met a women when i was fat now im thin...

[Under The Radar]

a few points.

 

First: Why did you lose the weight? At least part of the reason was probably to look better, improve your social life, and be more attractive, right? Well, it worked.

 

Second: If the issue is, "does weight matter in dating?" the answer is, "yes, it does." to some people, it matters more; to others, it matters less. I imagine everyone's impacted by physicality in some way and a huge amount of weight loss or gain is a noticeable change in physicality. The biggest problem with superficiality is the degree to which someone focuses on it. From your story, i can't really say if this woman is what i'd consider overly/more than usual superficial or not.

 

Really, you never asked her out before. She never insulted you or avoided you for your weight (from your story). She chatted with you. But she wasn't attracted. Since all she really knew about you was the physical, and still pretty much is, that makes total sense if you weren't physically attractive. That doesn't sound like an overly superficial person to me - it sounds like everyone. Most women won't actively ask a man out unless they are really attracted to him. Apparently she's really attracted to you now. It's a compliment.

 

At any rate, she doesn't know you. You aren't friends. You don't know each other deeply. Nothing about her invites is coming from who you are, sure, but it couldn't be, because she doesn't know you. That's how many dating situations start, unless you date primarily through your social circle or some other means where you can actually know each other first. Most dates start superficially.

 

Third: The real problem is the perceived, psychological rejection from the past. She makes you feel like the fat guy, so she may never be a good option for you. No worries. Be flattered by the attention and turn it down. Feel empowered and proud of yourself for losing the weight. Now your outside better draws people in to see what you've got going on inside. Great!

 

The real problem isn't her or the superficiality of society - it's just that you feel dissonance about your weight loss because it makes you feel bad about yourself and who you used to be and probably sparks some fears about going back, i'm guessing. Instead, remember that the guy you used to be was still great and he was awesome enough to decide to lose this weight and improve yourself further. Good going!

 

 

^^^^^this^^^^^

[edgygirl]

I was also fat the last few years and now am 5'4 and 120 pounds and a lot more men give me lots attention these days. I was rejected once while I was fat and it hurt so much because I have a pretty face and have been chased by men all my life. So getting fat and rejected was really strange.

 

It hurts in a way to be accepted again because you're thin, but the truth is people can't help what they're attracted to. It's beyond their conscious level. I particularly don't really like guys who chase thin girls, I love when a guy can enjoy and not be ashamed of a fat girlfriend.

 

The truth is I think I was sexier overweight. I miss my body. But I like that cute guys stare at me now and look at my face and don't think I am fat and unlovable.

 

My advice is, just go with the flow now that you look, as you say, more socially acceptable. It goes with losing weight and you can't change it. You'll have more options and that's probably why you decided to lose weight anyway.

 

If you like her, meet her and see if her personality is sweet or if she's super shallow as you're afraid. I personally would prefer to be with someone who liked me for my insides and wasn't so fixated in my body. We will all get older and perhaps not as attractive in a few people's eyes and I would prefer a partner who would not abandon me if I don't look as hot when I'm older.

Edited December 9, 2012 by edgygirl

[ascendotum]

I was also fat the last few years and now am 5'4 and 120 pounds and a lot more men give me lots attention these days. I was rejected once while I was fat and it hurt so much because I have a pretty face and have been chased by men all my life. So getting fat and rejected was really strange.

 

It hurts in a way to be accepted again because you're thin, but the truth is people can't help what they're attracted to. It's beyond their conscious level. I particularly don't really like guys who chase thin girls, I love when a guy can enjoy and not be ashamed of a fat girlfriend.

 

The truth is I think I was sexier overweight. I miss my body. But I like that cute guys stare at me now and look at my face and don't think I am fat and unlovable.

 

My advice is, just go with the flow now that you look, as you say, more socially acceptable. It goes with losing weight and you can't change it. You'll have more options and that's probably why you decided to lose weight anyway.

 

If you like her, meet her and see if her personality is sweet or if she's super shallow as you're afraid. I personally would prefer to be with someone who liked me for my insides and wasn't so fixated in my body. We will all get older and perhaps not as attractive in a few people's eyes and I would prefer a partner who would not abandon me if I don't look as hot when I'm older.

 

People have very different definitions of fat I find. I've known a number of thin/slender who have gone from say 120 to 135 and its 'OMG I'mmmm sooooo faaaatttt. OMG my skinny jeans dont fit me any more and my ass is huuuuuge. I look disgusting.' These women still were not short of male attention, they were just blinkered to it because it was not coming as much from the players.

 

You got 1 rejection when you chubbed up...that's nothing in the scheme of modern dating. Any change from what people are used to will resonate with them, but what's a OMG change for some, will be 'wow I wish I was as lucky and had it as good as you do' for others. Like in your post, you like it that 'cute' guys notice you again. You get validation because more attractive guys are flirting with you again. Its human nature, and it goes both ways (attraction for people with better physiques) its just that it hits home when any one of us experiences a fairly dramatic change in appearance, and we dismiss the fact that have similar biases.

