impressed. But no matter what i have done she still lets me in talks to me and wont tell me to do one as such. I just want her back as im love eith her and no we both messed up. I said i will go councelling anyhjng to save the relationship and family. Please help me

[KJBA2816]

I do not condone the abusive messages however, I can see why you're do hurt, my boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago and decided he is ready for a new relationship and it hurts me so f*****g much! He has destroyed my life is so many ways and I am hurting a lot however I have learnt that contacting him will not make it any easier for me. No matter how much it hurts you need to just be polite to her for the sake of your son and understand her wishes. If you feel your child is in an unstable situation then contact child services but do not send any more messages as this will go against you. It's tough, I know and I am sorry but respect her wishes, be polite and sensible and move on. A lot of parents aren't together because they have kids, you will be fine, it takes time to heal x

[Ashley79]

Ho thanks for the reply

 

I dont like the fact i sent messages. I woke in a rage. I see a pic of this man holding her hand and it fot me. She plants a seed in my head and it festers. I cant have closure on this for a nimber of reasons. One i still feel we are together 2 we have a son and i see her 3 times a week 3 she says its over then contacts me 4 when i do send abuse as angry as she is she says thats not gonna win her back. When i ask if she loves me she dont answer does she love him still no answer. Its all mind games. She told me i was the one and she wanted to get married to me. Yet i offer her this chance and she is dismissive saying it has ro be for the right reason and on her terms. I get that but i want reassurance. All she has ro do or say is I wont see anyone till my head is straight. She wants her cake and to eat it. I try not to contact her then have ro either about my son or xmas plans

 

She will kick me till im so low then message ro see if im ok. Well if i punched u im the face rhen said sorry u ok. What would u say?

 

She is so stubborn and i think its because she will lose her friends if she choses me as he is the brother of her best mate.

 

As for my aon she said she wanted to introduce him to him. I said how will u do that. By saying this is mummies new friend. Come on get a grip he is 3 he dont understand that but does understand one day mummy and daddy are soing stuff next day its mummy and a different man

 

Just wish she would look at rhe bigger picture and aurely a family unit is better than chosing to be a single mum or a family of 2 or 3 dads. Im angry cos im the only one telling her feom my angle as all her feiends will be saying na sitch him u got ur son all u need. Im very low and angry ;-(

[Cutiepie1976]

I understand that you are hurting, but you have to take a step back and look at the bigger picture here.

 

First, you have a child together. Most mothers love their children dearly and will do anything to ensure what's best for them. Cutting you out of your son's life is not in his best interest, so she puts up with your outbursts, lack of self-control, and abuse to give him an opportunity to have a relationship with his dad.

 

Second, you couldn't even get through three months when you tried dating! Does it really seem realistic to consider marriage (a lifetime commitment hopefully) especially when your behavior is completely out of control, self-centered, and highly immature. Why would any of this be attractive to a sensible person?

 

The only thing your out-of-control jealousy, angry, abusive tirades, instability, and complete inability to respect her boundaries are doing is driving her away and making her boyfriend seem like a saint by comparison, especially since he's able to put her interests and feelings above his own and ignore you rather than getting into fights with you.

 

I think you would benefit greatly from counseling and anger management classes. You need to accept that things didn't work out between you two. She has decided to share her life with someone else a lot more mature, who treats her with more respect and consideration than you are currently capable of doing.

 

Sorry I'm not being more supportive, but we don't tell two-year olds having temper tantrums that it's understandable even though they are clearly upset during their meltdown. Ditto for your tantrums and meltdowns. We've all gone through difficult breakups, but many would never act this way.

[Ashley79]

Na you are right. I dont no why i do the the things i have done. I have sent messages and clearly not proud of it and the only loser in this is me. I never been like this before but then i never have had to consider losing her to someone she goes back to all the time and could not give her what i did in a son. I find it hard to let go as i see her when i pick him up.

 

Im not this loser bloke who is immature. Im very aware of my actions and although not proud i feel i have justifications. I mean imagine if u had fot back with ur love and 2 days after you had taken her and your child on holiday she was back with her ex. 2 days what does that say for me. Lack of respect and decency on her part. I would not have done that to her. My actions to date are erratic and im not proud. But i have done what i have and only through frustration have i failed to gain what i set out to do. A family unit of mother father and son. I will take tr blame but there were 2 of us in this and she bought a 3rd in when it need not have been that way.

 

But that is that. Tonight it got worse. I went there to see my son as we agreed. My son wont look at me and he is confused. One day im thete next its another man. Poor kids brain is unsure. We have discussions in front of him which is not good. I raise my concerns for the future not just now but she only looks a day at a time i think of when he is 5-9-12 etc.

 

Anyway it kicked off again as i asked for a structure with my son we both sign and agree. She kicked off and said she was not signing anything and that she will get a solicitor to sort it. I said i dont see my son enough she says i see him too much. I asked for monday,wed, friday nights. Not acceptable but her mum and this guy can see him more how does that work?

 

She asked me to leave i wouldnt as i had only been there a short time and wanted to spend time with my son. She got hysterical i asked her to calm down she didnt then said she would call the police. I left and i asked her why she was doing all this for one man whats so good about this man that u chose him over ur family. All i did was try to get us back together if my crime is that then i am guilty. When he is old enough he will know i tried to keep it together for me her and him. She chose someone else. I have done wrong but i didnt want to lose her as she is my heart beat my soul and my every breath. I no i done this and will be the one who will suffer. For my sins i am guilty. But love and family was what this was about. Not lust or attention. Totally gutted and worse than before

[Cutiepie1976]

That you feel your behavior is justified suggests to me that counseling and anger management would be of great benefit.

Edited December 9, 2012 by Cutiepie1976

[Ashley79]

I think a lot of people react to certain things. As i said i no i did wrong but at the time i was nit thinking rationally. I was not saying i justify my actions. Was say that what has happen justified a reaction of some form. Not many people could sit there and watch a family they built be taken away by someone who has done nothing. And for that person to just smile and say ok no problem. I am passionate and where my heart on my sleeve. Letting this happen seems an impossibility to me. So i reacted yes i did but would not have done if i didnt feel passionate about my son and her. I am more than happy to do councelling and have suggested it right at the start of this mess 2 months ago before these latest outbursts. Im not unreasonable or point blame all the time. I am responsible for my actions and am always happy to he accounted for them.

 

To go from in a relationship with her and my son 8 weeks ago to enemies and hatred seems too hard to take. I was trying to pull the family back as a unit. If thats my crime i am guilty. Society should be encouraging this and helping it happen. Im sure im not alone on this but feel i am.