Triggers

[seren]

I wanted to post this on the thread discussing infidelity and abuse, but it is closed. Mods I hope this is OK.

 

I shared my thoughts and feelings as I thought it might help some people to understand why some BS feel this way. My intention was never, ever to trigger people who either do not feel the same way or felt it insulting to their own experience. While some found it helpful ( thank you for the PM's)one or two might have found it conflicted with their experience and view and it occurred to me that it might have triggered memories. If so, then I would like to wholeheartedly apologise if this was the case.

 

I want to add that the infidelity side is and has been my safe place, I try not to hurt people by my responses and that this is fundamental to my self and religious beliefs, the thought that I may have inadvertently done so has cause a lot of introspection and I need to apologise if my sharing has hurt anyone.

 

I can only speak for me, while I understand what and why I believe as I do, I respect anyone's right to differ. I truly shared my crap experience to help and I now feel like I have bared all in what I thought was safe only to be attacked, quite vehemently, if I triggered anyone, please accept my apologies. No one coming here should feel attacked, not even me.

[Spark1111]

Seren, I certainly can understand your POV and applaud your courage for sharing it.

 

I, too, had a childhood that would have brought a tear to Charles Dickens eyes, and I, too found my H's affair, by far the most painful experience to overcome.

 

why? I married the only man on the planet who made me feel safe.

His affair not only had to be dealt with, but all those earlier issues of feeling unsafe resurfaced, thanks to the sad actions of the person I trusted most on this planet.

 

I thought I may go crazy until, with the aid of a good therapist, we were able to sort it all out.

 

to try to quantify pain is ludicrous!

 

pain is pain and loss, loss. It is subjective to the one

[todreaminblue]

I wanted to post this on the thread discussing infidelity and abuse, but it is closed. Mods I hope this is OK.

 

I shared my thoughts and feelings as I thought it might help some people to understand why some BS feel this way. My intention was never, ever to trigger people who either do not feel the same way or felt it insulting to their own experience. While some found it helpful ( thank you for the PM's)one or two might have found it conflicted with their experience and view and it occurred to me that it might have triggered memories. If so, then I would like to wholeheartedly apologise if this was the case.

 

I want to add that the infidelity side is and has been my safe place, I try not to hurt people by my responses and that this is fundamental to my self and religious beliefs, the thought that I may have inadvertently done so has cause a lot of introspection and I need to apologise if my sharing has hurt anyone.

 

I can only speak for me, while I understand what and why I believe as I do, I respect anyone's right to differ. I truly shared my crap experience to help and I now feel like I have bared all in what I thought was safe only to be attacked, quite vehemently, if I triggered anyone, please accept my apologies. No one coming here should feel attacked, not even me.

 

 

When people have triggers seren the person who triggers a response is not the person to blame...it was the situation faced by the person experiencing the trigger......a gun isnt to blame if the trigger is faulty......its like flashbacks....and the flashback can be from an innocent trigger....feeling of ebign unsafe or paranoia stemming from a trigger....or pain caused from a trigger......is part of what the other poster said...therapy is the only cure.....the person who should be apolgizing is the person who has the trigger.....from a post that is unrelated to them but feels all encompassing and gets into their fears and mucks around with those fears.....you have as much right as anyone else to say how you feel and write posts that pertain to you......hugs....deb

[OpenBook]

One of the posters in that thread (forgot who) had a really good point, though. The issues you brought up there were way beyond the scope of the Infidelity forum. Her suggestion to seek professional help for those issues I thought was a valid one. Does this make you feel "attacked"?

[Spark1111]

One of the posters in that thread (forgot who) had a really good point, though. The issues you brought up there were way beyond the scope of the Infidelity forum. Her suggestion to seek professional help for those issues I thought was a valid one. Does this make you feel "attacked"?

 

Uh, no. The poster was extremely judge mental as in, how can you even feel this you need help.

 

Which, after reading Seren for years, I woul br hard pressed to find a kinder, more stable poster at LS.

 

I find your post somewhat rude and condescending and having taken her OP out of context.

 

Seren certainly does not need me to defend her, but this sounds like a snarky, drive by snipe to me OB.

 

I could be wrong. but the thread is an apology for triggering others.

 

Either accept it, or not, but stay on topic.

