How to end a relationship

[pinkstar]

Hi, I've been out with a guy for two times, but I'd like to end this relationship... I know him from work, he was my colleague before, but I changed my job last year but he kept in touch over FB and after a year, he asked me out. There are couple of things, I did not like ... on first date, he asked me out for drink and he paid for the first drink, I offered, I can pay myself ( maybe I shouldn't do that..) but he said no, the second drink on the first date, I did not want to drink more, so he bought one for himself and I just drank water! after a week, he asked me out for lunch, he did not book, so we just sat at a normal restaurant not an expensive one, anyways, he paid and this time I just said thank you, I did not say I'd pay...to see what he says...but after that he said, next time your shout!! I got hurt, but then we walked around and then he asked to sit in a bar again so I paid for drinks ( I did not want to owe him anything!!) but I was obviously hurt, I paid for drinks for both of us, 2 drinks each time.. I'm from a different background, different culture,and in my culture, always guys pay .. I really don't understand, but I don't want to go out with him any more, just because he was my colleague once, I don't know how to say no and be polite and what to tell him.. please advise..thanks

[lovesick1]

Plenty of options after 2 dates.

 

Here's 3 that come to mind right away-

 

You aren't my type

I'm seeing someone else

I want to focus on my career/not looking for a relationship

 

If you aren't physically attracted to him this should be relatively easy. If he gives you any arguing or lip just take it on the chin, be firm and walk away

[allenpo123]

I get how you feel!! It's not like we don't have money to pay for ourselves, it's the feeling right!? I would expect the guy to be willing to pay, and has already set his mind that he "should" pay; but of course I would find a way to pay him back, or offer to pay a part of the bill. And he "asking" you to pay for the next meal? A BIG BIG NO!

 

Since he's a former colleague, maybe you could politely refuse him when he asks you out again, till he gets the hint...

[betterdeal]

Being honest, and clear, and respectful is one approach. Something like:

 

"I'm not the girl for you, because you're not the guy for me. No hard feelings?"

 

Now, he may take it gracefully, which is great, or he may not which (to a point) is understandable. If he oversteps the point at which you feel comfortable, let him know, firmly, fairly. Bear in mind what's at stake here is a major element of your life (a long term, intimate partnership) which under the right circumstances with someone good enough for you will lead to you handing over your soul to that other person so that you may both carry it safely to the grave. You don't give that away lightly, and no-one has the right to take it from you. Act with the grace and manners you expect for yourself.

Edited December 9, 2012 by betterdeal

[integralForest]

Its great that you want to tell him directly that you aren't interested, but you could probably get away with declining a few of his date offers. He'll get the hint since it has only been three dates.

 

Regarding paying, it can be tricky. I was raised more traditionally so I ALWAYS pay. Once the relationship is more established (several months +), I still pay most of the time. Usually this is well received. but in a few instances, women don't like the man paying. I've also been told off once for opening doors for a woman. A lot of women don't expect or want a man to be especially chivalrous. Sometimes they think he is just using that behavior to negotiate for sex.. and likely there are guys that actually do that.

 

Regarding the dates, don't you think its confusing to expect him to always pay but also buy him drinks and offer to pay during your first date? Maybe he figures you don't mind paying sometimes because you've set that expectation? That seems a little confusing to me.

[pinkstar]

I offered to pay at the beginning to be polite.. Or maybe not sure about the culture in this country I'm living now.. When he said directly next time your shout it was over for me !! So I paid for the drinks, but to be honest I can't say directly as you said I'll try to decline next time, I'm lucky not to work in same place as him to see him more so it's getting more difficult :)I m also not expecting him to pay always but he invited me, so how can he expect me to share or to pay the bill ? He even didn't book in advance and it wasnt the fancy restaurant at all so the meal wasn't expensive .. I also didn't order the most expensive one just the normal price .. So the last thing I want is to end up in a relationship with a stingy guy

[mickleb]

I offered to pay at the beginning to be polite.. Or maybe not sure about the culture in this country I'm living now.. When he said directly next time your shout it was over for me !! So I paid for the drinks, but to be honest I can't say directly as you said I'll try to decline next time, I'm lucky not to work in same place as him to see him more so it's getting more difficult :)I m also not expecting him to pay always but he invited me, so how can he expect me to share or to pay the bill ? He even didn't book in advance and it wasnt the fancy restaurant at all so the meal wasn't expensive .. I also didn't order the most expensive one just the normal price .. So the last thing I want is to end up in a relationship with a stingy guy

 

Honestly? I'm afraid I'm going to sound rude now, but I think you should explain that you're upset because he didn't pay out like the cash machine you expected him to be.

 

You haven't once mentioned anything about this guy other than his talent for spending money on you. So, let him go and find someone who respects him for who he is.

 

And he deserves the truth: he might think he's done something wrong. I don't think he has at all.

Edited December 9, 2012 by mickleb

[pinkstar]

It's not the money at all, the way he asked was rude. , I'm not the type of the person who goes out with men for lunch or dinner, so I knew him from work not from bar or online. By the way, he's not my type and I didn't fall for him so easier to stop seeing him. In my last relationships I never ever let a guy pay all the time or buy an expensive present or such a thing and always try to make it up for them.

[mickleb]

It's not the money at all, the way he asked was rude. , I'm not the type of the person who goes out with men for lunch or dinner, so I knew him from work not from bar or online. By the way, he's not my type and I didn't fall for him so easier to stop seeing him. In my last relationships I never ever let a guy pay all the time or buy an expensive present or such a thing and always try to make it up for them.

