Iamafool Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 Ok here goes...first time posting please be gentle. I have been having an affair with a MM for 2 years. The situation has so many sides. I have been divorced for a year after a 10+ year marriage. The divorce was not because of the MM it was over before I met him but I will say the relationship gave me a little push. He has been married 20 years and tells me he is going to leave his wife after his youngest kid turns 18. That is 5 years away and I don't think I can hang on. Did I mention we work together so I see him every day. I don't think I can spend anymore holidays alone while he is with his wife pretending everything is fine, much less weekends and every other day of the week. He says he loves me and I do love him. He has also told me he still loves his wife but he loves me more. Seems like he is getting the best of both worlds. He also says he has little to no intimacy with his wife. I get sick and my heart hurts at the thought of them together, either intimately or just spending time together. I know this whole situation is wrong I don't need to be preached or lectured to. I want out and am slowly pulling away but WOW it hurts so bad. I wish I had more strength and courage. I can definitely look for another job but it will take some time so I am stuck seeing him every day.
BetrayedH Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 You will want to post your thread in the OM/OW forum as you are the other woman in your scenario. Perhaps the moderators will move it for you. This part of the site is dominated by betrayed spouses (such as myself). You do seem to have your own answer. I hope you can stick with it. 1
jnj express Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 You are not enjoying your life---yet you continue on with this guy----do you really want a future---with the piece of scum, that he is-----he is destroying a perfectly innocent child, and very probably an innocent wife Please do not defend him, for he himself is a liar/cheat/manipulator/he is decietful, and basically he is repugnant as a human being---that is what HE is, and you love him----what qualities does he have that you LOVE---do you love the qualities, I just mentioned, cuz those ARE his qualities Do you, as you say enjoy being alone on holidays, weekends, waiting for him to come up with some time, so you can spread your legs for him---cuz that's all you really do isn't it---being married I am sure he can't take you out into the public eye Is this what you want for the rest of your life, waiting by the phone, so this scumbag lover of yours can call you and line up his tawdry sex with you Are you telling me there are NO single men you can find to go out with, what are you in a tiny population area, cuz if not---there are an awful lot of very nice men, out there, who I am sure would jump at the chance to go out with a nice woman.---- I will leave you with 2 things----You only get one trip thru life on this planet----and that trip is spose to be a happy trip------2nd thing and this IS a factual statistic---97% of all A. hookups FAIL. 1
jnel921 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 (edited) You need to find someone else who doesn't work with you, is single and can dedicate his time to you. I don't know how anyone would be willing to waste years of their life waiting on something that may never happen. You are aligning your life with his, meanwhile you have no life and have to sit and wait for him to spare some time away from the woman and family he really wants to be with. He will feed you these lies as long as you give him the attention. You say you love him. What do you love? The way he uses you? Stop wasting your time, hurting his wife and do yourself a favor and walk away TODAY! Edited December 11, 2012 by jnel921
road Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I have been having an affair with a MM for 2 years. I have been divorced for a year after a 10+ year marriage. The divorce was not because of the MM it was over before I met him but I will say the relationship gave me a little push. This is code for I started my affair with the OM while I was still married. Does your BH know that you cheated on him? You need to tell him and your kids as well. Your decision to cheat killed your marriage and family apart. Instead of using all of your energy to recover your marriage you let yourself believe the OM's lies. You now are admitting the OM is a liar that is why you are here. The cheat with you the will cheat on you. The time to end this affair, to apologize to your family, is now. 1
porcelainprincess Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 One day you will reach your breaking point, like I did. Something inside of you will just snap. How do I know this? Because you're posting in this thread about it. I see a lot of myself in you, and I suspect we have similar qualities - kind, nurturing, sweet, "innocent" women. I don't know you, but I do know you deserve better. I highly doubt anything I say to you will change your mind, for me it took him bringing the lady into my house. Don't let it go this far - it shook me to my core & I am trying to rebuild. With that said, if you've been this strong so far, I suspect you will need to be harmed in front of your own eyes.... Stay safe
wanting more Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 I understand how you feel.* Pulling away is very very hard,* but if his BW discovers the A,* it'll be 100 times harder when he's forced to make a decision, and he'll choose his W and family.* * I don't see why you should tell your XH about the A.* If you're divorced, why tell him???* I know everyone says the BS should know so they can make their own choice about staying in the M but if you're divorced for over a year.............why should she tell now?
wanting more Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 For one thing, he can move on COMPLETELY and not have any regrets - ever. The OP has no idea what's REALLY going through her ex's mind - even a year later. The guy could be wondering if he did the right thing by divorcing, could he have done more, I should have done this, I could have done that, etc. Besides the fact that it's the RIGHT thing to do. Some people just don't have any empathy . . . hence the cheating. You dont know whats going on in her ex's mind either. He could be in a place that he is content and happy and moving on with his life.
wanting more Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 I would think if I'd be divorced for over a year, it wouldn't make a difference. She's been In the A for 2 and divorced for 1. No divorce is " happy" so I'm sure if was difficult to deal with. Why after a year would more pain have to be brought on? I wouldn't want to know a year later divorcing that an A was taking place.
TiredFamilyGuy Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 (edited) OP. Here are the potential scenarios that can play out: A) You wait for 5 years, he divorces his wife, you marry, you live happily ever after. B) You wait for 5 years, he divorces his wife, you cohabit for a while, find that relating to each other as spouses is not so good, it doesn't work out. C) You wait for 5 years, he strings you along for a while, doesn't divorce his wife, you end up with nothing having wasted your time and your previous marriage. D) You give the OM an ultimatum now and move ahead with scenarios A)-C) without wasting five years. E) You quit now, and out of the goodwill in your heart, are up-front and honest with your former partner that you had an affair before you broke up: aside from the moral effort of doing this, it costs you little and allows a thousand loose ends in your former spouses mind, to find a home. It is also the right thing to do. Being free you can then find a new partner with a clear and open heart. I give your fantasy option A) no more than 5% likelihood, and feel I am being optimistically generous. What you should do for your self-respect and because it is right, is E). If you are too weak to do that, at least choose D) and don't waste your life. I know you are in a difficult situation (albeit of your own making) here, but it's not rocket science, it's alternatives you see and choices that you must make. Use your providence-given faculties here, and don't stay in bitter-sweet paralysis while you waste your life. Here's hoping you have the clarity of mind and strength of will to see what needs to be done and act. Edited December 15, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy
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