smog Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 I've had this irrational fear since the split which has only increased as time has moved on. My initial fear after my wife left me was that by cutting all contact I was making a concious effort to protect myself from further hurt, finding something out I didn't want to find out and lastly deciding I wasn't going to fight ffor someone who didn't want to be with me. Problem was that in the back of my mind I was always thinking, what if I have regrets? What if it gets so far down the line that I can't possibly make amends if I wanted to. Well two and a half months on and I'm feeling just that. I can't decide whether its becasuse I'm lonely or whether the relationship wasn't actually as bad as I thought and maybe I should I have fought for it/her? I feel sick to my stomach believing I've made a huge mistake and that its too late to change things and that she probably no longer has feelings for me. God is this normal?
SuperGeek Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 (edited) Has your wife been with another man? Can you trust her again 100% if she came back? Do you really think someone who just walks out on you really gives a rats a$$ about how you feel? If they wanted to be with you, THEY WOULD BE WITH YOU. Just my view. Don't beg them back, you'll get nothing but pain in return. Also I don't know your situation and I'm assuming you've been a good guy to her. So add grains of salt to my comments here I swear to you, any woman that walks out the door on me again (i.e. leaves or breaks up with me), it's over. They can find another idiot to date. I'm done with the games and the BS. They either are with me through the highs and lows of life, or they aren't. It's just that simple. SuperGeek Edited December 9, 2012 by SuperGeek 2
candyland123 Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 I am at the same transitional stage as you, 3 months. I am having some of the same feelings. Its like the fog of anger has evaporated and I can see a little clearer now. There were a lot of things wrong in the marriage but there were a lot of things right also. I think we both need to wait six months and see how it feels then. Maybe this is just normal regret over losing someone. Were mourning for the lost relationship. I have lived through the shock, the realization "I am divorced, I have an X", the guilt over initiating, the pain when he introduced his GF to my children, were in the depression & reflection stage. Allow yourself to grieve but don't go rushing back to her. Following the loss they always say to wait a year before you make a big decision. A divorce is a loss, we are grieving all the lost dreams we had with our partner. Lets give it some time and make sure it is what we truly want. 1
SuperGeek Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 yeah the hardest part for me (still is some days) is 1) regret (not feeling I did enough right 2) guilt ( feeling like a failure at relationships). I still have bouts of each type of emotion once in awhile (usually when I'm really really tired). So i try to stay rested up and get 8 hours a night. I also try to eat good and workout 30 mins a day. Those things combined have helped me me out of the bottomless pit of depression I was in for over 2 years. Feel better. And btw, I know i say harsh stuff on this chat forum, but it's the harsh comments that I got here that kept me going, kept me NC, and eventually got me strong enough to be indifferent about my EX. Now I'm so glad she's gone (in most ways) because we just wern't right for each other. Stay strong and be good to yourself SuperGeek
Cedarman Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 God is this normal? I think it's completely normal. It think it will take a lot of time for these feelings to pass and to show up less frequently. I am going through the same thing myself. Just this weekend I found myself missing my wife and missing our life together. But I ask myself if I could really live with this woman again - especially when nothing has really changed other than we are living apart. So it's tough, but you have to keep telling yourself that it is for the better - and that what you're really missing are the memories which were already distant memories when you split. In my case: My wife moved out just 8 weeks ago, yet I have to remember back at least 6 years (maybe longer) to get to memories where things were totally natural, with total trust and no effort. We were married for almost 25 years, so that makes almost one quarter of our marriage where I did not (in hindsight) fully trust her and where I was putting more into the relationship than my wife. I only realize this now with the benefit of hindsight. It's hard to let go when you have a history together - but you really have to remember that it IS history. Of course, if your wife is willing and showing signs that she wants to TRULY work on getting back together, that is a different story. But you can't control that - so the best thing to do is just move forward and do what is best for you. Good luck. 1
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