 

As a couple of others have pointed out here, we don't know if the people you meet now as the new skinny/trim/fit/buff you, would have given us the 'talk to the hand' attitude in our previous form...there's a good chance they could have. edgygirl you likely really dont know if your past cute guys were primarily just into you because of your thin body or that they would be ashamed to date a fat girl.

 

I would prefer a partner who would not abandon me if I don't look as hot when I'm older.

imo you will have a better chance on this if you settled down with an avg looking guy as opposed to holding out for the cute/hot ones, as there is a better chance the guy will be rapped to have landed you, and this will be reflected more in his love + devotion to you (just generally speaking)

Edited December 10, 2012 by ascendotum

[charlietheginger]

Ok more detail last yr my marriage ended

October.. It was last december i was 232lbs

And was walking my dogs...

 

Its a big fenced in area...

I pet her dog . See she had a cure tshirt

On we talked about music and all kinds

Of stuff...

It was getting dark she and i had to

go as the park ranger was closing the park

About 20 of us gathered are dogs..

 

I asked how often she comes to the dog

Park...

She seemed not interested and said oh when

i can i told her goodnite she said." Yea you to"

 

So flash forward 1 yr...

i saw her at the picnic table chatting

It was hot here in florida i was far away

Prob 100yrs away from everyone off

Said what the hell i could use a little sun

Took off my shirt just wearing jeans

Throwing the tennis ball...

This what i now look like now

http://i50.tinypic.com/2m5do2q.jpg

 

Here she comes from 100yrs away

Says hello starts yacking asking

Me about gyms and places to work out

Says she thought she knew me from

A crossfit event she went to.

Ivites me to Christmas party....

 

Ask me later via text that its a couple

Party ask flirty like we are boyfriend

Girlfriend..

 

Thats when i explained i met her

At the dog park a yr ago but 40lbs

Heavier...

 

She asked what im gonna wear and

She wants to know the colors to

match her outfit to mine...

 

I explain i dont have many new clothes

That fit going from a 36 to 30inch waiste

I only have a few pairs of jeans and tshirts..

 

She asked if i could buy some new

Nice casual dress pants kaki and

A fitted tshirt..

 

i told her im sorry im on a tight budget

I dont have 100$ extra to spend on tshirt

And pants this week...

 

She says no problem later this week we can

Goto the mall she will buy me a outfit .I can

Wear it and she will return it later...

 

NOW THE TRUTH COMES OUT

Her ex bf will be at the party with his

New girlfriend and she says " i want

A hot guy on my arm to prove to that

Ahole im a hott woman "

 

I told her im ok with it ill act like were

Bf gf couple.....

 

She said thanks and being were a bf gf couple

After the party we will do what bf and gfs do...

 

Sent a smiley text ...

 

So here i am just a tool a women is using

For revenge to get back at her.ex bf....

 

Hell im just gonna enjoy it...

She is buying clothes

Buying the dinner

Says the tab is all on her...

 

Apparently she and her ex were supposed to

Goto this hip christmas party $40 a piece

With open bar dinner dance event...

 

She got dumped by her ex for another girl

Girl posted on facebook she was going

To the christmas party with chad her ex bf....

 

 

So im.basically going as a "manwhore"

but what the heck who cares....

 

Atleast its better then sitting at home

Edited December 10, 2012 by charlietheginger

[charlietheginger]

You guys are right

I cant be hung up on how fat i used to be....

 

If women want me , flirt with me , want to take me

Out....

 

I might as well just enjoy it

Don't question it

Or turn it down.....

 

Just do what makes the women and myself happy...

 

Look in the mirror and relize my 40lb fat

Coat is gone and whats under it was what

I see now....

 

A new improved me...

 

Thanks everyone

[ja123]

Dude!!! Ok Ok She's superficial!!!!

 

Why didn't you tell us this in your op?

 

Run man! You deserve better than this.

[ascendotum]

That's some solid flirting on her behalf. While some guys on here complain how its so hard to know if a woman is actually into them, once you pass a certain level in looks the IOI from women start to become pretty obvious. There's a few big build masculine guys I know that post divorce with no ring on their finger, got bold approaches like this quite often from 30s something women.

she offers to take you shopping without really knowing you + 'After the party we will do what bf and gfs do.' Sweet. Your good as gold. Find the $ for the new pants + shirt.

 

I find how long a person spends as fat or skinny, determines how much of an impact it has on their mindset post transformation. The longer you got used to not getting attention, the longer it will take to adjust to the new you. That later pic of you, you have good physique now, and for sure having your top off + her just being dumped and looking to make her ex jealous got her to walk over to you. Don't take her seriously.