[OpenBook]

Uh, no. The poster was extremely judge mental as in, how can you even feel this you need help.

 

Which, after reading Seren for years, I woul br hard pressed to find a kinder, more stable poster at LS.

 

I find your post somewhat rude and condescending and having taken her OP out of context.

 

Seren certainly does not need me to defend her, but this sounds like a snarky, drive by snipe to me OB.

 

I could be wrong. but the thread is an apology for triggering others.

 

Either accept it, or not, but stay on topic.

 

No snarky or sniping here at all, I'm dead serious. It's a legitimate question, and I am very much on topic as I am directly addressing statements made in the OP, to the OP. You need to stand down, Spark.

[OpenBook]

Seren, I would also like to add my own apology if you took my own questions to you as attacks. I had no intention of attacking anyone; I was trying to understand viewpoints that seemed totally foreign to me. And yes I guess it was a bit of a trigger for me, the view that infidelity was so much worse than rape or the death of a child - it seemed to somehow diminish the horrific lifetime effects of those experiences, and the suffering of those who have experienced it.

 

I think maybe that thread just got a little too deep for many of us?

[Decorative]

Seren, I would also like to add my own apology if you took my own questions to you as attacks. I had no intention of attacking anyone; I was trying to understand viewpoints that seemed totally foreign to me. And yes I guess it was a bit of a trigger for me, the view that infidelity was so much worse than rape or the death of a child - it seemed to somehow diminish the horrific lifetime effects of those experiences, and the suffering of those who have experienced it.

 

I think maybe that thread just got a little too deep for many of us?

 

And yet you had people who have experienced those things telling you differently, and again, on this thread, you once again judge their reaction to trauma. People who have actually had these events happen to them. People for whom it is not hypothetical at all.

 

You are the one doing the diminishing, not the people who told the truth of their life.

[Spark1111]

No snarky or sniping here at all, I'm dead serious. It's a legitimate question, and I am very much on topic as I am directly addressing statements made in the OP, to the OP. You need to stand down, Spark.

 

No, you are not. You are addressing a post in a thread that the mods have closed.

 

This thread seems to me to be a heartfelt apology to those who may have themselves been triggered.

[freestyle]

Speaking only of my own experience--

 

One of my biggest triggers is people presuming to tell me:

 

how to feel

what to feel

and how long I should feel it.

I viewing it as telling me how to vote.

I mean, really?!?!?

You do realize that I'm a thinking,feeling, sentient being with my OWN heart, and mind, don't you?

 

 

Are you (general *you*) going to stand there with a stopwatch, tapping your foot impatiently--and tell me,

"I should be over that by now"....

 

According to who?

Who sets the standards?

Who decides how much grieving, or processing a person is entitled to?

Who is the expert on my inner workings, you, or me?

 

And also in my experience--the very same people who would "tsk, tsk" me, judge/denigrate/invalidate/minimize/marginalize/downplay MY emotional experience:

 

Those very same people will pitch a fit if I treat them the same way.

They may very well end up going through significant emotional devastation themselves, at some point in their lives, as well.

 

And IMO---the LAST thing a person in recovering from a trauma needs, is someone invalidating them. It just increases the pain, exponentially---because it can leave the person feeling shamed, judged, condemned, & isolated.

 

 

I went through the deeply painful loss , of having one of my dearest friends pass away in recent years. As devastating as that was---being betrayed by someone I trusted was exponentially more painful.

 

Incidentally--I'm not even referring to an infidelity at the moment-- but a breach of trust by someone I considered to be one of my best friends.

 

I had believed that friendship was a safe haven for me--a place where I didn't have to keep my guard up, and my game face on. A place where I was safe to be my true self---where my vulnerabilities wouldn't be used against me.

 

Having that violated, has been devastating.

Being played as a chump by someone who was smiling to my face, and eviscerating me behind my back, has pulled the rug out from under me.

And yes---it has hurt me far worse than, having my other friend pass away.

My dear friend's death didn't cause huge damage to my capacity for trust.

My other friend's betrayal did.

