Heartbroken and ruined my own evening

[GG3]

I was dating someone months ago and fell in love with him. He was in his 40's, never married. I felt like he was in love with me too. He called constantly and certainly acted as though he was falling for me. I was suspicious of a few things such as he seemed to have had a lot of relationships that didn't work out and there was always something wrong with everyone else according to him. Very suddenly after 3 months he became very distant and at times critical of me. When we did talk, he had been overanalyzing things and told me that he hadn't been able to feel feelings of love in 15 years for anyone and he thought we were headed down the same path. I saw a lot of strange behaviors throughout the next few months and basically I'm certain without a doubt he has OCD. He was so icy and distant, that eventually I couldn't take it anymore and broke up with him. This description describes him to a T along with other types of OCD things I saw:

 

Relationship obsessive

 

3 months later I got a job offer miles away and took it. He had tried to contact me occasionally to say hi (no deep conversation or anything) and when he did, I just kept it very short. I didn't get an indication he was hoping I would talk more than that either. When I got to my other city, he flipped out and called me. Said he had been depressed ever since we broke up and even left my pajamas on the floor in the same spot I left them in, for 3 months. He said he hadn't gone on one single date since we broke up. Never once did he say he wanted to get back together. But he did say he couldn't understand why we can't be friends. He also told me the reason he got so distant, was he found out his parents got engaged after only 3 weeks of dating and since he didn't feel that way about me, he thought the relationship wouldn't work out.

 

I realize that his reasoning indicates that he has issues and I should be able to look at that and move on. But I'm having a hard time doing it anyway. Tonight I went on a dating website and saw he had posted a profile and it said he couldn't wait to start the next phase of his life and find that special someone. I have been at home crying. He continues to find little reasons to contact me occasionally and I don't understand why.

 

It really hurts me that he found all these little analytical reasons why he wasn't "feeling the feelings he should be feeling" yet when we broke up, he left my clothes on the floor in the same spot for three months out of depression over the breakup and didn't see that as an indicator that there were more feelings there than he is understanding.

 

I don't know why I'm even posting this. I guess I just need someone to listen and some kind words this evening.

Edited December 9, 2012 by GG3

[spaniard]

Hah. ROCD. I was quite surprised that it hasn't showed up on this forum. Until now. Let me copy here my comment that was written more than a year ago, when I realized there is something wrong with me.

 

"My Goodness, so it has a name – ROCD.

 

It’s a bit better now to know I’m not alone. But it doesn’t help me at all. I’m seriously depressed and I have no idea what to do.

 

Everything started 5 years ago. I had a girlfriend for 7 months. One day she gave me a little present – nothing serious, it was just a hamster. The very next day, I went to school (we attended the same high school) and felt that I’m suddenly out of love for no reason. We had been happy together, we hadn’t had fights and it had been a happy relationship. I was depressed. I just felt that I didn’t love her anymore, although I WANTED to love her, wanted to kiss her and be with her. It was terrible, and eventually led to a break-up. It wasn’t just falling out of love, it was a very scary feeling, an anxiety that I don’t love her anymore.

 

Now I met this girl last month. We have been together for one and a half month. I fell in love with her. She just seems to be perfect for me. We have so many common things and although I met her only a few weeks ago, I knew that I loved her and she also told me that she loved me.

 

And then last Sunday when we were talking about some neutral things, anxiety kicked in. I felt EXACTLY what I felt 5 years ago, i felt that I didn’t love her. Can you understand it? It happened in less than a minute! What the hell is wrong with me? I’m so depressed. I want to be with her, I want to kiss her, but I don’t love her anymore. It is terrible, I can’t bear the thought of losing her, but I don’t love her.

 

Can anyone help me?"

 

So approximately this is how it works. This very girl dumped me 5 months ago, but that is another story.

 

Good news: ROCD can be beaten. It is a terrible feeling, but one can beat the **** out of it. I never took any medicine (unnecessary), but you have to create your own way to handle situations like this. It would take a whole topic to explain how it really works, but when I wrote that comment I was completely out of love, still, a few months later I was totally in love with the same girl.

 

But anxiety kicks in from time to time and it's a horrible, horrible feeling. The only difference is whether you can beat the devil or not.

 

For more, check this: http://www.obsessivecompulsions.com/relationship-ocd/ (Also the comments part. It is even more useful then the article.)