[FitChick]

So now you know that at the time you spoke to her a year ago, she had a boyfriend.

 

I am more disturbed by the fact that she'd buy clothes and have you wear them and then return them to the store afterward! What a cow.

[charlietheginger]

Dude!!! Ok Ok She's superficial!!!!

 

Why didn't you tell us this in your op?

 

Run man! You deserve better than this.

 

I just found out today...

She text me asking to speak

 

So we chatted she explained why she was

So rushy becuase of the party she has to

Goto...

 

But she likes me and hopes we can date more

Afterwards...

 

I joked and said " lmg you have a new years party

And need a date "

She luaghed and said ofcoarse and chuckled...

 

She is really cool and eazy to talk to....

her being dumped isnt a big deal i suppose...

 

Im just gonna go with the flow....

She is a lawyer and dont have much time

For dating.

She also claims most guys in the social

Circle she is in ,other lawyers ,doctors

Are aholes and not worth dating

[charlietheginger]

That's some solid flirting on her behalf. While some guys on here complain how its so hard to know if a woman is actually into them, once you pass a certain level in looks the IOI from women start to become pretty obvious. There's a few big build masculine guys I know that post divorce with no ring on their finger, got bold approaches like this quite often from 30s something women.

she offers to take you shopping without really knowing you + 'After the party we will do what bf and gfs do.' Sweet. Your good as gold. Find the $ for the new pants + shirt.

 

I find how long a person spends as fat or skinny, determines how much of an impact it has on their mindset post transformation. The longer you got used to not getting attention, the longer it will take to adjust to the new you. That later pic of you, you have good physique now, and for sure having your top off + her just being dumped and looking to make her ex jealous got her to walk over to you. Don't take her seriously.

Yes i won't take it serious

She is bold 37yrs old a lil

on the dominate side

But ill just go...

 

Ill prob have a good time.....

 

oh yes she had a bf for 4yrs he dumped her

Last month ..

[ascendotum]

So now you know that at the time you spoke to her a year ago, she had a boyfriend.

 

I am more disturbed by the fact that she'd buy clothes and have you wear them and then return them to the store afterward! What a cow.

 

Eh I missed that bit. She'll actually front the $ for the clothes she is that desperate/keen to have him on her arm that night. But to then take them back to the stores, that's scabby (good luck if they smell of xmas party, but that her problem).

[ja123]

This is too wacky, Dude!

 

But have fun, you're bound to have a story to tell outta this one!

 

[charlietheginger]

This is too wacky, Dude!

 

But have fun, you're bound to have a story to tell outta this one!

 

 

It's prob gonna get even wackier

After the party when i tell her

Im not attracted to her...

 

Im really not sexually attracted to her

Emotionally yes like how she talks

How she converses how her personality

Is..

 

But i think its gross she wants to offer sex

As a thankyou for attending a party to

Make her ex jealous...

 

I was sex love making to be a magic spark

Between two people not just a wham bam

Kinda thing...

 

Ill see how the party goes

And how the clothes shopping goes

On wensday...

 

Btw her ex is a redhead also...

 

Wonder how it will be looking at her

if we have sex knowing some other

ugly freckled redhead guy had sex with

Her just before i did..

[ja123]

It's prob gonna get even wackier

After the party when i tell her

Im not attracted to her...

 

Im really not sexually attracted to her

Emotionally yes like how she talks

How she converses how her personality

Is..

 

But i think its gross she wants to offer sex

As a thankyou for attending a party to

Make her ex jealous...

 

I was sex love making to be a magic spark

Between two people not just a wham bam

Kinda thing...

 

Ill see how the party goes

And how the clothes shopping goes

On wensday...

 

Btw her ex is a redhead also...

 

Wonder how it will be looking at her

if we have sex knowing some other

ugly freckled redhead guy had sex with

Her just before i did..

 

 

Dude! Stop lying to yourself! You're tittilated and gagging for it! You totally want to wham bam this chick! Gross or not! Own your inner animal!

[Cutiepie1976]

So now you know that at the time you spoke to her a year ago, she had a boyfriend.

 

I am more disturbed by the fact that she'd buy clothes and have you wear them and then return them to the store afterward! What a cow.

 

OMG, I was so disturbed by that comment too! Talk about a lack of morals!

[Radu]

I just found out today...

She text me asking to speak

 

So we chatted she explained why she was

So rushy becuase of the party she has to

Goto...

 

But she likes me and hopes we can date more

Afterwards...

 

I joked and said " lmg you have a new years party

And need a date "

She luaghed and said ofcoarse and chuckled...

 

She is really cool and eazy to talk to....

her being dumped isnt a big deal i suppose...

If it wasn't a big deal she wouldn't have gone through all this stuff to get a date for the party. Make no mistake, it wasn't easy for her to be honest about her ulterior motives.