 

 

Seren---my heart breaks on your behalf, now that I know more of your background. You were very courageous in sharing that, and I just want to express that I believe I understand where you're coming from. (as much as I can, from an outsider's point of view)

 

My background wasn't quite as difficult as yours was, but I experienced enough physical & emotional abuse as a child ,to have it affect both my capacity for trust, and my ability to "bounce back" from having my trust breached. So I do understand how it's THAT much more painful to be betrayed by someone who KNOWS what we've been through. It also makes the unempathetic little digs & jabs from uninformed bystanders hurt all the more. Those who didn't grow up with that, simply have no frame of reference.

 

Yet despite what you've been through--Seren, your graciousness & compassion has remained intact. There is an inner beauty in you that shines through your postings, and I for one, would like to express how grateful I am for your presence here. More than once, over the years---reading one of your posts has reminded me to feel compassion, when I was swimming in anger. You're an asset to this site.

[Spark1111]

yes, Freestyle. Those who try to quantify pain haver NOT experienced it at the same level.

 

I lost a brother suddenly in a car accident years ago. NOw I have other brothers, but this one was a best friend; someone who I could spend hours with laughing, introspecting, and sharing my heart with.

 

When he died tragically, I fell off the planet for quite awhile, and one or two friends in kindness suggested it might be time to move on.

 

That didn't anger me as much as made me realize they had not known a loss like mine. Maybe they weren't as close to a sibling as I was to mine.

 

Years later, when both had lost a parent they were close to, they came back and APOLOGIZED to me.

 

One said: "I now know I wasn't there enough for you, but I did not know that pain then and I do now."

 

The other said: Everything I told you was a crock of bad advice. I Never knew how much this could hurt or how long it would last."

 

Of course I forgave them. It made me realize that until you have walked a mile in my shoes, or I in your's, who am I to judge your pain? And, who are you to judge mine?

[woinlove]

One of the posters in that thread (forgot who) had a really good point, though. The issues you brought up there were way beyond the scope of the Infidelity forum. Her suggestion to seek professional help for those issues I thought was a valid one. Does this make you feel "attacked"?

 

I don't see how trying to describe how the pain of infidelity is felt by an individual or why it is considered abuse is beyond the scope of the infidelity forum. I think one should be able to discuss these matters in Infidelity.

 

Not sure what issues you are referring to that need professional help, but it was statements that Seren's posts about her own feelings were disgusting and that Seren should be ashamed of herself that were an attack (no quotes needed, imo). But, Seren, with her usual wisdom and compassion, brings up a good point. Sometimes an attack might be someone triggering on terrible past experiences.

Edited December 9, 2012 by woinlove

[ComingInHot]

Seren;

I missed whatever upset whomever on whatever thread was closed. But I have to say that knowing what I know of you from ALL of your comments is that you are one of the classiest ladies I have come across. I know that you would never intentionally hurt another. Now if your Truth upset or offended someone then better for them to see the truth as no matter how painful the truth is always the best.

There have been (and probably will be more) times where hearing the truth has upset me greatly. Not because I disagreed w/the truth but because I wasn't living by the truth! That always sucks for me...

Triggers are a part of our lives now. It's what we choose to do w/them that matters*

[seren]

Thank you all, and Open Book, I wasn't offended or felt attacked by your question at all. I posted this thread as I genuinely felt that the response to my post, especially on this side was quite angry and I thought I may have triggered someone and then that maybe others felt the same way. If that was the case, I truly meant my apology, not hurting others is fundamental to my beliefs. I was trying to explain how I feel, if it was too much for others, then again, I apologise. Given this is the Infidelity side and where it is generally held that our experiences as BS or XBS is up for discussion I felt safe to share. My bad.

 

IRL, I counsel and support survivors of rape and sexual abuse, I have been doing so for many years and have reconciled myself to what happened to me, as much as anyone can. I am informed by the many, many cases I have supported that my view is not in the minority, so I shared, in doing so I appear to have offended others, I make no apologies for my viewpoint, it is mine to own. What I do apologise for is if it triggered others. I am very careful how I respond to others, OW/OM included and while there might be occasions when I strongly disagree with views, I tend to not chip in as my words may hurt and so I suppose I didn't expect the response I received on this side.

 

My style and personality as viewed online might be misconstrued, IRL I am extremely assertive and a say it as it is person, on here, I recognise that people are hurt and so temper my responses, this is why I posted this thread and inadvertently triggering is the reason for my apology. My life, my experience, my view.