 

I'm sorry, but from what you've written, I wouldn't agree. If he isn't your type, why were you going out to lunch with him anyway, let alone expecting him to pay for everything?

 

You were rude not to offer to pay half when the bill came, which is why he said, light-heartedly that the next time could be your shout. That's not rude of him, it's reasonable. But, yet, you decided to continue the date, 'obviously hurt' and just made it a further waste of both your time.

 

How would you have made all the free dinners up to this guy who you were not into, anyway?

[pinkstar]

The first date was only one hour not enough time to decide if he's my type or not. He asked me out for drinks only in first date. I offered to pay as I said and he said no . It wasn't a dinner at all. Second date he asked to meet for lunch, the bill was not a big bill so I didn't ask to pay, it was like an invitation, will you pay if you are a guest ? I was hurt and after I bought 2 drinks for him I told him I'm gonna go home and didn't waste his and my own time. I am not a girl after a guy who pays for lunch and dinner even I preferred not to eat anything at all just to talk first to see if he's my type or not .. It was his idea. The good point is I paid for the drinks, the same money he paid for that lunch so I don't owe him anything. You got me wrong.

[SmileFace]

I think your reasoning is silly. However I think you should just tell him exactly why you are not pleased with how he conducted his self.

[mickleb]

The first date was only one hour not enough time to decide if he's my type or not. He asked me out for drinks only in first date. I offered to pay as I said and he said no . It wasn't a dinner at all. Second date he asked to meet for lunch, the bill was not a big bill so I didn't ask to pay, it was like an invitation, will you pay if you are a guest ? I was hurt and after I bought 2 drinks for him I told him I'm gonna go home and didn't waste his and my own time. I am not a girl after a guy who pays for lunch and dinner even I preferred not to eat anything at all just to talk first to see if he's my type or not .. It was his idea. The good point is I paid for the drinks, the same money he paid for that lunch so I don't owe him anything. You got me wrong.

 

If someone invited me out for lunch, I would never take the attitude of of 'I'm the guest - they pay'. If someone invites me round their house for a coffee, I'll bring a cake. You complained about the quality of restaurant he dared to take you to: like it was an insult. You clearly paid for the drinks with bitterness, and are quite aware of exactly how much he paid and how much you paid. I'm not sure I've got you so wrong.

 

Just tell the guy you were insulted by him not paying for everything and leave him to find someone who is interested in who he his. But, if you want a meaningful relationship with someone yourself, consider entering the 21st century, where not all guys feel obliged to lavish money on someone who doesn't even like them, anyway.

[pinkstar]

I will never say him in his face the reason I'm not that much rude. Going to some ones home for coffee or lunch or dinner is something else. Yes I'll do the same !buy something like a cake chocolate etc. and yes I know how much he paid because I ordered so I know the price . Any way it's over, because I didn't like the way he asked. If ever I go out with some one else I'll pay the bill or half the bill.. The guys I dated before even got irritated if ever I asked to pay and never let me pay that's why I got surprised with this one. I'm an independent girl with a good job and good salary , so im not after a rich guy to pay for my dinner or lunch or go out with any stranger I meet at a bar or online. The only thing I expect from a guy is respect.

[mickleb]

I will never say him in his face the reason I'm not that much rude. Going to some ones home for coffee or lunch or dinner is something else. Yes I'll do the same !buy something like a cake chocolate etc. and yes I know how much he paid because I ordered so I know the price . Any way it's over, because I didn't like the way he asked. If ever I go out with some one else I'll pay the bill or half the bill.. The guys I dated before even got irritated if ever I asked to pay and never let me pay that's why I got surprised with this one. I'm an independent girl with a good job and good salary , so im not after a rich guy to pay for my dinner or lunch or go out with any stranger I meet at a bar or online. The only thing I expect from a guy is respect.

 

I, honestly, feel you disrespected him, not the other way around. The funny things is, if you'd offered to pay your share, he might've been quite happy to get the tab!

 

I understand that you are from a 'different culture'. I'm not sure which. But most guys don't get irritated if you offer to pay. Why would they? If they have offered to get the bill and you insist on paying, then maybe they'll find that a little annoying but just to offer to go Dutch? Makes no sense to me.

 

Anyway. Tell the guy you think you're incompatible but give him the respect of explaining the truth, if he asks for it.

 

Good luck.

[GLDheart]

Hey it's easy. You OBVIOUSLY aren't "into" him... explaining away the minutia is irrelevant.

 

Try something like "Thanks for taking me out. I appreciate it. I'm glad we are friends. To be frank, I don't really see this becoming romantic for me. I just want to repay your kindness and generosity with respect enough to tell you that early on now that I've sorted it out."

 

 

p.s.

 

Your bit about "paying/not paying/offering to pay/but being old fashioned where he should pay" confused the crap out of me. Try not to blame him too much for his attempt in akwardly adapting to your flip flopping ideals.

[pinkstar]

Yes that's right .. I am not into him At all.. I m a girl not to experience dating that much specially in this country , not accepting any invitation from the guys .. I said yes to go out with this one because I knew him from work and I thought maybe it works , age education and job compatible with me .. I just wish he won't ask me out so easier for me although he said next time see u later and something like that.Getting advice from you guys showed I made a mistake to let him pay and I ll be careful in future experiences. This one is over.

[Bodie]

I'm sorry but it's time to grow up. Relationships are a two way street. You cannot expect him to father you and pay for everything at your whim! Otherwise he is paying for you to go out with him and like him.....