If you want to have some fun, play along and don't show up at the party.

See how 'not a big deal' it is then.

 

Im just gonna go with the flow....

She is a lawyer and dont have much time

For dating.

This is a lie.

 

She also claims most guys in the social

Circle she is in ,other lawyers ,doctors

Are aholes and not worth dating

She is putting down ppl from her social circle that you will end up meeting.

Nice character.

 

---

 

Bottom line ... use her.

And in the future, beware of those that would not give you any attention if you were different [see how they interact with others], and be very weary of dating lawyers and artists [i'm in law school myself].

[zengirl]

So now you know that at the time you spoke to her a year ago, she had a boyfriend.

 

Yep. I'm disturbed about the whole "make my ex jealous" thing, but it really has nothing to do with your "now I've lost weight" thing, though obviously you wouldn't be a good candidate if you hadn't lost the weight. I'm not a fan of schemes myself.

 

I am more disturbed by the fact that she'd buy clothes and have you wear them and then return them to the store afterward!

 

Agree entirely. The make the BF jealous scheme, well, at least it seems she told you about it - it's not really unethical to you if you're in on it, and it's mostly just stupid - but this is 100% unethical.

[ja123]

be very weary of dating lawyers and artists [i'm in law school myself].

 

Lawyers? OK, you mean they're fast-talking, manipulative liars?

 

But, artists?

 

Explain.

[BetheButterfly]

Well dont know what to think

About this....

 

A women from my past i met a yr ago

We chatted she had zero interest...

But was chatty talking about her

Life this was at a dog park

 

We talked about her school classes

Her music taste being she had a "thecure"

Tshirt on i mentioned i saw thecure at curiousafest

A few years before. Her dogs name was Shelia

 

So now a yr later 40lbs lighter

I see her i pick up the conversation

Hey shelia petting her dog hows school

 

This women had no idea who i was

And asked me to a christmas party

Next saturday...

We exchange text and she ask how does

She know me ?

I explained i lost weight now she text me what

Im doing tonight and if i wanna shoot pool..

I polity declined but told her i definitely

Look forward to next weekend and maybe

Hangout sooner its just that i already had

Plans tonight she sent a smiley text noproblem...

 

Here is my concern .. This women talked with

Me a hour a yr ago didnt even remember me?

Now invites me to shoot pool? And a party?

 

Im on the fence now i know she is superficial

And only dates because of outside appearances...

 

Im still the same guy as i was 40lbs heavier..

This is how i looked 1yr

http://i47.tinypic.com/63yhbm.jpg

this how i look today

http://i45.tinypic.com/3484vir.jpg

 

Congratulations on losing weight and being healthier!!! You are very handsome!

 

My husband is very into fitness and gaining muscle instead of fat. He would not have even looked twice at me if I was 40 lbs. heavier than I am. I don't get upset at that, because I am attracted to his muscular and fit shell and I really adore how he looks!!! :love:

 

Now, I love his character and convictions and personality and all that makes him "him." I am personally not so hung up on the shell of a person, but yes I do very much appreciate being married to a strong, healthy, and handsome man who loves me and who I love!!!

 

One of the things we agreed on before marrying is that I would take care of my health. I wrestle with gaining fat, same as my wonderful Mom does. However, I feel so much better when I don't have lots of fat clinging to my shell. It really helps my confidence to be thinner.

 

One thing that I have a hard time telling to some of my beautiful friends who have a lot of weight is that many guys "friendzone" them because they are overweight. If they would lose some of the fat on their shells (bodies), then the men they want to have relationships with would be more interested in getting to know them.

 

So, even though I understand if you're annoyed that this lady wasn't interested when you were heavier, I do understand her. Many guys are the same way. That is one reason why I encourage people who are having difficulties finding a girlfriend/boyfriend to work out. It does help because having a fit shell does bring about more chemistry, especially to people who are themselves fit.

[BetheButterfly]

It's prob gonna get even wackier

After the party when i tell her

Im not attracted to her...

 

Im really not sexually attracted to her

Emotionally yes like how she talks

How she converses how her personality

Is..

 

Do you see her as someone you would like to commit with?

 

But i think its gross she wants to offer sex

As a thankyou for attending a party to

Make her ex jealous...

I agree. I would totally refuse.

 

I was sex love making to be a magic spark

Between two people not just a wham bam

Kinda thing..

100% agree.

 

Ill see how the party goes

And how the clothes shopping goes

On wensday...

 

Btw her ex is a redhead also...

 

Wonder how it will be looking at her

if we have sex knowing some other

ugly freckled redhead guy had sex with

Her just before i did..

I'm a redheaded lady and I don't appreciate it when some people seem to see redheads as people without souls who are an erotic sex toy. We do have souls (same as everybody else) and many redheads appreciate love, and love with passion!!!