Edited December 9, 2012 by spaniard

[coffeebean201]

Just because he has an online dating profile up doesn't mean he is serious about finding another woman.

 

Sounds like he got cold feet about something about your relationship about 3 months in. And then started being icy/distant so you would break up with him.

 

He sounds like a serious-relationship-newbie.

 

Wonder what his response would be if you started happily dating someone else....... He had a strong response to you moving away for the new job.

[Cutiepie1976]

You can't fix others, although you can certainly waste a lot of frustrated years trying if you want as those women who take on "projects" and try to change the men they date do. He's not interested in making the fundamental changes that you feel he needs to make. You alone are interested in him doing this inner work. He continues to cycle through girlfriends, and much as you did, a new woman will buy into his promises and start trying to build something special with him.

 

Bottom line: he's out actively looking for his next short-term pseudo-relationship. You, on the other hand, are sitting at home fixated on what could have been but for his dysfunction. He's moving forward. You're the one who is stuck and stagnating.

 

He can't give you what you're looking for in a relationship. You're in a new city. New job. It's a new beginning and a chance to find someone who is emotionally healthy enough to build and sustain a lasting relationship.

 

Please focus on finding your happiness. He's doing what he feels he needs to do to find this for himself.

[GG3]

You can't fix others, although you can certainly waste a lot of frustrated years trying if you want as those women who take on "projects" and try to change the men they date do. He's not interested in making the fundamental changes that you feel he needs to make. You alone are interested in him doing this inner work. He continues to cycle through girlfriends, and much as you did, a new woman will buy into his promises and start trying to build something special with him.

 

Bottom line: he's out actively looking for his next short-term pseudo-relationship. You, on the other hand, are sitting at home fixated on what could have been but for his dysfunction. He's moving forward. You're the one who is stuck and stagnating.

 

He can't give you what you're looking for in a relationship. You're in a new city. New job. It's a new beginning and a chance to find someone who is emotionally healthy enough to build and sustain a lasting relationship.

 

Please focus on finding your happiness. He's doing what he feels he needs to do to find this for himself.

 

I don't entirely agree on that. That is harsh. I moved forward with accepting a new job in a new place...moving forward. He is the one who continues to contact me and give mixed messages. I am the one who was "committed" to making a decision and moving on with my life.

 

People like these need to make commitments and decisions to move in one direction or another and not jerk people like me around. He's not doing what "he needs to do..." He doesn't seem to even know what he wants. But thanks...

[Mcnulty]

We didn't get engaged as soon as my parents!! WTF!!

 

This isn't ROCD or OCD, ye know, I feel that there's a label/name for everything in life and sometimes it aint that complex!!!

 

He's a narcissist..if you move on, go NC,(which you should do,surely) he'll chase you. He likes the chae,hence dating websites and numerous short term rel.

 

Doesn't sound like a nice or decent person, so why be hung up on him?

 

Move on with your life, end of.

[GG3]

So I wrote this guy heartfelt letter. I decided that I was going to make a a** out of myself and not care because at least I could move on knowing that I said what I thought of the situation and told him how I felt about everything that happened and this would give me closure. I sent him some links to information about OCD and ROCD (he has OCD issues as well) and told him that I felt that he did have feelings for me and over-analyzed and freaked out. I told him that I still cared for him and that if he ever decided that maybe I'm right and wanted to discuss that, that he could get a hold of me from his office phone or something. I said that I needed to move on and that hearing from him sometimes was hard for me because I still have feelings for him and that I can't be friends. I told him that for me, I was blocking his emails and phone number and that I hoped he has some wonderful holidays.

 

For some reason the blocker didn't work on the email account I sent the letter from. He must have been on the "safe" list or something. He wrote back the next morning that he understood and struggled with our breakup and he wasn't going to write much as he is probably blocked. But what was weird is that he signed the letter "Love, " and then his name. I took as just a nice way of signing the letter, but men generally try to avoid using that word and this is someone who hasn't been able to say that to anyone in 15 years supposedly. Isn't that weird?

 

I didn't write the email back, so he doesn't know that I read that. Then a day later he sends a request to play an online computer game. I saw the request, played a move and asked what he wanted. He didn't respond so I wrote that "You need to move on and leave me alone." He wrote, "The game asked me to welcome you back, so I did." The thing is, I uninstalled that app from my phone and I haven't played the game in 5 months, so it couldn't have been asking people to welcome me back. Then I resigned the game.

 

I have never understood people like this. What is this guy's deal?